Harry Potter and the Pepperoni of Doom!

Professor McGonagall, wearing a pink fuzzy bikini, was pole dancing on a simple wooden stage that had been erected in the bowels of the tree, deep in the Forbidden Forest. Normally she would be enjoying every second of this, but it wasn't quite so much fun being watched by a man pointing a wand straight at her. She tried to make the best of the situation, eager to prove she had not lost any of her skills from her first job - an exotic dancer in one of the seedy clubs in Soho.

"Shake it baby!" cheered Voldemort as he threw a couple of sickles on the stage. "Woo-hoo!"

Dumbledore and Colin Creevey were chained up by their wrists nearby, the two of them having no choice but to watch McGonagall's enticing performance.

Dumbledore always loved to see his beloved Kitty Mac dance, and this time was no exception, causing all ideas of escaping to vanish from his head.

"Do it the way Daddy likes it!" shouted Dumbledore.

Colin, on the other hand, did not find the deputy headmistress quite so alluring, and escape was high on his mind. The trouble was that he was rubbish when it came to magic; the only spells he could do properly were such things as getting rabbits from hats and producing flowers from nowhere. A fat lot of good those spells would be, especially considering he didn't have a wand on him.

McGonagall continued to dance erotically, causing Voldemort to tighten his grip on his wand.

There was a knock on the nearby door, and a small, bald, fat man entered gingerly.

"My Lord?" he asked gently, trying not to anger his master.

"What is it, Wormtail?" asked Voldemort irritably. "Can't you see I'm busy?"

"I'm sorry, my Lord, but we have a visitor."

Voldemort smiled. "Excellent. Show her in immediately."

Wormtail left the room and came back shortly afterwards with Ginny Weasley in tow.

"Ginny!" shouted Colin desperately. "You got to save us!"

Dumbledore didn't seem to notice Ginny or Wormtail as his eyes remained firmly fixed on Kitty Mac, who continued to dance.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha," laughed Voldemort. "You seriously expect her to save your worthless life?"

"What?" asked Colin, totally confused. "What do you mean?"

"He means," said Ginny, "that I serve Lord Voldemort."

Ginny rolled up the sleeve on her left arm to reveal a green tattoo of a skull with a snake protruding from its mouth.

"Then you're a...?" asked Colin.

"Yes, Colin," said Ginny, as she approached Colin and teased him with her little finger, "I am a Death Eater."

* * *

In Hagrid's hut, things were getting slurred.

"Ok, Harry, truth or dare?" Draco asked from his edge of the circle.

"Um, truth," Harry replied.

"Who in this room would you most like to shag?"

There was a long pause in which Harry went red. "Can I say dare instead?" he muttered weakly.

The room erupted in drunken protest.

"No, you have to say the troof, 'Arry," Ron hiccupped, looking heavy-lidded. Hermione was slouched on his shoulder, her mouth open and dribbling a nice brown liquid onto his bare chest, which was probably regurgitated moonshine.

"Um, ok then. Ah - Hermione."

"What?!"

She sat up, her boobs jangling about, before collapsing onto Ron again, missing the mark and ending up with her face between his naked crossed legs. They were naked, of course, as a result of daring dares they had dared to do.

"You lie," Draco accused Harry.

"Well, I did this morning!" he replied defensively.

There was a synchronised gasp from the gathered Gryffindors and Slytherins.

"You! You had sex?!" Seamus, Parvati, Lavender, Dean and about six other students cried together.

Harry sighed and rolled his eyes. "Yes, I had sex. The great Harry Potter finally got laid, and decided to try both options at that."

"What?! Who with?" Dean asked.

"Ron, of course! Pity I can't remember much though. I think it was something to do with the Pepperoni. You know, I sure do hope they find a cure for that, 'cos I'm pretty sure you should at least remember your first time."

"Ok, ok, ok. Enough of Harry already," Draco interrupted. "Do me," he grinned, looking Harry straight in the eye, making sure he didn't miss the real meaning.

"OK, Draco," Harry thought. "Truth or dare."

"Dare."

"Right. I dare you to go find the Hufflepuffs, wherever they have disappeared to, and strip them of their robes in any way you can, and convince them to make a video of you having sex with one of them. Here, you can borrow my videophone."

Draco looked scandalised. "You call that a dare!? Easy. You watch me."

And with that, he got up, snatched the phone out of Harry's outstretched hand and stalked out the door.

"Swiftly moving on, people..." Neville suggested.

"BLLEAAARRRRULF!" went Seamus all over Hagrid's bed, onto the floor, and into the fireplace.

"What'd he shay?" slushed Parvati.

"I think he said he's had too much to drink," offered Neville.

"No," Dean said, sliding away from the bed he and Seamus had been sitting on. "He said that he wants another swig of the moonshine to clear his throat so he can start the singing."

"You got all that from 'Blearulf'?" Hermione asked, sounding amazed.

"Well, I do know Seamus best and am fluent in 'Finnigan' once he or his family gets properly shit-faced. Ha! Why, one time, his father thought their cat was..."

"Shaddup!" Seamus retched into the fire once more. "We've finally got rid of Draco and now it is time to get down to businessh. I mean, 'business'. Look, we all know this pepperoni thing is not right. It's taking over the school - people can't remember what or who they did the night previous, and not that I am complaining or anything, but when was the last time we had a class?"

Everyone sat in stony silence, evidently not understanding this last question.

"There's something strange going on here," Seamus continued. "Something or someone sinister is behind the goings-on at Hogwarts. Those house elves seem a bit more skittish than usual, has anyone noticed? Does anyone even know which day of the week it is? I can't explain it, but we need to get to the bottom of all this, people! Christ! Not to mention someone's stolen all my Cheese Doodles! This is deadly serious. I've been thinking about this for a while and..."

"You mean before you started drinking?"

"Fuck you, Weasley!" Seamus spat. "I've been thinking about this for a while and I have the feeling that someone in this cabin is the key to all of this."

All eyes turned towards Harry and fixed themselves onto him as best they could.

Great. Here it comes, Harry thought to himself.

"Ha! There's three of him!" Lavender giggled.

"I think the one in the middle's the cutest!" Parvati squealed in delight.

"NO!" Seamus shouted above the laughter. "It's Hermione."

There was an audible gasp, quickly followed by heaving sounds.

"Sorry! Sorry everyone!" Neville blushed.

"I think you'd better explain yourself," Harry demanded, getting to his feet to face Seamus.

"Oh, I will. You just wait," replied Seamus.

"Well I'm waiting, ass," said Harry.

"Fine, bitch. 'Cause here it comes. Hope you can handle it."

"Oh, I can handle it and a whole lot more."

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Seamus closed the distance between Harry and himself and shot an accusing glance towards Hermione who looked very entertained by this entire, well-written, riveting scene. Seamus grabbed Harry and pulled him in close to whisper in his ear.

"Harry," he whispered. He paused as if searching for the right words.

"What is it, Seamus? What's going on? Who's behind all this?" Harry whispered back tentatively.

"BLEUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRUUGGGGHHHHHPPP!"

Seamus fell down at Harry's feet and clutched at the loose floorboards, seemingly to keep from flying off the face of the earth. Harry was incredulous.

"What?" Harry managed to splutter down at Seamus who was now grabbing onto Harry's ankles and moaning incoherently about wanting to 'get off this ride, please'. "Tell me that belch meant something!"

"He said he regrets to inform everyone that his moment of clarity has ended, and that someone should tell Dumbledore that the earth seems to be spinning off its axis," Dean stated matter-of-factly. "He also said that the singing will begin momentarily."

"Great. Way to solve that mystery, Scooby Doo," Ron said sarcastically, shaking his head.

"Fuck you, Weasley," Harry sighed.

"We'd better clear on out," Dean warned. "Once a Finnigan starts singing no one is allowed to leave the room."

They all looked at one another and bolted for the cabin's door. They fought over the rights to the handle, until Neville finally seized it and opened the Hagrid-sized door. They stopped dead when they spotted a large, dark shadow looming in the entrance.

"Oh shit! OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT! I know that look!" Neville panicked and ran past the group to hide under the bed.

"Who's there?" Harry leaned into the doorway trying to squint through his firewhiskied vision.

The large shadow crouched low and began to pant heavily. Everyone began to back away slowly, leaving Harry to his impending doom. Suddenly the shadow pounced through the entrance and bowled Harry over.

"ARRRGGGHHH! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME! Geroff me, Fang!"

But Fang was deaf to Harry's pleas as he continued to dry hump Harry's legs, his arms, and when he struggled about, his ears.

"We ought to do something," Hermione winced.

"Fuck that!" said Ron backing further away. "Hagrid's dead now, and I'm certain that Fang has got some serious issues he needs to work through, and..."

"RONALD WEASLEY!" Hermione began to scold.

"What, fuck you. I'm not getting in the middle of that shit, I tell you! Besides, he's the damned Boy-Who-Lived, I'm sure he'll be able to figure something out."

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Hermione took her wand out her robes, fumbling it about for a moment, and aimed it straight at the melee.

"Um..."

"WELL?" Harry demanded. Fang was oblivious to everyone, guided only by his instinct and the curious but enchanting scent coming from Harry.

"Oh, my gawd! Like I am so totally drunk, fer sure. I am so drawing a blank on spells!" Hermione squinted one eye and crinkled her nose in some serious thought.

"Look," said Harry calmly. "I know that we're all a bit... tipsy. But you're the smartest witch alive, Hermione. I have faith in you. We all do. There isn't a spell they've thought up that you can't do, remember?"

"Um...."

"GODDAMMIT, HERMIONE!!! HE'S TRYING TO PUT IT UP MY NOSE! NOW YOU POINT THAT FECKING WAND OF YOURS THIS WAY, AND YOU BLAST OUT THE FIRST SPELL THAT CREEPS INTO THAT SMASHED BRAIN OF YOURS!"

"Okay, okay! Man, you and that damned caps-lock key, I swear!"

"Whoa! Steady there, Hermione," Dean Thomas bravely stepped forward and helped Hermione aim her wand.

"Okay, Harry. Here goes. Um... Ah! I've got it!" Hermione cocked her head to one side, closed one eye, aimed straight for Fang and cast the first spell that sprang into mind.

"ENGORGIO!!!" Hermione thundered.

"Oh shit! Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!!!" came sobs from under the bed.

Hermione and Dean stared at the horrific sight that unfolded, and seemingly kept unfolding, before them.

"Well?" asked Dean.

"Erm... Oops?" Hermione offered.

* * *

Meanwhile, Ginny had sat herself down beside her Lord to watch the end of the performance. Lord Voldemort seemed amazed at the flexibility of the Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts. Ginny was not quite so easily amused. A grimace slowly built on her face as McGonagall twisted and bent, causing catcalls from behind and an increasingly large lump to form on the lap of her Lord.

"My orders?" she asked, trying not to look at his crotch, meaning, of course, that she was practically staring.

"Right now," His Evilness said, slightly foaming at the mouth, "you're to shut up and sit still, so that I may enjoy my revenge to the fullest extent! Bwahaha - hech. Bwah-atch. Damn. Evil laughter was so much easier at fifty."

"They've left the kitchen," Ginny said.

"Good."

"They're on their way to Hagrid's, possibly already there. What if they find the Kebab of Stor-"

"They won't. I sent it to London, where none but the pure of mind may find it. Now shut up and let me enjoy my show."

Voldemort leaned forward and continued to stare greedily at Professor McGonagall. Ginny checked over her shoulder, and, desperate for some fun, locked eyes with Creevey and slowly licked her lips. She smirked at his shiver, and turned back around.

"Ginevra," Voldemort said suddenly. "What do you think of the witch on the stage?"

Ginny shrugged.

"Do you know what would make your master very pleased with you?"

Ginny's eyes shot open. "Hey, I may be easy, but I'm not slea... Actually," she said, pausing, "I am. Alright, I'll do it. But only on one condition."

"Which is?"

"I get to play with Potter before you kill him."

* * *

"What?!" shouted Cho Chang at the top of her voice, as she nursed a rather nasty looking telescope-induced wound on Terry Boot's head. "They took our last remaining Pepperoni?!"

"Sorry, Cho," said Michael Corner, "but once that Irish one gets rowdy after a couple of drinks and Cheesy Doodles, then there's no chance of stopping him."

"So what the hell are we supposed to do now?" asked Padma. "The Gryffindors are doing stuff, the Slytherins are doing stuff, and even those bloody half-wits the Hufflepuffs get their own plot line. What are we doing at the moment? Nothing!"

"I got a little bit to do in the kitchens with Ginny," said Luna.

"Look, Luna, no one cares about what you do," argued Padma. "You were only put into the whole mix of things in the last book, unlike the rest of us who have been here years. You can't expect to just blend in seamlessly."

"Yeah, just shut up, Luna," ordered Cho. "No one gives a shit about you."

"But I can see Thestrals!"

"What bloody use is that, you bitch?" shouted Cho. "Just because you can see a few stupid, invisible horses, you think you've got an important part in the story."

"Look, guys," said a mysterious, sultry Ravenclaw girl who was sitting quietly in the corner. "I think I have an idea about how to get back into the Pepperoni Story."

"How?" said Padma curiously.

The Ravenclaw girl sat up and drifted towards the centre of the common room. "Alright," said Netty. "Here's what we do..."

* * *

Back in the greasy spoon of a kebab house, Ernie was chomping his way through his kebab. One piece of meat took him 5 minutes to get through.

"What's this meat?" he asked the wizard-cum-kebab man. "Its a bit... erm... chewy."

The wizard looked at him, wiped his snotty nose on some lettuce, and placed it back in with the other pieces of lettuce. Ernie, who had the stomach of an ox, promptly vomited over his kebab, therefore greatly improving the taste and look of the food.

"Goat meat," said the man.

Susan Bones had just come back into the kebab shop after poking her head into every other shop in the nearby vicinity, because her Dad was a well known 'shop-keeper' and thereby got right up everybody's nose.

"Goat meat?" she said. "I remember my Great Aunt Amelia talking about Professor Dumbledore's brother Aber-somethingorother. He liked goats very much. Mind you, she said that all started when he went to visit the M family in Arizona. She said that the things they used to do to cattle over there would make You-Know-Who's eyes turn from red to - erm - darker red."

"Sshhhhh, you foolish girl. Honestly, the only reason anyone took any notice of you in the films is because your Dad had your face in every single sodding scene. Now you come into Muggle London and risk the exposure of my meat!" hissed the kebab man. He looked in his shop to see if anyone else was around. Justin and Hannah had conjured up some fake IDs and were now getting completely ripped off in a London pub (tourists, don't you know!). "Yes, its me, Aberforth Dumbledore. I sometimes meet my brother in Muggle London when we go erm... visiting. He has it on very good authority that the Kebab of Storge is in this very street."

He looked at Ernie and handed him the lettuce leaves. "Clean up that vomit with these. I'll put them back behind the counter. Muggles get so pissed that they'll eat anything after closing. Until then, we have work to do."

After about half an hour of constant chewing, Ernie's jaw was beginning to severely ache, but he was determined to finish the rest of his kebab.

"Look, just because my dad was pretty much in charge of the whole operation, I didn't get any special treatment!" spouted Susan Bones in her continuing argument with Aberforth.

"Special treatment? In the book, you never had any part at all aside from a mention in the Sorting ceremony, so who in their right mind wouldn't just cut you from the script entirely? But oh no, apart from the important characters who had to be there, you were the only other one to be mentioned. And about that scene - whose idea was it to have Hermione Granger go first in an alphabetical list?"

"But aside from the Sorting ceremony, I didn't get any other special treatment."

"So how do you explain why you got put up in a five star hotel, while all the other actors, including the seasoned British professionals, got lumbered with a trailer?"

Susan Bones seemed to go very quiet after that, but the silence didn't last long as Justin and Hannah flopped in through the mouldy (and badly need of repair) door, completely pissed.

"You took your time!" said Susan very bossily. "You said you were only going to be a quarter of an hour!"

"Urgh..," said Justin, a little worse for wear. "Time flies when your having fun, but the landlord of the pub kicked us out for trying to jam a Galleon in the pool table."

"How much did you two have to drink?" asked Susan, her voice becoming more shrill and motherly.

Hannah stuck up her hand and tried to clumsily count on her fingers.

"One, I think, although I could be mistaken."

"One? One each?"

"No, one between the two of us," said Justin. "I think it was a half of shandy, and it may have had some lime cordial in it as well."

Ernie finished his kebab triumphantly, before collapsing on the floor in a fit of coughing and vomiting. Susan helped him to his feet.

"Boy, that kebab was well tasty!" shouted Ernie. "Is there a toilet around I can use, sir?"

Aberforth grunted and pointed at a disgustingly filthy plastic bucket in the corner of the shop that seemed to have some unidentifiable substance congealed around the rim.

"Err... no thanks," said Ernie trying to stifle another vomiting session.

"By the way guys," said Susan, talking to Justin and Hannah, "this is Aberforth. Professor Dumbledore's brother."

"Yes, and I think I know where the Kebab is being held now," he said.

"Where?" asked Justin curiously.

"There is a place of great magical significance, a mere stone's throw from this place, where I believe we will find it."

"Hang on," said Hannah. "You mean the Ministry of Magic?"

"Exactly."

"Yes!" shouted Susan. "Of course!"

"I thought your mum worked there, Susan. So how come you only just realised that now?"

"Well," said Susan rather sheepishly. "What can I say? I'm a Hufflepuff."

* * *

Voldemort's loins stirred as Ginny said this.

"Play with him? Why would you want to... oh no, child, I 'm the only one who can play with him."

There was playful malice in his voice.

"You see child," he said, reclining over the grand piano and seductively thrusting a badly-shaven leg through the split-length evening gown, while stroking his pussycat like a Bond villain. A flick of his wand began to tinkle the ivories, as he cleared his flat, toneless voice.

"I-I-I'M MAD, ABOUT A BOY.
AND I KNOW IT'S STUPID,
TO BE MAD, ABOUT A BOY,"

"I'M SO ASHAMED OF IT,
BUT MUST ADMIT
THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS I'VE HA-AD"
AAA-BOUT A BOOOOY"

Despite her manic gyrations, Professor McGonagall wasn't getting any attention. Though Dumbledore still had one eye firmly on her tassels, even his devotion was challenged by the little minx that was about to join her on stage.

"Minerva, what are you thinking?" she thought. "you're too old for this..."

* * *

"Crikey!" said Ronald. "Why did didn't you tell me Pi Mei taught you the five point-palm-exploding-bowel technique?"

"And Hagrid loved that dog, poor thing."

"Poor Harry, getting covered in shit like that. He's not gonna be... "

"EXPECTO FARTRONUM!" yelled Harry.

Immediately, a greenish golden mist appeared around him, apparently emanating from his arse and taking form behind him.

"Whoah!" whispered Dean Thomas. "A corporeal silent-but-violent."

The glowing Green Vapour Ninja would have looked really cool, standing behind the turd covered Radcliffe on a movie poster; but this was real life, and Neville was bricking it.

Suddenly, the Ninja evaporated, appearing behind Seamus. He couldn't understand why everyone was staring. It was his chance to sing... he opened his mouth to inhale a deep breath, as the ninja drew his hand across his face.

The crumpled wino's body at his feet, the Ninja surveyed them all.

"I didn't know your dad was a Ninja," muttered Ron.

"Well," said Hermione, "I guess we've found the power that the Dark Lord knows not..."

The Ninja launched his calculated and swift silent-but-violent attack...

* * *

Meanwhile, Draco was not having any fun whatsoever. He was walking down a busy London street muttering to himself.

"That bloody Potter! Is he blind? Out of all the boys he could have picked to have his little experiment with, he chose sodding Weasley!"

He stabbed his wand at the videophone, to get it to work,

"I mean - am I not rich and drop dead gorgeous?" he asked himself incredulously. "I wish the little twerp had told me how to work this damned Muggle contraption."

Draco was now shaking the phone in order to get it switched on. Looking up, he spotted the Hufflepuffs staggering out of a kebab shop, and an evil smile played about his lips.

"Fresh meat," he muttered gleefully. Draco decided to follow them and see what they were up to, before going in for the kill.

Ernie was leading the way to the Ministry, holding his wand aloft shouting, "This way chaps!" The others were following him, with Justin loudly humming the theme to The Dam Busters. After about twenty minutes, they found the entrance to the Ministry. Draco decided it was time for him to make himself known.

"Well, well well, what do we have here? And is there room for one more?"

The Hufflepuffs stared unblinkingly at Draco. Susan Bones licked her lips hungrily.

"I should bloody well say so, you hunk o' burnin' love!" she purred.

* * *

The valiant (or is it stupid?) group of Gryffindors backed off as far as they could from Harry's corporeal Fartronus in fear that they would be the next targets. The unconscious body of Seamus just there to remind them of its power.

"What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?!" fretted Neville, sweat running down his face, and a small sewerage plant forming in his trousers.

"We have to remain calm," said Hermione confidently. "We just need to remain calm and not make any sudden movements."

"That's what you do with alligators and tigers and stuff," exclaimed Dean as he recalled several episodes from the Discovery channel. "I don't think it's going to work with this thing."

"What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?!" screamed Neville shrilly.

"Just shut up for starters," bickered Lavender. "But Neville's right - What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?!"

"Come on, Hermione," begged Parvati, "surely you must have some idea how we can stop this thing."

"Look, you know everything I know comes out of a book," said Hermione, "and in no book I've read does it say anything about fending off a corporal Fartronus. I just can't think on my feet!"

"Come on, Harry, you're more used to this kind of weird stuff," said Dean. "Can't you think of something?"

"NO I BLOODY WELL CAN'T!" caps-locked Harry.

"How about you, Ron?"

Ron didn't say anything, but simply looked at Harry in disgust.

"What's up with you?" asked Hermione.

"Why the hell does he get to do all the important things?" protested Ron. "First he survives the Killing Curse as a baby, then he's the youngest Seeker in over a century, then he saves the Philosopher's Stone, then kills the basilisk, then gets to ride a Hippogriff, then gets to go back in time, then creates a corporal Patronus, then takes part in the Triwizard Tournament, then can see thestrals, then all that bloody business about his godfather being dead..."

"He might not be totally dead," butted in Hermione. "My theory of him returning in some sort of parallel dimension still stands."

"...and now he gets to summon a corporeal Ninja Fartronus! It's just not fair! For once can I do something noteworthy?!"

"Look, Ron," explained Harry. "The story is called Harry Potter and the Pepperoni of Doom, not Ron Weasley and the Pepperoni of Doom. You're just here to act as my obligatory poor friend, like Hermione is my obligatory intelligent friend, Neville my cowardly, dim friend, Seamus my mad friend, and Dean is the token black friend. Plus you're a little bit of comic relief, which this story really needs."

"I take your point," said Ron simply. "Which reminds me - can I borrow a couple of sickles off you?"

"Later," said Harry. "We first need to figure out how we're going to get out of this situation."

The Fartronus continued to slowly lumber forward, deciding on its next target, the stench almost unbearable.

"What we need," said Harry thinking hard, "is some industrial strength air freshener..."

But there was no time for air freshener. The slow, slow Ninja stopped lumbering, and appeared to be silently laughing.

"Clearly," said Lavender in awe, as she usually was, "a student of the Drunken Master technique."

"That's why he went for Seamus..." said Hermione.

But the Ninja vanished.

"What do we do? What do we..." Everyone was staring in his direction. The Ninja was crouched above him on the bed. "What..." But his neck snapped round suddenly in repulsion as the Ninja attacked.

Dean fell too. Lavender and Parvati almost simultaneously hit the ground, even as the Ninja materialised above Hermione.

She was already whispering and clutching her wand.

"FFSSSHHHTTT! " went her rear end, as a powerful blast of wind hit the floor and fired up around her, creating a powerful vortex, which blew her hair up and repelled the Ninja.

The Ninja looked stunned. Crouched on the floor ready to strike, he turned toward Ron and pounced.

"ARRRGH!" yelled Ron, losing all bowel control and letting rip a powerful, rumbling bass note, which caused the air and floor to vibrate, and unleashing a sonic force which finally pulled the Fartronus apart.

"Phew," said Hermione, "the Tootin Trio does it again! I told you it was worth doing those extra pelvic floor exercises..."

"HAPPY NOW?! NOT CONTENT WITH BEING THE QUIDDITCH HERO LAST YEAR, NOW YOU GO AND DESTROY MY FARTRONUS AS WELL!!!! YOU'RE JUST SO SELFISH, RON. I'M NEVER SLEEPING WITH YOU AGAIN!"

"Gulp, er..." said Ron, turning to Hermione, whose hair was still pointing to the ceiling. "Your hair really suits you up..."

* * *

Meanwhile, the Ravenclaws were in awe of what Netty had just suggested.

"So, you all understand what you have to do to get back into the story, right?" she confirmed.

They all nodded wisely. Netty's astonishingly good looks served her well, as her silky locks fluttered gently from the breeze coming through the window (she did not notice that it had a lingering smell about it).

"Okay then. So, Padma and Cho, you go out to Hagrid's hut and see what the Gryffs are doing. Do whatever you have to do to join in, and I mean anything!"

"What, even if they ask us to swallow some pepperoni?" asked Cho uncertainly.

"Then you do it, Chang! That's what this story is all about, you stupid, stupid cow. How you ended up in Ravenclaw I will never know. I should send YOU to the Hufflepuffs!"

Cho burst into tears. There was a squelching sound, as the whole room rolled their eyes in unison.

"So, anyway, whilst these two are ingratiating themselves with the Gryffindors, Michael, Luna and I will go to London to find the Hufflepuffs, and then I can find Draco and get him on his own to explain things."

"What things?" Luna asked.

Netty looked around shiftily. "Er, things that only I, er, know..." There followed a knowing silence. "Things about the pepperoni. And I have to show him my special recipe kebab. Um, yes."

Michael sniggered.

"Well then," Netty roused herself to change the subject. "Let's get going, people. Chop, chop!"

"What about the rest of us?" asked a nameless Ravenclaw.

Netty turned. "As you're not an essential part of the story, you can stay here and amuse yourselves with some sex toys. You all look like you could do with the experience."