- Cho Chang/Harry Potter Draco Malfoy/Ginny Weasley Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger Draco Malfoy/Lucius Malfoy Draco Malfoy/Original Female Witch Draco Malfoy/Ron Weasley Albus Dumbledore/Minerva McGonagall Ginny Weasley/Harry Potter Ginny Weasley/Hermione Granger Harry Potter/Hermione Granger Harry Potter/Original Female Witch Harry Potter/Ron Weasley Hermione Granger/Original Female Witch Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley James Potter/Lily Evans Original Female Witch/Ron Weasley Original Female Witch/Severus Snape Remus Lupin/Sirius Black
- Parody Humor
- Multiple Eras
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire
Published: 01/25/2003Updated: 01/25/2003Words: 2,345Chapters: 1Hits: 3,376
Harry Potter and the Cliched Cliche of Cliches
- Story Summary:
- A parody of parodies of badfics. Also slash, Mary Sue, MSTs, the prefect's bathroom and more! Actually that's about it.
Harry Potter and the Clichéd Cliché of... Clichés
PAIRINGS: James/Lily, Sirius/Remus, Harry/Hermione, Ron/Hermione, Harry/Ron, Harry/Hermione/Ron, Harry/Cho, Harry/Draco, Draco/Lucius, Draco/Ron, Draco/Hermione, Draco/Ginny, Hermione/Ginny, Harry/Ginny, Harry/Harry's fist, Harry/Sally, Harry/Mary Sue, Draco/Mary Sue, Ron/Mary Sue, Hermione/Mary Sue, Snape/Mary Sue, Dumbledore/McGona- that teacher, and probably some other ones but my hands hurt from typing so much.
FEEDBACK: If I don't get 100 reviews I will turn to drugs, booze, and whores. And nobody wants that. Especially the whores. Do you want the discomfort and disgust of God knows how many whores on your conscience? Then review! Review, damn you!
Or not. Whatever.
A/N: I love parody fics. Check my favorite's list and you can tell that. But then I was struck with the thought, "What if there was a musical fic where everyone got naked, sang, and had sex?" But I decided to do some lame parody of parodies instead.
"Harry Potter and the Clichéd Cliché of... Clichés"
Written by: Doctor Strangelove
As every good author knows, there are only three time periods in Hogwarts history. There's the era of Harry Potter and his magical adventures of fighting evil and having sex in the prefect's bathroom. There's the era of James Potter and his magical adventures of causing mischief and having sex in the prefect's bathroom. Then there's the era of Godric Gryffindor and his magical adventures of creating a school. And most likely having sex in the prefect's bathroom. The era of Harry Potter's been done to death, and nobody cares about the people from Godric Gryffindor's era because they are old and nobody wants to read about old people having sex. James Potter and the Marauders however are not as old and much more attractive so we'll focus on them.
It was Christmas time at Hogwarts, not wintertime, mind you, because absolutely everyone at that school is a Christian. Which is a little odd considering how much sex they have and all the drinking they do. Anyways, the only people at the school were James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Lily Evans, Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, and Albus Dumbledore. Because all these people are great friends and want to be together, and it's a valid excuse for ignoring everyone else. Peter Pettigrew, despite being a close friend of James, Sirius, and Remus, was not at school because he's fat and never in these fics. Plus he's an evil bastard. I mean his alternate form is a rat! Evil!
Moving on, our three Marauders were hanging out in the Gryffindor common room, because out of an entire castle, that's the most secure place to discuss things like all the rules they broke and Remus being a werewolf and all the other things they discuss like being mean to Severus and several other things that are in all the badfics but somehow become funny when they're in this fic which isn't really different from a regular parody at all.
HARRY: Damn, that's a run off sentence if I ever heard one.
HERMIONE: You didn't see it, Harry. You read it.
HARRY: Damn, that's a run off sentence if I ever read one
SIRIUS: Run off sentence?
REMUS: He forgot the period too.
SIRIUS: Stupid git.
JAMES Hey, that's my son!
SIRIUS: When did they start MSTing this fic anyway?
REMUS: Wait, when did we start MSTing this fic?
"So, Sirius," James stated. "What sort of mischief shall we get into?" James queried.
"I don't know, James. Have you done anything lately?" Sirius addressed his friend.
"Oh!" James exclaimed, "You know that bitch Lily Evans? I hate her so much!" He furiously shouted. "Well, you'll never believe what I did to her." James whispered.
"What?" Sirius quizzed.
"I magically dyed her hair yellow!" James clamored.
"James, Lily's a blonde. Yellow dye won't do anything to her." Remus said, getting a little annoyed at all the fancy things James and Sirius were doing when they spoke.
"Lily's blonde?" Sirius pondere-
"Ahem." Remus cleared his throat and glared at the ceiling.
"Lily's blonde?" Sirius asked. "I thought her hair was red."
"No," James said, happy now? "I could've sworn she was a brunette."
Sirius sighed, "See, James. This is why you should stick with safe colors like green. It's much funnier than yellow, and it's especially funny when I point out that it's funnier."
"Why are you even dying her hair?" Hermione, I mean Remus, asked, putting down his copy of Hogwarts, A History. "I thought the two of you were dating."
James shook his head, "No we hate each other. Or are we dating? This all so confusing!" James sat in silence thinking before finally deciding, "Oh, fuck it! Either way I'm gonna ask her to the Yule Ball." And with that, James was gone, conveniently out of the way for the slushy scene!
Sirius, inexplicably losing his cool demeanor scooted closer to Remus. "You know Remus there's something I wanted to tell you. I- I- I love you! I've loved you ever since that one night."
The sun rose on the Shrieking Shack and Remus's fur started to sink back into his soft, succulent man flesh. Soon he was lying naked and quivering on the floor, in front of a terrified Sirius. His eyes scanned Remus's body, and the terror quickly grew into excitement. Remus, the object of years of lust, despite the fact that this was supposedly the first time Sirius had feelings for him, that Remus was naked.
Sirius hands trailed over his body. Things grew in excitement and bumped into other grown things. Looks were exchanged, hands swept over bodies. Things were sucked. Things were fucked. Things were... bucked. Remus and Sirius cuddled together and settled into a post-coital cuddle.
"Um, Sirius. What the hell was that?" Remus asked, very confused.
"Oh. That was a flashback sequence," Sirius answered, successfully breaking the fourth wall.
"Yeah. It might've helped if you'd specified that beforehand. Or separated it somehow from the rest of the fic. Like if it was in italics."
"But fics like this never separate flashbacks from the rest of the fic."
"Oh, we're in a badfic. That's why you didn't separate the flashback from the rest of the fic."
"Exactly. These types of fics also use repetitive dialogue."
"And they don't specify who's talking."
"Now you've got it."
"So," Remus said, grateful that now people know for sure it was him talking, "Why did you just describe our first sexual experience in semi-pornographic detail?"
"Because of the age of the author, as well as a few other reason, I´m not allowed to describe it in fully pornographic detail."
"So will you go out with me?"
"Sirius, we're already dating. You just talked about it."
"Oh, that's right."
A thought occurred to Remus, "You know, a lot of this fic hasn't made sense."
"Yes, but it's a parody. It mocks a badfic."
"Yes, but even parodies have some sort of structure. This just appears to be a random jumbling of different types of fics. It's like the author thinks that if he puts a whole lot in it wi-"
You know what? I was wrong! Let's go to Harry Potter's generation! It's more fun! Why don't we start with the angst-ridden evil lust object, Draco Malfoy?
"Oh, yes! Oh, Father! Oh, harder, Father, harder! That's the spot! That's the spot! Come on! You're at the end zone! You've got the ball! Now drive it home! Oh! Oh! OH!"
Then again, maybe Harry would be a better choice.
Ah, Harry. Harry who is currently at the... prefect's bathroom? What's he doing there? Oh, no. Well it looks like he's alone. Taking a bath. And moaning?
"Oh Ron!" What the fuck? Ron and Hermione popped up from the other side of the tub, both naked and in the midst of getting their groove thing on. They quickly finished (A/N: Poor Ron. ;) LOL!) and sat there looking content.
"You know," Harry said, sitting back and beginning to explain something that's not only confused the readers but the author as well. "I used to be in love with Hermione and we dated. Then she and I started dating much to the chagrin of Ron. Then he started an affair with her too. We got into a fight and starting making out, releasing loads of sexual tension. Now Harry, Ron, and Hermione are just one big happy orgyistic couple."
Ginny popped up next to Harry, "And me too!"
Harry smiled, "And you too."
Hermione also smiled, people smile after having sex in the prefect's bathroom, "Thus fulfilling many of those relationships listed at the top of the fic."
Ron glance at the top of the fic, "What about Harry/Sally?"
Hermione did... something, "Oh, I think that's just a 'clever' pun about When Harry Met Sally."
Ron nodded in agreement, even though he had absolutely no idea what When Harry Met Sally was. "It's not that funny."
RGinny nodded in agreement, even though he had absolutely no idea what When Harry Met Sally was. "It really isn't."
You know what else isn't funny? When fanfiction characters act like they know they're in fanfiction.
Ron smirked, "Then why are you making us talk like-" Suddenly Ron slipped in the tub and drowned.
Hermione smiled some more, "I guess there goes the Ron/Draco pairing. Well, if he doesn't want to have sex with him, I don't want to either."
"Me neither!" Harry and Ginny, for convenience of typing just one exclamation, said simultaneously.
Fine no one has sex with Draco except Lucius!
"Well, what about Mary Sue?"
"Okay, you don't have to ye-"
It's time for the Yule Ball! Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Draco were all at the Yule Ball!
"Aw," Draco whined, "I was taking it up the ass!" Fine! Suddenly Ron is alive and doing Malfoy doggie style! "Who-hoo!!!!!!!11!"
"Well," Hermione asked, still smiling, "If you brought Ron back for that does that mean we have to be with Draco too?" Maybe. "Maybe yes or maybe no?" No, you don't. "Okay."
That reminds me. It's the for the author's self-insertion!
"Ew." Ron said, "I didn't know you could bend like that. Not that kind of insertion.
Harry groaned, "You don't mean a Mary Sue do you?" Why? "Because Mary Sue's are so overused in parodies. I think there are more Mary Sue parodies than Mary Sues. Let me guess, American exchange student? You'll spend on and on about how perfect she is? Just like in actual Mary Sues, except now it's 'funny'. Then, what? She'll sing some American song? American band at the Yule Ball? She has sex with everybody?"
"Then what's gonna happen?"
Um...Ron and... Draco!
"What about them?"
They're gonna make out?
Ron and Draco proceed to make out.
"Oh, my God!" Percy Weasley shouted!
His companion, but not in a slash way, to the Yule Ball, Oliver Wood looked at him, "What is it?"
"There are two guys making out!"
"And... it's two guys making out!"
"Percy, this is the wizarding world, no one cares about things like that here."
And then Hermione and Ginny started to make out.
"Oh, that's just sick!" Oliver shouted and proceeded to throw up on Percy's shoes.
Mary Sue was off sitting in some undetermined classroom, awaiting her entrance to the Yule Ball. She started to sing and dance in preparation, "Find a honey that's standing on the wall. All the girl's get the guys on the floor. From the front to the back, let's go! Hear this! Woo! Somebody hit the lights! So we can rock it day and night! People gettin' down, that's right! From AM to PM! Everybody looking like stars! All the chicks and the fellas in the bar! All of ya bumpin' this in your car! From AM to PM! Ooh ooh! Yeah yeah!"
Mary Sue started to shake her ass and breast as she danced around. Her perfect skin. Her perfect hair. Her perfect dancing. Her perfect singing ability. She was the bestest Gryffindor ever! She kept dancing around the dungeon.
"I thought I was in a classroom?"
Don't you start too. At that time Snape walked by and since Mary Sue is simply irresistible, the two quickly started having sex. Who gives a damn about foreplay or even learning the other person's name? Here's the edited version!
licked undressed Mary Sue Snape "Oh!" giant you I man cleavage kiss love goat "Yes! Yes! YES!"
Okay, that's enough of them. Let's go check on the Yule Ball.
Everyone is just standing around. Hermione looks upset and clears her throat. This annoys Ginny, who she's still making out with, so Hermione stops. Harry gets the idea and clears his throat. "Is anything gonna happen?" Like what? "Like a dance? Voldemort? I mean seriously, this is a pretty lame fic."
Fine! Harry is suddenly drained by a vampire-
"It's been done!"
This is a parody fic!
"True, but does it have to be? Can't you come up with your own humorous storyline? That's what the people want! Can't you do that?"
No! Have you read my fics? Stealing other people's ideas and passing them off as my own is all I'm good at! Hell, that's what everyone here does. None of this stuff is original. It's all been done before! There are no new storylines!
"Yes, but a lot of people take old storylines and still make them into interesting fics."
Yeah, well this isn´t one of them.
"Okay, fine. I'll just wait for the fifth book. But while I'm waiting, if you're a guy, why was the author self-insertion character a girl? I mean, what's that about?"
Oh screw you all! Okay, let's try Godric Gryffindor's era! They can't be any worse than the others. All you cared about was having sex and pointing out my flaws.
Godric Gryffindor put his arms around Rowena Ravenclaw and Salazar Slytherin, "You know, I have this great idea. I call it the prefect's bathroom."
"Oh, Godric, is that your sword or are you just happy to see me?"