Snape's Worst Day

Ch.2: Suspicions Arise

The scream could be heard throughout the entire castle. Students and teachers alike curiously popped their heads out from classrooms to see what the commotion was about. Headmaster Dumbledore led the way down to the dungeons, and was followed by a band of teachers with Professor McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey closely trailing behind.

"It came from Severus's office!" Madam Pomfrey had to hold on to her oversized Mediwitch hat as she glided down the corridors. "I knew his meddling with potions would get him blasted someday!"

"Now now, Poppy." Dumbledore pushed his half-moon spectacles farther up on his nose. "Let us not jump to conclusions. Perhaps he was just frightened by a rat--"

"Snape? Afraid of a rat!" Madam Hooch snorted.

"--After all, it IS April first," Dumbledore finished, trying to cover up the amusement in his voice at Madam Hooch's suggestion. "We all know how jumpy his is on this day."

"Jumpy is an understatement!" Professor Flitwick huffed as he tried to keep stride with the other teachers.

Argus Filch grinned sadistically. "A bit more like paranoia if you ask me!" he said to Mrs. Norris, who blinked her red eyes in agreement.

All conversation ceased when the party reached the door to Professor Snape's office. Dumbledore tapped the door politely.

"Severus? Are you there?"

A long pause. No answer. Then Dumbledore knocked more forcefully.

* * *

*BAM BAM BAM* "Severus?" Are you alright? Answer me Severus!"

Snape awoke with a start. "I'm fine!" he snapped without thinking.

"What! Who are you? Where is Severus? Explain yourself!"

Oops. Snape had not realized that his voice had gone up a few bars on the music chart. "Uh, everything's perfectly fine Headmaster!" Snape shouted back in his deepest voice.

"What have you done to Severus!" McGonagall's voice demanded angrily. Other voices sounded in the background, Snape's heart sank when he recognized those belonging to other members of the staff.

"Intruder!" Dumbledore's voice boomed. "If you will not peaceably show yourself, then I shall have to resort to negotiation!"

'Oh bollocks!' thought Snape. He knew all about Dumbledore's so called 'negotiations.' He scrambled under his desk just barely in time.

"BLASTARIO!!!"

The door exploded, Dumbledore and staff poured into the tiny office to corner the stranger huddled under the desk, who poked her face out to scowl a very familiar scowl at them.

"S-Severus?" Dumbledore lowered his wand and raised his eyebrows in surprise.

Snape scowled even more, and reluctantly crawled out from under the desk, all the while trying to flatten the pair of female appendages against his folded arms.

"Well, it looks like some student finally got you Severus." Dumbledore chuckled. He was shortly followed by Professor McGonagall, then by Madam Hooch. Soon everyone (except a foul looking Snape) was rolling on the ground with laughter.

"Do you mind?" Snape growled.

"Ho ho ho ho! Pardon me Severus!" Dumbledore wiped a tear of merriment from his eye. "What a splendid prank! Have you any idea of who did this to you?"

"Obviously not a student." Snape's eyes flickered suspiciously to the laughing staff.

"Yes, I agree." Dumbledore picked up the opened envelope and tapped it once. "Reveal your sender!" he commanded. The envelope folded itself into a mouth with a tongue spitting at Dumbledore before it fluttered to the ground.

"Hmm." Dumbledore picked it up, noting the sickly orange aura that radiated from it. "Well, that settles it." Dumbledore pocketed the empty envelope and smiled at Snape. "He or she prefers to remain anonymous."

"If you don't mind then." Snape pushed himself through the crowd of jeering staff members. "I'm off to create myself an antidote."

"Good luck Severus!" Dumbledore chuckled, noting the red in Snape's face as the potions teacher tried to preserve what dignity that he had left while making a run for the Library.

* * *

"MERLIN'S BEARD!!!" Snape screeched at the top of his... err, HER lungs. For the last two hours, she had torn through the Library's entire section of 'Unusual Hexes and Spells' in search of an ailment for her curse, and found nothing!

"Bloody hell!" Snape kicked the bookcase in anger--and only succeeded in stubbing her toe. News had gone from bad to worse after she was examined by Madam Pomfrey, who concluded that the curse revealed unpredictable deterioration levels. Meaning that if left alone, the curse on Severus Snape could remain effective for as long as the next minute or up until the day she died.

Thus, a forcible solution had to be found soon, her next class started in two hours (Slytherin and Gryffindor no less) And she would rather face them without any tell-tale lumps bulging from her waistcoat.

That seemed unlikely to happen within the time limit.

Snape growled at the memory of the faculty laughing their fat arses off at her expense. She gritted her teeth and pulled out a little black notebook. All their names will be added to the hit list of 'Secretly Inflict with Sprouting Wart Potion.'

Severus read the list out loud as she wrote them down: "McGonagall. Hooch. Sprout. Flitwick. Pomfrey. And finally Filch and his stupid cat!" Scanning over the list, Snape checked for the names of teachers that were not on the list. She felt relieved to see Lupin's name was not included. He never would let Snape forget this day.

The notebook fell out of Snape's nerveless hands, clattering to the floor as realization hit. "LUPIN!" She hissed, and shot off towards 'Defense Against the Dark Arts' classroom faster than a speeding snitch.

* * *

"Now fifth years, I would like to discuss the properties of mandrake's teeth." Remus Lupin waved his wand over the blackboard. Chalk pieces magically floated up and began to draw the anatomy of a mandrake mouth. "Who can tell me what mandrake's teeth have traditionally been used for in a protection charm?" Not a single student raised their hand. Lupin smiled gently at the class. "Has no one read the reading assignment?" He pointed to a small boy in the back of the classroom who had hesitantly raised his hand. "Yes, Mr. Livingston?"

Before the boy was able to speak, the doors of the DADA classroom flew open with a 'BANG!' All eyes turned to the fuming woman standing at the entrance.

"YOU!" The woman shrieked and pointed at Lupin (who raised a single eyebrow in question) "YOU did this!" The woman advanced, still pointing accusingly at the teacher.

Lupin coughed politely. "Madam, I'm sure that there must be some mistake. I believe that we have not met before."

"Stow the gullibility you git!" she retorted, scowling. "Transform me back RIGHT now or I swear I'll make you suffer horrendously!"

Lupin scratched his head as he looked the woman up and down. She was of a lanky figure, more sleek than slender. Her clothes fitted her awkwardly, as if they were too tight in some places and too lose in others. Her face was long and pale, but pretty in a striking sort of way. 'Would be pretty,' Lupin thought. 'If it weren't for that scowl.'

Scowl?

Lupin rubbed his temples at this realization, and also to hide the fact that he was chuckling.

"Well?" The female Severus Snape demanded, getting impatient in her fury.

'So it has finally happened.' Lupin thought with a small smirk. 'I'll just play along for now.'

"I don't know what you mean, young lady." Lupin replied in his lecturing voice, as if he were addressing a student. "If you need to ask a question, please see me after class. I'm sure you can see that I am preoccupied at the moment."

Snape bristled at the title 'young lady.' "You idot! Stop fooling around or I'll bash that flea ridden--:"

"MISS!" Lupin snapped, cutting her off. "I do not put up with verbal threats! I'm afraid that I must put you down for detention!"

That did it. Snape was now quivering with anger, her mouth twitching over silent words that can only be guessed to be death threats.

"Now Miss," Lupin took out a quill. "If I may have your name."

"It's ME, SNAPE you incompetent twit! Undo me NOW before I... uhhh."

Snape just then realized that they had an audience. Every single pair of eyes in the classroom were fixed on her, mouths opened slacked-jaw with disbelief.

Lupin made a show of smacking his forehead. "Oh! It is you Severus! I don't know how I could not have recognized--"

Before Lupin could finish his sentence, Snape was gone from the room, leaving behind a classroom full of laughing students and one Remus Lupin.

* * *

The cat was out of the bag, and now Severus Snape had to deal with the consequences. Half an hour had past, no doubt the Hufflepuffs in the classroom had related what they had witnessed to the other students. The information would have spread like wildfire throughout the entire school. Everyone, including Moaning Myrtle will know about Snape's predicament.

And it was all Lupin's fault! Snape gritted her teeth at the thought of her most hated faculty member. She rubbed her temples wearily and glanced at a nearby hallway clock. Little more than an hour remained before class starts, but how was she going to find a cure in time? She had looked in all of his books in her study...

A candle flashed over Snape's head. Her private studies have not been searched yet! Perhaps there's a recipe for a cure waiting to be found! She hastened her pace until she reached the safety of the empty dungeons, and to the entrance of her chambers. Snape waved her hand at the door casually. "Asp Venom." she muttered.

Nothing happened.

Snape stared hard at the chamber door. "Asp Venom!" she commanded in a louder voice.

A chime sounded on the door, then the static of a recorded message sounded. "Bzzt. Voice Verification invalid." said an overly polite female voice. "You shall now receive a mild shock for the attempt at a break-in. You. Incompetent. Student. Have a nice day!"

Snape's face contorted to that of fury. "It's ME you stupid door! Now let me--AHHHH!!!"

A bolt of electric magic shot out and struck Snape in the gut, knocking her over desks and chairs and shocking her.

"Grr!" Snape pulled out her wand, fully intending to blast the door away. "BLASTARIO!"

*Pzzt.poof!* The wand puffed out a single small cloud of smoke. Snape stared at it dumbly. Her magic did not work? How could this be?

"Bzzt. You have attempted another break-in. You shall now receive a shock of increased magnitude. You. Incompetent. Student. Have a nice day!"

Without a second thought, Snape scrambled for the exit, but not without receiving a few 'shocks of increased magnitude' in the rear end to help her out the door.

* * *

"So there appears to be a block on your powers?" Dumbledore mused. A thoroughly miserable (and thoroughly crispy) miserable Severus Snape nodded glumly.

"And you cannot enter your chambers?"

Snape nodded again.

"Well then, we'll have to find a solution soon, after you have class in the upcoming hour."

Snape started. "Headmaster! You can't be serious! I cannot expose myself like this to the students!"

"Oh, I'm perfectly serious Severus." Dumbledore raised an eyebrow at the female Snape. "There is no one to cover you today on such short notice. And besides, due to your little 'outburst' I doubt that the knowledge of your condition has not gone unnoticed by the student body."

Snape suddenly felt sick.

Dumbledore took note of Snape's fried state. "And you will need a change of clothes as well. Due to the quantity of hormonally charged male adolescents, I recommend garments that accommodate your body type."

Snape's eye twitched. "You mean--"

Dumbledore nodded.

Snape suddenly felt sicker.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*snicker* What could Dumbledore possibly mean? Find out next chapter! (Please R/R!)