The Marauders: The Screwed Up Edition

James, Sirius and Peter stepped off the Hogwarts Express - or more correctly speaking James and Sirius stepped off, Peter tumbled down the steps and fell into a large puddle before being trampled on by crazy first years who were trying to get to Hagrid.

"You alright Peter?" asked Hagrid.

"Oh yeah he's just fine, it's only a mild concussion," replied James; in only a few hours time he would realise he was never going to be a doctor. Peter was completely knocked out and spent the next three days in a coma.

"Can you see Moony?" asked Sirius.

"Oh, he's with the Prefects, remember?"

Lupin was off walking with the Prefects. He didn't particularly want to be there but he had no choice. James and Sirius were a lot more fun and Peter was well...there, and anyway, James and Sirius got all the attention from the girls and Lupin enjoyed the attention he got from being associated with them. The Prefects were a strange lot. There was Bobby Loganitsiville a strange lad from Ravenclaw with a head size comparable with that of an elephant. He had a little trouble fitting in the horseless carriage. Then there were the Slytherin Prefects and what a alarming twosome they were: Horno McHorn was a strapping bloke and Slytherin Quidditch captain - he somewhat resembled a troll gone incredibly wrong; Shelly Goonybob was an ugly pig faced girl with too much underarm hair which she proudly displayed regularly at dinner time - apparently for religious reasons. The other Gryffindor Prefect was Thomas McHuge, a massive lad standing at least ten foot tall, he was so big he'd never actually been in the Gryffindor common room because he couldn't fit through the walkway. Remus wondered how he actually became a Prefect.

James and Sirius had crept ever closer to Severus Snape, who seemed to be having a rather heated conversation with his best friend. About a hundred metres away Peeves the Poltergeist was dragging the unconscious Pettigrew towards the lake, and with a loud plop he fell in. James and Sirius were now only metres away from Snape and could clearly hear everything he was saying.

"Captain, I can't believe I wasn't made a Prefect. I reckon that Dumbledore's got it in for me. What do you reckon, Bobbletonks?" Snape turned his head to his side as if listening. "Oh you agree? I'm not surprised; I think he dislikes you as well. Keeps telling me you don't exist...bah...he just doesn't want me to be happy!" Sirius and James sniggered to themselves; it appeared they were going to get plenty of mileage out of Snape and his imaginary friend Captain Bobbletonks.

"Hey Captain, how's it hanging?" asked Sirius as he through his arm over what appeared to be an imaginary person. "Old Snivellus been treating you well? Been getting plenty of food? A woman or two?"

"What's that Capt? No? Has old Snivellus been treating you poorly? We can't have this," said James slyly.

"No, get away leave me and my friend alone, I'll...I'll report you!" replied Severus angrily.

"Why don't you just do that?"

"Come on Captain, let's go hang out in the kitchen," said Sirius as he and James trotted off, Sirius' arm still hanging over the imaginary person. Scattered laughter could be heard from the surrounding crowd. Severus was left to suffer not so quietly.

"COME BACK CAPTAIN BOBBLETONKS COME BACK!!! I'll get you morons if it's the last thing I do!"

Not long after that James and Sirius finally caught up with Remus, who had managed to get away from the strange and rather disturbing Prefects. He was looking a little flustered so they told him all about Snape and Captain Bobbletonks. The three of them stood laughing loudly for several minutes; none of them seemed to worry about where Peter was. Luckily for Peter he'd been helped out of the lake by the great big squid who spat him onto the oval within reach of the Whomping Willow. The poor git was still unconscious as the massive tree belted him around and threw him into the air; it had been a particularly ordinary start of term for him quite possibly on par with his third year where he was eaten by Aragog in the Forbidden Forest. If Aragog hadn't developed an eating disorder he might never have seen the light of day again.

Back in the Great Hall and everyone was seated as Professor McGonagall brought in the Sorting Hat. Almost at once it jumped up and burst into song but unlike previous years this years rhyme was particularly ordinary.

Hello, I'm the Sorting Hat,

And I don't give a shit,

So shut up, sit down, quick flat

And I might just do my bit,

Gryffindors are loonies; they'll run in front of trains,

All in the name of braveness, I say use your brains,

Ravenclaws are clever; I say check their IQ,

If they are so bloody smart you'd think they'd flush the loo,

Hufflepuffs are useless; there is no other word,

Simple things amuse simple minds, they're amused by birds,

Slytherins are evil, I'd bet my bottom dollar,

Kick them all out I say, or dangle rope around their collars.

Before you are sorted, you might want to run away,

You're completely stuffed once I've had my say,

And here we are again,

Creating this song was a big pain,

The end is near, you're almost doomed,

Don't worry it'll be over soon.

There was scattered applause at the Sorting Hat's song even though it was somewhat ordinary. After the Sorting and the grand feast that followed it Professor Dumbledore stood up to begin his start of year announcements.

"Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll!" shouted the Headmaster who was sporting a new haircut, some lovely silver dreadlocks. He sat back down again but stood back up again after several rather aggressive elbows from Professor McGonagall.

"Ok, apparently that wasn't an adequate speech. This year will be very important because every year is important. Stuff will happen and sometimes it'll be bad stuff. I must remind you that there's some particularly good surf down in Hawaii at the moment so I'll be leaving the school tonight for a few weeks. If that's good enough I think I'll leave you and go have my nap."

With that Dumbledore marched out of the Great Hall, leaving everyone a little bit surprised. After a few uninteresting words from McGonagall they were dismissed and wandered up towards their Common Room. They received the password from Lupin (it was 'I'm not a werewolf') and it wasn't long before they were yawning at their bedside. Quickly chucking on their stuff and not realising that Peter still hadn't made it back to the school, they jumped into bed.

James' last words before dosing off to sleep were, "In the morning you and Remus are to help me formulate a grand plan to help me make Lily my girlfriend," to which Sirius replied with a grunt that sounded as if it came from a strangled pig.