Harry Potter and the Pepperoni of Doom!

Seamus stared in disbelief at the sight that lay before him. Bent over and tied to a barrel of Firewhiskey, Harry Potter grunted in agony, as Ginny, dressed in a pink tutu and fairy wings made of wire and toilet paper, spanked his bare bottom with her wand, which had a shiny star on its tip made from cardboard and tin foil.

"Holy shit!" Seamus cried. "Is that a barrel of Ogden's Reserve?"

"Hmm, you know, Seamus, I'm not certain," Harry began. "Let's see. I think this label says that it's made by 'GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!'"

Seamus eyed Harry sceptically. "That can't be right. I think I recognise that mark near the side of your- Hey, why are your trousers dropped? And why are you tied to that barrel?" Seamus was beginning to sober.

"Harry has been naughty and must be punished," Ginny said seductively, as she clapped Harry on the buttocks with her hand.

"Was he caught chewing food with his mouth open again?"

"What?" asked Ginny and Harry.

Sobriety was a lengthy process for a Finnigan.

"I don't get it, then," Seamus sighed, shaking his head.

"Listen to me, Seamus. You're drunk. Now, I'm only going to explain this once so pay attention." Harry took a deep breath. "We've all been under the spell of the Pepperoni of Doom. You began to suspect as much in Hagrid's cabin, remember? I know, that seemed like weeks ago and for me, yesterday, and for Hermione it seemed only a few chapters."

"Hermione?"

"Just follow along, okay? The thing with this pepperoni is that it causes people to lose their inhibitions, their sense of what is right and what is wrong and really fucks with there sense of time. Watches don't work, calendars are useless, and the sun won't shine... It's madness."

"I don't wear a wristwatch-"

"Dammit, Seamus! Can't you see I am cleverly trying to summarise what's been going on with everyone?"

"Right. Carry on then."

"So the Pepperoni of Doom is unstoppable, or so we thought. Draco and the others, yourself included, went on a quest to find the only thing that can stop the Pepperoni."

"This kebab?" asked Seamus turning his attention to the kebab he had been holding the entire time.

"Not just a kebab. The Kebab of Storge. I'm not sure what it does yet. Hermione suspects it can alter the space-time continuum. What I do know is that it can speak, it is an energy source, and that it transported you here after leaving Draco, the Hufflepuffs, and the Knight Bus stranded somewhere near the Ministry of Magic."

"Wait a minute. How can you know all that?"

"This used to be a Tree of Knowledge in another story," Ginny replied breezily.

"Bitch!" Hermione coughed.

"A Tree of Knowledge? But that makes no sense. How come none of this sounds even vaguely familiar to me? Shouldn't I be experiencing some revelation in regards to all this? Shouldn't I be able to determine what brand of Firewhiskey that is? Shouldn't I-"

Seamus was interrupted by a cold, high-pitched chuckle that came from behind a curtain. Seamus had heard the stories, had kept candles in his room lit in his childhood to ward off the Dark Lord and his minions, but never in his most paralysing nightmares had he imagined Lord Voldemort to appear as frightening or as in need of a little sun as the figure that stood before him.

Voldemort zipped his fly.

"This isn't and could never be mistaken for the Tree of Knowledge. I would never permit such a lapse in my plans for our futures. This, my dear Mudblood Lover, is a Tree of Things That Need to be Summed-Up. And so while Potter suspects he knows all of what has been happening, he cannot know the full extent of the reasoning behind all this." Voldemort casually waved his hand about. "You see, the Pepperoni of Doom was created by a brilliant wizard a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away."

"What? Like Senator Palpatine from Star Wars?" Seamus asked eagerly.

"No, you idiot! Not like- YES! Like that senator-character from Star Wars!"

"Don't listen to him, Seamus!" Harry shouted. "Voldemort is the Master of Lies!"

"Silence, swine!" Ginny hissed as she scratched a fingernail down Harry's ass cheek.

"Ow, you dumb bitch! That hurt!"

"No. You thinking so poorly of me and ignoring me in your second year, and making snide remarks at dinner like 'Pass me a piece of chicken, Ginny. From that platter not from your pockets, this time.' That's what hurts." Ginny sniffled.

Seamus and Voldemort stared at Ginny in silence.

"I'm sorry. Where was I? Ah, yes!"

"Star Wars?"

"Yes! No... The Pepperoni. You see, I could never have taken control of the wizarding world with the likes of Dumbledore and Harry Potter spoiling my plans at every turn. I needed a weapon. A weapon of immense powers that could render these Mudblood lovers' bravery and magic useless."

"Ooh! The Prophecy?" Seamus asked, now sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of Voldemort as if listening to his grandfather tell a story about Dragons and stupid Muggle knights foolish enough to fight them with a sword.

"No, not the Prophecy! Damn it, boy, you're a bit drunk still aren't you? No matter. The Pepperoni was created by a wizard-"

"You said 'a brilliant wizard'!"

"What? Oh, yes. Sorry. The Pepperoni was created by a brilliant wizard during a night filled with passion, betrayal, love-scorned, and an exceptionally long Quidditch World Cup match. This wizard was betrayed by his wife, who enchanted a Muggle into their tent one night and-"

"Oh, blame the woman why don't you!" Hermione said. Voldemort raised his wand and conjured a cork into Hermione's mouth.

"-And the wizard caught them in the middle of a naked session of 'tea and biscuits'-"

"Ha! I'm familiar with that one," Seamus laughed.

"Stop interrupting me! You children nowadays are so inconsiderate!"

"Shit," said Harry. "I thought this was the Tree of Summing Things Up or something?"

"Very well, Harry Potter. The bitch cheats on the brilliant wizard, in a fit of passionate rage the wizard conjures the Pepperoni of Doom, but he over does it and kills everyone not in the stadium watching the match. So, naturally, being brilliant but not as omnipotent as myself, he loses control of the Pepperoni. The Pepperoni begins to replicate itself and starts to systematically wipe out Wizards and Muggles alike. In a desperate attempt to stop the Pepperoni, the International Confederation of Wizards is created."

"Kind of like in 'Terminator'? Sorry."

"The Pepperoni of Doom vanishes before it can be confronted by the ICW. There has been no mention of the Pepperoni since then. Until now..."

"Wow! So you brought the Pepperoni of Doom back?" asked Seamus.

Voldemort only smiled.

"Wow. What an asshole," Harry said, rolling his eyes at Voldemort.

"I'll say," said Ginny, eyeing Harry over the barrel.

"But that's not at all how it happened," said Hermione, finally able to spit out her cork.

Everyone turned their attention to Hermione, waiting expectantly. Even Dumbledore, chained beside Hermione, who had been asleep and dreaming of soft, warm socks had stirred awake at this proclamation by the Smartest Witch Who Ever Lived.

"It's not?" Voldemort demanded menacingly.

"No," came a voice from Seamus' lap. The Kebab of Storge began to glow a bright orange as it rose into the air. "It happened like this..."

The Kebab summoned an old-fashioned movie projector into the centre of the room, pointed at a wall on the far side of the room. Moments later, a screen appeared, showing what was being displayed by the projector in much more clarity.

"The lights, if you will, please," asked the Kebab nicely.

Everyone looked around at each other, waiting for someone else to do as the Kebab asked.

Voldemort, the only person in the room with a wand, shrugged. "Oh, very well then." A quick flick of his wand, and the tacky strip lamps that lit up the room were extinguished, along with the lava lamp and the Mickey Mouse nightlight.

"Thank you," said the Kebab. "Now we can begin the tale..."

"Wait!" interrupted Harry. "Can I please get off this barrel and on to something a little more comfortable first?"

"Oh, I suppose so," said Kebab, grudgingly, before summoning enough cheap plastic chairs for everyone to sit on. It also unlocked the shackles confining everyone; Dumbledore, Colin, Dennis, and Hermione, who were chained up, savoured the freedom from their chains before taking their seats. Once everyone had sat down, the Kebab spoke once again. "Now, can I please start the story?"

"I want some popcorn first!" interjected Colin.

"And me!" seconded Dennis.

"And I want a chocolate fudge sundae!" demanded Harry. "I can't watch a movie without one."

"Grrrr..." moaned the Kebab, as it created the snacks for the hungry Gryffindors. "Any other one of you fucking bastards want something before we can finally bloody well start?"

"Wow, the Kebab's getting ruder by the second," Ginny whispered into Voldemort's ear.

"Err...," said Seamus, gesturing over towards the barrel of Firewhiskey. "I wouldn't mind a bit of that barrel over there. I'm so desperate for some of that sweet nectar."

"NO YOU FUCKING WELL CAN'T HAVE SOME OF THAT FIREWHISKEY!" shouted the Kebab. "NOW WILL YOU ALL PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP SO I CAN START THE DAMN STORY!"

"That's okay," said Seamus. "I'll get it myself." He got up from his chair and retrieved a hipflask from his belt, then filled it up from the barrel.

"Right," said the Kebab, calming down a little. "Anyone else got a problem? Anyone need to go to the toilet first?"

"No," was the resounding sound from everyone in the room.

"Thank you," said the Kebab. "Now, let us begin."

It shot a beam of energy at the projector and it started up. The screen flickered for a moment, before displaying the sign: 'This preview is only suitable for persons of fifteen years and above'.

"Not bloody previews!" moaned Hermione.

"Damn," said Dennis, "I'm underage!"

"Just piss off then!" shouted the Kebab.

Dennis left crying.

The screen showed two people, a man about eighteen years old, standing outside Hogwarts. The deep voice of a man spoke.

"In a time, not too long ago, there lived a wizard. James Potter was an extraordinary young man: Head boy at Hogwarts, captain of the Quidditch team, and the most courageous Gryffindor the school had ever seen."

The screen flashed, showing James with a red-haired girl the same age. The man spoke again.

"James met Lily, and they fell in love." Scene cut to a church where the two were getting married. "And then they had a son, Harry, who was destined for greatness."

"This sounds like a really crap story," said Hermione.

"The Potters lived a peaceful life, until one day, something happened to turn their life around FOREVER!"

The scene changed to show James battling with Voldemort.

"Starring Samuel L. Jackson as James Potter, Jennifer Anniston as Lily, Jonathon Frakes as Sirius Black, and Rowan Atkinson as Voldemort. Directed by an acclaimed director, who previously directed 'Dude, where's my car 2' and also directed 'Sister Act 3: The bitch is back', comes a tale of romance, action, and revenge."

"Oh my god!" said Ginny. "I have to see this movie!"

"THE POTTER FAMILY. Rated R."

"Crap title though," said Ginny.

After another five, yes five, previews, plus a dozen or so commercials, and the Orange ad telling you to turn your mobile off, the movie finally started.

"THANK FUCK FOR THAT!" shouted Voldemort.

"Wow!" said Creevy as the end credits rolled, "was that by David Lynch?"

"I'm afraid none of this may ever make any sense to any of us," said Dumbledore giving the slightest of winks to Miss Granger, who already had her hand in the air going 'Me! Me! Me!'. "Suffice it to say that the Pepperoni of Doom alters the mental conditions of everyone, so that nothing seems coherent. Logic dissolves and the libido becomes the only, all encompassing drive; to the point where its victims eventually lose all sense and cognitive functions - can't speak or think, except in pursuit of physical gratification."

All eyes shifted to Ginny.

"Yes!" said Voldemort, "and I will harness that power to enslave the world - not even Dumbledore will be able to resist, and everyone will do as I bid! Maim, destroy, nibble, for I will wield the Pepperoni like a rod of power!"

"So let me tell you a story..." began Dumbledore.

"NO!" said Voldemort, interrupting with a wild-eyed fear.

"Tom, my dear chap, when will you learn that there are worse things in life than trite, moralistic, cheesy mush? A bit of gushing romanticism is good for your soul. You see, there were these two brothers, twins, called Love and Hate, and they were in a boat."

"NOOO!" screamed the Dark Lord, snatching a wide pepperoni and waving toward Dumbledore, who faltered, and seemed to drool a bit before snapping to his senses.

"And one... each one... each one had an oar."

His voice grew more sure, but he seemed to be rushing his narrative.

"And Hate, Hate despised his brother, but couldn't, couldn't kill him, because then he, being but one oarsman, would be stranded in the ocean, rowing in circles, lost!"

Voldemort was throwing up.

"So you see, Love is always right, because he forgives his brother and wants them both to survive. Love is always right!"

Harry felt the giant snake inside him feel decidedly nauseous. He realised why Dumbledore was the only man he ever feared: Anyone who could deliver a fable that bad was capable of anything.

While Voldemort was retching on the floor, Dumbledore broke free.

"HAHAHA, Tom," he said, looking slightly crazed, "HAHAHAHAHA!"

And with that he dashed off, whisking Minerva McGonagall into a side chamber and laughing flirtatiously.

"Heheheheh!" laughed the Dark Lord through his brow, wiping away the vomit. "Nobody can stop me now!"

Ginny neared Harry's prostrate form with a large pepperoni.

"OK... Who's the smart arse who chained us up again?"

"That would be me!" came Neville's voice from behind Voldemort.

"Dammit Neville... When are you going to get a new wand? That's more Spellotape than wood, you half-wit!" Harry griped.

"Well excuse me for trying to save your sorry arse, 'The Boy Who Gets Friendly With Deli Meat'!" Neville retorted. "It just so happens, I've brought some back-up with me!"

"Who? Lupin... the Order... WHO?"

Luna Lovegood appeared from behind a curtain, her wand stuck behind her ear.

"Hello!" she said dreamily.

"Oh fuck!" sighed Harry.

Everyone groaned.

"That's it... Bring it on Ginny, do your worst!"

"Does wittle Hawy want to play 'Hide the Sausage' then?" replied Ginny, in her best Bellatrix impression.

"No, he doesn't!" declared Neville, tearing off his robes to reveal a 'Superman suit', with a huge red 'N' on its chest. "Luna, if you please..."

"What?"

"The spell."

"Oh... right, sorry."

She pulled her wand from behind her ear and cleared her throat.

"Incarserous!"

Rope flew from the end of her wand straight towards Ginny. Neville looked on with pride.

"Now... Welease Wonald!" he said, turning to Voldemort.

"What?"

"I said, Welease Wonald!"

"But we don't have a Wonald," said Voldemort, confused.

"Erm, Neville, shouldn't I get the bad wizard now?" interjected Luna.

"Well then, welease Bwodewick! " said Neville, not realising that Bode had been murdered in 'Order of the Phoenix'.

"ENOUGH!" shrieked Voldemort, before whispering in Parseltongue to his feather boa, which instantly became a huge python called Cleese.

"What did he say?" Hermione asked Harry.

"He said, 'fetsch the Death Eatersssch, Malfoy and Nott'."

They presently came in, masked in their uniforms.

"Which one of you," said the Dark Lord, "is Nott?"

"I'm Nott," answered the first.

"And nor am I... "

"Wait a second," said Voldemort, pointing at Nott, "you're saying you're Nott."

"That's right," said Nott, "I'm Nott."

"And you," said Voldemort, pointing at Malfoy, "you're saying you're not Nott either."

"No," said Malfoy, "I'm not."

"Then who fuck is Nott?!" shouted Voldemort in confusion.

"I've told you," repeated Nott, "I am Nott."

"You must be Nott then?" he asked Malfoy.

"No, I'm not," he replied.

Hermione whispered into Harry's ear, "This could go on for quite some time."

Harry nodded in agreement.

They were right. Ten minutes later, it was still unclear who was Nott, and was not Nott.

"I AM NOT!" shouted Malfoy.

"SO AM I!" bellowed Nott.

"So, you're both Nott then?" asked Voldemort.

"How many times do I have to repeat the same thing!" exclaimed Malfoy. "I AM NOT!"

"I AM NOTT!" said Nott.

Thirty tedious minutes later, the confusion was still going on. Harry, pissed off at the stupid argument, decided to clear the whole matter up.

"Look," he said pointing at Nott, "he's Nott, but the other one is not."

Harry just realised he had confounded the situation even more.

"Would it help," said Lucius, "if I just said that my name was Malfoy?"

"Then you're not Nott, then?" asked Voldemort.

"No, I'm not. I'm Malfoy."

"Huh?" asked Hermione. "You're Nott and Malfoy?"

"No," said Malfoy. "I AM MALFOY! Lucius Malfoy, father of Draco Malfoy, ex-lover of the Dark Lord!"

"Indeed," said Voldemort, "the only person that knew of our affair was Malfoy himself. But, to be sure you really are Malfoy, there is a simple test."

Voldemort went closer to Malfoy, ripped off his mask and stuck his tongue down his throat. After five minutes of tonsil hockey, Voldemort was certain. "Yes. This is indeed Malfoy. So you must be Nott then?"

"I'm Nott," confirmed Nott.

"You must be Nott," said Voldemort. "This one is Malfoy, so you must be Nott."

"No, that's right, I'm not Malfoy. I'm Nott."

"Yes we know for a fact that you're not Malfoy," said Voldemort. "You have to be Nott."

"That's right I'm Nott. My name is Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott, Nott!"

"So you're Nott then?" asked Voldemort.

As this conversation about who was Nott and wasn't Nott continued, no one was aware that Dumbledore and McGonagall had escaped.