A House Party... Wizarding Style

The Punchbowl

    

"Dung! How are you, mate?" said Sirius as he came out of the house smiling broadly at the two trucks (using the term very, very, very loosely) parked out front of the Potters house. Mundungus Fletcher, or Dung as he was affectionately called, was about two feet shorter than Sirius, always smelled distinctly of whiskey and cigarette smoke, and never took off his coat. Sirius had once asked whether he ever washed it, to which Dung had replied that he couldn't remember. None of the Marauders had touched him since.

"Not bad Sirius, not bad." Dung's voice was slurred, smelled strongly of beer, and he looked as though he was trying to decide whether it was Sirius or a donkey he was squinting at. Sirius raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms.

"Been at the gin again, have you?" Sirius asked, sounding bemused.

"Wha?" asked Dung stupidly, staring up at Sirius. "Dunno what the ‘ell your talk'n bout Serius"

"Oh come on, Dung! Everyone knows that besides being a barking mad kleptomaniac, (Here Sirius eyed Dung's over-lumpy coat) you are also desperately addicted to alcohol!" Sirius laughed his bark-like laugh. "I've never known a person over twenty who could down a whole bottle of whiskey in under a minute and is not either dead or in the Crazy Ward of St. Mungos."

Dung had the grace to look embarrassed. "Well..." he muttered, looking at his feet. "Just coz I can't seem to...well...to get on without a spot a'whiskey once a day, doesn't mean you can tease me about it! Ya ‘ave no right!"

"Of course I have the right to!" roared Sirius with authority. "Putting aside the fact you are older than me, Let's look at the statistics, shall we?" He straightened up and held up a finger. "One- I am close to six feet tall. You are four foot eleven." Dung squinted up at Sirius as though sizing him up, then decided better of it and nodded. "Two- I am much more handsome than you. While you resemble something of a mix between a bloodhound and a stoned Chihuahua, I resemble a glorious, shining black mastiff, prepared for anything, ready at any moment to–"

"Pose for girls?" suggested James, who had just come outside with Remus to look at the supplies and have some fun taunting Dung.

"Er...that was not what I had in mind, but now that you mention it..."

Remus snorted loudly. Sirius turned to him, and grinned broadly. James shook his head. Dung looked between the three and cleared his throat loudly. "Um...so...this'll be the lot, then Sirius?" he asked, clearly uncomfortable at not understanding the joke.

Sirius peered over Dung's straggly hair at the contents of the truck. He noticed that the one of the trucks seemed to have been used for some kind of Muggle Juice company. Sirius shook his head, imagining the frenzy the Muggles would be in right now looking for the two juice trucks, (from his very limited experience with Muggles, he thought they seemed somehow very attached to their Juice Trucks). Sirius walked around to the back of one of the trucks and opened the doors. Instead of piles upon piles of Juice, there were piles upon piles of beer, and at least five different brands of fire whiskey in the trucks. He looked at Dung.

"Where's the Vodka?" he shouted. "And rum? And punch? And Butterbeer for those insane people who don't want to get drunk! WHERE DID YOU PUT IT!!!" Sirius was now shaking Dung madly and screaming.

Dung had a look of concern mixed with complete and utter terror on his face. " Didja check the other truck?"

"Oh, Um . . I was just about to." said Sirius, instantly dropping Dung and walking over to the other trunk which he peered inside to find mountains upon mountains of butterbeer and punch. Sirius gave a sigh and turned around. "Hand it over Dung." Both Sirius and Dung were completely oblivious to Remus and James were sitting on the front porch eating a conjured popcorn and greatly enjoying the show.

"‘and what over?" asked Dung, his eyes darting around the , searching for a hole in James' front yard to escape through.

He seemed not to realize that by driving the truck into the Potters' yard, he had managed to make a more than adequate hole, not only though the yard but into the dinning room at well, and judging from the fact that a full sized army could now march through it, it was obviously a very, very large hole.

James seemed to have finally noticed this slight detail and dropping his popcorn (which got a very loud shot from Remus) however, as he proceeded to faint dead away on the ground. Remus looked down at his fallen friend and decided the would much rather see what Sirius was going to do to Dung than what James would say if he woke up. Sirius turned his attention away to finish dealing with Dung.

"Okay, okay..." Sirius huffed, folding his arms. "ANYWAY!" he shouted, turning on Dung. "As I was saying..." His face turned severe. "Hand it over."

Dung didn't move. "‘and what over?"

Sirius pulled out his wand, causing Dung to flinch. James made an involuntary movement from his position on the driveway. Sirius pointed it down at Dung, and glared menacingly. "I said, hand it over," he growled. Dung shuddered.

"Well, I didn't mean anything by it, Sirius...I just wanted a little. . .ya know..."

"GIVE IT HERE, DAMN YOU!" Sirius roared. Dung gave a squeak, and began to run in the opposite direction, his arms above his head. As he ran Sirius shouted ‘Impedimenta' and, as Dung was thrown 10 feet backwards and feel to the ground which knocked him out, around 30 bottles of rum, came falling out of all his pockets. Sirius summoned all the bottles of rum into the first of the Juice Trucks, turned and bowed.

Remus applauded. "That was great" he said, still clapping, "I think now we need to revive our knock downed partner in crime."

"Er...right," said Sirius, looking around. Remus bent over James, pulled out his wand, and murmured, "Ennervate".

James' eyes snapped open, and he jumped up and punched the nearest thing to him, which happened to be Remus' jaw. Remus fell over as James shouted at the top of his lungs, "MY MOTHER IS GOING TO KILL ME! AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND—"

James would have continued along this vein for quite some time if Remus hadn't then sat up and punched him squarely in the jaw. James glared at him. "What was that for?" he asked angrily, suddenly calm.

"Payback," said Remus smiling and massaging his own jaw.

James shrugged, then turned back to Sirius. "What's going on? The last thing I remember was you and Dung fighting and then..."

"Oh, I was talking to Dung," said Sirius "and then I think you noticed..." Remus was making wild movements with his arms, signaling Sirius to stop. Sirius looked puzzled for a moment, then continued. "Stop that Moony! Then I think you noticed the big hole that Dung just made in your mothers' hedge and into the dinning room wall," finished Sirius with flourish, gesturing to the hole. James eyes grew big, he glance at the remainder of the hedge and wall though which you could clearly see the dinning room, and fainted.

"Sirius! You. Are. An. Idiot." exclaimed Remus, glaring at him and shaking his head.

"What? No I'm not!" said Sirius. Remus rolled his eyes and snorted. "What'd I do?" He glanced down at James, and understanding came into his eyes. "Ah."

Remus rolled his eyes again. "What should we do with him?" he asked, looking down at James.

"Er...Just leave him there."

Remus raised an eyebrow.

"Well,"said Sirius reasonably. "He would just knock one of us out again in his frenzy of talking about how his mother is going to kill him again and again...wait..." Sirius' eyes widened. "They are zombies! I knew something was up when he said that she died before! And now, did you hear what he–"

"Padfoot?"

"Yes, Moony?"

"Shut up."

"But zombies are important!"

"SIRIUS!"

"Right, well, zombies may not be very important to you, but dead people walking around is WRONG! Especially since these dead people seem to have a fondness for PERMANENTLY killing those around them!! AND!! Since I'm now living with a family of zombies! Do you know what that means!! It means that they are going to EAT me, possibly even make a boat out of my skin!!! I will not let them make a boat out of my skin, goddamnit!! If they try to –"

"Er...Padfoot?"

"Yeah?"

"James' family are not Zombies. Now, to the realistic matter of concern, how are we going to get all of this" he gestured toward the two trucks, and the unconscious Mundungus Flecter and James Potter, "inside?"

Sirius looked at the trucks and people, and then at the small two story house in front of them,"That might prove to be a problem," he agreed.

"I think we should get Prongs inside first," said Remus, looking with concern at his other friend, who was now shrieking hysterically about his mothers favorite wall and hedge.

Sirius smirked. "Can I get a picture first?" he asked, a mischievous glint in his eye.

"Only if I can get a picture of you with the fire poker," said Remus smoothly. Sirius squeaked. Remus laughed, and then motioned Sirius (still speechless) over to James. Sirius pointed at the hedge. James fainted.

Remus and Sirius then carried James back into the house. They put James down on the rug in the living room, and then sat on the couch facing him. "Prongs?" said Remus loudly. James shot up, yelling something incomprehensible.

Sirius leaned forward, grabbed his shoulders and shook him, "James, mate, get a hold of yourself!" James stopped shouting, and glared at Sirius. Sirius glared back. James leered at Sirius. Sirius leered back. James scowled at Sirius. Sirius scowled back.

"SO!" interrupted Remus loudly. Both boys turned. "We need to get this house ready for 120 people that are coming in..." He checked his watch. "Approximately two hours. We've got the supplies, now where are we going to put them?"

"My mum's got a punch bowl!" exclaimed James from where he sat on the floor. "Accio Punchbowl!" There was a tremendous crash from the kitchen. "Well, she used to have a punchbowl, now she hasn't" said James meekly.

Remus rolled his eyes, got up and disappeared into the kitchen for a few moments. They heard some crunching on glass, a muttered spell, and then footsteps as he returned with the punch bowl, fully mended. "Wow!" said Sirius. "That was like magic!" he paused for a moment, and then grinned sheepishly.

"Oh yeah–"

Remus burst out laughing. "Too...much...firewhiskey..." he managed to choke out. Sirius looked offended.

"I only had the two sips during ‘I never'" Remus looked doubtful "Right! Accio Punchbowl!" said Sirius. The punchbowl flew into his arms, knocking the wind out of him and causing him to pitch backwards over the couch. James sniggered.

"Good job, Padfoot." Sirius got himself up, muttering something about evil punch bowls out to rule the world. He then placed the punchbowl ceremoniously on the coffee table. In front of him.

"Okie Dokie, that's done," he said with relief.

"‘Okie Dokie'", said James in disbelief.

"Oh, that was good," said Remus with sarcasm. "We finally managed to get the punchbowl on the table. Great going guys! This Party will be set up in no time at all. " James gave him a look. Remus shrugged.

"We need a motivational speech," decided Sirius.

"James, you are good at this sort of thing" said Remus. "Why don't you give us a speech to boost our morale?"

James cleared this throat. "Friends, Punchbowls, Firepokers, lend me your ears! Wait no–" James grinned. "Lend me your beers!" There was a roar of approval. James bowed.

"Is that it?" asked Sirius.

James nodded. "It was rather good, wasn't it?" he asked.

"It was okay, except for the f-word in the beginning," said Sirius.

"Excuse me, what?" James asked, looking shocked.

"You know, the f-i-r-e word?"

"What, firepoker?"

Sirius squeaked and hid behind the couch. "It's watching me!" he whispered, looking at the fireplace.

James shook his head, and turned to Remus. "Well, did you think it was a good motivational speech?"

"Mmm..." said Remus. "The punchbowl looked a bit bored, but then again you can't please everyone..."

"At least the firepoker was attentive," said James, looking a bit put out by the fact that a crystal bowl hadn't been hanging on to his every word. "Did you see it standing there, all its attention on me?" Sirius' eyes went very wide from behind the couch. He then shook himself and strode out into the middle of the room, stopping next to James. Sirius leaned in towards James, until they were an inch apart. James looked acutely uncomfortable.

"Y-yes Padfoot?" he asked nervously.

"Hedge," whispered Sirius. James fainted. Sirius laughed hysterically, looking at his unconscious friend. He didn't even notice Remus until he was right behind him.

"Moony, wasn't that-" Sirius stopped dead. Remus was holding the firepoker out in front of him, and it was a centimeter away from Sirius' stomach. Sirius sucked in his stomach. "Moony...buddy...you wouldn't," he squeaked in a voice two octaves higher than usual. "Would you?" He looked at Remus with wide eyes. Remus poked him in the stomach. Sirius fainted right on top of James. Remus stood in the middle of the living room, brandished the firepoker at the punchbowl, and cackled.