101 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse, or Generally Scare LV

Chapter Four

Voldemort was quite intent being in bed. He had fallen asleep rather peacefully. His bed was warm and it was a new day for plotting to kill Harry Potter. Voldemort's haven came to an abrupt end. Someone threw open his curtains, allowing blinding sunlight into the room.

"Morning! Come on now, out of bed!"

Voldemort rolled over to come face to face with Aimee Malfoy.

"Get out of bed! Today starts Little League, and you're the shortstop," said Aimee dragging Voldemort out of bed.

That got Voldemort out of bed.

"What do you mean Little League?" he asked narrowing his eyes.

"I signed you up. Now come on and get dressed. You'll get your uniform when we get there," Aimee said walking towards the door.

"Aimee, I appreciate the thought, but I have plans," said Voldemort as he got dressed.

"Riddle me this! What would those lovely plans be?" asked Aimee smiling at the Riddle part.

Voldiers growled and said in a menacing voice, "Killing Potter."

"Oh I can't see how you could possibly harm a single hair on that sweet, innocent, cute little boy!" said Aimee leaving.

"Wait! Baby, do you like my sweater?" said Voldemort in a sing-song voice.

Aimee gasped, "Oh my god! You listened to the song! Isn't it great? You know I-"

But Aimee was cut off as Voldemort smiled and slammed the door in Aimee's face.

"This day shouldn't be that bad," Voldemort thought as he walked to breakfast. Then he remembered that all the Malfoy's were here. That was not good. Gloria, Robert's wife, was insane. She was a Seer. So of course she was always telling him what to do. Erin was just like her grandmother.

"Hey, Voldiers! Don't leave the manor today," said Erin.

"Well talk of the devil, there she was. Well what does she have in store for me now," Voldemort thought as he put on a fake smile.

"Why? Did your grandmother predict that Dumbledore was out there?" Voldemort asked.

"Huh? Ok. One thing, why are you afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of beehive and can't fight babies? Two, no. Grandmother hasn't predicted anything today. It's just that there are a ton of Asian beetles outside. We all know how awful those things are," said Erin grimacing.

Voldemort was taken aback. "Well then one, I am not afraid of Dumbledore. He is an idiot. Two, why not? Your grandmother helps me plan my schemes."

"Well forget it. There's no hope of that today," said Erin waving a hand.

Voldemort threw up his hands of frustration, "Well, you're wrong. Never underestimate my Seer. I'm tellin' you your wrong!"

"Whatever, Voldiers. Remember she's also my grandmother. Plus I have the gift of sight too," remarked Erin.

"Okay, okay. Let's just go to breakfast," said Voldemort walking towards the dining hall.

"Okay!" squealed Jade Malfoy as she ran up behind Voldemort and hugged him tight.

"What the hell? Jade get the hell off me!" yelled Voldemort swatting Jade away.

Jade looked insulted. "Fine, but you should get used to hugging. Wormtail has a crush on you," with that Jade ran off to breakfast.

"She's right you know, he does. I saw him eyeing you up at the last meeting," said Erin punching Voldemort on the arm.

"Oh gods, save me!" said Voldemort as he and Erin entered the dining hall.

Voldemort went to take his usual spot at the head of the table to find his chair covered with an assortment of rotting things.

"May I inquire what this is?" said Voldemort lifting up an old banana peel.

Bob took a sip of her chocolate milk and replied, "It's aromatherapy of course."

"You call this aromatherapy?" said Voldemort, getting angry.

"Now, now Voldiers. Don't be getting angry now. We all know how bad that is for your blood pressure. Besides you really shouldn't be using the 'unforgivables'. Think of how bad it makes you feel. Sure at first it's a thrill but after a while the guilt gets to you. Remember using 'crucio' last night on Jade? There are ways to repel the 'unforgiveables' anyway. So what's the point? Next, there's the degree of difficulty of casting those spells. It can take a lot out of you. Lastly, they are sooooo unoriginal. Everybody uses them. You have got to find some new spells," lectured Erin.

"Thanks for another lecture, Professor Erin. But I don't need a fifteen year old telling me what to do," hissed Voldemort.

"No, indeed he doesn't need that. He has me for that."

"Good morning Robert. So how's the plan coming?" questioned Voldemort.

"Are you two still on about Potter? You have got to give that up," said Bob.

"No. This is a different plan. For the good of wizards everywhere. It's so simple it's brilliant. It will help men understand the complex infrastructure that is the female mind," said Robert with a smirk.

The girls looked flabbergasted.

"If you're wondering where we got the idea, it's from a song that Aimee made us listen to. By that Reklinet J or something," said Voldemort thinking.

"It's Relient K. May we ask why you can't understand women on your own. You men too slow," taunted Aimee.

Robert looked insulted. "It's a brilliant idea, that's all."

"Whatever," said Jade throwing a biscuit at Voldemort.

"That's what you want us to think," said Erin joining in on the throwing of biscuits.

"You want to mess with us? Bring it!" said Voldemort summoning a biscuit and enlarging it to the size of a dog. With the help of his friend, Voldemort threw the giant biscuit at the girls and it knocked them all down.

"Well see you girls at the meeting this afternoon," said Robert leaving the hall victorious with Voldemort in his wake.

Now that Voldemort had his old school friend back with him, things were about to get crazy.

First, Voldemort insisted on having a Death Eaters meeting in the middle of the day. Second, everybody had to do the chicken dance to get into the meeting. Third, there would be an open bar.

After doing the chicken dance our favorite Death Eaters went straight to the open bar and had tequila shots.

After finishing hers first, Bob said, "I hope Voldiers gives up the whole world domination plan. I mean, come on, it's kindda girly."

"Oh totally!" said Erin as the meeting came to order.

"Hello my loyal friends!" said Voldemort waving a beer around.

"I hope you all brought your evil masterminds with you. For today we come up with the plan for world domination!" Robert added.

"Well I guess not," remarked Jade, replying to Bob's early statement.

"You know Voldiers? You really gotta give it up. Everybody knows that Argus Filch will rule the world someday," said Aimee.

"That squib?" said Voldemort unbelieving. "I am the mastermind here. I will find a way to rule! Savvy?"

"Hey! That is my line!" said Captain Jack Sparrow appearing from the Caribbean.

"Yeah, forget it. Go back to the pearl, Sparrow,"said Rob.

With that Jack Sparrow did leave, even though nobody knows how he got there in the first place.

"You know, I was just thinking, do you think that Voldemort commands respect as much as Dumbledore or Potter does?" asked Bob innocently.

"Why of course it does!" exclaimed Draco. "Lord Voldemort is the most feared wizard!"

"Okay, okay! I don't know why I said that. I think the open bar was a bad idea," said Bob.

Voldemort swayed up on the stage. "Bob, I believe for once you are right," he said as he passed out.

When Voldemort awoke he found Rob and his granddaughters hovering above him.

"Am I dead?" he asked.

"No"

"Is Potter?"

"Is Potter?" said Aimee in a sing-song voice.

"No, sorry, Tom," said Rob pulling Voldemort to his feet.

"Well what are we waiting for?" asked Voldemort heading for the door.

"Well what are we waiting for?" said Erin moving her arms widely about.

"You girls are unbelievable. Can't you give it a break?" asked Rob following Tom to his office.

Tom walked into his office to find a heart-shaped chair instead of his wooden one. A lip-shaped couch to replace his desk. Of course his Dark Arts books were gone. Nail polish and perfume were in their place.

"Aimee!" screamed Tom.

Aimee came rushing into his office expecting her grandfather to be dead. "What happened? What happened?"

"What did you do to my office," hissed Tom barely moving his lips.

Aimee pulled herself up with as much dignity as possible and said, "I just thought you should show off your move feminine side. Besides I've been watching and psychoanalyzing you. You're a bit of a control-freak and mildly depressed." Aimee put on a look of pity.

Tom shot daggers at Aimee. Literally.

"Ow! Ow!"

Tom was very content on hitting Aimee when Rob started laughing.

"You know Tom," said Rob in-between laughs, "she's right! You always have to be right to boost your ego! This is rich!" Having said that Rob almost fell over laughing. He had to clutch the lip-shaped couch to keep himself from falling over.

"Here Tommy-boy! I think I have a solution. I wrote this for you. It's called, "The Many Faces of Evil"," said Jade pulling out a piece of paper which she had wrote:

He was alone, by himself. He was a little lonely boy. Later he became the center of attention as a hottie. But all of that was not enough, he fastened himself a new face. He became evil and disgusted. Someone all would fear.

"Well? What do you think of it?" asked Jade smiling.

Voldemort raised his eyebrows and said, "Well, it certainly brings out my evil side."

"Well that was just lovely, Jade," said Erin in a TV mom's voice. "Now who wants ice cream cake?"

"Let's go on the half-pipe!" said Bob.

"No way man! Last time I got a bloody knee! I can barely walk," said Aimee.

"Dude! That was on Tuesday night!" said Erin.

"Oh yeah! I remember! I totally ruined my knarly ocean pacific tee," said Bob.

"Kids! The 80's are gone! You were barely alive to see it!

"And your point is?" they all asked with eyebrows raised.

"Hey, I just thought of how we can get Harry Potter here," said Jade!

"Go on!" said Rob.

Jade smiled and said, "Let's hold a Sadie Hawkins dance!"

The girls smiled as Rob and Tom looked at each other confused.

"What's a Sadie Hawkins dance?" asked Rob.

Erin looked offended. "A Sadie Hawkins dance is where the girls ask the guys to the dance."

"But don't worry Voldiers you'd never get a date. I mean, come on. Your bald!" said Jade.

"Bob! What are you doing? You sicko!" yelled Rob.

Bob turned to face them. "What? I was just looking to see if these robes made me look fat." Bob put a hand on her hip and looked at them. "Tom, can we change the Death Eater's robes? Maybe to something with less bulk that will show off my curves?"

Tom looked at Bob flabbergasted.

"Why don't we all go to dinner?" said Rob edging towards the door.

"Good idea!" said Aimee. "Voldy we never finished our crossword puzzle for today. We just must finish it."

"Oh Aimee. I don't want to work on the stupid crossword puzzle," whined Tom.

"Now, now. Don't go thinking your too evil for a simple crossword. Your just a big softie!" cooed Jade.

"Yo, Baldie, did you even think about gettin' new robes? At least you could let me where different ones....dumbass," Bob was again looking at the robes to see if they made her look fat. As she was turned towards the mirror Erin stupified her so she would get her to dinner.

"Grandfather?" said Erin respectively. "Do you think it would be possible to uncurse Bob?"

"I don't know what you mean?" said Rob looking ruffled.

"Grandfather you can't play me. I say that curse you and Tom threw at Bob when you were drunk," said Erin.

"I did no such thing!" said Tom towering over Erin.

"Don't try to be the big man around me," Erin said with her eyes narrowed at Tom.

"I'll do as I please!" yelled Tom with a glint in his eye. "I am Lord Voldemort!"

"Who loves you, Volders?" cooed Bob who now had a look of a drunk person.

"The madness has to end!" shouted Aimee grabbing her head.

"For goodness sake! I'll uncurse Bob," said a disgusted Draco who had just stopped in and Bob was now trying to braid his hair.

After shoving Bob away from himself Draco removed the curse from Bob.

"Tom Marvolo Riddle, I am going to kill you!" screamed Bob murderously.

"Why don't we wait until the end of the supper? We have a grill out planed," said Jade. "Plus, we have firecrackers that we can set off in the mud!"

After hearing this disastrous news Tom and Rob rushed to the dining hall that now had the look that they had just stepped into a forest.

"Hey, Aimee! Thanks for inviting us to the party. We got the fire under control, it almost killed this guy who just walked in," said Vince Crabbe with Greg Goyle right behind him nodding.

"What? There was a guy in here?! He just walked in?" Jade asked totally surprised.

"Oh he's still here. We were going to kill him but he's really funny," said Greg.

Erin squealed and pointed him out. "Wow, he's a looker!"

"As long as everybody is here, how bout a song?" said Jade upbeat. Jade pulled out her banjo and started playing 'Kumbayah'.

Everybody circled around Tom and started singing, "Kumbayah, my lord, Kumbayah..."

"That's it everybody! Be serious!" shouted Voldemort running out of the huddle.

"Siriusly," said Aimee slyly while she winked at him.

"No! Come on people. Work with me! Potter! How do we kill him?" asked Voldemort looking around for suggestions.

"Get that mudblood here and Harry will follow," said Draco.

Erin gasped, "Draco! I can't believe you turned! How can you be a pumpkin pie-er? I thought you believed in trees. Whatever happened to the good ship?" Erin breaks down in hysterics.

"Oh Erin get over it!" exclaimed Bob. "Everybody knows that Hermione likes Ron."

"No! I will not except it! Next time I see that whore I'm telling her to run to Ron!"

"Ok, bad idea. Girls leave the romance outside. We need something actually intelligent," said Voldemort trying to get thru to the girls.

"How about we just invite him over?" suggested Jade.

"Jade! Are you stupid! How would that even work!" screamed Voldemort with spit flying everywhere.

"What is your problem? One minute you're fine the next your screaming. Go get yourself a mood ring so we know to stay away from you and your kangaroo ears," said Aimee sassily.

"Girls, I believe it's time to take our leave. We have more important things to do than help this emotional freak destroy muggles. I believe there are some awful hillbillies that need to be disposed of," said Bob turning around and leaving.

"No! Girls! Bob, Aimee, Erin, Jade! Don't leave! We need you! I promise to get a mood ring! Just don't leave," pleaded Voldemort.

"Forget it Voldiers, you're history," said Erin.

With that the sexy, intelligent, fatacular witches left Malfoy manor to go get some pepperoni pizza.

...snakes...