The Ladies Man Skanksgiving

Draco [wearing vintage silk shirt and leather vest. He sits in a mustard yellow chair, surrounded by peace candles, sipping Courvoisier. His white-blonde hair is curled into an Afro. The audience goes wild. In a heavily accented lisp, he begins]: Yeah, well it's all-right. Well thank you very much. [A huge smile brightens his face.] I'm Draco Malfoy, Tha Ladies Man, and how ya'll doing tonight? [crowd applauds loudly]. Welcome to The Ladies Man, the loveline to answer all your romantic queries...yeah...that sounds good. I've got my Courvoisier right here... and I also got my WIKT fan fiction. Oh yeah, Dat's right. Now, uhm, I have read dis and dis is good. Real Good. I like the stuff about da Yule Ball, da intellectual connections, ....and da BJs.

In fact, I like dis so much, that tonight I'd like to preform, theatrically perform, some of dis for you.

So without further ado, this is what I likes to call [cue Hitchcock music] the Ladies' Man presents.

The Ladies Man: Now, I am here in tha Potions Office. For dis demonstration I will be playing Professor Severus Snape. And you will know me as Snape by wearing dis wig. [Draco pulls out a greasy black wig.] Here to assist me is a very talented performer. You've probably seen her name on many bathroom walls in Hogwarts, cuz she does get around. Please welcome the lovely Ginny. How bout that? [Crowd roars as the small, red-haired girl in tight leather makes her way to the front.]

Ginny [in a white-trash southern-drawl]: Well, Draco, I will be playing Mizz Hermione Granger. [She bats her eyes and teases her red hair.]

The Ladies Man [looks longingly at his picture of Mrs. Weasley]: Yeah, that's right. Ginny is not as fat, therefore not as sweet as her mother, but she is no bus station skank. [Smacks his co-star on the ass and gives her a wink. Ginny giggles.]

The Ladies Man: Now, here is sexual encounter number one; or what I likes to call: The Oral Office....[sits behind a desk, begins in a pompous voice] And ACTION!

Yes, I will teach my students how to bottle fame, brew glory...[Ginny enters in a tight black skirt and tube top.] Oh. Why, hello there.

Ginny [giggling]: Hello, my name's Hermione Granger.

The Ladies Man: I am Professor Serverus Snape

Ginny: Look, I'm wearing a thong! [Displays a bright pink thong.]

The Ladies Man ["Professor Snape, " normally arrogant and controlled, begins to drool]: Oh yeah, that is nice... [regains composure] I mean...that is very good.

Ginny: We have quite a chemistry...

The Ladies Man: Look, can I kiss you? [They begin to kiss lightly on top of his desk.]

The Ladies Man: And FREEZE! [Ginny resumes her original place quickly and Draco grins broadly.] Yeah. Dat was not bad. But I must say dat he wasted to much time before he got what he wanted. And dat is very sad, you see. Check out how the Ladies Man would handle the sit-I-a-tion.

The Ladies Man [holding a glass of Courvoisier]: Hello der sexy.

Ginny: Hello, I'm Hermione Granger.

The Ladies Man: Oh yeah? How about me gettin' a couple of handfuls of dat big butt? [Draco promptly grabs Ginny's ass with a jubilant chuckle.]

The Ladies Man: And FREEZE! Now, you see how I wasted very little time before I grabbed her butt? See, I did not kiss her, I just went straight for da caboose. Now let's move onto the time when Snape had some pieces of Devil's Snare delivered to him by Hermione. You know. For all of those "Advanced" potion lessons. Or what I likes to call: The Prof gets him a Slice.

The Ladies Man [brewing a smoking potion before class]: And ACTION....By creating this, I will have eternal power and life... yeah...dat's right...

Ginny: Professor Snape, I brought you a piece of Devils Snare for your class. [Bats her eyelashes and licks her lips.]

The Ladies Man [winks at crowd]: I hope dat it's piece of ass.

[ The bells rings and upper-level students usher in loudly.]

The Ladies Man: Hello there students. How's it comin with you fightin' dat Voldermort?[Ginny crawls under the desk to do some advanced oral action. The "professor" begins to coo as Harry and Ron ramble on.] Uh-huh. Yeah. That's right. [This goes on for some time, Ginny eventually popping up from the desk and wiping her mouth.]

The Ladies Man: And FREEZE! [Draco giggles in pure pleasure.] I must say I've done many things while having my wang-mouthafied. I've mowed the lawn, pumped gas, fried eggs, but I've never taught an Advanced Potions class with Scarhead and Boy-Welfare. I salute you, Professor Snape, for doing your job, while having a job done to you. [Draco is utterly serious as he bows and raises his hand to his forehead.] SALUTE!

The Ladies Man [continues in his scientific manner]:But now it comes da hard part, like every good wang-to-mouth relationship, there comes a time to call it off. We all know that Professor Snape has had a hard time doing that. In fact, we often see him married to that creature.[Draco shudders at the thought.] But there is a very smooth way this can be done, which brings me to my third vignette: Yeah, that was nice, now you should get going. ACTION!

Ginny [with a scratchy, bossy voice]: Yeah, in case you were wondering, how I would, uh, change your teaching style...

The Ladies Man: Yeah, that was nice, you should get going. And FREEZE! Well, our potions master is quite a lover, but he's no Ladies Man, you must agree. [Audience roars loudly and Draco gives a sexy growl. He raises his glass and salutes them. His other hand creeps farther and farther up his co-star's thigh...]