Rita Skeeter Is At It Again

Author's Notes: Thanks to my wonderful beta, Liz! This is a story version of a skit I wrote on The Good Ship. Carouselina posed a question about Rita writing a paragraph about heRmiONe's wedding. So...tada!

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Harry paused as he reached the society column, and carefully took a sip of coffee. Just before work on a Monday morning was not the time to show Ron and Hermione. Indeed, no time was the time for such things.

Harry sat across from Hermione in their booth at The Leaky Cauldron, where the three of them always met, Monday mornings at seven. It had been Hermione's idea, and though Ron and Harry both grumbled about getting up an hour early, they secretly liked meeting. Ginny was a little put out by the fact she was never invited, but the four of them generally went out for dinner on Thursdays, and the old 'Golden Trio' needed their own time. So, sitting with morning beverages, Hermione was chatting away about all the work to be done.

"...and then, of course, we have that form to complete, and I told Mary-Ann she needed to finish it yesterday, but she just --"

"Harry, what is it?" Ron said, apparently unaware he was cutting off his wife's sentence.

"Huh?" said Harry. He lifted his cup again. "Nothing. No news."

Harry folded the paper and laid it beside the basket of toast.

"I thought there was supposed to be something about the Quidditch game last Saturday. Give it here."

Ron leaned across the table to take the newspaper, dragging his elbow through butter and grape jam.

Hermione looked over his shoulder as he opened the paper to the page Harry had been on. She wrinkled her nose a little, and sighed. "Oh, there's a Skeeter article."

Ron rolled his eyes and Hermione clicked her tongue. Hermione took out her wand to clean up Ron's robe sleeve, but Ron raised one eyebrow at the newspaper.

Harry laughed a little nervously. "Well, y'know, Skeeter. Who cares, right?"

Ron stared at the page for another moment before reading aloud, "'Biggest Wedding Since Harry Potter's'"

Harry appeared to be resisting the urge to bash his head against the tabletop as Hermione stopped her hand midway to the napkins, and read, "'On Sunday of last, Mr. Ronald Bilius Weasley was wed to Hermione Joan Granger--' my middle name is not 'Joan'!"

"--'in what people are calling the biggest matrimony the Wizarding World has seen in two years,'" Ron went on. "Well, that's what they'll call it now..."

"'Present were many significant people involved in the war, including the elusive Mr. Harry James Potter, who has successfully avoided this reporter since the end of the war. (Not to worry, avid reader; we'll get a chance to chit chat with him soon!)'"

"So it's an article about Harry."

Harry grimaced, and Hermione said tartly, "Not quite. 'The somewhat attractive bride--'"

"What?" Ron said, dumbstruck.

"'--wore the traditional white gown, though it was quite plain, and was hardly extravagant enough to offset her hair--'"

"What?!"

"'--which she did not seem to think needed tending to that morning.' Oh, really! My hair is not a bush to be 'tended to'!"

Ron glared at the article, as though hoping looks could kill, and his might reach the author. While attempting murder in this manner, he growled, "'The amount of guests was staggering, and mostly compiled of the abundant number of Weasleys. I'll end with one of the family member's own words. Says--' No. No way."

Harry held his breath.

Hermione, through gritted teeth, finished reading. "'Says Muriel Prewett, "The bridesmaids dresses were rather ugly, and the ceremony was bland and nearly put my 112 year old self to sleep, but the cake was good."'"

Harry covered his bright eyes with both hands, and Ron slammed a fist into the butter as the three friends all said, "Rita Skeeter."

Ron squeezed the butter between his fingers and stood up. "I'm going to talk to the editor," he said firmly. "You were beautiful, Hermione."

Hermione smiled somewhat and said, "Ron, thank you, but I don't think you need to speak to the editor."

Harry and Ron looked perplexed. Was this the same woman who captured Rita in beetle form six years ago?

"What? Why not?" Ron protested.

Hermione gave them both a grave look that Harry always associated with her deciding to do something that might be considered unlawful. "Because I will."