Harry Potter and the Pepperoni of Doom!

Harry woke with a start. He sat up, put his glasses on and gazed around the dormitory before realising that it was at least eleven-o'-clock in the morning. He noticed that Dean and Seamus' beds were empty, although the white sheets on Seamus' bed seemed to be covered in what looked like cheesy fingerprint smudges. Harry turned his head and jumped. Neville was sitting Indian-style in the middle of his bed, staring straight ahead and muttering to himself.

"Neville," Harry said cautiously, "are you alright?"

Neville didn't seem to hear him.

"Neville... Neville? NEVILLE!"

"What? Oh! Hi Harry, didn't see you there, sorry!"

Neville looked extremely frustrated and confused.

Harry's eyebrow furrowed. "Neville, what's wrong?"

"Oh, erm, nothing. I was just trying to, er, figure out what exactly happened last night. Who sneaked into whose bed? Did Hermione give me 'tutoring lessons' last night? How many people can Ginny 'study' with in one hour? Oh, and was Dean holding a purple fuzzy slipper?"

Harry glanced sideways at Neville and jumped out of his bed. As he walked towards the dormitory door and turned the knob, Neville called to him "Wait, Harry! One more question: What in the name of Merlin are 'Choosy-Deedles'?"

Down in the common room, Hermione had made the events of the previous night much easier to decipher.

"You see, Harry, this Spider-plot depicts all of the, oh, shall I say, 'inter-relationships' between and amongst those who were present last night. "

Hermione held up the parchment. Drawn on it was a sort of 'web' of names, with lines drawn from person to person. Hermione had a very satisfied look on her face as she handed the parchment to Harry. He scanned the paper.

"Erm, are you sure that there's no mistakes here, Hermione? I mean, Ginny's name has lines going to almost every other person on the grid."

"Oh, no, there's no mistakes - I proofread it seventeen times. Look, I put Ginny's name in the middle of the plot - you know, since she's got so many connections. Also, I went ahead and gave the Cheese Doodles their own spot, just to be accurate."

She smiled up at Harry as if expecting a reward for her good work.

"Er, excellent, I'll just be going now... ahem... excuse me."

Harry walked over to a vacant pouffe by the fire and sat down. Nearby, he overheard Dean and Seamus whispering rapidly.

"You really couldn't tell who it was?" whispered Seamus.

Dean looked to be deep in thought.

"No man, but I think that Hermione was with Neville, so that narrows it down a bit, right?"

He didn't sound very certain.

Harry tried to ignore the rest of the conversation after that. He grabbed a book that had been left on the floor and began to read. But as he read, he realised something. If Hermione was with Neville, Ginny with Luna, Seamus with his Cheese Doodles, and Lavender with Dean, then who was with Parvati? Then suddenly, Harry felt a small tug on his sleeve and looked down.

"Dobby? What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in the kitchens? And why have you ironed your hands and poked holes through your ears... Wait a second..."

Harry stared hard into Dobby's round eyes. Dobby had a look of guilt etched onto his face, and tears were welling up in his eyes.

"S-sir... Dobby had to punish himself. Dobby was in Gryffindor T-tower last night, sir. Dobby was s-somewhere he shouldn't have been... i-in a girl's d-dormitory..."

Harry looked at Dean uncertainly, when suddenly the truth dawned on him...

"So, even though Ginny has seventeen lines going to and from her, we know that there are at least another four persons unknown that should be on there. Are you sure?" whispered Harry to Dean.

"Mate, I'm telling you - male, female, mineral, vegetable, nothing is safe." Dean scrunched up his nose.

On the pretext of studying Ginny's graph, the two friends were deep in conversation. Dean had left Seamus to his own thoughts and had noticed Harry sitting with a rather disgusted, yet bemused look on his face.

"What about house-elves?" said Harry.

"Not my type, H.," said Dean. "Surprised you mentioned them, to be honest."

"Not me, you big eejit," snapped Harry. "It's just with all the shenanigans that were going on last night, we had another visitor in the girls room."

"But that would mean Par - nah. She's one of the sexiest girls in the year. Why on earth would she be with a house elf?"

Harry shrugged. "Women. Who can understand them? I could never understand Cho. And she's gorgeous."

"Well, if you treated her a bit better, H., then maybe you'd be getting your oats?" said Dean, rather unhelpfully.

Harry blushed. He was saved from answering by a magnificent owl, which flew through a window and deposited not only lovely lump of bird poo, but a letter to Harry.

"That's Malfoy's owl, isn't it?" said Dean.

Malfoy's owl strutted around a few moments, taking in its surroundings with a look of superiority. The owl spotted Harry and then stuck out its leg.

"What do you suppose this is all about?" asked Dean.

"I don't know and I don't like it," said Harry.

The owl blinked its enormous yellow eyes at them.

"Well, I don't have all day," said the owl.

"Holy shit! That owl can speak!" Dean spluttered.

"He must have been expensive," said Seamus, clearly awed.

"I am certainly not cheap, if that is what you're implying."

"What? No," Seamus said apologetically to the owl. "I just didn't know that there were talking owls."

"We certainly speak if we must. If we deem you worthy of bothering with - or one scenario could involve some thick-headed Gryffindors who receive an owl, said owl sticks his leg out to be relieved of his burden, and you blithering idiots keep it standing here on one leg as if it were some sort of prized circus pet!"

"Hedwig never says anything to me," said Harry, clearly miffed about the whole thing.

"As I stated," said the owl. "Now, are you going to take your letter, or am I to jump through a hoop of fire first?"

Harry looked at Seamus and Dean as if silently asking whether he should do as he was told. By an owl. That speaks... Harry loosened the tie of the letter around the owl's leg. In a flurry of feathers, Draco's owl burst out of the open window.

"A letter from Draco," Harry muttered to himself. "Well, this is new, isn't it?"

Seamus and Dean looked at each other a moment and then expectantly at Harry.

"Right," said Harry opening the letter.

He read aloud:

Potter,

There have been some unwanted guests entering into our dormitories during the
night, according to one of the cleaning servants. I am writing to you, because I suspect one or more of the many unscrupulous women that your house seems to harbour. It is affecting the morale around here, namely mine, as Crabbe and Goyle seemed to have gone missing. I won't stand for it, Potter, and demand reparations immediately. Say, tonight, in the kitchens, over some pizza? Go ahead and bring the Weasel and the Mudblood. I could do with a laugh.

M.

"What a slimy git!" said Seamus.

"What an asshole!" said Dean.

"Crabbe and Goyle are missing?" said Harry. "And didn't we eat pizza last night?"

They stared at Harry wordlessly for a moment.

"I wish you two would stop doing that!"

"Harry, I don't remember going to the kitchens last night," said a paled Dean.

Seamus shook his head.

"Funny, last night is hazy for me as well."

Harry looked at the letter he was still holding in his hand. He was trying to piece the events of the previous night in his mind, only to draw a numb blank after they all had stepped out the portrait hole.

"I have a feeling we're all going to be in the same predicament," Harry said knowingly.

Harry did not realise how accurate and encompassing his statement truly was, until an owl blasted through their dormitory window, carrying in its beak an envelope with a sparkling blue 'R' as its seal, quickly followed by Hedwig, who had a scroll with a splotchy 'H' stamped on the front attached to her leg.

"This isn't funny." Seamus was staring at both owls suspiciously.

"Sweet lord!" said Dean. "Someone should tell our girls that there aren't enough hours in the night for this sort of thing!"

"You'd think they'd flinch after all that chafing they must be-" Harry did not finish his thought as he stared at the scroll. The 'H' silently winked at him. "What the hell was Hedwig doing in Hufflepuff House?" The owl from Ravenclaw, having dropped its contents (and the envelope), had already flown back out the window. Harry removed the scroll from Hedwig and read silently through it.

"WHAT DOES IT SAY, MAN?" shouted Seamus and Dean.

Harry looked at the scroll for a moment, bewildered. "It's from a Hufflepuff Prefect. Gimanificus Jugs?"

"What the bloody hell are they sending you wizarding porn for at a time like this?" exclaimed Dean.

"It's not porn, you idiot - that's the prefect's name: Gimanificus Jugs! She doesn't seem too happy either."

Seamus looked at Harry urgently. "Well go on then! Read it!"

To Whom It May Concern:

As of late, I have been alerted that students from the Gryffindor house have been entering Hufflepuff house after dark. I have overlooked these accusations for weeks now, but must desist in my ignorance since the recent appearance of certain deli meat - multiple sticks of pepperoni, I believe - in our common room. Students in our house complain that the meat has become a cluttering nuisance. Also, if eaten, the meat gives the students instant amnesia that lasts for hours. I must ask that the Prefects of Gryffindor take care of their house and try to find another place to conduct their nighttime "meetings".

Well-endowedly yours,

Gimanificus Jugs.

Harry scanned the common room for a glimpse of fiery red hair. Once his eyes found their goal, he called out "Ron! Come here."

Ron looked up and obeyed.

"Here, what do you make of this?" Harry handed Ron the letter. As Ron read, his expression became more and more curious.

"I-I dunno, mate. Guess I better round up all of the Gryffindors for a meeting."

As he said this, Hermione traipsed over.

"What's up?" she said.

"Look," said Ron, handing the letters from Malfoy and Gimanificus over to her. "What d'you reckon? House meeting?"

Hermione read them over and said distantly, "Yes, I suppose. I'll go and get the girls, you get the boys."

"Hold up, wait a second!" said Seamus. "Before you go and round anyone up, get a load of this!"

Seamus was holding the letter from Ravenclaw in his hand. Hermione impatiently snatched it from him, scanning it quickly. Her mouth slowly dropped open.

"What is it, Hermione?" asked Harry.

"This is getting ridiculous... you'll never believe... forget the house meeting, we all need to get to the kitchens, now! Where's Ginny?"

Dean spoke up. "I could have sworn that I saw her creep into a broom cupboard off the entrance hall earlier with a couple of Ravenclaw sixth years and that new vibrating Firebolt of hers."

"Ugh, we'll grab her on the way!" Hermoine said, irritated.

"Why Hermione, what is it? Why are we going there? Why does Ginny have to come?" asked Ron, confused.

"Come on, we don't have time, I'll explain on the way!"

The group trooped off after Hermione, as she led the way to the marble staircase.

"Come on you lot," she cried bossily, from over her shoulder.

"What a woman," sighed Ron, as he pulled out his wand.

"What've you got that out for? You're not going to need it," said Harry.

Hermione glanced behind her, saw what Harry was talking about and rolled her eyes. "Put that thing away, Ronald."

The tips of Ron's ears went red, as he mutely replaced his wand back within his robes.

They collected a very disgruntled Ginny from the broom cupboard and made their way to the kitchens. Their only other stop along the way was to read the letter from Ravenclaw house. Hermione read it out to the group:

"Gryffindor House,

We, the party of the first part..."

"Read it properly Hermione," Dean groaned.

"I am, that's what it says. Now where was I? Oh yes, ahem...

We the party of the first part, henceforth known as the violated, wish to invite the party of the second part, henceforth known as the randy little buggers from Gryffindor, to a wizards duel (please bring your own weapons) in the Astronomy Tower, tonight after curfew.

Sincerely pissed off,

The Violated."

Hermione folded the letter, and placed it down her cleavage.

"I think it's time for someone to tickle the peach?" said Ginny quietly.

"Duel with the Ravenclaws! We'll show 'em who makes the best amnesia pepperoni, won't we Dean?" Seamus shouted excitedly.

"You do realise," Harry said, "that we can't go to the duel."

Hermione looked up from her spider chart, where she was adding Hufflepuffs and owls and connecting them all to Ginny. "Why not?"

"We've been invited to have pizza with Malfoy."

Ron stared.

Hermione put her hand in front of her mouth daintily.

A look of remembrance dawned upon Seamus' face. "Yeah," he said, "but I wasn't invited. I get to fight Ravenclaws! Quick - where are the Cheese Doodles? I need to build up my strength."

Hermione flicked her hands at him and turned back to Harry.

"But Harry," she explained, "we can't have pizza with Malfoy. He's been a vegetarian ever since he dined with Hagrid and had beef casserole. He won't have any pepperoni on his pizza."

The resulting gasps could be heard in Hogsmeade.

*

Meanwhile in the Ravenclaw common room, Cho Chang and Padma Patil were heaving the laden string bags onto the table. The pungent aroma of garlic, spices and warm, moist meat were emanating from the tightly wrapped packages that bore the name of 'Brockwurst Spadgers' on them.

"You know, Padders," sighed Cho, "I've had it up to my gizzards with that slapper of a twin of yours. I know she's your sister and all that, but if she puts it about anymore then it won't just be a sausage up the high street job."

"Well, she's not the worst. What about Lavender 'not so sweet' Brown and Grangerface? Shameless wanton hussies, the pair of 'em. And as for Ginny 'the Hogwarts bike'... " sighed Padma.

"I know," agreed Cho, taking out a six-inch length of wrapped sausage from one of the bags and idly fondling it. She began to slowly peel off the paper and eye it longingly.

"I mean, Cho," continued Padma, "what have those Gryffindor floozies got that us Ravenclaw girls haven't? We're more clever and just as good looking as that lot."

Cho wasn't really listening, as she seemed to be slipping into a trance whilst stroking the aromatic length in her hands.

"Hmmmm, yessss, ooh..." she murmured, only to snap open her eyes and come to.

"Well, after tonight's little escapade with these babes," she said, patting the packages, "no one will be able to resist us."