Snape's Worst Day

Ch. 5: The Mysterious Miss January

It was study period for all the students of Hogwarts. At this time of day the libraries teemed with students of all ages scurrying about the long corridors whilst whispering to one another in hushed voices.

Rumors of what had happened to Professor Snape had spread like wildfire throughout the school. Whispers, giggles and snorts of laughter could be heard throughout the long corridors of books as the escapades of the cursed Professor Snape were retold, with each new telling becoming more spectacular than the last. This was an accomplishment, that the great Fred and George Weasley themselves tipped their hats towards the mystery prankster. It was a prank that would be sure to go down in student lore as the most spectacular prank ever to be successfully pulled on a Professor.

Only two students did not find Snape's situation very funny.

Hidden behind a stack of books (courtesy of Hermione) Harry Potter was having difficulty concentrating on his Charms essay. He nervously chewed on the end of his quill while his mind wandered to speculate on which he dreaded most.

"I'll bet that it was Padfoot," he muttered, shoving the stack of books away so that he could be visible to his friends.

"How can you be so sure?" Hermione replied without ever looking up from her book.

Harry scratched his head. "I don't know, I just know that it must be him! For one thing, pulling this kind of a prank on a professor is liable to get a student expelled, or a teacher fired. Padfoot does not run that risk."

"Oh come on!" Ron rolled his eyes. "Even if it were Padfoot, why would you care? It's just part of the never-ending squabble between those two. It's not hurting anybody." Harry frowned. "Even so, I want to find out myself. Padfoot might have gone too far this time." Harry pushed himself up from the table and turned to leave.

"Harry!" Hermione placed her book down. "Are you going to talk to Remus?"

"Yeah, I want to talk to him alone this time." Harry gave his friends a halfhearted wave. "See you around."

Hermione and Ron exchanged looks as Harry turned to leave, then shrugged and returned to their studying.

Meanwhile, at the other side of the Library....

Draco Malfoy was having difficulty reading chapter 14 of Famous Witches and Wizards. His mind wandered back to earlier that day in Potions class, where Professor Snape had been humiliated in front of the entire classroom.

"Those bastards!" he hissed for the umpteenth time that day. How dare someone curse his favorite teacher with a gender spell! Such a horrible ploy was liable to get someone expelled... or, he thought with a smirk, fired.

"It must be that imposter Lupin!" Draco elbowed Crabbe who was seated next to him. "There is not a student in Hogwarts that has the balls to curse Professor Snape in such a way, so it has to be a teacher!"

"But how do you figure it's Professor Lupin that cursed Professor Snape?" Goyle asked slowly.

Draco smacked Goyle upside the head. "I told you not to call that werewolf Professor! He does not deserve such a title!" Draco settled back into his seat and put his fingers together in thought. "Lupin is the only teacher that has a grudge against Professor Snape. It's only logical, for it was Professor Snape who exposed Lupin for what he is two years ago."

Goyle scratched his head in puzzlement. "And what's that?"

"Arrgh! You two are complete imbeciles!" Draco slid out of his chair. "I'm going to see Professor Snape. I'm going to get to the bottom of this without your help."

Crabbe and Goyle watched Draco leave the library in silence, then Crabbe turned to Goyle in disbelief.

"Professor Lupin's a werewolf?"

***

Albert Perkins tapped his fingers impatiently on the Potions Teacher's desk. He was a middle-aged man of medium build, neither very handsome nor extremely ugly. Perkins looked the part of the typical 'Used Broom Salesman' (which actually was his proud profession.) Perkins had short blond hair greased and smartly slicked back, quick gray eyes that darted around for any chance of opportunity, and a sharp face that reminded one of a slippery weasel. He wore a red vest underneath his tasteless brown plaid robes, which had matching pants. All in all, Albert Perkins portrayed the very essence of the stereotypical sleazy Used Broom Salesman in both appearance and manner.

Perkins had been waiting for fifteen minutes already, and was becoming very cross. "The nerve of that man!" he thought with a scowl. "Does he think that he is superior over me? He's merely a school teacher! I run my own business for Merlin's sake! How dare he! I shall write a complaint to the Ministry on Snape's incompetence!" Perkins grumbled bad-temperedly, then jumped when the door of the office suddenly flew open.

A swirl of midnight black robes followed which faintly carried the scent of sweet-smelling herbs. Before Perkins knew it, the Professor in question was seated in the desk across from him. Perkins gawked at the creature before him. Lineus had never said that his teacher was a woman! "And not just any woman...." Perkins' eyes widened in shock. "It can't be!"

"All right, let's begin." Snape opened a drawer in the desk and began to flip through some papers. Perkins watched her every movement intently. He indeed recognized her! The silky black hair, the milk white skin, and the strong features of her face could only belong to one woman. "Miss January!" Perkins breathed. He was the most devoted fan of PlayWizard Magazine's most mysterious lingerie model.

"Pardon?" Snape looked up.

"Uh, nothing!" Perkins gulped. Snape raised an eyebrow then turned back to paper browsing, and found the paper she was searching for. "You are the father of Lineus Perkins, am I not right?" she asked.

"Not really," Perkins replied. "I am his guardian--his unmarried uncle actually. His parents passed away during the war, you see."

He smiled at the word "unmarried."

Snape glanced at the paper with one eyebrow raised. "So you are. Your handwriting is barely legible."

"I can't believe Miss January is the Potions Teacher at Hogwarts!" Perkins thought gleefully. It was a dream come true for him. Some said that Miss January was no great beauty; her somewhat cold expressions in the photographs tended to unnerve most people. Albert Perkins disagreed. To him she seemed to radiate a strong will and dominance in her personality that he found very alluring and sexy. She had never disclosed her true name, preferring to be anonymous for the sake of being left unbothered for her real-world job. Finding that Miss January was working at Hogwarts was a treasure that Albert Perkins had never dreamed of discovering!

"Mr. Perkins!" "Miss January" snapped.

Perkins jumped at being caught daydreaming. "I'm sorry Miss, I was merely looking."

Snape's eye twitched, but said nothing. She cleared her throat. "Very well then. Now what seems to be the trouble with your nephew?"

"My nephew?" Perkins blinked.

"Lineus Perkins."

"What about him?"

"He seems to be failing Potions. I suspect that he is not studying enough."

"Then he should study!"

"That he should." Snape replied curtly and shoved the paper back into the drawer. "Then we have no more to talk about. Good day, Mr. Perkins."

Albert Perkins was stunned. Over? So soon? This could not happen! "NO!" Perkins jumped up, causing Severus to pause.

"I-I-" A dreamy look came over Perkins' face. "Your potions are fascinating."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"But can you bottle the essence of passion?" Perkins grinned what he hoped was a sexy smile.

"Huh?" The pickup line was so bad that it took a minute to register in Snape's brain. Then her eyes widened in both shock and fear. "Are you hitting on me?"

Perkins decided to turn the "Ole Albert Perkins Charm" up to full scale. "Why yes, I am, how perceptive of you" he growled.

Snape was so disgusted that she did not know what to say, then realized that Perkins was leaning very, very close over the desk. Severus jerked away, trying desperately not to panic. "I--uhhh... have to go now!"

"Why? This is an hour-long appointment. You're booked, baby!" Perkins rose from his seat.

"I'd rather not." Severus had edged over to her private stock of potions. She knew that there was no easy escape; the door had magic automatic self-locks to keep away intruders. Ironically, the intruder was locked in with a magicless Snape. While still facing Perkins, Snape fumbled for the right flask from behind her back.

"I know your secret." Perkins smirked.

Snape froze. Could Perkins know that she had been attending Death Eater meetings? Or that she was posing as one? Or that she was Dumbledore's secret spy?!? "I don't know what you are talking about," she replied neutrally.

Perkins whipped out the magazine clipping that he always carried with him. "I know who you really are... MISS JANUARY!!!"

Snape blinked at the picture of a witch modeling skimpy black leather lingerie, wearing fishnet stockings and stiletto heels, then became furious. "You thick-brained dunderhead! You think I would EVER sink so low as to do THAT?!" Snape snarled, then her hand grasped a familiar bottle: the highly un-useful 'Shard Acid potion' that was made for removing splinters of both wood and stone.

"We all have secret fetishes!" Perkins leaped a surprising distance and closed the gap between them, their faces merely inches apart. "But I only have one secret passion, and that is for you!" His eyes began to glow in a weird way that reminded Snape of glowing fungi in caves. Perkins then snatched Snape's hand.

"Miss January, my love!" Perkins gushed. "Will you go out with me?"

Severus smacked away the hand. "When Hell freezes over, you twit!" she snarled.

Perkins face grew determined. "Then let me show you how I can turn up the heat!"

"Oh, Merlin's balls!" Snape thought.

* * *

"Padfoot!"

Sirius Black was trotting down the hallways of Hogwarts in his dog-form when he heard the voice of his godson behind him. Turning, he wagged his tail happily in hopes that Harry could put him into a better mood. All hopes of that happening became moot when Sirius saw the scowl on his godson's face.

"I thought that I would find you here!" Harry kneeled down to face his godfather eye-to-eye. "Going down to the dungeons are you? How could you do that to Professor Snape? Especially when we're all trying to get along!"

If only Sirius could tell Harry all the guilt he felt, especially now after learning that Snape might be stuck as a Muggle woman forever. Padfoot whined and looked away.

Harry sighed. "At least you feel bad for what you have done." Padfoot licked Harry's face.

Both Sirius and Harry jumped when they heard an ear-splitting shriek rise from the dungeons. The shriek was hardly masculine, and carried the definite high note that only a female throat could produce. Both Harry and Sirius exchanged looks of realization.

"Snape!" Harry cried. "We'd better go find help!"

Harry was unaware that Snape could not use his magic. Sirius barked and jumped up and down frantically in front of Harry. Muggle or not, Hogwarts could be a dangerous place if one was not equipped with magic, and Sirius could only imagine the horrors that Snape kept in his office.

"We have to help him now?" Harry's eyes widened, he was confused as to why Sirius was becoming so frantic for Snape's sake, but Harry trusted his godfather's judgment. As fast as they could, both Padfoot and Harry raced for the door leading towards the dungeons.

***

Like Harry and Sirius, Draco had heard the shriek as well.

"Professor Snape!" Draco gasped. "He's in trouble!" The young Malfoy ran towards the nearby painting of centaurs relaxing by a pool. Draco whipped out his wand and tapped the tail of a brown spotted centaur. "Slytherins are really groovy." Draco then scrambled into the secret passage that appeared. The secret passage dated back to his father's school days, which explained the outdated slang used in the password.

Draco never liked to use the secret passage leading towards the dungeons; he found the grimy stone walls to be far too low for the sake of his perfect hair. Upon hearing his teacher's cry of distress, Draco deemed that the situation called for extreme measures. It was a sacrifice that Draco hoped never to repeat again.

***

Upon arriving at the Potions office door, Sirius transformed into his original form and tried the door handle. "Locked!" Sirius turned towards Harry. "Give it a go with your wand."

Harry pulled out his wand. "Alohomora!"

Nothing happened.

"It didn't work?" Sirius could hear the sounds of yelling and struggling behind the door.

His face taut with concentration, Harry tried again. And again. All to no avail.

"Forget it, Alohomora won't work on this door." Sirius whipped out his homemade magical lock-pick kit from his pocket. "We'll just have to do it the Muggle way."

"Ah-HA! I should've known!"

Both Sirius and Harry froze at the sound of Draco's voice behind them. They both turned to see a glaring grime-coated Draco, his wand drawn and pointing at them.

"I should have known that Harry Potter was involved in all of this! And to think that Sirius Black is your cohort! The Ministry will be throwing the both of you into Azkaban for sure!"

Careful, Malfoy." Harry gritted his teeth. "I'm warning you--"

Another loud shriek emitted from Snape's office.

"Sweet Morrigan! I hope he's not freaking out over a spider or something." Sirius fixed his eyes on Draco. "Look, we can stand here all day playing standoff or we can help Snape. Only I can open the doors." Sirius gestured at his lock-pick kit.

Draco eyed Black suspiciously. "Fine, but I'll be watching the both of you!" Draco pointed his wand right between Harry's eyes.

"Charming child, just like his father," Sirius thought grimly as the lock clicked open. "You two better stay behind me."

Without a moment's hesitation, Sirius burst through the door--and was greeted with one of the strangest sights that he has ever seen: A greasy middle-aged man was practically crawling all over Snape, his face puckered up for a kiss. Snape on the other hand, was pressed against the desk and was holding the Used-Broom-Salesman back with both a foot and one hand, a flask of Shard Acid potion grasped in her one free hand.

Sirius, Draco and Harry all stared at the strange scene before them, too dumbfounded for words.

Then a broad grin broke over Sirius' features. "Oh my, Snape! I didn't realize that you were getting busy with someone."

Severus bared her teeth at Black. "What are you gawking at, you idiots!" she cried at the three of them. "Do something!" Perkins did not seem to notice the intruders.

Sirius chortled. "Sure Snape, whatever you say. I'm just going to point my finger at you and laugh my bloody arse off." He did just that.

"HA HA HA HA! Snapie has a boyfriend! HA HA HA--" *CLUNK!* "OWW!" Sirius grasped his forehead in pain, Severus had thrown the flask of Shard Acid potion at him, which had bounced off his forehead. It was only after Snape had thrown the potion did she realize what she had done.

Only Draco and Harry had the sense to jump back into the hallway, both Snape and Black could only watch in horror as the bottle gracefully fell in a sort of slow-motion, and shattered into a thousand pieces on the floor, spraying blue liquid everywhere in the tiny office.

It sizzled on the floor for a moment or two, in which both Snape and Black looked at each other in realization at what was about to befall them.

*CR~ACK!*

"Oh bloody He-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLL!" They both cried as the floor beneath them gave way, and the entire office floor collapsed within itself, taking everything and everyone with it to the dark depths below.

~~~~~~~~Oh my, what could possibly be in the dark depths below? You shall soon find out! A short comic featuring the confrontation between Snape and Perkins will be posted soon, OWL me if you would like me to notify you when it is posted. Feedback is greatly appreciated!