The Marauders: The Screwed Up Edition

The Marauders: The Screwed Up Edition

WARNING:

James, Sirius, Remus and Peter were the best of friends; the very best of friends. In fact there hadn't been better friends since Bob and his best friend Knob got illegally married because they didn't want to leave each others side - that however is another story, which I have no intention of writing.

James was the cool one, if you stalked him for awhile you'd almost always hear him say "I'm Potter, James Potter", "I'll have my cordial shaken and not stirred" and finally if you stalked him constantly for a week you might even hear him mutter "I'm James Potter and I'm supercool". It would be easy to look at James and think that he is simply an egotistical idiot and to an extent you'd probably be correct but on occasions James was telling the truth, his name really was James Potter and he hated his cordial stirred, some of his more mindless followers even thought he was 'supercool'. James was also very good at Quidditch, he was a chaser and it was a role he played on and off the field. When he wasn't chasing the quaffle around the pitch he was chasing poor Lily Evans.

Sirius was the good looking one - not according to me but according to most of the women and a few of the guys at Hogwarts. He was James' right hand man and the two never missed a chance to create trouble. In his spare time he was taught Ballet by Professor McGonagall, who was a talented ballerina back in the day. This was something that he never told his friends, not even James. For some reason he was embarrassed because he was able to dance like a swan when they could only dance like donkeys.

Remus was the group's book worm, he loved looking through complex spell books but this wasn't the reason he was renowned as a book worm. As he got older his tastes changed dramatically and now instead of reading complex spell books he was reading dirty magazines. It was a habit that almost leads to him staying down in his sixth year. Remus was also a werewolf and spent one day a month in a small room below the Shrieking Shack. Of course this was the romantic place he took all the women he picked up from the sixth year on. As smart as the poor man was he just didn't have the charm to keep a girlfriend - apparently they were not impressed by the scenery of the Shrieking Shack. James claimed they were just snobs, how could you not like the ripped up furniture and werewolf droppings that was all over the floor?

Rounding out the group was Peter. To quote James Potter he was a "stupid git", to quote Sirius he was destined to be "thrown in the ocean so he can't annoy people anymore" and finally to quote Remus "if he wasn't so tiny I would've eaten him already." Strictly speaking Peter wasn't well liked by the rest of them but they kept him in the group because he knew too many of their secrets and if they got into the public forum their reputations of being 'supercool' would be ruined.

Together they called themselves THE FOUR MORONS!

The greasy git Severus Snape was "The Four Moron's" arch enemy. He was actually the one who termed the foursome "The Four Moron's" for the first time; it was an achievement that he was very proud of. Unfortunately for Snape, in retaliation for creating a humorous nickname "The Four Moron's" decided it would be in his best interests if he was used for target practice. Snape spent a lot of time in the hospital wing, sometimes with eyes growing out of his stomach, other times with a head that looked like a goldfish and on one very unfortunate occasion he appeared with a bottom that flashed in every colour of the rainbow 'I am Snivellus Snape, I wear pink underwear".

Lily Evans was James's love interest. He absolutely adored her which was funny because she was nothing like him - he had a massive ego; she was quiet - he was a pureblood; she was a muggle-born - and he liked watching Quidditch players fall from their brooms; she liked short walks on the beach. It was no surprise that Lily didn't like James, although James had yet to take the hint. In fact Lily found herself attracted to the striking Sirius Black; she was impressed by his little known feminine side.

Snape had one friend at Hogwarts and his name was Captain Bobbletonks. He was Severus's imaginary friend and kept him company on many a cold night. The existence - or lack of - was the main reason Snape was teased. People like James thought it was funny that nobody could see Severus's only friend but in hindsight Captain Bobbletonks made for a much better friend than Peter Pettigrew. The two enjoyed fishing by the lake and privately chatting about girls they liked. When Severus was four people noticed him constantly talking to himself and he was locked in a psychiatric ward for a two year period, this perhaps explains his slightly undesirable demeanour.

Then of course we have the teachers. Some were quite competent, others were utterly insane and a small percentage had no idea what they were doing. It wasn't there fault though because the headmaster Professor Dumbledore had gained entry to the hippy scene and no longer cared for anything but sex, drugs and rock and roll. It made for an interesting change but a generation of wizards received a very poor education. Most interesting was Professor Mockly-Brinks, a former member of the army who made the students do push-ups if they got any questions wrong. He was a truly awful teacher but his teaching led to James getting one hell of a six-pack.

This story joins the four marauders (as they referred to themselves) and the four morons (as they were referred to by anyone with a little sense) in their fifth year. It was an important year for all of them because they were doing their OWLs - but this didn't stop them from getting into all sorts of trouble involving port-keys, the Slytherin Common Room and a pair of underpants. And let's not forget the time where two hungry goats apparently ate Captain Bobbletonks, although no-one saw it happen. So sit back and enjoy this exciting time for our four morons as they struggle with adolescence and romance, stupid teachers and equally stupid students; and an ego that could squash everything within its path.