Are You Off Your Rocker?

CH1: September - part 1

Sunday, September 1st, 1996

Harry, Dean, Seamus, and Lavender were going over the details of their plan on the Hogwarts Express. Ron and Hermione were in the Prefects compartment or off snogging somewhere (something they have been doing quite a bit since they became a couple over the summer). It was a good thing, too - couldn't have somebody getting suspicious of their actions this early in the year.

Harry was scribbling madly on a parchment. "Okay, does everyone know what they have to do?" Each member had a list of things they'd have to complete by the end of the month.

Lavender nodded. "Yeah. I'm trying to accustom myself to the very grossness of the coming year."

"You have to do it, Lav," Seamus pointed out. "It would seem weird coming from any of us. Besides, you have to do it for the good of the cause. For the money."

"To see if Snape can actually blush," Harry added.

"Do it for the puppies, Lavender," exclaimed Dean. Everyone looked at him. "There may be puppies rooting for us. Somewhere."

"I know, I know." She sighed. "I'm ready."

"Good," said Harry. "We start tonight."

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"And now, we eat!" Dumbledore sat down and the feast began.

"So, Lavender," Parvati asked her best friend. "How was your summer?"

"Great," Lavender answered. "And I realized something."

"What? Ooooh! Does it have anything to do with a guy?"

"Yes." She pretended to blush.

"Who is he? Do I know him? Is he in our year? Our house?"

"Well, we've known him the whole time we've been in school, but he's not in our year or house."

"Oh, an older guy. Who?"

Lavender took a deep breath and proclaimed loudly, "I am in love with Severus Snape!"

The whole hall went quiet and everyone turned to look at her. At the High Table, Snape appeared to be choking on something. Lavender grinned. 'Bingo.'

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Fall completely, head-over-heels in love with him. Let everybody know about it - Check.

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Monday, September 2nd, 1996

The rumors that Lavender Brown had developed a serious infatuation with the greasy Head of Slytherin House made rounds in gossip at record speed. At first, there were a few sceptics that said this was all a big hoax, but their numbers diminished when the Professor arrived at breakfast the next morning, glowering at the Lavender scattering rose petals in front of him.

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Scatter rose-petals in front of him wherever he goes - Check.

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Severus Snape was not having a good day. Following the Welcoming Feast, he went into a deep period of denial. He had even managed to convince himself that Brown's declaration of love had been the work of a miscalculated charm or hex or something and it would go away. That is, until he left his chambers and found her sprinkling......flower petals......at him.

"Hello, Severus," McGonagall greeted. "I see you're having an interesting morning." Snape growled and sat down.

"Um, excuse me?" The potions professor look up. Tiny first-year eyes peered back.

"What?" demanded Snape. The student took a step back.

Um, I just wanted to...er....know....."

"Hurry up!"

"TherewasthisboyandhetoldusastoryaboutyouinadressandIwantedtoknowifitwastrue."

"WHAT?!?"

"He said that when he was younger, they did a class and some kid named Neville made a image of you appear in dress. We all wanted to know if it was true, so I said I'd ask you."

"Who - told - you - that?"

"Him." He pointed at the Gryffindor table."

"FINNIGAN!!!"

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Tell loud stories about Neville Longbottom's boggart - Check.

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Snape began stalking towards his newest victim ('he told people that story!?! I'll kill him!'), but was cut off by the arrival of the mail. A snowy white owl he recognized as Potter's swooped down and dropped a thick packet of parchment on his head."

"What the - " Snape peered at the letter. "Potter! What is this?"

"What's what, Buzz?" Harry asked calmly.

"This - " He paused. "What did you just say?"

"I said 'What's what, Professor?'"

"I thought...never mind. What is this?" He read the top of the paper. "'How I spent my summer vacation?'"

Harry shrugged. "I figured you might be interested."

"Why? Huh? Urg!" Snape gave up and stomped out of the Hall.

Harry returned the smirk Seamus was giving him.

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Owl him long and detailed accounts of your summer holidays - Check.

Accidentally call him 'Buzz' every now and again, for no good reason - Check.

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Seamus, Lavender, Dean, Harry, and, surprisingly, Neville all got an 'Exceeds Expectations' on their O.W.L.s putting them one class down from the N.E.W.T. class Snape spoke so highly of. And this served the purposes of the ferocious four wonderfully.

Snape stood at the front of the class, eyeing the Gryffindors warily, and began to take attendance.

"Boot?"

"Here."

"Brocklehurst?"

"Present."

"Brown?"

"Of course," she replied dreamily.

"Finnigan?"

"Mmmmhmmm."

"Finch-Fletchley?"

"Yes."

"Longbottom?"

"Ye-ye-s."

"Potter?"

"Yes, Severus."

"T - What did you just call me?"

"Professor."

"I - never mind. Thomas?"

"Eeep."

"Excuse me?" Snape glanced at Dean over the list.

"Nothing, Professor."

Snape sighed. "Turpin?"

"Here, sir."

"Copy the ingredients on the board. Now!"

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Call him Severus - Check.

Squeak softly every time he says your name during roll-call - Check.

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The class took out their parchment and ink and quills, then set to work. All but one.

"And, using the knowledge and greatness that comes from being I, Gilderoy Lockhart, I tracked down and cornered the - ," Seamus read aloud in a fake deep voice.

"Finnigan, what do you think you are doing?" Snape spat.

"I thought the class could use some livening up. I know how much you love Lockh - "

"10 points from Gryffindor for the disruption. Give me that." He ripped the book out of Seamus's hand. "And what are you looking at?" Dean put his hands over his eyes as Snape stalked up to him. "Why aren't you working?"

"Peek-a-boo!" He shouted and the Professor jumped back.

"What the - 10 more points from - !"

"Wow," Harry mumbled. "The Lord and Master of All Things Slimy has his panties in a twist today."

"Get out!" Snape screamed. "All three of you! Just go!"

Lavender sighed. "I love a man who takes charge."

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Read aloud from 'Magical me.' Do this every day in class until you finish the book, the year is over, or you are expelled. Whichever comes first - Check.

Hide your face with your hands in class. When he approaches remove them and shout 'Peek-a-boo! - Check.

Refer to him as 'Lord and Master of All Things Slimy' - Check.

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Tuesday, September 3rd, 1996

The strange Annoy-the-Hell-Out-of-Snape disease that several of the students seemed to have picked up did not improve as time went on. If anything it got worse.

It started when Seamus Finnigan calmly strode up to the High Table during breakfast and proceeded to wack the Potions teacher over the head with, what looked like, a rolled-up newspaper.

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Walk up to him every Tuesday. Hit him repeatedly with a rolled up copy of 'The Daily Prophet' - Check.

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Snape stomped angrily to his first class - Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw fourth years - robes billowing behind him. It was a very imposing sight indeed. Which didn't fit with the fact people were laughing at him.

'What is going on?' He spun around only to find a very still Dean Thomas smiling out the window. He continued on, pretending not to notice the pointing. Thomas was now tying his shoe. Growling, he stormed into his classroom and slammed the door.

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Follow him closely through the hallways. Imitate his stern look and determined walk. If he turns around, stand still or smile sweetly - Check.

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Snape entered the classroom to find his class crowded around something on his desk. Dreading what was to come, he pushed his way through the throng.

"What has captured your attention so much?" He paused when he saw the creature.

"CHUCKLES?!?" he yelled, amidst muffled giggles from the students.

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Leave a well-worn and sickeningly cute teddy-bear where it can be easily seen by staff and students. Ensure it has a tag, written in a child's hand, stating that he 'belongs to Severus' and is called 'Chuckles' - Check.

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Friday, September 6th, 1996

"Your being paranoid, Severus," McGonagall stated calmly. "No one is out to get you."

"Shows how much you know."

"A few harmless pranks at the beginning of the year is nothing to panic about. Happens to the best of us. Anyway, they seem have stopped."

"They are just trying to lull me into a false sense of security," Snape said, eyeing the Hall suspiciously. "They are out waiting till I'm unprepared. Then, they'll pounce."

"Mark my words," she said as Snape got up to leave. "This has already blown over."

It wasn't until Snape turned to the door did she clap a hand over her mouth.

"Actually," said the Transfiguration Professor between snickers. "I may have to retract my previous statement."

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Learn a charm that gives its unsuspecting victim a large, fluffy, white rabbit's tail. For a week. Put it to good use - Check.

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Saturday, September 7th, 1996

The next day, Snape's legendary billowing black robes were made to match his tail.

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Learn a charm that makes fabric turn day-glow pink. You know what to do next - Check.

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That's not to say his face didn't match as well. Apparently, it is possible for Snape to blush and a permanent one was painted on.

And a valentine in the same hue was delivered at breakfast.

A valentine in September.

A valentine from 'An Admirer' that listed things that are not suitable for children's ears.

Snape promptly set fire to the offending letter and started to make another hasty retreat from the Great Hall when a nearby conversation reached his ears.

"Can I borrow Snapie for a letter?"

He whipped around and found the speaker to be Potter, another infuriating fact.

"What?"

Harry looked up. "Oh, hi Professor. I was just asking Seamus to borrow his new owl." He looked amused. "And speaking of owls, I saw what you received this morning. I didn't think he would have the guts to do it."

"It's none of your busi - ," Snape's ears caught up with his mouth. "You know who sent it?"

"Of course. I walked in on him in the owlery. He couldn't get up his nerve then, I figured he'd never send it." Harry sighed. "Looks like Malfoy thinks of you a bit more than he should." He and Seamus stood up. "Well, we've got Herbology. Hope we helped with your problems, Spot." And with that, the two Gryffindors left.

Snape continued on his way, only to stop abruptly again. "Spot?"

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Send him Valentines in September - Check.

To avoid suspicion and create more annoyance, give vague hints that these Valentines are from a certain blond Slytherin - Check.

Get an owl. Name it after him - Check.

Call him by a different name every time you see him. 'Tinkerbell' 'Spot' and 'Twinkle-Toes' should go down well - Check.

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Sunday, September 8th, 1996

"Albus, I must talk with you." The minister strode into the Great Hall of Hogwarts, attracting the attention of everyone present.

"Of course, Cornelius," Dumbledore said as he stood up. "What about?"

"I've been receiving letters about a member of your faculty and I'm not sure why."

"Oh? About what?"

"Everything." He flipped through a stack of papers he had in his hand. "It details their everyday activities from when he gets up to what he eats for meals."

"That is unusual," the Headmaster replied, an amused twinkle in his eye. "Who are these reports about?"

"Mr. Severus Snape."

At that moment, said teacher came into the Hall, ranting and raving.

"Albus! You need to do something about your pupils! They are menaces! They contaminated my chambers!"

"That's not all they've done," Professor Sprout mumbled.

"What now!?!" Snape stopped his tangent. "Minister? Why are you here?"

"The 'menaces' have branched out."

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Send anonymous weekly reports about him to the Minister of Magic. Double reward - it'll annoy the minister, too - Check.

Replace all Slytherin insignia in his quarters with that of Hufflepuff - Check.