Love is Out to Get Me

Love is Out to Get Me - Part 3/4

It took eight days, eight of the same day, rather. Some of them were completely uninteresting, especially at first when Snape was obstinate and wouldn't act any differently than he did on The Day He Died. Weasley says that the only reason he started to cooperate is that he was tired of making Granger upset. If you ask me, Snape is just a bit slow on the uptake. We made it clear what we wanted him to do, and that we weren't backing down; it just took him a few days to realize we meant it. Anyway, I'd be lying if I told you there were no interesting bits, and those are the ones you'll hear.

Now, I told you Snape started acting nice. After two days of rows in the staff room and nastiness in the Hospital Wing, he held his tongue and spared Granger's feelings, but that wasn't enough. If you want my opinion, Snape needed to act like more of a manly-man around Granger. Witches like that sort of thing, you know. Fearless, strong; the kind of wizard who would climb a tower to rescue a witch from an evil sorcerer (or fight their way past dragons to the dungeon laboratory, or hike through forests of doom, anything similar will do.) Nice just wasn't going to cut it; he needed to be aggressive and make it clear to Granger that he wanted to be more than just nice chums. Obviously, Snape needed my help.

Just as the staff meeting on Day Four ended, I sneaked out of Lupin's bag and scurried into the hall, where I waited around the corner for Snape and Granger. When I heard them coming (they were talking about their classes, the students--basically the same sort of things they talked about in the staff meeting), I ran ahead of them and climbed up a staircase that ran parallel with the hallway they were strolling down. I positioned myself between two balusters and waited until I could see Granger's curly hair. Now they were laughing. Apparently Snape had told a joke, but that was still not good enough for me. When Granger was right below me, I launched myself off the steps and landed on her head with an oophf! (Right on my stomach, it almost knocked the wind out of me.) Anyway, Granger hollered and flailed her arms around and tried to pull me off her head, but I held on. "Owwwwwww! Severus! Help me get this thing off my head!!!" she squealed. It was music to my ears. I can't tell you how pleased I was that Granger makes such a good maiden in distress.

Snape stood there looking furious for a moment (like I said, a bit slow on the uptake,) and then he obviously realized my plan, because he reached over and untangled me from Granger's hair. I let him, of course, making him look strong and brave was the whole point of the exercise. He, however, was so ungrateful that he dropped me on the floor. It hurt, so I bit him. He yelled like a man possessed. "Get out of my sight! You have five seconds or I will skin you alive and turn you into a stew!"

Now, I didn't know that people ate groundhogs, but I'm glad I know it now. I'll be on the lookout for any buggers who want to eat me. Constant vigilance! As I hurried off I heard Granger ask Snape if he knew what that "thing" was. Why is it that everyone knows what a badger looks like, but if you show him a groundhog, the first thing out of his mouth is, "What is that thing?" Snape said it was Weasley and Lupin's new pet. How insulting.

Even though Snape didn't deserve it, Lupin tried to help him too. His idea wasn't as ingenious as mine, but it was good, I'll admit. Snape and Granger don't usually sit together at meals. Granger always shows up early and is constantly surrounded by Flitwick or McGonagall or some other professor who wants to have a chat. Then Snape slinks in, just before the meal begins, sits at the end of the High Table nearest the door, eats as quickly as he can, and leaves without saying a word to Granger. Lupin told all the staff, except Snape, that Granger "looks preoccupied. I think it would be a good idea to leave her to herself today, especially at meals."

Pomfrey, of course, had an annoying concerned remark. "She seemed fine this morning. And if something is bothering her, don't you think we should try and cheer her up?"

Weasley spoke up. "I don't think so, Poppy. She's not upset, she's just busy. You know how she gets. Let's just let her alone so she can hear herself think."

Pomfrey shrugged. "If you say so."

It worked surprisingly well for such an obvious lie. When Snape made his way to lunch, the only empty seat was next to Granger. What's more, she wasn't talking to anybody, as all the other staff members were absorbed in their own conversations. Snape had to talk to her lest it seem he was ignoring her. (I hope he thought of something romantic or poetic to say. Or even just pretty, if that's all that he could manage. Of course, Weasley says he's got a sonorous voice that makes everything he says sound nice, but I don't hear it. Witches...)

Unfortunately, all of our efforts that day were in vain. Snape ended the quidditch match right after the Slytherin chaser was knocked off her broom. (My guess is that he wasn't very thrilled about dying again, which is understandable, but he did nothing more that day to further The Plan.) We were all facing a Day Five, and I'm embarrassed to admit that the only thing I could think to try next was to give Snape a good talking-to. He clearly needed one. Also unfortunately, Lupin and Weasley kept a closer watch on me after I escaped from the staff meeting. They didn't (and I don't know why, I thought it went well) want a repeat episode of lunchtime, Day One. But never let it be said that Mad-Eye Moody is a tame groundhog; it didn't take long before I found a way to escape their clutches and talk to Snape alone.

Let me set the scene. It was evening on Day Six, and Snape was making his way back to his rooms in the dungeons...alone. But I was there, in the shadows...waiting. When at last he came upon me...I transformed! (I think I may have even scared him.)

"If it isn't Severus Snape! What are you doing here?" I said in my finest interrogator voice.

"I'm going to bed." He tilted his head a bit, like people do on those Muggle soap-shows just before an important revelation and raised one eyebrow. "I might ask you the same question." Oh, yes. He was terrified.

"I see that you're alone!"

"Good, I am glad that your magical eye is still working for you," he said, trying to sound calm.

It would've been cruel to let him go on being scared like that, and never let it be said that Mad-Eye Moody is unnecessarily cruel. To put him out of his misery, I kicked him in a nice, friendly way with my wooden leg. "Oh, it's alright, man. I'm not here to beat the stuffing out of you. It's time we had a talk."

"Merlin help me."

"It's like this. You're going to have to take a more proactive approach to wooing Granger if you plan on living to see the next Sunday."

Silence, nothing but silence.

"That's right, I said wooing Granger. Witches like that."

"I am sorry, but I had you mistaken for the man, ahem...the groundhog, whose twisted logic led him to believe that witches wish to have rodents tangled in their hair, just so they can be rescued. But that couldn't have been you." Snape seems to think he's a funny man. I put him in his place.

"Well, if it's a rat's nest to begin with--"

"Moody, do you not think that is a bit much coming from the man who hasn't showered since Friday?"

"I've been in animagus form!" (That shower remark was below the belt, even for a Slytherin.) "And I'm here to talk about you. Now you listen carefully; I'll tell you what you need to do."

"I'm sure."

"First of all, keep sitting by her at meals. That's good. Second of all, you need to bring her flowers or something. And lastly, I think you have to start dying again. Now I know it's unpleasant, but it'll work her up. She'll think she's forever lost her chance to tell you how she feels and so on. Then when Pomfrey brings you back, tell Granger that you're glad she's there by your side. And kiss her." I winked at him. "That'll do the trick. I know these things, you just trust me."

"Goodnight, Moody, I am going to bed. Doubtlessly, I will see you in the morning."

"You think about what I said, Snape!"

Snape shut his door in my face (even I'm not that rude), and when I turned around, there was Dumbledore. (Like I said, Dumbledore is all about timing. I still can't figure out how he does it, though. The timing and the lurking.)

"Good evening, Alastor."

"Hello there, Dumbledore. How are you this evening?"

"Splendid! Just splendid. And yourself?"

"Well...I'm worried Dumbledore, I'm worried."

"Really? About Professor Snape, I expect."

"You guessed it. If we don't do something drastic, I'm afraid he'll never figure out what he's supposed to be doing with Granger."

"He will, Alastor, he will."

I shrugged. (I have to confess, I'm still slightly annoyed that Dumbledore didn't ask if I had a drastic plan. I didn't--but there's nothing wrong with asking.)

"Would you like me to carry you back to the guest wing in this cozy little bag? I'm sure you wouldn't want Professor Weasley to catch you out roaming the halls."

"You're right about that," I shuddered, and I transformed so that he could smuggle me back to my rooms. When I changed back, I thought of something. "Say, Dumbledore. Do you think that Lupin is into--oh, what do they call it? With all the leather and--"

"No, Alastor, I do not have any thoughts on the matter. Sleep well," he said, cheerfully enough.

On Day Seven, I didn't make any progress on the Granger-Snape front, but there's a subplot in this story, in case you haven't noticed. (I've taken to calling it Hogwarts--Where Soulmates Are Found, you know, in case someone wants to write a book or something.) The staff members are pairing off: Sprout and Flitwick, Dumbledore and McGonagall, Pomfrey and Sinistra, Lupin and Weasley, Snape and Granger (they will be, at any rate.) If there was anything I could do to give Filch and Hooch a nudge in the right direction, it was the right thing to do. And there was something I could do.

I'm particularly proud of this plan. I woke up early, captured Filch's cat, and strung her up from one of the goalposts on the quidditch pitch. Filch was frantic, searching all around the school for her, while at the same time Hooch went for her morning fly around the quidditch pitch. She's done that every morning since she started teaching broomstick flying at Hogwarts, and she made no exception about today. Well, what did she see when she went zipping around the pitch, but Filch's cat, way up there in the air? That's exactly what she saw, and she took the cat down and brought it inside to Filch. (I'm pleased to note that Hooch and the cat get on well.)

It worked brilliantly. I may have to rethink the matchmaker business. After all, Day Seven was going to be erased as if it had never been, because there would clearly be a Day Eight, and if I wanted Filch and Hooch to live happily ever after, I'd have to redo the cat trick after the time loop ended anyway. Though I may actually miss this time loop.

-END PART THREE-