Harry Potter and the Pepperoni of Doom!

Chapter Thirteen

The amount of people assembled in the lair beneath the tree was now getting ridiculous. Roughly half of the named characters in the entire Potter saga were there, having arrived through various plot-holes, and it was getting extremely difficult to keep track of everyone.

"Look," said Harry, pissed off at all the confusion. "Can we please just make things easier by getting rid of most people? We want to wrap this story up by the end of the chapter, which is near impossible at the moment."

Everyone looked around nervously at each other, fearing that they might be suddenly cut from the story.

"So, what do you suggest we do then?" asked Voldemort, leaning up against a wall with his arms crossed.

"We should really only keep those people essential to the story, and maybe keep one or two around for comedic purposes," advised Hermione. "This is a Riddikulus fic, after all."

"Well that's me out for a start," said Justin, who was neither integral to the story, nor even slightly amusing.

"And me," said Hannah, following Justin out of the room.

"Me too," chime in Mad-Eye Moody and Ludo Bagman synchronously, joining the line behind Hannah.

After a few minutes, the number of people in the room had been whittled down considerably. The only people now remaining were: Harry, Ron, Hermione, all for obvious reasons; Voldemort, to act as the baddie; the Kebab of Storge; Seamus and Neville, for comic purposes; and finally, Ginny, to remain the trollop.

Draco was severely pissed off that he had not been chosen to remain in the story, but he left peacefully after he was promised a substantial role in the forthcoming sequel.

"Right," said Harry, happy that things had become much easier to get his mind around. "We can now get on with the story. Remember, this is the last chapter - neither Twinkle nor Cynthia will be happy if there are any more."

"Sounds fine to me," said Ron. "To be honest, I was getting bored with it myself."

There was an extended silence that seemed to go on forever. Everyone seemed to be waiting for clear sign of how to proceed.

"So, err... how exactly do we finish the story?" asked Ginny.

"Well in my opinion..."

"Here we go!" everyone chorused, as they knew Hermione was about to start one of her lectures.

Unperturbed, Hermione continued. "In my opinion, we should take a vote as to who should be the one to bump off Voldemort!"

Everyone shuddered at the name - even Voldemort himself!

"Ooh, I just love the way it rolls of the tongue," he said quivering slightly. "Say it again."

"Voldemort!"

"Ooh!" he squeaked gleefully.

"ENOUGH!" Harry interjected, reverting back to caps-lock, as it had been some chapters now since he'd used them.

"IF ANYONE KILLS VOLDEMORT..."

"Ooh!"

"OH FOR GOD'S SAKE... IT'LL BE ME, OK?" Harry took a deep breath to continue his rant. "I'M THE ONE WITH THE HERO OBSESSION!"

At this point, everyone in the cavernous tree had obviously stopped listening and was engaged in a game of strip poker. Voldemort appeared to be winning and was waving his wand around likes a baton, as his victims' clothes went flying all over the place.

Harry decided it was time to take matters into his own hands, and he silently reached for a discarded wand.

Harry grabbed the wand, pointed it straight at Voldemort, and started some sweeping wand motions. "Stup..."

"HEY, A FULL HOUSE!" interrupted Seamus, throwing his winning hand face up on the table where they were all playing. "Off with the dress, Voldy."

Voldemort, forced to abide by the rules of the game that were clearly stated in the book 'Strip Poker - The Wizard Way', stood up from his chair and peeled off the shoulder straps of his evening dress, causing it to fall to the ground. Disappointingly for Seamus, Voldemort was not naked underneath, but was wearing a silky black negligee.

Harry took advantage of Voldemort's distraction and attempted to cast his spell again. "Stupefy!"

The spell shot directly at the Dark Lord, hitting him in the back. Voldemort, however, was not affected in the slightest, merely regarding it as a minor annoyance. "Put that bit of wood away," mocked Voldemort. "There's no way I can be harmed by mere magic, not while the Pepperoni exists."

"Oh," said Hermione, working out what Voldemort meant. "So your life-force is tied to the Pepperoni of Doom. While it survives, you cannot be harmed."

"Couldn't have said it better myself," smiled Voldemort.

"Unless, of course," continued Hermione, "you are attacked by the Kebab of Storge. Since it was designed to counter the Pepperoni, the same bond that ties your life-force to the Pepperoni makes you vulnerable to the Kebab."

"You couldn't have kept that little bit of information to yourself, could you?" decried Voldemort. "We could have stretched this story on for another three chapters if that little bit of information had been withheld."

"Well," said Hermione, "what can I say? I am, after all, the smartest witch in my year."

"That's hardly something to boast about, Hermione," said Ron. "Look at the competition - Parvati, Lavender, and Padma are just a few giggling school girls, Hannah Abbott and Susan Bones are as thick as shit, and Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bullstrode are more concerned with beating people up and fawning over Malfoy to bother learning anything. And as for those two other Gryffindor girls that have never been mentioned by name... "

"He's got a point, Hermione," said Neville, meekly.

"I don't care what the comparable level of intelligence is," snorted Hermione. "I'm the smartest witch of my year, and that's that."

"ENOUGH OF THIS!" said Harry, finally progressing to bold caps-lock. "LET'S JUST GET THIS BATTLE OVER WITH!"

Harry threw away the wand, snatched the Kebab of Storge from where it was sleeping on top of the grand piano, and pointed it at Voldemort.

The Dark Lord sighed. "Oh, very well. I can see how desperate you are to finish the story." He turned his attention to his poker buddies. "It looks like we'll have to finish this game later."

Voldemort stood up and crossed to the centre of the room, directly facing Harry. Hermione and Ron stood at Harry's side, while Ginny stood next to her master. Seamus and Neville, meanwhile, sat down on a couple of reclining chairs, watching the battle unfold and placing a couple of friendly bets on the outcome.

"It's not too late, Harry," said Voldemort menacingly. "Join me, and we can end this destructive conflict!"

"I'LL NEVER JOIN YOU!" shouted Harry.

"If only you knew the truth," said Voldemort. "Dumbledore never told you what happened to your father."

"He told me enough," said Harry angrily. "He told me you killed him!"

"No," said Voldemort ominously. "I am your father."

Shock embraced Harry, causing his finger to finally hit the caps-lock key again. "NO! THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Search your feelings; you know it to be true."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO!"

Hermione butted in. "Ahem."

"What do you want, Mudblood?" barked Voldemort.

"You're wrong," she said. "On J.K.Rowling's rather excellent website, in the rumours section, it specifically states that you are NOT Harry's father, or grandfather, or any other type of relative for that matter."

"She's right, Master," said Ginny. "You can't be his father. This isn't Star Wars, you know."

"Damn it!" exclaimed Voldemort. "Just what else does she say on her website?" Ginny whispered something into her master's ear. "What? Well there goes my whole 'I'm the Half-Blood Prince' routine."

"Just who is the Half-Blood Prince anyway?" asked Ron. "Please don't let it be Hagrid. I think I'd kill myself if that happened. I personally reckon that it's Godric Gryffindor, or that new DADA teacher we're supposed to be getting."

"No-one, apart from J.K., truly knows who the Half-Blood Prince is," said Hermione. "We'll all just have to wait until book six is released."

"Roll on July 16th," said Voldemort.

"Look, can we shut up about those stupid books and get down to this fight where Dumbledore or someone inevitably saves me at the last minute?" asked Harry impatiently.

Seamus and Neville surveyed the scene unfolding before them with bated breath. "Good seats these, aren't they Nev?" Seamus said, turning to the once podgy Gryffindor.

"Ribbit!"

Seamus was taken aback. "Neville, what's the matter?"

"I've found Trevor!" Neville cried gleefully.

Ignoring the banter between Seamus and Neville, Harry pointed the Kebab at Voldemort threateningly. "I'll do it, you can't stop me now!" he proclaimed, waving the Kebab as bits of lettuce fell to the floor.

Voldemort took a step closer. "Give it to me Potter," he cooed, wafting his hand in front of Harry's face. "Give that to me...Then go and get me some Orange Sherrrrberrrt."

Harry's face turned pale, and his eyes seemed to glaze over.

Hermione shouted. "Nooooo Harry, he's using the Jedi Mind Trick. Fight it!"

"Shut up, you insufferable know it all!" cried Voldemort.

Harry's face contorted, like he was suffering with severe constipation. Then he slowly raised the Kebab of Storge to his mouth. As his lips parted to take in the succulent kebab, Voldemort screamed. "Aww, SHIT!"

Harry could feel a warm pressure on his mind, as his eyelids began to droop from a sudden sensation of absolute drowsiness. He could barely make out Hermione's pleas to put up some sort of fight. Fight what? Harry pondered this question only a moment when he felt the pressure on his mind whisper; "Give it to meee, Potterrr!"

Gross, Harry thought. Who was this saggy old wizard standing in front of him asking for Harry to give it to him? Give what, exactly? 'It'? Harry wasn't the type to give 'it' to some dirty old man. Not in this fanfic, anyway. Harry was decided.

"No," he mumbled as the weight on his mind began to lift. "I'm not giving you shit, you ancient, perverted bastard!"

Voldemort was suddenly on top of Harry fighting for the Kebab. They grappled with each other, falling of the piano (donated for this scene by Elton John) and onto the ground. They both shouted hexes and counter-curses, each holding onto the Kebab for their very lives, as the Kebab burned dark crimson.

"Die, you insufferable, bratty saviour!" shrilled Voldemort, as a curse narrowly missed Neville, singeing the top of Neville's hair.

"I NEVER ASKED TO BE ANYONE'S SAVIOUR!" Harry yelled back completely immersed in caps-lock at this point. "YOU MADE ME, YOU EVIL PENIS!"

" 'Evil penis'?" Voldemort asked, as they stopped struggling for a moment both still clutching the Kebab of Storge. "Did you mean, 'evil genius'?"

"Um... No. I meant what I said."

"So I made you an evil penis?"

"No. What I am meaning to say, and I am hoping by not screaming at the top of my lungs like a three-year-old girl, is that you made me what I am and that you are an evil penis."

"So you are not calling me an evil genius?"

"No. Sorry."

"Ah. I see. Very well then... Crucio!"

"ARRRGHHH! YOU EVIL, DECEPTIVE PENIS! ARRRRRGGGHHH!" Harry could feel the Cruciatus Curse burn all the way down to his... feet.

Everyone stood by watching anxiously, hoping that Harry would turn the tide against the Dark Lord. They gasped as they witnessed Harry fall to one knee, still holding onto the Kebab now with only one hand. They flinched each time Voldemort cried, "It's almost mine!" and giggled like midget on helium. It was more than Neville could take.

"We have to do something!" said Neville, pulling his wand out from his robes.

"Right. That's a fucking brilliant plan," Seamus replied dryly. "You lead, we'll follow."

"I am serious, you guys! We have to do something. How many times has Harry been there for us all? How many times has he saved the school? And I don't mean the incidents recorded in books. Harry has been our friend for ages! He has battled the forces of evil and lost his parents, saw Cedric die, and watched as his godfather pass through the Veil! We can never repay Harry for all he has done, but we still owe him our lives."

"Um... Neville?" Ron interjected. "Maybe it's not such a good idea to become so passionate about something so soon after - you know."

"I have no idea what you're on about, Ron. I do know that we must help Harry, for the good of the world. Muggle and Wizarding. We must find the courage in our hearts to..."

BRRRAWWWK!!!

A plume of feathers burst forth from the bottom of Neville's robes.

"See? I told you, but did you listen to me? No. It's just a harmless little speech."

Seamus and Hermione fell over from laughter, Draco was on his mobile phone making arrangements with an escort service for later that evening, Neville just stared agape with astonishment, as the after-effect of Fred and George's cruel condom-prank reared its ugly, feathery head. "Oh, no," Neville whimpered. "Not again."

"Excuse me," said a voice from behind them. "But is that a rooster?"

Ron and Neville turned around and blanched, as they saw Ginny walking towards them with a butcher knife and a wild, murderous look in her eye.

"Oh, fuck!" cried a voice from below. "Keep that butchering hag away from me!"

Ron put a hand to his mouth in surprise as the rooster attached to Neville's crotch yelled for him to get his "fat ass" moving.

No one paid attention, as Harry's hand began to lose its grip on the Kebab.

"You're finally going to lose, Potter. How does feel to know that in the end you couldn't stop me? Now I will have the powers of both the Pepperoni of Doom and the Kebab of Storge. I will be invincible and not even that fool mud-blood lover Albus Dumbledore will be able to stop me!"

Harry could not believe this is how the ending was going to turn out. The summary of the fic sounded excellent and full of adventure when he signed up. Unfortunately it was another example of a fanfic's summary making a promise it refused to keep. Dirty bastards, thought Harry. He had to stop Voldemort. No one else was doing anything to help him, no matter how well intentioned Neville sounded. Good ol' Nev. He deserves better than what he is going to get when Voldemort wins, thought Harry. Harry was exhausted. He had been hit repeatedly with the Cruciatus Curse and he felt his mind beginning to lose its hold on reality. If only the Kebab would save them. Worthless piece of meat.

Voldemort saw Harry's hand finally slip. "And now, Harry James Potter, you die."

It was a desperate act. Harry was not sure whether he would save them all or if nothing would happen. In that instant he came to the conclusion he always did when he ended up having to battle Voldemort and his minions in order to save everyone and their mothers.

Fuck it all, Harry thought simply, and he cleared his throat, opened his mouth and bit nearly halfway down upon the mighty Kebab. A bright white flash of light illuminated the entire room for an instant, blinding everyone momentarily. Harry could hear someone screaming. Was it Voldemort? Was it Hermione? It was a high-pitched shriek. Draco? No, had to be Neville. Harry's mind went blank as he decided to take another bite. He suddenly realised the scream was coming from the Kebab.

The crimson glow had suddenly gone out.

"No! You miserable fool!" Voldemort cried. "I'm RUINED!"

Harry swallowed, walked over to his wand and picked it up off the floor. He aimed it at Voldemort and was soon joined by Hermione, Ron, Seamus and Draco at his side. It was over. It all was finally over.

"Imbeciles!" Voldemort shouted at them and the narrator's voice. "I still have the power of the Pepperoni of Doom. I may not have the power yet to instantly bind the world with my will, but I-"

"Oh, thank Merlin!" came a voice that sounded as if it were descending from the sky. "Did you say pepperoni? We haven't had a damn thing to eat for hours!"

They all looked to the staircase and watched as Crabbe and Goyle made their way down the stairs. They seemed a bit out of breath when they stopped at the bottom.

"Damn Weasley and Longbottom," Goyle panted. "Outran us all the way here. Sons of bitches!"

Crabbe sniffed the air. "There it is again, Goyle! Do you smell it?"

Goyle tilted back his head and inhaled through his nose deeply. "Ahhh!" he exhaled in relief. He brought his gaze down and fixed it upon the Dark Lord. A wicked grin spread slowly across Goyle's lips. "Crabbe. That one's got food."

Goyle was visibly salivating. It had been so long since they had a meal. No double cheeseburgers, no onion rings, no chicken be it barbequed, baked or otherwise, and certainly no ravishing of a mostly-dead Mudblood. Someone was going to pay dearly.

Goyle and Crabbe hurtled toward the group, knocking everyone aside and tackling their fathers' Dark Master. One began to rifle through Voldemort's robes as the other pinned him down by sitting on his chest.

"I CAN'T BREATH!" shouted Voldemort. "NOOO!"

"I've found it!" Crabbe squealed in delight as he held up the two-inch Pepperoni of Doom to everyone. "I guess that's half for you and two-thirds for me, Goyle."

They were about to split the Pepperoni when a loud commotion interrupted their feast.

"SLOW DOWN, DAMMIT!" screamed Neville.

The rooster flapped its wings as hard as it could, dragging Neville around the room as Ginny slowly stalked them both. Ginny was only to happy to let them run themselves ragged.

"What? Slow down? Hey, fuck you, man! She killed my sister! I've seen that look in her eye before! You just move your podgy little legs and jump when I tell you!"

"Jump?" Neville asked, dreading the explanation.

"Jump! NOW!"

They careered into everyone in an explosion of feathers, wands, and a seemingly doomed deli-delight. Voldemort was on his feet quickly when Crabbe and Goyle rolled off. Fists flew in every direction as they tried to reclaim the Dark Lord.

"STOP HIM!" Harry caps-locked.

Hermione tripped over Seamus and landed on Ron's crotch. "Sorry," she muttered.

"Didn't this happen the last fic?" asked Ron.

"Yes, but people insist it's a funny pratfall. I fail to find the humour in it, however."

"Right. I can't believe I'm saying this, but you can get off my crotch now."

Ginny easily moved through the flailing limbs and the confusion and found her quarry. She bent down, as Neville had fallen on his back, and pinned him down with one hand. The rooster was flapping to and fro trying to make flight in vain as it was attached to Neville where its legs would have been.

"Keep that crazy bitch away from me! HELP! HELP! GREENPEACE! PETA! Somebody!"

Neville broke down in tears.

"Shh." Ginny soothed as she brought the knife from in front of Neville's eye down to his waist. "It's just going to be a little snip, I promise. Nothing to get worked up about."

"N-no! Please! It's not natural! It will make me seem smaller!" Neville was babbling incoherently. He did not want a rooster attached to his business, but he was becoming rather fond of this particular winged creature. And he never could afford an owl on his own...

"Nonsense. It will be a bit more hygienic for you, now, won't it?" said Ginny.

And with a gentle, loving, quick motion Ginny had killed herself another rooster. Blood sprayed on everyone and the ceiling, as Neville screamed in horror, the rooster crowed a questioning "BWAAARK?" and Seamus vomited on Hermione's new shoes. It was madness, sheer mayhem, a cornucopia of screams of disgust and wench, red-haired, blood-lusting giggling. It was a shocking panic that seemed to stop time; everyone frozen with dread.

Ahem... Everyone frozen with dread.

"Oh! Right! Sorry," whispered Voldemort as he pulled out his wand and rendered Crabbe and Goyle unconscious. "I'll take that, thank you." He picked up a slightly chewed Pepperoni of Doom, stuffed it into his front pocket, and hastily looked about for an exit to make his grand escape.

Harry saw this and gestured violently towards the Dark Lord. He tried to open his mouth to speak but no words, only feathers, came out.

Harry, again, tried to scream that the Dark Lord was trying to escape but to no avail. As the carnage wrought by everyone else in the tree continued, Harry found it difficult to concentrate. His stress was building up, getting stronger and stronger, until: -

"ARRRGGHHHH!" he moaned, keeling over in pain. He thought he had been struck by the Cruciatus curse again, but the agony he was experiencing now was at least ten times worse. The pain was getting too much for him to bear, so bad in fact that he felt he would die. Then, all of a sudden, the pain instantly stopped.

Harry opened his eyes and got to his feet, and everyone seemed to be staring at him.

"What the hell are you looking at, Malfoy?" shouted Harry.

"Well, err ... it's ... um..." mumbled Draco.

"It's what?" Harry asked again.

Hermione, as always, was able to provide the answer. "It's your body Harry," she said. "It's become, well, bigger."

"Bigger?" asked Harry, confused. He looked down at his body and found that he had indeed become larger, increasing his height to well over six feet. His muscles seemed to have got bigger too, with a chest that would have made the Governor of California jealous in his body-building days. Bringing his hand up to his head, Harry found that his hair had become longer and silkier.

Ginny dropped her bloodstained knife and gawped at Harry. "My god," she said, "he's gorgeous."

Ron seemed to be the only one in the room not impressed by Harry's new physique. "How the hell did this happen? And what's that sticking out your back?"

Harry reached behind his back to find something long and made of metal: a sword, sheathed in a scabbard attached to his back. He grasped the hilt of the sword and drew it in front of him. "This is the Sword of Gryffindor!" he happily exclaimed.

"It must be something to do with the Kebab," concluded Hermione. "It was made by Godric Gryffindor. You ate the Kebab, so you must have inherited some of his power."

"The power?" asked Harry. "I have power?" He raised the sword high above his head and shouted loudly. "I HAVE THE POWER!"

"Let's hope this is only a temporary thing so we can finally finish the story," Seamus whispered into Neville's ear.

"AFTER VOLDEMORT!" Harry commanded, leading the pursuit.

Ginny ran after Harry, her eyes now popping out of her head, while licking her lips. Neville ran after Ginny, his wand drawn, in a vain attempt to save Harry from the unchaffable female. Seamus ran after Neville, just because he didn't want to be left behind. And Ron and Hermione, just stood there.

"Better go and save that lot hadn't we." Hermione muttered.

"Yeah," Ron answered resolutely.

*

Voldemort stumbled out of the tree, landing face first in Unicorn crap. As he tried to get to his feet, Harry fell on top of him, then Ginny... (Need I continue? I'm sure you get the picture.)

"Mmmmfff!" mumbled Voldemort.

"Pardon?" asked Harry, with his newly acquired superhero voice.

"Stop wasting time, big boy, and get your kit off!" added Ginny.

"Get away from him, you BITCH! Stupefy!" The hex hit Harry squarely in the back. "Bugger!" muttered Neville

"Here he comes to save the day!" sang Seamus.

This is the scene that met Albus Dumbledore and various surly Aurors, as they ambled through the forest. Hermione and Ron levitated the bodies and moved them to clear the way for the Aurors to get to Voldemort.

"Up to your eyes in shit again, Tom," Dumbledore chuckled.

Voldemort scowled. "That's what you think, you interfering cretin," and he make a run for it.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

The green jet of light shot from Neville's wand, and hit Voldemort squarely in the back. Voldemort slumped to the ground.

"Bloody Hell!" croaked Ron.

"How come you could kill him, and not Harry?" asked Hermione.

Neville just stood there quivering. "I'mgoingtoAzkaban. I'mgoingtoAzkaban," he chanted.

"No you're not, son," Dumbledore said quietly. "Neville was Voldemort's equal, not Harry... Only just found out."

Everyone blinked in amazement.

"Would you believe it? Sybil got it wrong again!"

"Bloody hell! " said Hermione. "Neville is the one the prophecy refers to? But then how come Harry could touch it in the Ministry if it wasn't about him?"

"Err... It was a filing error. The magic protecting the prophecy wasn't inherent to the prophecy; it was placed by the Ministry."

"But that can't be right!" exclaimed Hermione. "All the signs pointed to the following plot developments: Everybody would get really horny because of the Pepperoni, and it would seem that all was lost, and then someone would try to molest Harry and be stunned by the powerful vetting curse put on him by his over-protective mother..."

"Like happened when we tried to have that threesome..." said Ron slowly to himself.

"And then Harry, who loves to be the centre of attention, will spoil everybody else's fun, because he is unaffected by the Pepperoni."

"FECK! KUNT!" barked Seamus.

"But not before some serious swinging with the Parvati twins," added Ron brightly.

"But then Voldemort has the same blood curse as Harry," said Dumbledore, with the same flicker of triumph Harry saw in his eyes when he first told him of Voldemort's return. "So, though he would be able to rule unchallenged over everybody and achieve his precious immortality, he would have been cursed never to feel love, physical pleasure or even a big hug or friendly nudge from another human being."

"Except Harry," said Dumbledore, his eyes lighting on the Boy-Who-Lived. "Harry, being the only person who could touch or be touched by the Dark Lord, could vanquish him with the love power the poor orphan boy had never known; rimming."

"Would that have killed him?"

"The Dark Lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Wwho, Voldemort, would indeed be destroyed, leaving only the human being he once was, snookums, thingamajig, what's his face."

"Tom Riddle?"

Albus Dumbledore cringed.

"Then ...you did this? This whole Pepperoni thing was your idea?"

"Yes. You see, I orphaned him, made him what he was: I owed him a solution. When I saw fate had repeated with Harry, I forged the connections - the scarring-charm, Fawkes' wands, the Triwizard thing - all of it, to make up for what I had done to Tom, that night when his father came home to find his mother and I playing hairy oysters and pearls."

"But you didn't count on Neville."

"I did not. I would have got away with it, if it wasn't for that pesky kid."

"Well," said Snape emerging from the shadows, "that's all over with. Book 'im Deano. I'll finally get that job I was after, as Headmaster, and we can all go home."

"IT'S NOT OVER! WHAT ABOUT ME! MY ONE SHOT AT HAPPINESS, FUCKED!"

"Oh, shut up and fuck off. Come back all bitter and twisted in the sequel, I don't care. I'm going home. THE END."

"But what about the Pepperoni and the Kebab?"

"Well, I don't see why we don't all just go with the flow with the Pepperoni's recreational uses and the Kebab's reality jumbling influence to make sure nobody can ever be sure what's really happening anyway, and we'll all live happily ever after."

"In a post-historic utopia, you mean?"

"Yeah."

"Cool. As long as nobody finishes off the Kebab..."

"But, um," mumbled Harry, "I ate the Kebab."

"You idiot!" shouted Dumbledore. "Then it is only a matter of time before the time-line corrects itself, and we all go back to before any of this stupid story happened."

"Great," said Seamus, happily. "We'll all be back when Cheesy Doodles were a-plenty." His mind filled with thoughts of sharp, tangy cheese flavourings, and became a deep, unstoppable, hard to get off your mind (and hands and clothes) smokescreen of orange cheese scenting. A blinding FLASH came out of every single one of Harry's orifices, blinding everyone in the near vicinity.

Seamus felt a sharp searing pain in his forehead.

"What the hell was for that for?" Seamus cried.

Dean Thomas smacked him on the forehead with the bottom of his purple, fuzzy slipper once again.

"I haven't had any sleep for the past two weeks!" SMACK! "That's what for!" SMACK!

"OUCH, GODDAMMIT!" SMACK! Seamus was desperately trying to fend off blows with his hands. "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL ME! HELP, SOMEBODY!"

"Oh, so now you're going to yell and disturb everyone else's sleep, eh?" SMACK! "Well, not on my watch, do you hear me?" SMACK! SMACK!

Ron and Harry, by this time, had stumbled out of their beds and were trying to get a hold of a feral-looking Dean to pull him and his slipper away from Seamus. Neville snored on from behind his curtains, oblivious.

"What the hell is going on here, Dean Thomas? As Prefect I won't have any more of these late night antics!" said Ron loftily, as he puffed out his chest.

"ME? I'm not the one bringing girls into the dorm, making muffled animal noises, and keeping me up half the damned night!"

"Girls into the - What?" Seamus was still rubbing his forehead as they all worked around his question.

Seamus had turned bright red. He would have to tell them his dirty, cheesy little secret...

THE END!