The Ladies Man Skanksgiving

The Ladies Man Presents: Skanksgiving

Low Voice: OH YEAH! It's time for the Ladies Man!

Draco [wearing vintage silk shirt and leather vest. He sits in a mustard yellow chair, surrounded by peace candles, sipping Courvoisier. His white-blonde hair is curled into an afro. In heavily accented lisp, he begins]: I'm Draco Malfoy tha ladies man, and how ya'll doing tonight? [crowd applauds loudly]. Yeah...I'm good too cuz I've got my Courvoisier right here. I'm here to answer all your romantic queries...yeah...that sounds good.

Caller 1 [In a voice that sounds vaguely like Percy Weasley]: Yeah hello ladies man ah yeah I've been with my girlfriend a few years now and we like to have sex and all but...

The Ladies Man [large smile]: Well dat sounds good to me...

Caller 1: Yeah it gets kinda boring so is there anyway we could ah spice up our love life?

The Ladies Man: Well yeah there are a number of possibilities that ah you can pursue. Ah might I suggest you consider the butt [Caller 1 hangs up, the Ladies Man is puzzled] hello... alright then, well I'm gonna take a sip off this Courvoisier then cuz its getting chilly in here.

The Ladies Man [playful grin]: Next caller.

Caller 2 [nervous female voice, sounds an awful lot like Ginny Weasley]: Hi ladies man

The Ladies Man: Ooohh it's a Lady

Caller 2: Ladies Man, I get so lonely over the holidays...I sometimes think of taking my own life.

The Ladies Man [face pleasant and unaffected]: Well, dat is good...

Caller 2: NO! I'm lonely and miserable.

The Ladies Man: Oohh, dat is not good. Umm, But I think that I can help...Let me ask you a question. Do you weigh in excess of two-hundred-fity pounds?

Caller 2: No...

The Ladies Man: Well, dat is wonderful, cuz you qualify to participate in my annual Thanksgiving Day Dinner for all ladies who are lonely and under two-hundred and fity pounds. I likes to call it, Draco's Skanksgiving Day Dinner. There will be a delicious turkey like loaf, suitcases of fine beer, and many skanks, such as yourself, in attendance.

The Ladies Man [winks and smiles]: Next caller.

Caller 3 [In an aggressive voice]: Hey, Ladies Man! I don't even want to celebrate Thanksgiving this year! All my family does is fight!

The Ladies Man [tearing up]: Aw, well, now, don't say that. You know...Thanksgiving is a time to put aside your petty arguments and come together and enjoy each others company...[stumbles over words] Because basically, even though yous grown apart [tears threatening to pour down his face] you're still a family, and family's so important...cuz

Caller 3: Ladies Man? Are you alright?

The Ladies Man [snaps back to usual smirking self in an instant]: Yeah, I'm alright. It's just that you know, you reminded me of a Thanksgiving from my past....and it was not good. You see, I shot my father during thanksgiving dinner...yeah, you know, he was not acting very cool. So I shot him with one of the three guns I always bring to Thanksgiving dinner. He did not die but he now has just one arm... Mmkay?

The Ladies Man: Next caller, aight?

Caller 4: Uh, hi, um, my girlfriend broke up with me, and I was wondering if there were any ways I could be more romantic...you know, so I don't mess up when I'm going on dates. I'm sort of new to the whole dating scene romance thing...

The Ladies Man: Nothin says romance more than two naked ladies humpin [crowd applauds rowdily]

Caller 4 [bewildered]: Uh, no, I meant, things like flowers and chocolates. Girls like that...

The Ladies Man [equally bewildered]: Dat is weird...Ah...might I suggest that you try lowering your standards when looking for ladies cuz really we would all like to date a super model or a fine lady like, ah, Ms. Molly Weasley [pulls out a picture of a plump Molly Weasley, gazes at her longingly] but ah that might not always be possible and that is why God invented the skank...

Caller 4 [frustrated]: I just WANT advice if I ever take a girl to dinner and a movie!

The Ladies Man: Ummm...right, when you said dinner what I think you meant was

dat you'd be having sex with this federal prison skank...and um, when you said movie you meant I'd be video taping it. [Smiles a takes a sexy sip of Courvoisier, Caller 4 hangs up.]

The Ladies Man: Well, dats all for tonight. I would like to thank Mizz Molly Weasley for arousing me tonight. I can assure you that as soon as ah this show is over I will be getting it on with someone or something... I don't want to get into the particulars of this, but um...lets just say it involves a bottle of Courvoisier a couple of bus station skanks and a pay toilet.

Low Voice: Next time. OH YEAH! The Ladies Man Presents Professor Snape and Hermione Granger...yeah dat is cool.