Harry Potter and the Pepperoni of Doom!

Draco couldn't believe his luck - he had expected he would be able to infiltrate the Hufflepuff group with ease, but he hadn't thought it was going to be that easy. For the moment, he dismissed any thought of finding out why the Hufflepuffs had come to the Ministry of Magic and turned his attention to his primary goal. He surveyed each of the Hufflepuffs in turn, trying to decide which one would be the best, and most willing, to be recorded having sex with him.

There wasn't a chance in hell he was going to do it with Ernie as, aside from being fairly average looking and therefore well below Draco's impossibly high standards, he was covered in something that looked suspiciously like vomit.

Justin was much better looking that Ernie, and would probably be willing enough since he was pretty drunk at that moment, but he reminded Draco too much of a young stable hand that had broken his heart.

Hannah wouldn't be a completely terrible choice, Draco decided, but she just didn't do anything for him. He put her on the standby list, in case of emergency.

Susan Bones was probably the best looking one in the group. The recent years had been kind to her; gone were the days when she was just an average girl - now she was an almost fully formed woman, with all the in and out bits that Draco liked. She seemed to be up for it too, and he wouldn't need to apply much Malfoy charm for it to be a sure thing.

Draco approached her and used the chat up line that had never failed him before. "How you doin'?"

"I'm doing fine, you gorgeous, sexy beast," purred Susan sexily.

"How about we ditch these losers and go and have a little fun?" suggested Draco in the most alluring voice he could put on.

"That's the best thing I've heard all day," she replied.

"Good," said Draco. "But I have one question - how the hell do you work these damned phones?"

* * *

The group of Gryffindors were walking towards the castle, having just come from Hagrid's hut.

"Hang on a minute," thought Ron, "did we just miss something out?"

Hermione thought long and hard. "Yeah you're right. Last thing I can remember, half of us were unconscious on the floor of Hagrid's hut and you had defeated Harry's Fartronus with an unsavoury blast of your own. So how the hell did we get here with all of us back to normal?"

"Must be the director cutting scenes again," suggested Harry. "He's been doing it throughout the story, causing it to jump around at random and resulting in continuity errors."

"Like your scar, Harry," pointed out Seamus. "Shouldn't it be on the other side of your forehead?"

At that moment a couple of girls from Ravenclaw approached them. One of them was Parvati's sister, Padma, and the other was Cho Chang. The sight of Cho, Harry's first true love (apart from himself), made Harry's loins stir a little.

"Hey, Harry," smiled Cho sweetly, "how are things?"

"Fine," said Harry smiling back at her. "Can we help you with something?"

"We two hot, sexy girls are really bored and need a nice young stud or two to entertain us," said Cho. "Might you know of any such people?"

Hermione, Parvati and Lavender snorted and turned away.

"I guess maybe I could help," offered Harry.

"And me!" eagerly shouted Ron.

"Me too!" readily offered Dean.

"Bring it on, baby!" shouted Seamus.

Neville was too shy to speak up.

Cho and Padma smiled at each other. "Well, Cho, I make that two each."

"Excellent," said Cho. "Shall we make a move then?"

Cho and Padma wandered off towards the castle, eagerly followed by Harry, Ron, Dean and Seamus. Neville stayed behind with Hermione, Parvati and Lavender.

"Fine!" shouted Lavender at them as they left. "You go and enjoy yourself. We're going to stay here and have a little fun of our own with Neville!"

Neville looked momentarily stunned before a massive smile formed upon his face.

* * *

The long distance hawk owl swept majestically onto the oak wood table, no sign of distress from the vast distance it had just flown. It deposited its letter on the table, along with another small 'deposit', and swooped down upon a huge Bavarian rat, which scurried in the darkness of the corner.

"It is from Herm-ow-ninny!" beamed Krum. "She has accepted my proposal and now I can get my UK visa!!! Yippee! No need to deal with the Russian magical mafia!"

The hawk owl turned its head sharply, its wide eyes shining in the darkness.

Viktor opened the letter...

'Comrade Krum,

Please find enclosed the preliminary unction for use of 'preparation P'. By reading this you are agreeing to our conditions. As you are aware, the cream for the piles we have put together is not without price. However, we have managed to secure the blood of a half-giant and are finished with the mixture. However, before we can give you this incriminating concoction, you need to prove you are worthy of our trust and secrets. Enclosed is a picture of the target, which must be eliminated by midnight of the summer solstice. Your flight is ready, be on it.

Kind regards,

Comrade Checkov.'

Viktor's hands shook violently. But he had no choice. He would have to go through with it if he ever wanted to play again, ever to share his love and happiness with Hermione, and ever to cure his piles.

"Arrrgh" he said, as his seat chafed. It took minutes before he could finally re-focus.

"I wonder whom..."

He dropped the picture as he drew it out of the envelope. There, smiling and playfully caressing a large wand with a sugar quill, beamed Hermione.

* * *

Dolohov could only watch as events unfolded. He had just been about to Avada Kedavra the group of Hufflepuffs when Draco entered his line of fire, and now they were almost in the Ministry. What did it mean? Had Luscious Lucius his own plans to usurp the Dark Lord, or was he sucking up again. Either way, Lucius wouldn't be happy if his son snuffed it with a group of Hufflepuffs. The shame would rip him apart. But then Dolohov had never liked Lucius...

He phoned Lenny Henry, the decapitated head-driver of the Knight bus. He had no idea what his plan was, but it would certainly involve a tragically fatal crash...

* * *

"Back away, nasty gits!" Draco commanded, surveying the lazy-eyed Hufflepuffs. "As Ms. Bones and I have family in the Ministry, we shall be first in placing our call."

"Oy! We can all fit in that booth, you know!" Ernie pointed an accusing finger at Draco. The rest of the Hufflepuffs nodded their agreement. "And anyhow, I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows Kevin Bacon who knows someone in the Ministry, too! So we're coming too!"

"Listen... McAllister, isn't it? I am certain we all can cram ourselves into this... contraption, but you must ask yourselves if I, a Malfoy, want to be having you people press your squishy and not at all attractive bodies against mine."

Ernie and the rest of the Hufflepuffs considered for a moment, or at least long enough for Draco to laugh hysterically for a few minutes, compose himself, shake his head in disbelief and lead Susan Bones into the phone booth to place their call to enter the Ministry of Magic.

"Erm... I know the code, if you will, but how do you work these things?" asked Draco who began to sniff the slot to collect one's change.

"I know how to use it!" beamed Susan. She picked up the receiver and placed it to her ear, using her shoulder to hold it, while she fumbled in her robes for coins.

"No, no. I just enter in the number with these things," said Draco as he entered in 5-3-8-8-7-4-6.

"That's seems a bit lengthy," Susan said curiously, as she let the phone slip from her ear. Draco was much too quick for her to catch all of the numbers. "My gran brought me here not long ago, and she entered only five numbers."

"Well, my father has told me on several occasions that there are quite a number of codes that can take you to certain places within the Ministry. I only know the one, however." They began their descent into the Ministry of Magic. "There, you see? On our way to a much more private place so we can... discuss the goings-on in our lives. Granted, I most likely will be doing most of the talking. But you shouldn't let that discourage you. I am, after all, a Malfoy."

They descended rapidly. Susan had thought that she would have heard the different departments named aloud as they progressed, but the ride was eerily quiet. She took off her robes and folded them over one arm as the temperature began to rise uncomfortably. She sneaked a glance at Draco, who was humming tunelessly to himself and rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

It was when she began to perspire that she chanced a question. "Draco?"

"Yes, my love?"

"What number did you enter in, exactly?"

"Oh, I can't tell you. Terribly sorry."

Susan was getting more nervous. She checked her watch and discovered they had been descending for nearly nine minutes. "Maybe you could have tried a different code?"

"Right," Draco chuckled. "And what code could I have come up with that would let us in? 'M-A-G-I-C'? Even the Ministry is not stupid enough to select something that obvious. Now relax, darling. I am going to take you somewhere very special and tickle bones you never knew you had."

Though curiosity began to take its hold of Susan Bones at that moment, she could not help feeling a sense of impending doom and wondered if she would ever see Ernie and the rest of her fellow Hufflepuffs again.

She was about to put an end to this entire sordid affair by telling Draco that she had started her time of the month. That terrible but handy excuse could buy her days. But she was silenced when the descent stopped abruptly and the doors opened. A bright red light filled the tiny space they occupied, and as her sight began to adjust, Susan stared agape at the room that lay before her.

"This belongs to my father," Draco breathed.

Susan shook her head in disbelief. The room was larger than her home. And the things she saw in the room shook her to her very foundations. Lucius was insane. Draco had some serious problems, and she knew she was very much in trouble. She smiled wickedly. Hannah would be so jealous.

* * *

Dolohov spied his chance. He raised his wand toward the remaining Hufflepuffs.
Then he saw her: the raven-haired beauty heading towards the Hufflepuffs. He froze in awe.

"Let us in? That's not very helpful," said Justin.

"Yeah, might as well suggest something like 'magic'."

"Besides, I can't spell it..."

Before another second, an impatiently sick Ernie thumped the phone booth dial. 786743. Whoosh!

"Bugger!" said Netty, arriving too late. "Where could those morons have gone?"

* * *

"Master Malfoy had returned! Master Malfoy has returned!" squeaked a house elf, as it greeted Draco and Susan from the phone box.

"Yes, I have returned," said Draco before viciously and pointlessly beating the crap out of the house elf. "Now go and get us a bottle of the finest Ogden's from my father's drink cabinet!"

"Yes, Master." The house elf humbly obeyed, nursing its bruised and battered body on the way.

"Well, Susan," said Draco smugly, "welcome to my father's private office."

Susan looked around in awe. The place was simply amazing, and yet horrifying at the same time. It reminded her a little of the Hogwarts library, with its high ceiling and with a second gallery floor accessible from a series of winding staircases. However, unlike the library, it was not filled with shelves upon shelves of books. Instead the walls were covered with various sharp implements of death - swords, axes, spears, maces, and something that Susan couldn't put a name to - a strange multi-pronged device with spiral points that looked designed to inflict maximum pain.

The rest of the room was filled with various torture machines, including a stretching rack and an iron maiden ("Excellent!"). There were several cages in the room, one of which contained the decomposed skeleton of a human. In the centre of the room was a large pit which, as Susan got closer to it, she realised was filled with lava; the heat emanating from it was incredible.

A large, magnificent-looking wooden desk stood near to where they had just come in, and next to that was a comfy couch.

"Shall we make ourselves comfortable?" suggested Draco as he gestured towards the couch.

"Of course, sexy," agreed Susan as she followed Draco to the couch.

"Do you like the place?" asked Draco, nestling in to the soft couch. "My father finds it to be most comforting."

"Your father was captured wasn't he?" asked Susan uneasily, fearing Draco's reaction. "Isn't he in Azkaban at the moment?"

"Yes," said Draco disappointedly. "An unfortunate turn of events, but he shall be free soon. I already have a plan for his liberation."

The beaten house elf returned moments later with a tray containing a bottle of Ogden's and a couple of crystal tumblers, and placed it on a nearby coffee table. The tray wobbled slightly, almost causing the bottle to smash on the floor.

"You idiot!" shouted Draco standing up in rage. "Do you realise how much that bottle is worth? If you had smashed that..."

The house elf immediately got on its knees and started to frantically kiss Draco's feet. "I am sorry, sir," squeaked the house elf.

Draco stepped back a few metres and took a run at the house elf, kicking it like a field goal into the pit of lava.

"You didn't have to do that," said Susan.

"I did," said Draco. "They don't learn otherwise."

Draco sat back down and poured a generous share of the Ogden's into each of the tumblers. He gave one to Susan before helping himself and leaning back onto the couch.

"Now," said Draco sweetly, "shall we get down to it?"

Susan glared at Draco.

"I beg your pardon?" she asked looking scandalized.

"Let's get down to it," Draco repeated.

"You are a nasty little imp..." Susan said.

At that moment, Draco farted, but the couch material muffled it.

"... and unable to control those bodily functions," Susan finished looking even more grossed out.

Draco blushed. "Those pepperonis work havoc on my stomach."

"Just make sure you take of it before it sneaks up on you and decides to make a grand entrance," Susan warned.

"Meaning?" Draco asked looking confused.

"That you don't take a dump in your pants!" Susan said exasperatedly.

"Oh yeah," Draco said. He leaned forward. "If I did, would you like a little pet rock?"

"GROSS!" Susan screamed as she tore out of the library.

Draco just sat there staring after Susan with a look of confusion on his face.

"What's her problem? I only offered her a pet..."

Susan bumped into Harry in the corridor. He saw her expression.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"That Draco is the most grossest and disgustingest person I know," she growled.

Harry grinned. "I know. We all think of his face that way."

Susan had to grin too. "He asked me to get down to it. Knowing Draco, we all know what that means."

Harry leaned forward.

"How about we get him back?"

Susan's eyes lit up.

"How?"

"Let's just say Draco won't be thinking along those lines anymore..."

Netty just arrived in time to see that Susan's drink had been spiked with some kind of hallucinogenic: "Sorry Hermione," she seemed to be saying...

She saw an odd-looking table in the centre, a large velvet stone altar. At the sides, it had hundreds of ribbon-like tentacles, which reached out and enveloped Susan as Draco led her to the altar.

* * *

About half an hour or so before: -

Netty, Luna, and Michael Corner continued to stand outside the empty phone box that the Hufflepuffs had just used.

"Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger," continued Netty for about five minutes, stopping only briefly to flirt seductively with a couple of passing men.

"Does any one know how to get into the Ministry?" asked Michael Corner. "I've never been before."

"What we need," said Luna resolutely, "is a couple of Thestrals."

"Will you shut up about those stupid Thestrals!" argued Netty. "No matter what the situation, you always come up with bloody Thestrals!"

"Maybe we should just jab a few numbers at random and see what we get?" suggested Michael.

"How about we try the numbers '8 4 3 7 8 7 2 5 7'?" recommended Luna.

Netty thought that those numbers were just as good as any so the three of them jammed themselves into the phone box. As she entered the numbers Luna had said, Netty realised something.

"You've bloody done it again! Those numbers spell out 'Thestrals'! Why the hell did I invite you on this trip anyway? I'd have better luck on my own."

Netty tried to quickly cancel the call by placing the handset back on the hook, but it was too late - the phone box started to descend downwards.

"I wonder where we'll end up?" asked Michael curiously.

"God knows," said a pissed-off Netty, "but knowing this was one of Luna's plans I'm betting it'll be a Thestral zoo or something."

"What exactly have you got against Thestrals?" asked Luna.

"Do you really have to ask?" sneered Netty.

The phone box continued downwards, changing direction and going horizontal occasionally. After what must have been about twenty minutes, the box finally stopped and the doors opened.

They found themselves in some sort of house, pretty normal in its décor, but the roof was substantially lower than they were used to. Even Luna, the shortest of the group at 5'2", found it difficult to stand straight, and Michael, who was nearing 6'0", was having even more problems.

"Where the hell are we?" asked Netty rhetorically.

Crossing over to nearest window, Netty peered out and saw what appeared to be some kind of village. There were people living in it too, but they were much shorter than normal people, like kids or possibly dwarves.

There was a knock at the front door, and the three Ravenclaws curiously had a look. A small man, who looked remarkably like the actor Elijah Wood, opened the door and let a considerably taller man come in. He was a normal-sized man with a long, white beard and wore a long, grey robe.

"Is that Professor Dumbledore?" whispered Luna.

"The ring," demanded the tall man. "Is it secret? Is it safe?"

"Yes," said the shorter man. "I have it right here on my mantelpiece."

The Ravenclaws inquisitively followed the two men into the sitting room and watched and heard many strange things. There seemed to be some sort of evil magic ring, and they heard words 'Rivendell', 'Sauron', and 'Isildur', none of which meant anything to them.

"Very well," said the smaller man. "I shall take it to Rivendell."

"I have some business down south I must attend to first," said the taller man. "But I shall meet you in the Prancing Pony... but wait! Someone is listening to our conversation!"

"Shit!" thought Netty as the three of them jammed into the phone box and frantically dialled in a few numbers.

They managed to leave the room - just before the tall wizard man cast a spell at them.

The box continued onwards for another five minutes, changing direction every now and them. The doors opened once more and the Ravenclaws found themselves in what appeared to be some sort of space ship. They looked out of the nearest window, and it did indeed appear they were in space, orbiting some desert planet.

"Wow!" said Michael. "I've always wanted to go into space!"

There was a series of large bangs and crashes. They poked their heads out through one of the automatic doors and saw two figures ambling down the corridor. Both were made of metal and seemed to be robots of some kind - one was gold in the shape of a person; the other a trash can on wheels.

After a very large bang that shook the whole ship, the gold robot said something in a very posh British accent.

"Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor - we'll be destroyed for sure! This is madness..."

The trash can robot didn't say anything, but let out a series of beeps and whistles instead.

"I don't know about you guys," said Netty. "But I'm getting out of here."

* * *

"COLIN!!" shouted Dumbledore. "Wake up, you twit! You're putting me off Minerva's performance!"

Colin Creevey was hanging from his chains, his head lolled to one side. "I've got a very bad feeling about this," Colin muttered.

"No shit, Sherlock," Dumbledore replied sarcastically, "WAKE UP!!"

Colin awoke with a start. "Professor, I have just had the weirdest dream..."

"I know Colin, you were in the Ministry of Magic one minute, and the next outer space? All I can surmise from that is... You ate too much Pepperoni."

Voldemort interrupted the idle conversation by yelling, "He shoots, and he scores!"

Ginny raised her eyebrows, clearly impressed by her master's performance. Sated and satisfied, Voldemort told Minerva to stop dancing. Relieved, Minerva flopped onto the floor, spread-eagled. Dumbledore couldn't contain himself any longer.

"Lemme at her!" he yelled desperately yanking at his chains. "Daddy wants his rampant rabbit."

From behind a cloud of cigarette smoke, Voldemort sneered. "Enough fun and games, time to get down to business... Ginny - fetch the stick of torture."

Ginny got up and muttered something in Voldemort's ear.

"Yes you carrot-topped twit, I mean the pink feather duster!" he replied through gritted teeth.

Ginny shuffled off towards a cupboard on the other side of the room.

"And while you're there, get the comfy cushions," he added. "No one expects the comfy cushions."

He laughed manically.

Colin couldn't let this last statement slip by unnoticed.

"Erm, excuse me, Your Evilness sir... But I think you will find that the actual phrase is, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition-."

"I know!" Taking the comfy cushions from Ginny, Voldemort started poking Colin under his armpits. "Now where is the Kebab of Storge kept?"

Colin could do nothing but giggle. "Stoppit, I don't know nothing... hahahaha!"

* * *

Krum was mortified.

"Vot am I to do?" he wailed, clutching the picture to his chest. Shifting slightly in his seat he wailed again. "Damn you, you unction makers!"

Without further ado, he dropped his pants and administered the pile cream. Shuffling off, he formulated a plan.

* * *

The underground lair that Voldemort had called his home for the last few months had changed a lot since he first came here. The pleasure room with the hot tub had been relatively untouched, but the large room after that, which itself led to other rooms including a couple of holding cells, had changed quite a bit.

The room now resembled something that looked like a cross between a strip joint and a jazz club. The lights had been dimmed and several plastic plants had been placed here and there in order to create atmosphere. The grand piano was still there and was being played softly by a nameless Death Eater.

"So," smiled Voldemort wickedly, "shall we continue with the stick of torture, or will you tell me the location of the Kebab of Storge?"

"No stop!" pleaded Colin. "I can't take it anymore!"

"Then tell me where the Kebab is or the punishment will continue!"

"But I honestly don't know where it is! I'm just plain old Colin Creevey - I don't know anything!"

"Colin Creevey?" asked Voldemort. "I thought your name was Frank N. Furter?"

"It ... it is Frank N. Furter," said Colin nervously. "I... I just lied when I said it was Colin Creevey!"

Ginny whispered something into her master's ear.

"What? He really is Colin Creevey?" asked Voldemort. "Interesting. Is he the same Colin Creevey that has a close relationship with Harry?"

"The very same," said Ginny.

A large smile formed on Voldemort's face before turning into an evil belly laugh. "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Then I have an idea."

"What, my Master?" asked Ginny.

"Colin shall be set free," explained Voldemort. "He shall then find Potter and lure him back here."

"But how will you make him do it? The Imperious Curse?" asked Ginny.

"As a last resort perhaps, but I have a better idea. Go and find his brother, the one they call Dennis. He shall be used as a method of persuasion."

"With pleasure," said Ginny happily, before leaving the room to go on her mission.

* * *

As Draco attempted to get Susan onto the velvet altar, Netty stole up behind him and shoved him. As Susan was pulled to the side of the table, barely conscious, the tentacles grabbed his ankles and wrists and splayed him vulnerably onto the top. Netty looked around the vicious implements of pain and torture, before she saw the perfect thing.

"Now," she said cruelly, "who's been a naughty boy?"

"What? But. No..."

But it was too late. She ran the pepperoni under his nose.

"Do you know what I'm going to do with this?" she said.

"Please, no," said Draco, half terrified. The camera was still rolling.

She rubbed the tip of it over his bare back and began to strike him playfully with it...

* * *

You more Ron Ron Ron
You moron Ron.

Hermione was nearly in tears. She could have taken this merciless teasing from Draco, but Neville? He had never shown an ounce of wit in his life, and now, egged on by Lav and Pav, he was Oscar f*cking Wilde. But she would hold out...

"There was once a witch, Hermione,
Who at sixteen was feeling quite lonely
The boyfriends that she's got
Think Cho's much more hot
So she'll have to use this pepperoni. "

She could have taken the jibe, even the girly giggling, if Neville hadn't magically produced a large pepperoni on the final line. As the tears breached her eyelids, she ran. Parvati gripped Neville's pepperoni and stuck her tongue down Neville's throat. Lavender licked her lips and went for the pepperoni.

In Moaning Myrtle's toilet, Hermione's crying was interrupted by an electric hum.

Grrrvrvrvrvrvrrrvrvrvrvvr

GRRVRVRVRVRVRVRV

Hermione unlocked her cubicle. "Myrtle?"

The humming stopped.

"Blaise?!?"

"He-hello Hermione. What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here, you mean?"

"I- I'm shaving my legs, what does it look like? I've started growing these unsightly hairs."

"But, Blaise, you don't have to - you're a boy."

"A-a boy? How can you tell?"

Hermione pointed to the bulge in his robes, but he looked blank. She would clearly have to start at the beginning. But lecturing others is what she was good at. And this particular lecture, she thought looking at Blaise's bulge, might have a fun practical too.

* * *

When the lesson was over, they both had a cigarette, each alone with their thoughts. Hermione smiled to herself, but Blaise was confused. Boys all became very hairy, but it was girls who had monthly mood swings - why was he having both? It didn't make sense. And if it was just the last effects of puberty, why did it only really start after the incident in Lupin's office?

Blaise fell asleep, dreaming of the moon above him on an open ocean. It commanded his motion with the tide. A calm storm swept the sky, never hitting the seascape. As he lay on his back in the boat, he watched the clouds dancing; the lightening carved a gilded scar on the moon's visage. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever felt.

* * *

Meanwhile Harry, Ron, Seamus and Dean were showing off just how manly they were to Cho Chang and Padma Patil in an abandoned classroom.

"I can conjure up a corporeal Patronus!" boasted Harry. "And I've duelled with Voldemort himself!"

"I can lift a fifty kilo weight using just one hand," said Dean, flexing his muscles.

"That's nothing," said Seamus. "I can down a whole bottle of Firewhiskey in less than ten seconds. The big three litre bottles."

Ron's face screwed up as he tried to think of something cool and impressive that he could do, but it was hard work. He figured that the girls wouldn't impressed that he could knit a whole jumper in half an hour, so he came up with the next best thing:

"I can completely satisfy Hermione at night," said Ron.

"Wow! Really?" asked Cho. She had heard the rumours of Hermione's insatiable sex drive and did not think anyone other than Cedric Diggory could have managed it.

Cho, deeply impressed by him, went in closer to Ron and wrapped her arms round him in an embrace. "Do you think you could handle me?" she whispered sexily into his ear. "You haven't experienced women until you taste the delights of Cho Chang."

Ron was dumfounded. He would never have admitted it before, but he had always had the hots for Cho. All those times he'd seen her and Harry together in the past had been extremely testing for him. He wasn't going to pass this opportunity up, so he stuck his tongue down her throat.

Seeing Ron at it with Cho filled Harry with jealousy and he needed something to divert his attention away from their passion. Padma was the first thing that came to mind but, as he turned his head to face her, he saw that she was already getting down to it with Seamus and Dean.

"Bollocks!" shouted Harry. "Now what am I going to do?"

The door to the abandoned classroom opened and Colin entered.

"Colin?" exclaimed Harry. "What the hell happened to you? You've been missing for..."

Harry checked his watch but the time and date on it was meaningless, since he didn't know when he had seen Colin in the kitchen. Damn that pepperoni and its memory-losing properties.

"It's been about a week, give or take a day," said Colin.

"Where the hell have you been in a week?" asked Harry.

"Oh here and there," said Colin nervously. "A bit of this, and a bit of that..."

Colin's mind wandered as he glanced over at the goings on in the room. Cho was undoing Ron's trousers as he tried to undo the catch on her bra. Seamus, Dean, and Padma were doing things that were unmentionable, even in an NC-17 fic. Harry wished that he hadn't given his videophone to Draco.

It took some time for Harry to get Colin's attention back to the here and now, and in the end he had to slap him around the face.

"Ow!" complained Colin. "That was unnecessary!"

"You were sat there drooling for about three minutes," said Harry. "It was necessary."

"Well, thanks, I guess," said Colin. "Anyway, do you want to go and have some fun? I know this little place in the forest that is simply perfect for this little game I have in mind."

Harry took one final look at his friends, before looking back at Colin and smiling sweetly. Despite what he had said in the past, he could never say no to Colin, and today was no exception.

"Sure," said Harry. "Lead the way."

* * *

The Hufflepuffs arrived in the Ministry foyer, where the statues of wizarding folk were idly playing with each other. They played dead when they heard Ernie.

"Oo's got a bucket?"

* * *

From the window, Blaise looked out. He saw Colin leading Harry into the woods, and instinctively knew he had to go. Frantic, he grabbed his Firebolt and the Invisibility Bonnet he had been hiding under since the first year and threw himself from the window.

He fell forty feet toward the ground, and his life flashed before his eyes as he felt the Firebolt start up. But it was too late. He felt his leg shatter. As the broomstick hurtled over the ground, he knew he had no time to stop. He didn't know how, but he knew Harry was in danger. He couldn't let Colin... he at least had to let Harry know how he felt.

Riding sidesaddle as usual, he had almost caught up with them as they entered the Forbidden Forest, he watched as they excitedly bumped into ... Hagrid!

"Harry!"

"Hagrid, but you're... dead."

"Wotcher, Harry!" said the Hagrid-a-gram.

"Tonks!"

"But, it can't be!" said Colin. "You're evil, and you're dead!"

"Ha!" said Tonks, "you must be thinking of that excellently written chapter 6/7 that ended up on the cutting room floor! Ha! Never happened, boy! The only way to see them is to visit Dissendium! Home through Google. Or wait for the DVD to come out..."

"But, why are you done up as Hagrid?"

"Well, I'm doing some security work - I'm a vital bodyguard for this little one."

When she whistled, a small mischievous house elf Harry recognised as Kloves emerged from a bush.

"BLOODY HELL! YOU ARE EVIL," said Harry, drawing his wand, but before he could act, a meteorite, undoubtedly the size of Mongolia before it entered the atmosphere, landed smash on Tonks' head. Kloves, who had managed to dramatically managed to dive clear, was promptly exterminated by a smaller fragment which must have broken off...

Blaise felt himself losing control...

* * *

Meanwhile back in the Gryffindor common room, Hermione was reading the Karma Sutra (Ultimate position edition). She was just about to call Ron, to help her try out the Bow and Arrow position, when Viktor banged on the window.

"Her-my-oninny, let me in!"

He was sitting jauntily on his broomstick, hovering outside Gryffindor tower.

"Viktor, what on earth are you doing here?" she cried, opening the window.

"I haff to haff a reason to come and see my beloved?" he asked, looking rather hurt. "Vhy haff you not been writing to me? I vas vorried?"

Hermione raised her eyebrows questioningly. "Viktor, you Bulgarian nitwit! I dumped you ages ago!"

"Oh did you? I thought you were haffing a joke viv me."

"No you numb nuts, I wasn't joking... What's that in your hand?" she asked pointing to a badly wrapped lump.

"It is a present for you, Belgian chocolate."

He held out the package to Hermione, who grabbed it quickly. She said a speedy goodbye and slammed the window shut. Taking the chocolate from its wrappings, she picked up her book, and began to stuff the dark chocolate into her mouth. Minutes later, she slid to the floor... The chocolate had been poisoned.

* * *

Ron was happy, so very happy, for lying naked next to him on his bed was Cho Chang. It had been Cho's suggestion that they move from the dingy classroom to his dormitory, and what an excellent suggestion it was, allowing for far greater pleasure. Seamus, Dean and Padma had disappeared somewhere else, probably the Ravenclaw common room.

Everything was okay until Ron realised that he didn't have any protection left. Getting up and rummaging around in his trouser pockets for spare change, Ron went over to the condom machine that had been conveniently installed in the dormitory for emergencies such as these.

"Have you got change," said Ron as he examined the pitiful amount in his hands, "for two knuts and an old chocolate frog wrapper?"

"Sorry, babe," said Cho, "but I got nothing."

"Never mind then, I got an idea."

Ron did what he always did when he needed money - he nicked it from Harry. Digging deep in Harry's trunk, Ron found a cache of Galleons, and took just enough so that it wouldn't arouse suspicion.

"You know what would make tonight even more special?" pondered Cho as she watched Ron work the machine. "A threesome."

Ron almost dropped his handful of Galleons onto the floor.

"Well," said Cho. "What do you say?"

Ron didn't have to think about it. "That sounds great. How about we go and find Harry?"

"That's not what I had in mind. I was thinking more of a two girls and a boy threesome."

"Alright then, how about Hermione? I think she's down in the common room."

Cho licked her lips. "Mmm...yum... Go and get her then, but don't be too long."

Ron didn't have a dressing gown of his own, so he pilfered Harry's instead. Wrapping it around himself, Ron went down to the common room.

He found Hermione lying unconscious on the floor by the window. Lying next to her was a half-eaten box of Belgian chocolates and a book entitled 'Death Around the World'. Picking up the book to look for clues, Ron found it was book-marked on a page entitled 'Bulgarian Assassination techniques'.

Ron read the page carefully: -

The most ancient and deadly killing method known to Bulgarian kind is that of the poisoned candies. The delectable chocolates and assorted confections are laced with a powerful toxin that causes near instant paralysis followed by death in a few short hours. This method is most commonly used against the female of the species, for as the saying goes 'the lady loves Milk Tray'.

* * *

Neville had the body of a Greek God.

Unfortunately, it was Duncan's, God of Doughnuts.

But he was irresistible, as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a twin pack.

"How thoughtful!" said Pav.

"They're the Weasley twins' latest development. After all, the natural progression from joke shops is to more adult stuff shops. Their new range of sheathes," he said reading from the label, " improve the size of your wand, its power, effectiveness and duration of your spells."

The girls' eyes lit up. Neville also had a curious gleam.

"Now this is a twin pack- who do we know that's twins..."

There were giggles all around.