Mary-Sue and the Bombastic Booty

Concluding
Part One: HARRY POTTER AND THE PANDORA'S BOX or MARY-SUE ARRIVES
we have...

CHAPTER FIVE

Harry's heart was in his feet as he walked up through the corridors of Hogwarts. He could tell because his circulation was terrible; he kept shivering and wringing his hands to keep them warm. That, and a dull depression slowly slithered over his psyche, snuffing out his hopes one by one like so many half-extinguished candles.

'Yes,' Harry thought, 'I've really done it now. Broken the bubble, as Artaud said.'
He was, actually, quite puzzled at what he had 'done.' When he had opened the Pandora's box, nothing happened. The room had remained empty and quiet, and as he strained to see in the darkness, Harry realized that there was nothing in the box whatsoever.

Still, as he had walked back through the third and second chambers, Harry realized something *had* changed, though he couldn't think what. It was almost as though a needle had suddenly dropped onto the world, causing a displacement of matter, of the center of gravity, and this would send everything spinning out of control. These images, of course, reminded him of his conversation with Artaud and the risks of 'breaking bubbles.'

'Are there really millions of Muggle eyes watching me?' Harry wondered. 'Is my story really rewritten ten-thousand times?'

When he had returned to the first chamber, Artaud was gone. Instead, a silvery ladder had risen into the darkness and, after climbing for what seemed like an eternity, Harry stood on the landing again. He had cast spells to shrink and hide the secret entrance and glumly set off toward the boys' dormitory.

'The voices are gone,' he mused, as he walked along. 'No more cold candles, no more wolves and stars, bludgers and Quaffles. No more Justin on a throne, thank God.'

And still everything seemed *not* *quite* *right*. More than ever the nighttime silence was oppressive, and Harry found himself hurrying toward his dormitory.
"Things are wrong in here. I've messed things up, and what is Artaud up to, and what can I do now to get Mary-Sue to notice me?"

Harry's angst was so heavy, and he groaned so under the burden, that he almost missed the voices coming from behind the cracked stone wall, guarded by a frowning gargoyle.

Harry knew this was the entrance to Dumbledore's office. Somewhere, up the spiral staircase and through the oak door, came the dim murmur of the Headmaster's voice, doubtlessly in council with a staff member or someone from the Ministry of Magic about the threat of the newly risen Dark Lord.

Harry's guilt, with the scorn of an insulted Hippogriff, turned on him and nipped him sharply in the temple.
"Ow!" cried Harry, reaching for his head, but accidentally clasping his heart instead.
'This is too much,' he thought. 'I can't go on like this. I'll tell Dumbledore. I'll tell him everything. About Artaud and the phoenix feathers... about the secret chambers and the Bildungsroman and the Pandora's Box... about my stepsister, and even about Mary-Sue. I can't go on like this: I have to tell him.'
And even while these thoughts ran through his head, Harry's hand absently drifted to his pocket, which was suddenly heavy with a set of keys and several neatly folded letters.

"Hello," he said, aloud. "What's this?"

The key ring was heavy and shiny brass with a red tassel, and he quickly recognized the twelve or thirteen keys as fitting in the Gryffindor portraits, common room entrances, closets, larders, pantries, and dormitories.
Almost as puzzling were the letters. For example, in the first, red ink on a gold sheet of parchment read:

Dear Mr. Potter,

Thank you once again for accepting the position as Prefect of Gryffindor House.
You will find just below a list of rooms in the Gryffindor area. Your keys provide you with access to all of these rooms.
You will also find, following, a list of passwords to all professor and staff offices. Please use these sparingly, and make sure to close all doors behind you.

Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

Now Harry was definitely puzzled. He doubted he could've been made into a prefect and forgotten or not noticed for weeks. In fact, he quite clearly remembered someone else leading the first-years through Hogwarts, telling them the passwords... or did he? 'Was it really me?' he thought. But Harry shook his head. 'Impossible!' He wasn't nearly qualified enough. Harry had his own problems to look after, and McGonagall certainly didn't consider him to be the most responsible fifth year student in Gryffindor. If Hermione hadn't been chosen, why on Earth would he?

Still, Harry couldn't argue with the letter in his hand, so distinctly written in McGonagall's hand. Nor could he dismiss the heavy ring of keys in his hand.

Baffled, but still resolved to speak with Dumbledore, Harry looked down the list of passwords for 'Headmaster's Office,' recited the words 'Nik'l Nip' and watched as the gargoyle stepped aside and the wall opened.

***

The other side of the wall was dark, and Harry had to maneuver carefully to make his way through the opening and onto the spiral staircase, humming away as it rose like an escalator. In moments, Harry stood at the top, squinting to make out the brass Griffin knocker on the oak office door. He had almost reached out to knock when he heard an unexpected voice from within.

'It's Snape,' Harry realized.

Curious what they could be talking about at such an hour, Harry put his ear to the door.

"It's quite impossible," Dumbledore was saying. "Severus, I can hardly believe what I am hearing. And from you of all people." "All the same," came Snape's silky, derisive response, "I have to ask you to respect my wishes. If I return to Voldemort... if I am to enter his ranks a third time, and risk my neck a third time, why... what I tell you now could be regarded as my last will and testament."

There was a long silence, and Harry held his breath. Then, a low moaning began, a soft groan, sad and dripping like greasy water, not unlike the mating call of the sea lions Harry had once heard at the London zoo.

"I'm dreaming of one kiss from you
A love long and true and
We'll go on and on and..."

It was Snape... singing!
To DUMBLEDORE!!!

Harry put his hand to his mouth in horror to keep from crying out. But the surprise only intensified as a new sound joined the keening of the lanky potions master. He was joined by a synthetic popping and strumming... several beats played in sharp succession, followed by a strange whistle.
Unable to resist, Harry put his eye to the keyhole and peered into the Headmaster's office.

Dumbledore stood against the wall, face pale, eyes wide, hands to his face. Snape, on the other hand, tangled in his robes and some strange tight black trousers, knelt over a keyboard device from which the electronic beats emanated. The Pensieve had been placed on the desk, but instead of sitting still, it emitted lights rapidly changing from hot pink to tropical orange to sky blue to striking violet, painting the whole room in a never ending cycle of hellish color. Harry's eyes strayed upward, and he saw the worst: three birds; a large snowy owl, a small young barn owl, and Fawkes all had green and white
cords around their necks. The cords trailed down and whenever, on the beat, Snape gave a tug, the creatures hooted, chirped, and whistled in a quivering melody that augmented Snape's already shaky baritone.

The potions master hesitated a moment, his face tight as if he'd just eaten a lemon, emotion and sweat splayed across his face; "yea-y-oooh...yea," he cried before continuing:

"I don't wanna hear that I'm too young
To know it's love that makes me feel this way
'Cause I don't have to feel the heat of the sun
To know it's shining on me every day,"

Snape's rhythm was jolted on every beat by his deep pelvic thrusts as he began to strut his way around the room.

"When it's warm outside
And the look in your eyes
Is longing to show me the way
No, no, I don't want to wait."

And at this, Harry knew without a doubt, that Snape was *not* using the editorial "me" and "you," oh no! No. He was talking to DUMBLEDORE!

Snape sang:

"Just one kiss from you, and suddenly
I see the road laid out in front of me"
(he held up his arm, on which the Dark Mark glittered menacingly)
"You gave me strength," (he flexed his biceps and triceps) "you give me hope" (he prayed on bended knee)
"When you hold me in your arms you make me whole" (embracing his own torso)
"And I don't know just what I would do
Without one kiss from you"

On that last line, Snape pointed at Dumbledore.

Harry could absolutely not watch this. He tore his eye away from the keyhole and stood with his back to the wall, straining his ears, though it really wasn't that hard to hear Snape's singing.

"I don't wanna hear my time will come
When it feels like it's already here
We should learn to walk before we run
But why go anywhere when you're so near
'Cause when I reach out to you
So sad and confused
And feeling like I could cry
You dry my eyes.
Just one kiss from you, and suddenly..."

Harry put his fingers in his ears.
'No! No! No! No! NO!' he was saying to himself. 'I'm dreaming I have to be dreaming!' But after pinching himself red and sore: 'They're drunk, they have to be drunk! Too much butterbeer! Or... it's a trap, they're trying to trick someone. Maybe me!'

Snape didn't sound like he was "acting," especially as he dropped the melody, and said, in his low, smoldering voice:

"I'm dreaming of one kiss from you
A love long and true
We'll go on and on and...
I'm looking for one kiss goodnight
To last all my life
On and on and..."

Harry shook his head. He began to descend the stairs. He turned back. He turned around again. He turned around again again. And the whole time, Snape's voice was growing hoarse... or husky...

"Just one kiss from you, and suddenly
I see the road laid out in front of me
You give me strength, you give me hope
And when you hold me in your arms
You make me whole
And I don't know what I would do
Without one kiss from you."

And as the synthetic beat died and the birds, apparently unconscious, ceased their cries, Snape's voice rumbled out, sharp and cold.

"I'm looking for one kiss goodnight
To last all my life."

Harry's eyes bent toward the keyhole one last time. He was still deciding whether to knock or not.

His look settled the question for him:
Just one glance at Snape's vindictive grin.
Just one glimpse of Dumbledore's flushed face.
Just one moment of: "Oh, Snape! Such a throbbing muscle of love!"

Harry turned and ran down the stairs, not caring how much noise he made. In fact, he ran all the way back to the Gryffindor boys' dormitory, not stopping even after he toppled a suit of armor. When he arrived, he cowered in his bed, muttering 'What have I done? What have I done? What have I done?' until the light turned gray and morning had come upon Hogwarts.