Rating:
PG-13
House:
Riddikulus
Characters:
Seamus Finnigan
Genres:
Parody Humor
Era:
Multiple Eras
Spoilers:
Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix
Stats:
Published: 09/07/2003
Updated: 09/07/2003
Words: 2,326
Chapters: 1
Hits: 880

Blaise Zabini and the Pudding of Doom

Diricawl

Story Summary:
One Halloween in February, all hell breaks loose. Featuring CrossDressing!Harrry, Banana!Ron, DracoMalfoy!Hermione, Gothic!Hannah, an excessive use of parentheses, and a hell of a lot of pudding.

Chapter Summary:
One Halloween in February, all Hell breaks loose. Featuring CrossDressing!Harrry, Banana!Ron, DracoMalfoy!Hermione, Gothic!Hannah, an excessive use of parentheses, and a hell of a lot of pudding.
Posted:
09/07/2003
Hits:
880
Author's Note:
This is for

Blaise Zabini and the Pudding of Doom

One day in the middle of February Professor Dumbledore decided to have a Halloween Ball for no other reason than he is the Headmaster and can do whatever the bloody hell he likes.

The school erupted in excited whispers. Literally. It was an epidemic. Madam Pomfrey couldn't hand out the Pepper-Up Potion fast enough. Dratted flu season.

One such excited conversation took place in the Gryffindor common room among the infamous Trio. All three had steam pouring out of their ears. Ron's head looked like it was on fire, so several first years make a bucket chain in an attempt to put it out.

"I'm going to be a banana!" a sopping wet, yet still cheerful, Ron Weasley exclaimed.

"A banana," Hermione Granger said scornfully (all the while managing to bat her eyelashes at both Ron and Harry). "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm going as Draco Malfoy."

She glared at them as if daring them to say anything. When they didn't she said, "Well, it's the scariest costume I could think of."

"Spiders are scary," Ron said, still all wet. Because as we all know, having a fear of spiders makes Ron a coward. A big, yellow, banana-shaped coward.

"Well, I'm going to be Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz," Harry said finally.

Hermione and Ron stared at him.

"A girl, mate?" Ron croaked, his voice spontaneously cracking.

"Why not?" Harry bristled even though he was quite sure he never had before and wasn't sure he knew how to do it properly. Perhaps the end effect was something like a porcupine.

"Well, it involves wearing a dress," Hermione said, even though she was going as Malfoy which would involve wearing leather pants.

"There's nothing wrong with that," Harry replied defensively. "Just so long as I don't make a habit of it. Besides, Hermione's cross-dressing as well, and, Ron, you're just one large, yellow phallic symbol."

But this conversation was really irrelevant, as Hannah Abbot was not present. She could have been, of course, as students could pass in an out of common rooms that were not their own as easily as passing in and out of public lavatories. However at the time of that conversation, Hannah was busy moaning and sighing in her dormitory.

"Alas," she said to no one. "Woe. Sigh. Did I already say 'alas'? Damn, I think I did."

She was sighing and moaning because she was not allowed to go to the Halloween ball. Her wicked Head of House had forbidden it as she hadn't finished her Herbology homework, and she'd be stuck in Greenhouse 3 while all her housemates went out and danced the night away. Besides, she didn't have a date.

A single tear trickled down her cheek and left a spot on her homework.

"Shit!" Hannah cursed, loudly and unexpectedly. It was so unlike her! Yet it was not because what Hannah had neglected to mention to everyone was that her entire family had been murdered over the winter holidays. It had really put a damper on Christmas Eve dinner.

Now she was very dark and edgy with her dyed black hair and excessive use of eyeliner, and had started subscribing to magazines with titles like: Death for the Unaccustomed, Voodoo Who?, and Cosmopolitan (which hadn't been about death at all despite the scary looking blonde girl on the cover).

No one had noticed her transformation. This was rather unusual because everyone had noticed when Millicent Bulstrode suddenly became a super model.

Hannah didn't want to hear about everyone's costumes. She just wanted to wallow in her misery. She was getting quite good at it.

The next evening it was time for the Halloween ball. My, wasn't that quick? Behold the powers of Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts. All the students were busy squeezing themselves into their costumes. Except Hannah, of course, who was wallowing in Greenhouse 3.

They entered the Great Hall (looking particularly festive with the mistletoe above every doorway) in pairs because everyone miraculously managed to find the date of his/her dreams on such short notice.

Harry, looking ravishing in a blue gingham dress, was being escorted (or was escorting, it was hard to tell), Ginny Weasley who was dressed as a pineapple. There was something distinctly fruity about those Weasleys.

Hermione, in leather trousers, a flowing white shirt that billowed in the breeze, and blonde wig, entered alone. She had absolutely refused to be seen with Ron the Giant Banana, who entered shortly after her although he had a much harder time getting through the door.

"Think you're funny, Granger?" Draco Malfoy said, oozing pent up sexual energy. He was dressed as a gorilla. Ron backed several steps away.

"Yes I do," Hermione replied, startled by the sudden desire she had to snog Malfoy. She would have done it too, if the Almighty-And-Slightly-Off-Kilter Albus Dumbledore hadn't stood up at that very moment to make one of his highly irrelevant speeches.

"I am reminded of the great philosopher Karl Marx who once did not say, 'Happy Halloween.' I don't have the slightest clue why I am reminded of him." Dumbledore seemed to lose his train of thought. Then he found it again. "Everyone have a Mini Cooper."

The hall was suddenly filled with the adorable automobiles because he was Dumbledore, and he didn't need a reason.

Returning once more to the heroine of our tale, Hannah, we find her still in the Greenhouse. Sighing, moaning, and above all, wallowing.

Plus she was rather dirty now.

She thought she heard a voice say, "You will now turn into your costumes" but assumed she imagined it because no one would say anything that stupid.

And yet someone did say, "You will now turn into your costumes," and it turned out to be part of an incantation. It was so simple to save the author the trouble of having to make up a bunch of Latin-sounding words.

And so they did.

Hannah, completely oblivious to the chaos in the castle (despite the loud screaming and general sounds of anarchy), finally finished her Herbology and trudged back to the castle.

She had only made it as far as the main doors, when a Slytherin student she identified as Theodore Nott came prancing out. He was dressed as a pirate.

No, Hannah decided. He was a pirate. It had something to do with the eye patch, hook for a hand, lingering smell of rum, and decided lack of hygiene. He was most certainly a pirate. And a sexy pirate too, despite the unwashed quality. Hannah had thought she wore a lot of eye liner.

"Argh," Nott growled, pulling a sword from his belt (which earlier Hannah would have sworn was fake) and pointing it at her. "Grr, argh. Ahoy. Starbord, um, avast. Mainsails!" He took a bottle out of his coat and waved it at her. "Rum!"

Hannah screamed.

Nott rushed at her, picked her up, and threw her over his shoulder, then he proceeded to run up to the Astronomy Tower.

It was rather occupied at that moment, however. Not by snogging couples as was usually the case, but by an astronaut, princess, alligator, and Smurf whom Hannah believed had once been Dean Thomas, Cho Chang, Emma Dobbs, and Professor Flitwick. Ignoring this, Nott threw Hannah onto the ground and attempted to ravish her.

He only got as far as attempting because at that moment Hannah's heavy black steel tipped boot (which she got on sale from Skull and Crossbone's) caught him in the family jewels. She felt a hand grab her wrist and pull her away. Struggling, she was preparing to kick her current captor when it occurred to her that he was a normal human boy.

Well, it was Seamus Finnigan at any rate.

"Come on," he shouted above the noise. "I know where we can hide!"

He pulled her along as they ducked a knight in armor (Ernie MacMillan), who cried, "Halt, fiends!" and swung a mace at them, a cow (Lisa Turpin and Justin Finch-Fletchley), who merely mooed at them, and an alien (Luna Lovegood) with a ray gun.

Seamus quickly tickled the pear and they ducked inside the kitchens where there was no activity whatsoever. Dude, that's where the House Elves lived. Who would want to party with them?

"What is going on?" Hannah cried, thoroughly bewildered and near tears. She would not cry; it might smear her makeup.

"Everyone has turned into their costumes," Seamus replied.

"Oh."

"I wasn't at the Halloween Ball," Seamus explained even though no one had asked. He was Seamus Finnigan. No one had to ask. "Couldn't think of a costume. Why are you still Hannah?"

"I had Herbology homework," Hannah answered, determined never to think an unkind word about Professor Sprout again, a determination destined to last precisely three days. "You know who I am?"

Seamus looked at her, his eyes shining with love. "Of course! How could I fail to notice you? The ever so lovely Ravenclaw-"

"Hufflepuff."

"-Hufflepuff, who is so dark and mysterious, yet alluring and, er, mysterious." Seamus took her hands in his. "Hannah, I love you!"

"Well, that's all very well and good," Hannah replied, slightly disturbed. "But haven't you noticed that our classmates are cows and astronauts?"

"Can I offer you pudding?"

A nameless House Elf handed Seamus a bowl full of pudding. Mm, chocolate and vanilla, Hannah's favorite. She took the proffered spoon, and together they ate the pudding and it was good.

But that still left the problem of their bewitched friends.

And someone was tickling the pear.

Hannah grabbed Seamus's sleeve and clung to him. He looked satisfied and would have used the opportunity to snog her good, had it not been for the zombie who entered the kitchen.

"Oy," Seamus said, annoyed. "We were just getting to the good part."

And for no reason whatsoever, except that he was annoyed, he took another pudding from a random House Elf and threw it at the zombie.

Now because this particular pudding was both chocolate and vanilla, the yin and yang quality caused the zombie to shed his costumed exterior until he was once again simply Vincent Crabbe. (Who was still rather zombie like, but that was his natural state.)

He grunted. "Wot was that?" He licked his chin. "And why do I taste like pudding?"

Seamus leapt up, causing Hannah, who had been semi-fainting against him, to fall to the ground. He was quick on the uptake and realized that pudding was the answer. It always was.

"Ready the puddings!" he cried to the House Elves who scurried about to do his bidding.

A short time later, as more zombies, vampires, and the cow were starting to storm the kitchens, the puddings were ready. Behold the power of Seamus Finnigan who wasn't good for much else.

Seamus and Hannah started hurling pudding at the unsuspecting creatures who attacked. One by one they returned to their normal state (only slightly more chocolate-y) and they all rushed away to take baths.

The kitchen hoard taken care of, Seamus and Hannah ran off hand in hand, carrying pudding, in search of the others. They found Dorothy, Draco Malfoy, a gorilla and a Giant Banana in the Gryffindor common room.

"Nothing out of the ordinary here," Seamus shrugged, as the gorilla attempted to peel the banana.

"Oy!" Ron shouted. "Gerroff!"

"Bananas can't talk," Hannah reminded him.

"If we can have Halloween in February, then bananas can talk," Ron replied stubbornly.

Hannah gave him a face full of pudding.

Meanwhile Dorothy, or rather Harry, stood there clicking her, or rather his, heels, looking distinctly confused. Hermione-turned-Draco Malfoy was sneering in her (his) direction. Then he (she) strutted around a bit. She (he?) complained about her (his) hair. Rolling his eyes, Seamus flung pudding at the both of them and they returned to (somewhat) normal.

The scene would have amused anyone. Ron and Malfoy were in the middle of a wrestling match in pudding (Hermione whistled), and Harry was struggling out of his dress which was rather slippery and completely ruined which put him in something of a bad mood.

Seamus and Hannah didn't notice as they were too busy snogging.

"Ah, true love," Hermione sighed, her wig slipping slightly, no longer blonde but chocolate brown.

Down by the lake, the culprit for the night's bedlam chuckled evilly to himself. Then he began to choke and the Giant Squid was forced to hit him on the back.

Colin Creevey managed an evil grin. Then he slowly changed into Professor Umbridge who had disguised herself as Colin Creevey (via Polyjuice potion, of course) to infiltrate the Gryffindor common room and spy on Harry while he slept. She had decided as revenge for what happened in the Forbidden Forest she would cast the spell on them all and turn them into demons (and one cow.)

Still laughing evilly, Professor Umbridge drove off into the night in her brand new Mini Cooper. What happened to her is not part of this story as it is late and the author is falling asleep.

Hannah and Seamus dated for awhile but soon realized that they really had nothing in common except for a love of pudding and broke up. They got back together after only a few hours when they realized they couldn't live without one another. They went out for pudding.

Hermione, thoroughly disgusted by her masquerade as Malfoy, spent a long time afterwards chastising them for using the House Elves as slave labor to make pudding, even if they did end up saving Hogwarts.

She was ignored, as usual.

The End.

Author's Note: You may be wondering why this story was called Blaise Zabini and the Pudding of Doom if Blaise Zabini was never in it. Well, he was mentioned only once in canon and never mentioned again, so why should I make a big deal out of him...her...it...