101 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse, or Generally Scare LV

Chapter Two

It was about four o'clock in the morning. After a stressful day Lord Voldemort was resting peacefully. Once Aimee had finally stopped Apparating and Disapparating in and out of his room, but good things never last.

Somebody was shaking Voldemort's shoulder trying to wake him up. Voldemort just sent a curse over his shoulder, shattering a vase.

"Come on, wake up!" someone yelled.

Voldemort rolled over and came face to face with Jade Malfoy.

"What in the world is so damn important?! I'm trying to sleep!" Voldemort asked angrily.

"The girls and I were wondering if you want to play poker," Jade said cheerfully as Voldemort sat up.

"What? Poker? At this hour?" asked Voldemort shaking his head.

"Well, yeah. Come on it'll be fun," said Jade enthusiastically.

Voldemort groaned and gave in. "Fine, I'm coming," he said putting on a robe.

Voldemort and Jade walked down the corridor until they came to a dimly lit room that smelled of rum.

"Tommy-boy! You made it!" exclaimed Aimee the moment Voldemort entered the room.

"Come, sit, we're playing five card stud," said Erin as she deled the cards.

They all played several rounds. After a while Voldemort suggested they pack it up and finish.

"All right but just one more game," said Erin.

Voldemort deled the cards and looked at his own hand. He had a four, a ten, a nine, a five and an ace. Voldemort was disgusted and it showed.

Erin said, "You know Voldiers, you have absolutely no poker-face. How do you expect to rule supreme without one? I mean you have to be able to control your emotions."

"Well I'm so sorry, but this hand is pitiful. I'm going back to bed," Voldemort said standing up.

"Not without paying us our money," said Jade gesturing for him to pay up.

Voldemort grumbled and threw some money on the table and left. As he walked he could hear someone following him. He looked back at an awe-stricken Aimee Malfoy.

"Can I help you?" asked Voldemort.

"You're so amazing," said Aimee with wide eyes.

Voldemort looked shocked and quickened his pace to get back to his room. As he entered Aimee followed him. When he got into bed he asked, "Are you going to leave?"

"Can I stay here?" Aimee asked.

"NO! Get Out! Now," yelled Voldemort!

As Aimee skipped out of the room humming Voldemort wondered why in the world Aimee was so in awe of him. She was probably smoking something.

Finally after sleeping a few more hours, Voldemort heard a loud BANG! The room shook and he jumped out of bed.

"Somebody" had let off a party-popper right in front of his face.

Voldiers came face to face with Aimee Malfoy.

"What in Merlin's name was that for?" questioned Voldemort.

Aimee said, "I just got an urge. Wasn't it a surprise?"

"I hate surprises," said Voldemort with tight lips.

"Oh come on now you have to like them, girls love giving surprises. With an attitude like that, did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?" said Aimee very valley girly.

Voldemort just growled and sent Aimee away.

A few more hours later it was breakfast. Voldemort was almost scared to go to breakfast. Who knows what those girls would throw at him next?

And of course it wasn't pretty.

When Voldemort cautiously walked in he found Erin with finger puppets. Oh dear god, what the HELL is she doing?

As Voldemort drear near he saw Erin reenacting his battle with Harry Potter in the graveyard using squeaky voices.

"What are you doing?" shouted Voldemort, seizing the finger puppets and throwing them into the fire.

"Hey, she was just getting to the good part," whined Jade.

"Yeah, you should have seen the fight over the sorcerer's stone though. It was hilarious," added Aimee.

"You shouldn't be so angry really," said Jade. "You are just a character. One that will never triumph and all, but you didn't hear it from me." Jade gestured to him to keep it quiet.

Voldemort just looked confused when Mr. Nott walked in.

He bowed low and said, "My lord, we are all ready for you."

"What? Oh shit! Alright move along I'll be right there," said Voldemort waving his hand for him to leave.

"Is there a secret meeting that we didn't get invited to," questioned Jade?

"This meeting is for higher ranking Death Eater," Voldemort said with a smirk.

"We're high ranking Death Eaters," said Erin, offended.

"Yeah! Come on we're going too!" said Aimee leading them all out and to the meeting. "Now, I know your important you deserve a grand entrance."

"Aimee, I do not need a grand entrance," Voldemort said with a sigh.

"Oh, but you do!" insisted Aimee.

So the girls walked in and Aimee said, "Announcing, the dark, and evil," She faked a drum roll. "Lord Voldemort!"

Erin and Jade threw the doors open while Aimee faked a trumpet sound.

Voldemort strutted into the room looking all important.

Voldemort started to speak, "My very, loyal Death Eaters, I was kindly reminded today that I have yet to overcome Harry Potter. Even though we have to break the others out of Azkaban which we will do later this week, I'm thinking Saturday would be appropriate. We need to overcome Harry Potter."

Erin interrupted and said, "Oh I just remembered, I have those summaries of yours. You know the ones with your plans for war and revenge." Erin handed the papers to Voldemort. "First, you have a great amount of spelling errors. Second, all these plans seem to contain Harry Potter. Maybe, and remember this is a suggestion, maybe you should lay off Potter."

"Oh Erin, he couldn't do that, his whole part in the story is to try to kill Harry. We can't have him suddenly going after somebody else." said Jade calming.

"It was just a suggestion Jade. I think that he should try to think happy thoughts," Aimee stated.

"Alright, everybody SHUT UP! I am an evil dark lord. I had a horrible life. You would cringe to hear what has caused me to be me," shouted Voldemort with wide eyes looking at everybody.

"You're breakin' my little heart here, o dark one," Erin exclaimed!

"If you ask me, Voldemort looked better under the turban. At least then we didn't have to listen to his garbage," Aimee muttered.

"But he was with Quirrel. I mean who would want to share a body with that queer," said Jade shifting her feet.

"Can we get back on subject, girls? Now!" Voldemort was looking murderous.

"Whatever you say, Voldie-poo," cooed Erin.

"Voldiers, I really think a yoga class would help you overcome Harry. You could bend in different ways to avoid curses and you could strangle him with your legs if you wish," Erin said.

Aimee piped up and said, "It could also help cure you of your wicked ways."

"Sorry to disappoint you girls, but I can't bend that way," Voldemort said sarcastically.

Voldemort started humming, Mr. Tambourine Man. All the Death Eaters looked on in shock. Voldiers stopped humming looked around and said, "Curse you Jade, you got that bloody song stuck in my head!"

"Not my problem," Jade said with a grin.

Voldemort turned serious again and started pacing. "We need a really good plan. Something they wouldn't expect."

Voldemort looked up to the sky and noticed a light bulb floating above him. "What in Slytherin's world is that?" he yelled.

"I thought I was helping!" Aimee said looking offended.

"You know Voldie-poo you really must stop repressing your angry. It's bad for you heart," Erin said in a motherly tone.

"If it helps, I'll buy you a stress ball, one in the shape of Potter's head," Aimee said with concern.

After a few more minutes with no fatacular result, Voldemort dismissed the Death Eaters.

Voldemort went back to his room and sat by the fire.

Suddenly unwanted guests popped into the room. It was Aimee and Erin.

Erin summoned a chair and sat down next to Voldemort. "You know, I'm sorry that I give you shit. I really am it's just that-"

"Mosquito," Aimee said whacking Voldemort's arm, cutting off Erin.

Erin cleared her throat and continued. "Anyway, it's just that you're so uptight. You need to have a laugh every once in-"

"Mosquito," Aimee said whacking Voldemort's head.

"Aimee! Do you mind? As I was saying! You need to laugh," finished Erin as she walked out the door.

"Yeah, and man, you need to moisturize," Aimee added, circling her face. "Mosquito!" Aimee shouted, pointing to Voldemort's knee. "Don't worry, I'll get it!" Aimee summoned a baseball bat and took a swing.

As Voldemort screamed in pain, Aimee scurried out.

That night, Voldemort couldn't sleep. It seemed now that all he thought about was Harry Potter. He decided to go to the kitchen for a snack.

When he arrived he found Jade Malfoy at the fire, roasting something.

Voldemort sniffed the air and said, "That smells good."

"Thanks, want some?" Jade offered, handing him a plate.

Voldemort nodded and took it. "Mmmm what is this?"

"Nagini," Jade stated as Voldemort spit the food out.

"What?! That was my pet snake! How dare you!" shouted Voldemort advancing on Jade.

Jade smiled and said, "I don't dare," and she Apparated away.

The next morning while Voldemort was eating his breakfast, Jade walked into the room.

Voldemort groaned and prepared himself.

"Hey there, Tommy-boy! Listen, I'm sorry I ate your snake, and that you can't beat Harry Potter, and that I'm a pain in your ass," Jade said as she walked towards Voldemort. "I was thinking that maybe we should spend some time together."

Voldemort looks shocked. "Umm."

"Hey, come on! Here I'll teach you a great trick that all evil people should know," Jade said getting excited. "First you steeple your fingers while leaning back in your chair, putting your feet up or crossing them." Voldemort steepled his fingers, leaned back and crossed his legs. "Then you say in a very evil tone, Eeeeeeeexcellent." Voldemort did as Jade told him.

"Great! See now you can be all impressive to the other dark lords," Jade said with a smile.

A loud thump at the door drew Voldemort's attention. It was Erin Malfoy holding a large board trying to get in the door.

After dragging the board across the room Erin said, "Hello, everybody! Wait till you see what interesting topic I have for this week!"

Everybody grimaced. They knew how long and boring Erin's lectures could be.

"Today I'll be talking about Voldemort's life story and the life of Anakin Skywalker of Star Wars," Erin said with a big smile.

As Erin talked, Voldemort's eyes got wider and wider as he got confused. After two and a half hours, Erin was done. "And next week is Harry Potter's life and Luke Skywalker's life!"

Erin had a big smile on her face as the Death Eaters entered the room and formed a circle around the table.

"I hope you don't mind, but I organized this little get-together," said Aimee with a grin.

Voldemort looked confused and said, "Why?"

"I don't think you want to know," Erin said as Aimee secretly imperius-ed the Death Eaters into singing "All Things Bright and Beautiful".

The Death Eaters sang a rousing chorus as Voldemort screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"