When Dudley met Harry

Previously in When Dudley Met Harry:

"Oh my God," he uttered softly, taking in Harry's ruffled appearance and starved body. It was Mr. Weasley.

Chapter 2: Ministry Mayhem

"Mr. Weasley?" Harry exclaimed, sitting up, "What are you doing here?" He gave a sigh of relief. "I thought you were the Ministry official sent to expel me."

Mr. Weasley pulled his feet from the soup cans with a small slurp, and sat down on Harry's bed gravely. "I am the Ministry official sent to expel you, Harry."

Harry's face grew pale. "But wha... you don't work with... what does Muggle Artifacts have to do with... with expulsions?!" Harry stuttered nervously.

"Nothing at all," Mr. Weasley said haltingly, his ears glowing red, "I slipped a potion in Smathers' tea, to tell you the truth, and when he sprouted cucumbers from his ears I volunteered to take his place. But that's besides the point," he continued more quickly, "Why the hell did you do magic, Harry? You know you're no longer in Fudge's good graces! He was just looking for a way to get you discredited!"

"But I didn't do any magic! That was Dudley!" Harry protested. Mr. Weasley sighed, heavily irritated.

"Harry, I'm not daft. I can't believe you thought I would fall for that! Your cousin is a Muggle! And he's really fat, too!!"

"I know he is, but I'm telling you, I saw it with my own eyes! You can ask him! And he's slimmed down a tad."

Mr. Weasley stood up sharply. "Harry, you're not making this easy for me. I thought Fudge was full of crock, but I'm beginning to see where he got his opinions from. Muggles doing magic?! Dudley becoming slim?! Honestly! Next you're going to tell me Snape uses shampoo! I was sent here by Dumbledore to figure out some way of keeping you from being expelled, but now I'm pretty sure you deserve it. So, Merlin help me, I don't care what Dumbledore says. You are giving me your wand now and---"

Mr. Weasley's ranting was interrupted by a sharp clang and a yelled, "Hold on a sec!" as the muddy metal ladder was once again slammed into the window frame. After a few minutes of laboured grunting, Dudley threw his Smeltings stick into Harry's hands then forced his bulk through the window, and stood up, panting heavily.

"Oh, you're right. He has slimmed down a bit. Good job, Dudley," Mr. Weasley said, somewhat impressed.

"Thanks," wheezed Dudley, trying to look cool but not quite pulling it off as he was still attempting to catch his breath. "Now, Mr. Weasle,"

"Weasley," whispered Harry anxiously.

"Er, sorry, Weasley. Anyway, don't expel Harry. It wasn't him. I did the magic. I've done it before. Dunno why you guys didn't catch it till now."

Poor Mr. Weasley looked extremely confused. "Dudley, son, I don't know how to put this, but you're a Muggle. You can't possibly do magic."

"Then I'll prove it to you!" Dudley jumped up eagerly, clutching his Smeltings stick. "I'm gonna unlock Harry's door." With a fierce look of concentration writ across his face, Dudley raised his stick impressively and shouted, "Oklahoma!" The door didn't budge.

"I think I've seen enough," Mr. Weasley growled, once again exasperated.

"You stupid prat it's Alohamora, not Oklahoma!" Harry yelled fervently.

"Oh, yeah. I never was very bright... What was it again? Alomahora?" Dudley asked, waving his stick about carelessly. Suddenly, Mr. Weasley's hair burst on fire. Or at least, that's what Harry thought initially. After a short while it became apparent that his hair was quickly thickening and lengthening, filling in his bald spot completely. Mr. Weasley, noticing a difference, strode quickly to the cracked mirror hanging on the wall. He gaped at his reflection, then turned and charged at Dudley with a terrible yell and engulfed him in a big hug.

"You did it, you did it, you did it!" Mr. Weasley yelled, tears of happiness leaking from his eyes. "I've been trying to fill in that bald spot for years! Muggles really are wonderful people," he sniffed.

"Oh, Harry, I'm really sorry for not believing you. It's Fred and George's fault for making me suspicious of everything; blame it on them."

"That's alright, Mr. Weasley. At least, as long as you don't expel me."

"No, I don't think I will. I have to go back to the Ministry and sort everthing out. It was nice talking to you both."

With that he Disapparated, leaving Harry and Dudley alone in the smallest bedroom.

"Dudley," Harry began awkwardly, "I want to thank you for fessing up."

"It was nothing," said Dudley, with his nose in the air. He quickly dissembled, and whispered, "Besides, I thought that if I told Mr. Weasle about me being magic, I might be able to go to Hogpimples with you.

"Silly name for a school," he muttered absently.

~*~

Several days later, when Harry was showing Dudley Quidditch Through the Ages, he recieved a smack in the head by Pigwidgeon, accompanied by a letter from Ron. He scanned quickly through the messy writing while Dudley pretended Pig was a Snitch and tried to catch him over and over again.

"Hah!" exclaimed Harry, "Nobody believes you thickened Mr. Weasley's hair. They think he did it to himself, but is too ashamed to admit it."

Dudley grinned evilly, "So how long do we toy with this?"

"You are most definitely a Slytherin, Dudley. How could you play with Mr. Weasley like this when he helped both of us out?" Harry exclaimed, outraged. After scanning through the letter again, he looked up thoughtfully. "How about two weeks," he said, an evil glint coloring his eyes.

"Sounds good. Let's write the response."

Half an hour later, finally satisfied with their wording (and Dudley satisfied that he would make a terrible Seeker), they sent the letter off with Pig, snickering evilly.

Dear Ron,

I don't know what you're talking about. Mr. Weasley's bald spot is gone? Well, he must have done it himself. Dudley's a Muggle! Your family is terrible at lying, by the way.

Hope all is well,

Harry

You know, Harry thought to himself later that night while settling under the covers of his bed, I could really get used to having Dudley as a friend. He really isn't all that bad when he's not trying to turn me into a human punching-bag...