101 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse, or Generally Scare LV

Chapter 3

Sitting in a dark corner mumbling to himself was Lord Voldemort. He was rocking back and forth trying to get the words out of his head. "All things are bright and beautiful..." A shudder passed through him. At the same time his stomach growled. He needed food.

Before leaving the room Voldemort looked out into the hallway and started out, but Aimee came running up to him before he made it two steps.

"Tommy-boy, you're wearing my hat! Oh I'm all in a flutter!" Aimee said excitedly.

"Well, it can get cold down here," mumbled Voldemort.

"So where are you goin'?" questioned Aimee skipping along with Voldemort.

"Just a little hungry so I thought I'd get something to eat." Voldemort was in a good mood now. He didn't know what it was but Aimee just was so optimistic. "Care to join me?"

"Oh I'd love too!" Aimee exclaimed. "Pushing-up-daisies!"

"What?"

"Oh nothing that's just a new phrase that's as smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom!" Aimee said with a fake made-for-TV smile.

Voldemort just gave her a weird look and kept on walking.

Voldemort followed Aimee and walked into the dining hall. As Voldie entered Aimee showered him with confetti and rice.

Voldemort shook the confetti out of his eyes and asked, "And exactly WHAT was that for?"

"As you've said before, you are an evil, dark lord. You require a grand entrance," Aimee said in a tone of voice suggesting everybody knew this.

Once Voldiers got all of the rice off him he looked around the dining hall. His eyes widened and he backed away.

The dining hall was decorated with care-bears. Each wall was devoted to a different color of the care-bears.

Voldemort was hyperventilating now. All the sissy-ness was disgusting. He wanted to run, to hide. But Jade grabbed his arm and led him to a big, fluffy poof.

"Well, are you surprised?" asked Jade. "We're throwing you this party for your 70^th birthday!"

Voldemort gave a cross between a yell and a choke. Jade took this for a "Yeah, it's great! Thanks girls!"

"Bob was sorry that she couldn't come. She had 'business' to attend to. But she sends her regards," Erin said.

Regards? Yeah right! Bob was just like Erin.

"Hey everybody! Let's play Twister!" suggested Aimee pulling out the game and winking.

"All right that's it! I am not putting up with this shit anymore!" screamed Voldemort freaking out.

"Well if you don't want to play twister will you polka with me?" asked Aimee.

"My god Aimee! What is with you and the stupid polka?" asked Erin exasperated.

"GIRLS! All right, meeting now, my office," screamed Voldemort pointing to the door.

When they arrived at Voldemort's office Aimee and Jade sat down while Erin sat behind Voldie's desk and put her feet up.

"Oh come on Voldiers, lighten up! I've meet plenty of people more evil than you," said Erin nonchalantly.

Voldemort glared at her and forced Erin to get out of his chair.

"I don't see why you're yelling at us," said Jade. "You should be berating Snape for being a spy."

"Jade, learn when to shut up!" said Aimee through clenched teeth.

"Who is Snape spying for?" yelled Voldemort!

"Just Dumbledore," said Erin.

"Just Dumbledore!" exclaimed Voldemort standing up. "I hate that man!"

"Oh I don't see how you could be so afraid of dear old Dumbles," said Aimee waving a hand.

"Yeah! Maybe it's the fact that you've been in this business too long. Are you sure the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting old?" asked Jade with concern.

"All right! Forget it! I need some whiskey," said Voldemort obviously having a very hard day.

"Fine, but remember you're not even really alive," said Erin as the girls left the room.

"Well that went over well. Maybe I should plan to get rid of those three," Voldemort mumbled to himself, "but I have already ruled that one out for obvious reasons!"

As Voldemort walked out of his office he quickly ran to his room so that Erin, Aimee, and Jade would not see him, or talk to him for that matter. When he got to his bedroom door he noticed a note.

Voldemort,

We, as in Erin, Jade, and me, know this really great therapist in London, She is an excellent one. For the record for she has treated all of us. We advise you go to get rid of your damn mood swings. Now I don't know why you are getting them because only girls have mood swings as bad as you do. YOU NEED TO GO.

Later

The chicks

Damn those girls! Sending me to a shrink, how dare they? I think I need a drink.

Voldemort strutted into his room and headed for the mini bar. He noticed a wandering jew sitting on top of his refrigerator. Crap. Barbara Malfoy had sent that to him for Easter. It was now brown and dried up, little hope for survival.

"Barbara is coming tomorrow. I better get rid of this before she finds out," Voldemort thought as he grabbed the plant and headed for the backyard.

When Voldemort got outsides he went for his favorite burial place. He found Erin Malfoy filling in a small hole.

"What are you doing," Voldemort asked with suspicion.

"What are you doing," asked Erin eyeing him up.

Suddenly Voldemort saw a small polished piece of wood sticking up from the ground. "What's that?"

"Ahh... a shiny piece of wood," said Erin hopelessly.

"It is not! That's my wand. It's snapped in half! YOU!"

"I did not! Uncle Lucius did it! I swear it was all him!" pleaded Erin.

While Voldemort was advancing on Erin, Rita Skeeter walked into the clearing.

"Well what do we have here," Rita said in her sick tone, "has a little school girl upset the dark lord?"

"I am not upset!" said Voldemort just as Erin said, "I am not a little school girl!"

"Now really, come on. Tell me, how do you feel now that the ministry knows about you? Do you still want to kill the famous Potter?" pestered Rita.

"I do not want to talk to you! How did you find me here?" asked Voldemort breathing heavily.

"Well the youngest Malfoy girl of course. Now I suggest that you give me some answers. I didn't go to the ministry because I wanted an interview not to be yelled at!" said Rita shrilly.

"That's it! Avada Kedavra!" yelled Voldemort pointing his wand at Rita.

Erin looked at him and said, "Finally we don't have to put up with that cow! Come on it's time for the party."

"What party?" asked Voldemort as they walked back to the manor.

"There's a Tupperware party tonight, and you must come!" said Erin.

"NO! You can't make me. I'm sick and tired of sitting through you and your sister's damned parties. Only this morning you tried to make me go to a 'Care Bears' party," Voldemort said as he looked at Erin in a very crossed expression.

"Oh really. Do you honestly think that it is impossible for us to not make you go? Don't you remember last time? You know when we took something that you loved dearly."

She had Voldemort now. Damnit he thought to himself.

"You know your teddy bear!" This was not Erin Malfoy speaking. No this came from another Malfoy.

"Barbara how are you doing!" Voldemort said as he turned around.

"How many times have I told you to call me Bob?"

Bob, aka Barbara Malfoy born to the first born child. Thus she was the oldest of all the cousins. She was the most advance at everything in school. EVERYTHING. (A/N Only because she's had more experience. *sticks tongue out at bmalfoy*) Yes she was better than Erin, Aimee, and Jade all put all together, but she didn't like to brag.

"Bob!" exclaimed Erin running over to Barbara. Instead of hugging her she smacked her upside the head. "You sold me out! You and Aimee! You've been holding out on me and Jade! You keep the drugs for yourself!"

"Girls! Leave the family dispute for later! Now Bob where's your grandfather? I understand that he was the one to pick you up. I have an unsettled... bet with him," said Voldemort trailing off at the end.

"What about which one can find Harry Potter first?" asked Jade emerging from the trees.

"You know," said Aimee as she followed Jade, "You really shouldn't kill Harry Potter. He could be your son."

"No way on Salazar Slytherin's earth would Harry Potter be my son," yelled Voldemort.

"Hey whatever man, but he looks exactly like you used to look. Wait! Maybe he's your grandson!" said Bob as her eyes widened.

"It's wrong to hurt family. Why don't you hurt our family? You can have Draco," said Erin.

"Erin!"

"What? He'd be going to a good cause," said Erin shrugging.

"You know what girls? Tonight after supper you four are going to help me plan my next great adventure!" shouted Voldemort punching his hand in the air.

The girls looked at him with raised eyebrows and went to make fun of Draco before supper.

At dinnertime Voldemort found himself eating with every Malfoy. The old Robert Malfoy and his wife Gloria. Their three children, Lucius, Glenn and George. The wives were all around the table with their husbands looking as beautiful as they were trained to be. At the end of the table were the 'little Malfoys'. Though the youngest at the table, there was no doubt among them that they could take down their parents.

At the moment Bob and Erin were flicking peas at Draco's head. Aimee and Jade were pretending that their potatoes were drums. Bob bent down and blew some bubbles in her chocolate milk, which she insisted on having, saying that "It needs more flavor!"

"You complete morons!" yelled Robert Malfoy at his grandchildren. "You are all embarrassments to the Malfoy name! Draco is the only civilized one I'd call my own! This evening I want all of you to report to the dungeons for some 'damage control'."

Their grandfather's yelling didn't faze the girls at all.

"Okay, grandfather," said Erin.

"Of course," said Aimee.

The girls bent over their plates and continued eating while smiling at each other.

After the greatest grandchildren of all time were done eating and washed up they strutted down to the dungeons.

Jade entered the room first to find Voldemort and Robert smiling to each in a sick, twisted way.

"Tonight you four will learn how to behave properly," said Robert. "My great friend and old schoolmate has agreed to help me on this 'special' task."

"What? I thought we we're going to help Voldiers plan to take over the world?" asked a confused Bob.

Voldemort gave Bob a look to shut up.

Jade started to sing under her breath, "Oh he's evil and mean and a really good friend of my grandpa's. He's the meanest of the bunch! He torture and kill you all for good fun. He's Voldy, Voldy, Mr. Voldemort! He's evil and mean..."

"Jade!" shouted Voldemort. "You'll be first!" Voldemort whipped out his wand and said, "Crucio!"

Jade fell to the floor and Voldemort smiled. "You see, that is what you get when you defy me."

Suddenly Robert saw Jade's face and said, "STOP!"

Voldemort lifted the curse to see Jade rolling around on the floor laughing.

"You moron! Grandfather, you taught me to resist that curse when I was eleven! I can't believe you let him do that! You know that I can turn the pain into laughter!" said Jade gasping.

"Why you little..." said Voldemort raising his arm to slap Jade.

"Now, now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?" asked Aimee crossing her arms wagging her finger at him.

"Bob, what are you singing?" yelled Voldemort as Robert slid out of the room, leaving Voldiers to deal with the kids.

"Oh California dreamin," murmured Bob under her breath.

"Bob what are you singing?" asked Voldemort again.

"California dreamin!" sang Bob really loudly.

"Okay, now stop it!" yelled Voldemort at Bob.

"What? You want me to sing louder? Okay!" said Bob real slowly, singing louder.

"NO! Stop singing!" bellowed Voldemort advancing on Bob.

"CALIFORNIA DREAMIN!!!" shouted Bob before Erin stupefied her.

"Well, I think I'm off to bed," announced Erin leaving the dungeon nonchalantly.

"Right behind you!" yelled Aimee, scurrying after her.

"Hey, Voldy-poo!" said Jade pulling something from behind her back. "Look what I did today!"

Jade pulled out one of the Death Eaters mask that was now bright orange with blue glitter. "Do you like them?"

Voldemort just gave Jade a look that said, 'Do-you-think-I-like-it?-cuz-I-don't!'

Jade noticed Voldemort's blood pressure go up and his temple throb and quickly ran out of the room.

When Voldemort got to his room he pulled out a glass of vodka and got into bed. Suddenly Erin Apparated next to his bed in a rocking chair wearing granny glasses.

"Are you ready for your bedtime story?" she asked.

Voldemort looked bewildered.

"Good. Now 'There once was a mother goose..." said Erin starting to read The Ugly Duckling.

And with that Voldemort fell asleep.

The End... for now. (like a few weeks)