Harry Potter and The Ten Sickle Hooker

"So... What parts did you all try out for?" asked Harry. It was the next day at the meeting, and all of the cast and crew had gathered in the dungeon. All the happy and excited people in the dungeon made it so much brighter and a little less scary, he thought.

Dean smiled. "Well, I had originally tried out for Stanley, the dashing chimney sweep, but I got the part of Gaston, the French lumberjack."

Ron scowled. No matter how much he denied it, he had secretly wanted to be Gaston. He was sure that he would have looked super sexy in a tight, striped shirt and a beret. Oh, and a cigarette. And a woodchopper too.

Harry nodded dumbly. He played the part of Pip Vance, the little gimp turned wealthy and strapping business owner. Aside from actually viewing Ten Sickle Hooker in the Hufflepuff common room, Harry had no idea what went into a musical. You sing here, you dance here, what else?

Hermione looked excitedly at Harry. "Well, Harry, it looks like you're the lead! And I'm the female lead! That means you and I will probably have to...Well, we'll talk about it later," she said, stealing a glance at Ron.

He looked sadly at the rest. "Well, you lot got off much better than I did... says here that I'm playing Juror number twelve... can't be too good if I don't get a name..."

Hermione sympathetically patted Ron on the back. "It's not that bad, Ron! There will be plenty of other musicals to choose from later in life!"

Ron edged away from Hermione. "You're only saying that because you got the lead, Hermione!"

Hermione looked furiously at Ron. She totally changed the subject by asking Seamus what part he had received.

"Says here, I got the role of Stumpy Rosebush, best friend of Pip Vance! Say, Harry, you and I play mates! Good thing I like you in real life, eh?"

Harry nodded. Seamus winked. Not again, Harry thought jokingly.

Malfoy hobbled over, looking taller than usual. He then removed some very spiky and glittery red shoes, and handed them to Hermione. "It is with extreme and excruciating pain, that I give these to you for the role of Esmerelda, Hermione. And I do mean pain; I wore these for every matinee and feature for sixteen running weeks in a row without breaking a bone, but let me tell you. They are absolute hell on the Achilles, you know?"

Malfoy then sneezed, and it full on gave Seamus a shower. "Oh, Sorry, O'Flannery. Didn't mean to give you this month's shower early."

Seamus made a gesture, and said, "That's Finnigan, Malfoy. And why are you being so rude to me? You must like me for something because you put me in your musical." Seamus got a fiery glint in his eye.

Malfoy smirked, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder. "Just because you were cast doesn't mean I like you. Your audition was flawless, Finnigan. And just because I'm the producer doesn't mean I make all the decisions. I believe Severus made some of the decisions..."

Ron all of a sudden turned bright red. "It was him, wasn't it. He was the one who made me Juror twelve..."

Malfoy laughed a sparkling girlish laugh and placed his other hand on Ron's shoulder. "Sadly enough, Ronnie, yes. I wanted to cast you as Stumpy. I thought you would have been marvelous singing the song, 'Shipumpkin,' but alas... Sevvie is part of this too..."

Malfoy cast a longing glance at Snape, who was being bombarded by questions from a group of fifth year girls who wanted a second chance to audition for Esmerelda. Malfoy laughed and started to turn away.

"Well, this has been a crazy afternoon, I must say," said Harry, looking over at Ron. "Hey, mate, are you gonna stick this out?"

Ron gave the copyrighted Weasley shrug, and said, "I guess I have to now, don't I? Oh, well, it's not like I have anything better to do anyways."

And so the six of them traipsed back to the common room, leaving Snape all alone in the dungeon.

Over the next few days, the excitement all around the school began to build. All of the members of the cast, whether they were principal members or part of the chorus line, began to become hyper and restless during class. Before rehearsal even started, Seamus began acting really quite strange.

Harry walked into the dorm one day during classes, because he had forgotten a book, to find Seamus dancing around to an old muggle radio, how it was working Harry had no clue. Some old eighties song about being so excited and not being able to hide it was playing. Seamus was jumping around in a bright green leotard complete with sequined shamrocks, and singing at the top of his lungs. He had a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream in his hand, and he was wearing-

"Hermione's high heels? Seamus, how the hell did you get those? What are you wearing? What's going on? Why aren't you in class? Oh, dear, I've gone cross-eyed."

Indeed, Harry's eyes had temporarily crossed themselves.

Seamus looked like a deer in headlights. His mouth was drawn down in a look of horror, and his eyes bugged out beyond all belief. However, he quickly pulled himself back together again and sighed.

"Um, hey Harry, I was just getting in character for Stumpy. You know..."

"Not really, Seamus."

"Uh, well, I would really appreciate it if you didn't mention this to anyone else... Oh, sod it! I think I've gone batty, Harry, I mean, look at me!"

Harry did look. And he looked and he looked and he even looked some more. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So he just decided to play dumb.

"Ever since we went to that meeting, I've been feeling... well, I dunno... like a big balloon has welled up inside of me, and that balloon is full of, um, well, I don't know how to say this, but it is a balloon full of gay, or something like that. I'm not good with metaphors."

Harry, who had momentarily taken an experimental swig of the Irish Cream, spat it out on Seamus' face, who didn't seem to care, or even mind.

He had seen this before. He had felt it before! He knew right away that Seamus had developed the-

"Nympho disease? What in the bugger's a Nympho disease?"

Harry told him the story of Hermione's Insatiable Appetite for Quidditch Players, and Malfoy, also known as Malfoya the Tree. At the end of the story, Seamus looked horrified.

"When Malfoya sneezed on you, he must have transferred the nympho love to you."

"You mean, pretty soon I'm going to fall in love with Malfoy?"

Harry nodded. "It's not pretty, but it doesn't last forever."

Seamus developed a look of horror on his face as he changed into his school robes again. "But... I don't feel any attraction to Malfoy. In fact, I sorta feel an attraction to-"

At that moment, Dean and Ron burst in, laughing about something that didn't make a difference. Seamus' eyes traveled to Dean, then downcast. He smiled as if thinking about a dirty joke. Harry didn't even want to know, but was somewhat curious.

Harry and Seamus decided to talk about it later.

When they met later in the common room, Seamus told Harry that he had a very important decision to make.

"I think I'm going to drop out of the musical... or at least, take a less taxing role... I can't be around Dean if he's gonna be dressed like a French Lumberjack. That would be just too super duper orgasmic, I don't think I could handle that jelly."

Harry nodded, fully comprehending the gay lingo. "If that's what will make you happiest, Seamus, that's fine."

The next day at breakfast, Seamus and Harry went to go break the news to Malfoya. He was sitting at the Slytherin table, surrounded by Crabbe and Goyle, both looking exceptionally stupid.

"Uh, Malfoya, we have to talk to you."
Malfoy gave a look at Crabbe and Goyle, who actually got the point and moved to the other end of the breakfast table. He then turned back to them. "What can I do for you two lovely, strapping boys this fine, fine morning?"

Seamus cleared his throat, turning red.

Harry, seeing Seamus' embarrassment, began. "Well, Malfoya, I don't exactly know how or why, but I think... you gave Seamus the Nympho disease."

Malfoya looked confused, then sort of disappointed. "Damn, I knew I should have gotten a vaccination for that!"

"Well? What are you going to do about it?" Seamus screamed in a soprano pitch.

Malfoy sneered. "Nothing. It will wear off eventually."

"Malfoy-Malfoya, what's weird is that he's not in love with you, per se, but someone else, and... well, this person's in the musical, and we think-he thinks it would be most uncomfortable if he stayed in the musical. So... what we're trying to say is... Seamus wants to quit the role of Stumpy. I'm sorry. And so is he."

Malfoy appeared relatively calm. He nodded, took a pink piece of paper out of his bag, wrote a brief message on it, folded it into a heart shape, and blew it toward the staff table. It landed in front of Snape, who could not have been any more disgusted.

"Malfoy, what the hell was that?"

"I just text messaged Snapey."

"Oh. Okay."

"Hold on, I have to write another..."

He dug in his bag for a mauve piece of paper, wrote a brief message on that one, and folded it up into a swan. Before he blew it away, he took one last look at Seamus.

"Are you sure you don't want to be in the musical, Finnigan?"

"Well, I do, but I just can't handle a super duper large part like this one."

"If you say so..." began Malfoy as he blew the piece of paper away.

"So, Malfoy, what are you going to do about the whole, Love/Nympho disease thing? Is there really a vaccination for it?" Harry was interested.

"No, no, there's a potion, but it must be injected to the ass, and I don't want to ruin mine, so I've asked Sevvie to concoct me a beverage to ingest."

Seamus nodded. "Ah, is that what that texty thingy was for?"

"Well, yes and no. The letter did briefly describe my condition, but I was also alerting him of your condition as well. And also that I had to call in your understudy."

Seamus' eyebrows went up. "I had an understudy?"

"Well, yes. We hadn't released the understudy list yet, so I have also taken the liberty of texting your understudy to let him know-"

A scream of happiness echoed throughout the Great Hall.

"Yes, I do believe he's gotten the memo."

All of a sudden, Ron came barreling over to the table, and threw his arms around Malfoy, surprisingly.

"I'M STUMPY! I'M STUMPY! I'M STUMPY!!! YOU LOVE ME!!!"

Snape did not look happy at all.

Harry however was ecstatic, as was Seamus.

"It was a role custom built for you, Ron," he said, walking back to the Gryffindor table.

It took Ron a few minutes to calm down.

"Well, Ron, it looks as if you and me have some songs to sing together!"

Ron nodded. "Yeah, I know! We sing the opening scene with the rest of the cast and the closing scene..."
"Yeah, and you sing Shipumpkin!"

Ron turned green. "W-With you, right Harry? We sing it together, right?"

Harry furrowed his eyebrow. "N-no, Ron, you sing it...alone..."

Ron ran out of the Great Hall, made it to the lavatories in time, and began to puke his brains out.

**

Ron wiped his mouth off and leaned against the toilet bowl. Okay Weasley, take It easy, Ron thought. He stood up, about to leave, when he heard people walk into the room.

Dean and Seamus entered the lavatory, speaking in hushed but excited voices. "Seamus, come on! Don't...Whoa! What are you-Oh." Ron could hear Dean's voice. Seamus laughed, and Ron heard more moaning coming from Dean. Ron put his hand over his mouth, horrified. He so wanted to leave that stall. More than anything in the world he wanted to leave, but the thought of barging in on Seamus and Dean doing God knows what was just unbearable.

"Come on, Dean, you know you like it!" Seamus' voice was filling Ron's increasingly red ears.

"Yeah, but I, uh, wow. It's just that we're in a loo, and... you know... I know you've been bothering me about it all day but -Oh, God!" Dean sounded ready to "blow" at any moment.

"OKAY, THAT'S IT! THAT'S ENOUGH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Ron burst out of the toilet to find Seamus massaging Dean's back. Both of them were fully clothed, staring at Ron like he was crazy.

"What the-" Ron looked at them, his ears still burning.

"I threw out my back this morning, and it's been killing me. Malfoy's been getting on my case about it. You know, because rehearsals start in three days!" Dean rubbed his back and shrugged. Ron's mouth hung open in complete amazement.

"Ron, are you all right?" Seamus raised his eyebrow and crossed his arms. Ron looked from Dean, who looked very embarrassed and uncomfortable, to Seamus, looking smug and satisfied.

"Yeah... just... nervous about the play, I suppose," squeaked Ron, giving a small wave and quickly exiting the bathroom.

"Ron, there you are! Are you feeling all right? Wow... you look terrible!" Hermione had run up to Ron and placed her hand on his forehead. Ron grasped her hand with both of his, and stared at her.

"Wh-What's wrong, Ron?" she asked, looking at him with confusion.

"I just..." Ron pointed over his shoulder to the bathroom door.

"What is it, boy? Someone's drowning in the toilet?" asked Hermione, about to barge in to the bathroom in her normal bossy fashion. Just then, Seamus came out of the lavatories before Hermione could go in, and placed his hand upon Ron's shoulder. Hermione smiled at Seamus and looked at Dean who stood off to the left. Ron jumped and spun around to face them. He was still holding Hermione's right hand with both of his hands. He looked like a deer in headlights. "Ron! What is the matter!? You're acting very...WHOA!" Ron scooped Hermione up in his arms and ran to the stairway to the Gryffindor common room. Seamus turned to Dean. Dean shrugged but Seamus got a huge smile on his face. Dean stared back, horror-struck.

**

Meanwhile, back at the ranch- uh, the common room, Harry was reading the Daily Prophet and had just started on his fifth bottle of butterbeer. Ron flew into the room with Hermione in his arms. He threw her onto the couch, ran over to Harry, spun him around, and put his hands on the arm rests on either side of him. "Ron! Have you gone bloody mad?" Harry spilled beer down the front of his robes. Which isn't surprising. It was, after all, his fifth bottle. "I don't know what's wrong with me! I might be crazy, but I think I just saw Seamus and Dean... uhh... well I'm not exactly sure I saw them, more like heard them... I don't know what they were doing! But he moaned, and there was this laughing and then Hermione came and I ran away and I need to get high really bad!" Harry removed Ron's hands from the chair and stood up. "I don't know exactly what you're talking about Ron, but I have to show you guys something. Come on." Harry walked up into the bedrooms. Ron still looked shocked as Hermione put her hand on his shoulder and led him upstairs.

**

They all traipsed up the stairs, Harry in the lead. When they got to the boy's dormitory, Harry turned around.

"Now, you two have to promise not to scream, okay? Promise?"

They both nodded, though apprehensively.

"Here goes," said Harry, throwing the door open.

Inside the room was Malfoy in a silky champagne negligee and a fur coat open, revealing his bare chest. He let out a girly scream and covered himself. "Harry! Go awaaay! I'm naaaked!"

Ron turned faintly green again and ran to the window to throw it open.

"Don't jump, Ron!" Hermione screamed.

Ron turned around. "I wouldn't have jumped... I only needed fresh air."

Hermione turned angrily to Harry. "Is this," she gestured at Malfoy "what you wanted to show us? Your idea of a joke?"

Harry, who had been just as shocked as the other three, shook his head dumbly. "I have no clue why Malfoya's here..." Malfoy winked and blew a kiss. "Actually, I only wanted to show you a letter I had gotten from Lupin..."

It caught immediate attention of Hermione and Ron. They all knew that Lupin had gone to bargain with the wolves in the fight against Voldemort.

"Is- is it good news?" asked Hermione apprehensively.

"Yeah," said Harry. "It says here that he was able to manage an agreement with...." He stole a glance at Malfoy, looking curiously around the room as if he didn't know how he had gotten there. "The people, and he's coming back-"

"How exciting!" Ron said, nodding his head.

"Wait. I never finished my sentence. He's coming back, and he's also coming back to Hogwarts. It says here, he's gonna permanently fill the Defense teaching position, and he's also going to help Snape with the musical, and-"

"WHAT?" a shrill voice rang out. Malfoy stood up, no longer looking shy at being caught in the negligee. "NO! I'M SEVVIE'S HELPER! ME! MALFOYA'S THE HELPER!"

"Take a chill pill, will ya, Malfoya?" Ron said, unfazed by the angry cross dresser.

"NO! I will not accept your damn old pills... of chill! As you can see, I'm very upset about this..."

Hermione rolled her eyes, but put a comforting hand on Malfoy's sobbing shoulder anyways. "Malfoy, if you cry any more, you'll ruin your makeup. Now, be a man about it."

He looked up at her. "Yes. I must be as much of a lady as I can about this."

He got up and clacked toward the doorway, throwing his fur coat around him.

Hermione started. "But I said to be a ma- oh, well."

"I'll show myself out, thanks." He blew them all kisses, walked out, leaving a wafting trail of strawberry jelly and cigarettes.

They all sat, staring in awe after Malfoy.

"How on earth did he get in here in the first place?" asked Ron.

"Probably Wingardium Leviosaed himself through the window," said Harry absentmindedly.

But of course, Hermione, being the general know-it-all, interjected with a snappish comment, which once again, cut the boys' respective johnsons down to the size of half an inch. She also made it sound really girly as to make them feel inferior. "Of course he didn't, you sillies! Remember? The window was locked and Ron had to throw it open! The only possible way he could have gotten in here is by way of the common room."

This sounded like something Harry normally would have investigated, but being so excited about Lupin coming, he immediately shoved it toward the back of his mind.

The next day, it seemed the entire school learned about Lupin's return. Rumors were flying everywhere, rumors about how he had been cured by a Witch Doctor from Haiti of his Lycanthropy, rumors that he had been working as a tour guide on a gay cruise, and rumors that he had harbored an illegitimate child with Britney Spears.

When he arrived during dinner, he was greeted to a standing ovation. He received one from everywhere except Snape who clapped mechanically, and Malfoy, who sobbed into his watercress salad.

"Professor! Welcome back after your two-year hiatus! If you would be so kind as to brief us on why you're here..." Dumbledore trailed off and sat, giving Lupin the floor.

Lupin, looking adorably sheepish, Harry noted, set down his briefcase. He was wearing relatively new robes and had grown a new sporty goatee. He cleared his throat, and had obviously commanded the attention of the entire auditorium, especially the female students, who had placed their full attention on him.

"For those of you who do not know me, I am newly reinstated Professor Remus J. Lupin, and, well, I suppose the first thing I should tell you is that, well, the child is doing well, and Britney and I are both very happy..."

There was some murmuring about the hall from students who wouldn't have known a joke if it had bit them in the ass. The rest of them laughed. Snape looked annoyed at Lupin's returned status of immediate popularity.

"Kidding, only kidding. I am here because of your dire need for a new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, as your fourth substitute has resigned due to reasons withheld from me... in any case! I am here also to coach the singing in the new Hogwarts Opera, Ten Sickle... Hooker, was it? Yes! Hooker!"

An eruption of cheers emerged from the masses. "Looks like he's really found his place here, hasn't he?" Hermione asked.

"He most certainly is popular," Ron said.

"Not to mention he has an ass that you could bounce a quarter off of..." Seamus sighed.

"Seamus!" began Harry, not wanting to look at said professor's ass for fear of feeling akin to Seamus.

"He's right, you know, Harry. It really is quite delicious." Hermione began, looking solemnly into her plate of food.

Ron spat out his pumpkin juice for what seemed to be the fourth time that year. "What? Oh no, not him too, Hermione! First Snape, now Lupin!"

Hermione chuckled. "Ron, first thing, you and I are not going out anymore, so it's no concern of yours whose ass I find enticing. And second off, I have never had the privilege of doing anything remotely sexual with Professor Lupin. Not that I wouldn't mind, and not that it's any of your business."

Ron blemished immediately, but not from the jab Hermione had made at him. "Wow, Hermione, you really need to not talk right now."

Professor Lupin had made his way down the aisles, and amongst the chatter of the tables, had managed to come up right behind Hermione.

Hermione, with the feeling that the person behind her was not entirely the person she most wanted to see, turned in embarrassment.

"Hi, Professor."

"Hello, Hermione."

"H-how long have you been standing there?"

"Hah, long enough." He gave her a smile and raised his eyebrows, said his hellos to the rest of the group, and continued on down the table to greet the Gryffindors.

Hermione, red in the face, was silent for ten minutes before getting a slight smile on her face. "That," she began "Was probably the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me."

Ron and Harry both started laughing, and soon Seamus and Dean joined in. They found that they could not stop laughing all the way up to the common room door, where they gasped the password (Gargantuan Gorillas) to the Fat Lady. The five of them pushed the door open, still giggling, to find a tall, slimy, and sneering professor staring back at them.

"Miss Granger, may I speak to you alone?"