Snape's Worst Day

Snape was unable to find a cure for his body in time, and now must teach a class in a very undignified way. Oh, and there is a spot of mutiny in the classroom...

Ch. 3: Mutiny in the Classroom

For once, every single Gryffindor and Slytherin student anticipated the arrival of Professor Snape to begin class.

Sporting a cheeky grin, Seamus Finnigan leaned over to whisper into Ron Weasley's ear. "Five Galleons that he'll make a hot chick."

Ron started and made a disgusted face at Seamus. "This is SNAPE we're talking about!" he cried.

Harry Potter gave them both a strange look.

"And an extra quid that he wears a bra!"

"You're on!" Ron shook with Seamus. Harry looked like he was about to throw up.

"Oh please!" Hermione Granger who overheard the bet, slammed her potion book shut. "It is only a rumor! Besides, I'd doubt that he would show up in class today if he really were--"

Hermione was cut off by the sound of the two doors bursting open and a whirl of black robes striding through. The entire classroom went silent upon the Potion Teacher's sudden entrance.

Severus Snape flew past the students with such speed that Harry was not able to get a close look at his face. As far as Harry could tell, there was no apparent difference in Snape; he seemed to be his usual bitter self. Upon reaching the front teacher's desk, Snape spun around to face the class.

Harry's breath caught in his throat. His green eyes widened with both surprise and shock. 'This... can't be Snape!' Harry thought. 'She looks so,' Harry struggled to find a word to describe his teacher. 'Attractive?'

Professor Snape's body retained the same structure as before, the pale skin and shoulder length greasy black hair remained, but for some reason those features seemed to enhance this new appearance. The more obvious changes were in the face: which was less sallow, and the contours softer and more feminine. The famous nose did not look so prominent, and the lips were fuller and had a faint hint of color that no one seemed to notice before, but the most damning evidence was hiding under Snape's stubbornly crossed arms.

The very sour-looking-but-somewhat-attractive Snape felt eyes resting on the area in question, and felt her face begin to go red. "Now class..." she growled in what she hoped to be her most masculine voice. "Today's lesson will be creating a simple Healing potion for mild burns." Black eyes scoured the room, resting briefly on Harry who looked away (Snape failed to notice the small blush on his face, or on any of the male students for that matter who seemed to share Harry's observations - which coincidently was all of them.)

"In addition, a five page essay on this assignment will be due tomorrow, detailing the history of medicinal potions for burn treatments." Snape inwardly smiled at the faint groans throughout the classroom. Creating a potion for mild burns was a task better suited for first year students rather than fifth years, but Snape's idea was to give a short simple lesson that will allow class to end early, and she was not about to let the students get off so easily with such a simple lesson. She glared at the class. "By the way, if I so much as hear a PEEP from any student." A warning glance was shot at Draco Malfoy, who was sniggering with his cronies Crabbe and Goyle until the glare reached them. "I'm in a very cross mood today." Snape growled. "Not a sound, do you hear?"

There was an awkward silence, Severus still felt eyes resting on her crossed arms. "Well? GET ON WITH IT!" she barked, making the students jump and immediately set about their lesson.

As Snape was in a foul mood for being forced to teach today, every opportunity was taken to exploit any errors that a student made--not even the Slytherins were safe from her wrath.

"Miss Parkinson! If you really want to burn that acne off your nose, you need to use two tablespoons of woundwort, not one."

"Mr. Finnigan! Never pay attention do you? The instructions say to mash the roots, not chop them up! If you would rather chop something off, let it be your hand, it seems clumsy enough."

"Potter! Nose picking is not allowed in my class, unless you would rather have that powdered salamander phlegm you're handling to go straight up to your brain and do us all a favor and make you brain-dead."

"Malfoy!" Severus strode over to Draco, who was about to launch a magically charged paper airplane at Ron. Snape glowered at him. "Explain yourself Malfoy!"

"Er." Draco's attention was distracted by something on the professor's shoulder. Snape followed Draco's gaze to the exposed black bra strap, where the wide neckline of the oversized robe had fallen over one shoulder.

Severus turned slightly red with both anger and embarrassment. "Ten points from Slytherin."

Malfoy snapped back into attention. "Huh? What for?" he cried, he was unused to the injustice that Snape loved to pound on the other houses.

"For being your own miserable self." Snape growled and hastily readjusted her collar with one hand. Dumbledore had insisted that she should wear those ridiculous commodities, due to school regulation code #328: All female staff members must wear restraining undergarments to protect the student body's morals.

The old oversized robe was from the much burlier Madam Hooch, the bra from McGonagall, (whom by the look on her face upon handing the garment over, looked as if she would rather burn it than don it ever again after being used by Snape.) Snape's new body was not as small as McGonagall's, so the offensive garment pinched and itched in odd places. Better to distract herself from the scratchy lace before it drove her mad with the urge to itch the offending area and reveal her new appendages to the entire classroom.

Her eyes fell on Longbottom. Ah, now there's a rewarding distraction! Catching the icy glare directed at him, Neville shrank back into his seat as Professor Snape approached.

"Longbottom!"

"Yes?" Neville squeaked.

"Why is your potion not orange?" Snape indicated to Neville's brown potion with a glance.

"I-I'm not sure."

"Reeeeeally?" Severus sneered, reveling in the opportunity to vent the full extent of her wrath on a student. "Once more you proved how incompetent you are at reading directions for a simple brew that a first year could perform."

Neville averted his eyes and mumbled.

"What was that, Longbottom?"

Neville jumped. "I-I'm sorry Ma'am!" he blurted without any thought.

The class went deathly still. Neville squeaked and tried to unsuccessfully sink into his chair. "I fail to see Mr. Longbottom," Snape hissed through clenched teeth, "how you came to such a conclusion."

Neville was speechless with fear, only the small sound of his whimpering could be heard. Then amazingly, someone snorted with laughter.

Snape spun around and was shocked to find Hermione Granger as the source, who was covering her mouth in an attempt to stifle her laughter.

"Miss Granger!" Severus seethed. "What do you find that is so damn funny?" Anger was no longer hidden in the Professor's voice.

Hermione tried to put on a serious face, but her cheeks were still flushed with mirth. "Well, technically Professor, Neville had every right to call you by that title."

Snape's black eyes narrowed at Hermione. "Fifty points from Gryffindor, and detention Miss Granger."

"On what basis?" Hermione narrowed her eyes at Snape (who was taken aback by this sudden show of rebellion.) "It's not my fault for your sudden gender change, nor for your insecurity about your body."

Incredibly, there were a few mummers of agreement.

"Besides," The normally silent Lavender Brown spoke up. "That was a very sexist behaviour display Professor. You acted very biased towards your female body, that sets a bad example for all of us girls."

All of the Gryffindor females (and to Snape's shock, most of the Slytherin ones) nodded their heads in agreement, giving their teacher looks of disapproval.

"H-How was it sexist?" Snape stammered, somewhat confused.

"You treated your new female body as inferior to your male body." Hermione scowled at the professor. "As a role model and teacher, your duty is to set moral and self-evaluating rules for us to integrate into our personalities. By your display of insecurity towards your fully developed female body, us adolescent girls might feel insecure of our own developing bodies. As a result, low self-esteem and self-doubt might dominate our developing mentality and personalities."

"My self-esteem has taken a blow!" Pansy Parkinson of Slytherin sniffed. "I might have to seek psychiatric treatment when I'm middle aged!"

"I feel insecure about puberty!" Parvati Patil of Griffindor wailed.

"I don't respect women as much as I used to," Draco Malfoy muttered with eyes downcast.

"Your display of prejudice has lowered us boys' morale," Harry Potter said, the males from both houses nodded in agreement.

Snape couldn't believe what was happening, the entire classroom had turned against him on the basis of mutual agreement! Snape glowered at the students. For the first time in her life, she felt as if he had lost all power in the classroom.

"Ma'am?" Pansy Parkinson raised her hand. "Are you feeling well? You look a little ill."

Snape was quivering like a volcano about to erupt, but it was Potter's remark that caused her to explode.

"Maybe it's 'that time of the month.'"

"SHUTUP YOU MISERABLE TWITS!" Snape shrieked, her fists beating the air in fury, all control lost. "I am NOT a woman! I am a MAN! So LAYOFF!!!"

For a long time, the classroom was silent. The only sound was Snape's heavy breathing while bloodshot eyes flickered madly around the room, daring for someone to speak.

Then slowly, a hand rose.

"What is it Granger?" Snape spat.

"Um, Professor?" She began uncertainly. "Your uh, bra came undone."

Snape glanced down, and realized in its utter floppiness, the two-sizes-too-small brassiere had busted loose. With a final exasperated howl, she bolted out the dungeon and into the corridor, determined to strangle the man responsible for everything: Lupin!

Back in the Potions classroom, Ron Weasley broke into a grin and held out his hand to Seamus Finnegan. "Remember, you promised an extra quid. Pay up Seamus!"

Seamus grumbled and handed the coins over to Ron.

* * *

"I commend you Sirius! This is quite possibly one of your finest pranks ever pulled. But really, it was a little extreme. Even for you." Remus Lupin pushed a cup of steaming tea towards his guest.

Sirius Black smiled at his friend, then accepted the cup of tea offered to him. "I cannot say yet, Remus." He avoided the chipped edges on the cup and sipped. He smiled, savoring both the sweet taste of the tea and of the trick he had played. "I must see results firsthand before I can judge!"

Lupin cocked his head towards a distant sound. "Well then, here's your chance!"

Sirius sighed at the sound of running feet quickly approaching the door. He placed the teacup down. "It had to happen sometime." He swiveled his chair around to face the office door.

The doors burst open, Snape flew in. "LUPIN!" The female Snape's face was face of fury.

Remus Lupin placed his teacup down calmly. "Welcome Severus! Join us for tea?" He motioned to the chair next to Sirius.

Severus then suddenly noticed Sirius Black in the occupied chair, her jaw dropped open in shock. Sirius gave her a little wave and a grin. Snape pointed a finger a Black and sputtered.

"Yes, yes, Snape." Sirius cut in before Snape could throw another tantrum. "I was the one who sent you that letter and the little surprise inside it. Happy April Fools!"

Severus slowly lowered her hand, a calm expression softened upon her features. "I should have known, Black." She growled and walked over to the empty chair and seated herself. The blank expression still persisting.

Sirius was suddenly unnerved by this unexpected change of attitude, he was prepared for a more violent confrontation. A composed Severus Snape was the last thing he was expecting.

Lupin broke the awkward silence. "So Sirius, why don't you break the spell now?"

Sirius shook his head. "I can't. This is only a temporary curse. It should disappear within two hours after taking effect."

"Ah, but I have been under its influence for over four hours." Snape brushed the hair out of her eyes (and Black was struck by how fetching she looked, before mentally kicking himself. Apparently, he was falling under the same spell as the male Gryffindor and Slytherin students had fallen earlier). "Madam Pomfrey examined my condition." Snape continued, unaware of Black's inner thoughts, and fixed him with a glare. "She has concluded that the deterioration levels are non-existent."

Sirius started. "How can that be? The chances of that happening are a thousand to one! Surely this can't mean..." He looked sheepishly at Snape, whose icy stare was boring holes.

"Oops," Sirius muttered.

Lupin sighed and stood up from his chair. "I believe a word with Professor Dumbledore is in order. Perhaps he could resolve this mess." With a flick of his wand, the empty teacups and other breakables in the room flew into high reaching cupboards and shelves. "Make yourselves at home." Lupin said before leaving his office.

The door closed shut. Then a tense silence between Snape and Black.

"Oops?" Snape repeated, her voice dripping with venom.

Black laughed nervously. "Hey, it's April Fool's! I didn't expect it to turn out like this! Can't you take a joke Snape?

Snape's eyes turned murderous, she rose out of her seat. "NO!"

~~~~~~~~~~~