Harry Potter and the Pepperoni of Doom!

It was going to be a bad day. Hermione knew it from the moment she got woken up at three in the morning by Lavender sneaking back in from the boys' dormitory. That was bad enough, but when she woke up Parvati to tell her all the details, it got a whole lot worse.

"And then, you know, I was wearing the underwear he got me for Christmas, and he just pulled on the ribbons on the side, and they just fell away. You should have seen his..."

"That's it!" Hermione snapped. "I can't stand this anymore!"

The other two girls looked up in surprise.

"But Hermione..." started Parvati.

"Don't 'but' me! It is three in the morning! I'm trying to sleep - I don't want to hear what your slutty friend has been up to!"

With these words, Hermione grabbed the blanket off her bed and stormed down to the common room, leaving a very pissed off Lavender behind.

Even the common room offered no peace. Hermione had just settled down into her favourite chair with the thick charms book she had been reading the previous night, when she heard a noise from the other side of the room.

"Hello?" She called out into the dimness.

To her surprise Ginny's head popped out from behind the back of a sofa, shortly followed by Luna's.

"Oh... Hi Hermione. What are you doing down here this late?" Ginny said, climbing out from behind the sofa.

"Can't sleep," Hermione replied. "I could ask the same about you... What's Luna doing here at three in the morning?"

"Oh... um... we've got a test tomorrow... a... potions test... so we were just... um... doing some revision."

"I could help you if you like. What's it on?"

"Er... it's a theory test on, um..."

"Ginny," Luna added helpfully, "your skirt is undone."

* * * * *

Cheese Doodles.

No, there was nothing magical about them, but Seamus Finnigan was dreaming about Cheese Doodles once again. Sleep was rarely restful for him any more and this night was no exception. He had been swimming in a sea of orange-powdered cheese, snaking his way through the puffs, the crunchy, and the new spicy taco flavoured Doodles. At times he had awoken in the middle of a pleasurable moan or just plain sweaty.

It was the latter this time around, and Seamus sank further down dreamily into his pillow, when he noticed the shadow of a lithe figure standing above him. It wasn't until he had been slapped on top of his forehead that he became fully awake.

"What the hell was for that for?" Seamus cried.

Dean Thomas smacked him on the forehead with the bottom of his purple, fuzzy slipper once again.

"I haven't had any sleep for the past two weeks!" SMACK! "That's what for!" SMACK!

"OUCH, GODDAMMIT!" SMACK! Seamus was desperately trying to fend off blows with his hands. "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL ME! HELP, SOMEBODY!"

"Oh, so now you're going to yell and disturb everyone else's sleep, eh?" SMACK! "Well, not on my watch, do you hear me?" SMACK! SMACK!

Ron and Harry, by this time, had stumbled out of their beds and were trying to get a hold of a feral-looking Dean to pull him and his slipper away from Seamus. Neville snored on from behind his curtains, oblivious.

"What the hell is going on here, Dean Thomas? As Prefect I won't have any more of these late night antics!" said Ron loftily, as he puffed out his chest.

"ME? I'm not the one bringing girls into the dorm, making muffled animal noises, and keeping me up half the damned night!"

"Girls into the - What?" Seamus was still rubbing his forehead as they all worked around his question.

Seamus had turned bright red. He would have to tell them his dirty, cheesy little secret. "I haven't been letting anyone in. If I was making any noise it was because I was..."

Harry studied him a moment. "Oh, I see."

"Oh, yuck!" spat Dean. "Can't you take care of that elsewhere?"

"No, no! Not that! I've been having dreams about Cheese Doodles, I swear!"

"You've been dreaming of Doodles?" Ron took the slipper out of Dean's hand and slapped Seamus on the forehead with it.

"But what about the girl's voice? I distinctly heard a girl's voice! That woke me up! In the middle of the night! AGAIN! Doesn't anybody care?" Dean looked pleadingly at Harry and Ron.

It was Harry, who had been taking in the entire scenario, that spoke up first.

"Is it the one where you're climbing a mountain of Cheese Doodles?"

Seamus was about to reply when Ron interrupted.

"Wait. You were carrying on about Doodles, but you," Ron turned to Dean, "heard a girl's voice? In the dorm?" Dean was nodding his puffy-eyed face vigorously. "But we were all asleep till just now."

They all stared at each other suspiciously for a moment, and then one by one they turned to their attention to Neville's bed from which snores were now thundering on just a bit too loudly for their tastes.

Ron pulled back the curtains to Neville's bed, Dean's slipper in the air ready to strike. Neville continued to snore though his eyes were wide open and staring up at the ceiling.

"Neville," said Ron, gently shaking Neville. "Neville. Did you let someone into the dorm tonight?"

The snoring stopped abruptly, and Neville blushed crimson. Just as quickly the snoring started up again.

"Neville?" said Harry awestruck. Seamus and Dean were shaking their heads in disbelief.

"That does it!" said Ron, pulling on his robe. "I'm going to speak to the other Prefect about this! I won't have wanton women corrupting my dorm mates -"

"Neville?" Harry continued to babble.

"- and he's not the sharpest tool in the shed, and for someone to take advantage -"

"Neville?"

"Quiet, Harry!" hissed Dean.

"-and if Hermione thinks she and that harem of scarlet women are going to get away with this then she's got another thing coming!"

Ron flung open the door to their dormitory, and stormed out leaving the other boys, now curious about the identity of the intruder, stumbling over each other as they trailed in his wake.

Neville, still in his bed, hid under his blankets and covered his ears. The entire house was about to be woken up and turned on its ear by the oncoming storm, and Neville wanted no part of it.

Except the part between one and three in the mornings.

* * * * *

Lavender and Parvati were silent for all of two seconds after Hermione's exit.

Then...

"Of all the cheek!" screamed Lavender. "After I've been covering up for her and..."

Parvati's head snapped back from the door to her friend.

"Who, Lav?"

"Doesn't matter P. Let me tell you though, she's not the perfect virginal saint she would have us believe. No, Miss Yo-Yo knickers has been dipping someone's magic wand into her own little cauldron. Sneaking off at one in the morning every night and not coming back for at least two hours. Oh no, she's just perfect, isn't she?"

Lavender got up off the bed and for good measure kicked Crookshanks up the arse, as the cat had just returned from nighttime stroll with Mrs Norris. He hissed at Lavender and stalked out of the room. Parvati jumped up and ran over to her.

"Lav, come on, you have to tell me. You can't leave me in suspense like this. I won't tell anyone. I swear on my older sister's life."

Still oblivious, Lavender prowled around Hermione's bed muttering, "Perfect Hermione, with her perfect marks and perfect potions."

"Lav, tell me for crying out loud! Who's Hermione been sneaking off to meet in the middle of the night? I told you, on my elder sister's life it would go no further."

Lavender turned around and faced Parvati. "It's Neville."

And then Lavender realised that Parvati had no older sister.

* * * * *

Ginny was grinning insanely at Hermione, when the boys came rushing into the common room. Luna immediately glided over towards Ron. (Ron couldn't help but think that Luna must have castors fitted to her feet.) She stopped in front of him, wearing what she hoped was a 'come take me I'm yours big boy' look.

"Hello Ronald," she purred dreamily.

Ron stood frozen to the spot, terror etched across his face.

"Use your wand, Ron," shouted Dean. Luna's eyes popped out even further, as she bounced with anticipation.

"No Dean, that's what got him into this position in the first place -" interrupted Harry bracingly. "Ginny, why is Luna here?" he asked taking Luna by the arm, and dragging her away from Ron.

"We... erm, well, the thing is -"

"Ginny's skirt's undone!" piped up Hermione, as she pointed an accusing finger at her young friend.

Everyone in the room surveyed Ginny and Luna in a mixture of shock and horror. Ron's face turned pale and he began to splutter...

"Ginny! You're not... a... a... a... you know... are you?" he said in a traumatised whisper, clearly overreacting.

"Erm...," said Ginny and Luna in unison.

This seemed enough confirmation for Ron, and he began to howl, "Why?! Why?! Why couldn't you have gone out with Harry?!"

Harry gave a nervous cough and slowly edged away.

"Good idea mate," whispered Dean Thomas sagely, "family affairs always get ugly..."

"Ron! We're not going out...we were er...doing some homework....and playing dressing up in between!" said Ginny in a bid to comfort her brother.

"It didn't look like you were playing dressing up..." said Hermione sceptically.

"Oh and how would Miss I'm-Such-A-Perfect-Saint-Look-At-Me-Virgin Hermione know that?" interrupted Parvati sarcastically, coming down the stairs. A wicked smile was playing upon her face, like a cat that had finally caught the mouse. Lavender was following close behind, looking extremely regretful.

"Lavender's been telling a lot about your late night escapades..." giggled Parvati.

"You!" screamed Ron in horror. "I trusted you! And here you are, in a threesome with my sister and Loony Luna! Why, Hermione, why?!"

"Well actually Hermione's straight..." whispered Dean.

"You! How would you know?!" bellowed Ron, losing all that was left of his self-control.

"Ah... well... last night... quite... the... tiger... actually..." muttered Dean incoherently.

"You!" shrieked Hermione. "I thought you were Neville!"

"You hypocrite! I'm not the reason you haven't been having sleep," pronounced Seamus angrily.

Dean looked highly embarrassed.

"That sounded wrong on so many levels...." said Harry quietly.

And then it struck them...

"Oh no," said Neville and Lavender at the same time.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no...." they both continued....

"That was you?" they questioned each other.

"I thought you were Hermione!" squeaked Neville.

"Well I thought you were Seamus!" screamed Lavender.

"How could you mix me up with Neville?" shrieked Seamus in a scandalised voice.

"How could you not find me attractive? How is Neville better than me? How?" Ron questioned Hermione in shocked voice.

"Seduction in the dark is a very terrible thing," concluded Dean, as everyone in the room groaned.

"Well at least we're clear on everyone's sexual preferences... And if it helps, Ronald, I find you attractive" said Luna in a dreamy voice, which didn't help the situation.

Ginny looked very put out by this. "Why is everything about Ron?!"

"It's not," Hermione corrected her. "It's usually about Harry...."

They all turned to look at Harry.

Harry looked at everyone and decided to speak. "Maybe this is the right time to tell you, I'm coming out of my shell! I'm actually... very confused!"

"Confused?" exclaimed Ron. "I think Luna is the one who's confused. She can't figure out which team to play with".

"She's not confused, she's simply greedy," Hermione said in a matter-of-fact sort of way.

"Well, we know that she's not the only greedy bastard in this room, now don't we?" said Ginny, looking accusingly at Hermione.

"What ever do you mean? I am quite comfortable with who I am."

"Don't you remember our advance wand lessons the other Christmas, or has your Prefect badge blocked your memory of that? And honestly Ron, why are you so surprised about me? Or don't you remember Hermione showing me 'swish and flick'?"

For the moment Harry was relieved that the attention was off him, but he knew in end it was going to be all about Harry, as it always was. Parvati was gleeful. She was glancing around at everyone in the common room, knowing she had something on most of them. Her glance stopped at Harry and she eyed him up for a while.

"Well Mr. Potter, you seem to be enjoying this," she said in a Snape-like manner. She then proclaimed, "It seems we have a mouse out of its house over here, everyone."

The attention was quickly back onto Harry.

"Oh dear God," Harry muttered to himself. "Ah yes, as I was saying..." He struggled to get his wand secured in a better place. "I am confused. I am a bit hurt and very disappointed in all of you to be honest." Everyone hung their heads in shame. "All of you are sneaking around in the dark and NOT ONE OF YOU CAME TO MY BED? NOT A SINGLE PERSON. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HAD TO SAVE YOU ALL? How about a 'little consideration' for Harry Potter?"

"I think it might take more than a 'little' consideration for you, Harry," sniggered Ginny.

Sensing that this situation demanded a true leader, and since Harry was too busy at this moment in time, Ron cleared his throat loudly.

"This is going to take until daybreak to sort out and I'm getting hungry. Someone go to the kitchen and get some pepperoni pizzas."