Hogwarts: A Revised and Twisted History

Chapter 2

Building a big building WITH big building blocks

NOTE: This chapter led to the author being sued by the remaining members of Miss Hufflepuff's family, who claimed that this chapter displayed her love of children in a bad love. The author was sentenced to pay $4 million to Hufflepuff's descendents, who were two muggles living up a tree in Fiji.

Finally the four individuals got together and set out their plans for this place of average education. Each of them had different ideas for what it should be like and what sort of people should be allowed to be educated there. But firstly they had to get a loan from Gringotts.

As the story goes apparently Slytherin decided to ask the trolls who ran Gringotts at the time for a loan of ten million Galleons. After much tough and intelligent negotiating Slytherin began to get sick of constantly being grunted at and hit the troll numerous times with a newspaper before running off with the cash. It is a miracle to this day that he escaped with enough Galleons to fill the great lake but Slytherin himself thought it was because he's was that damn sexy. Many have refuted that fact however. Soon after they were planning the building.

Miss Hufflepuff boldly declared that the school should be built out of candy so none of the students would ever be hungry. Apparently Slytherin muttered to himself that it had nothing to do with the student's welfare but more to do with her own. Godric wanted something truly spectacular, I want there to be holes in the ground that you have to jump over to get to class - that way I'll only have to teach those brave at heart. Miss Ravenclaw however claimed she'd twisted her spine and so that plan was scrapped. Ravenclaw instead thought it would be a good idea if the school was like a giant rubic's cube but with each side painted pink. Slytherin promptly vomited all over her pink dress and decided it might be a good idea if she went and saw Philip Mungo, who had recently started a wizarding hospital, although at that early stage it was little more than a large, muddy hole in the ground.

The four of them quibbled over this issue for many months before a couple of house-elves informed them that they would be "building the bloody thing, so it'd be done [their] way". The house-elves decided to strike until they got their way and when the four founders laughed off their wants the house-elves decided to chase the founders around the building site poking them in the backside with scissors until they got their way.

So with the debilitating house-elf strike out of the way - and with Miss Hufflepuff unable to sit for a two week period - the building of the great big building began. The house-elves worked like house-elves and soon the building was built. And what a building it was people came from all around to see it and say wow what a great building.

"Wow, what a great building!" said Frederick X. Hobblebottom when asked for a statement.

"This school is truly a monument to man's true greatness, only the greatest of humans could have built this bloody big thing. I'm in awe of the founders greatness," said a strange looking man on the street that looked suspiciously like Salazar Slytherin, even more so when the poor man's moustache fell off.

"It's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," said Buzz Malfoy, when he was also asked for a statement. He went on to say "Yes Buzz really is my real name," when asked the inevitable question of whether his parents really were insane enough to name their child "Buzz".

When the hoopla died down and remarkably it did the four founders decided it was time to decide who should be taught there. Mr Gryffindor claimed that only those individuals who have slain three dragons before the age of ten be allowed in. Miss Ravenclaw suggested that only those with a IQ over 220 be allowed admittance. Mr Slytherin put forward the motion that only those that had been kicked out of their house for lying and stealing from their parents be considered. Miss Hufflepuff finally suggested that no one be allowed in because she didn't like children. With the realisation that they couldn't work out their differences the four founders decided to allow everyone into the school and individually separate them based on a biased system known as personal opinion. This worked well for many years although the other three founders wouldn't allow Miss Hufflepuff to get away with not having anyone so she was required to take the individuals who showed no particularly interesting skills.

CHAPTER 3

THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS

NOTE: This chapter is considered to be largely inaccurate because chocolate cake is widely considered to have been invented several centuries later. You-Know-Who also filed a complaint stating that Salazar Slytherin did not have sexual relations with that chicken [Author: We think he's paranoid]

It wasn't long before conflict engulfed the peaceful school. Like a horrendously written soapy everything began to fall apart. Slytherin had dated both female founders - at the same time and had been caught out - and Gryffindor was also dating both female founders at the same time that Slytherin was. It seemed only a matter of time before the founders relationship fell apart. It all happened rather quickly, one afternoon some house-elves made a lovely chocolate cake. It was the loveliest chocolate cake that had ever been created. To cut a rather short story even shorter Gryffindor was a pig - he ate almost half the cake all by himself and afterwards he expected Ravenclaw to sew up his robes which had split in three spots. Slytherin was angry because he only got one piece and decided that enough was enough.

Slytherin: Enough is enough! I kept quiet when you stole my girlfriend, I didn't say a word when you bulldozed my house and I only tried to curse you when you went out with my mum but I will not keep quiet when you steal my cake. I'm out of here...

And with that Slytherin left the school, the four founders shrunk to three and once again there was harmony in the world. But before he left he put on a spooky voice and said "By the way I've created a Chamber of Secrets, he'll finish off my noble work". Not surprisingly the three founders who were left looked everywhere for this "Chamber of Secrets" and all they found was a chicken under his bed and a goat with a hernia stuck in a third floor cubicle.

The three founders came to the conclusion that Salazar was once again just full of hot air - much like those times he ranted about killing mudbloods. The three founders often had a good laugh at the ludicrously of that one, as if anyone agreed with him.

It was soon decided that they should advertise for someone to fill Slytherin's vacant position. Interviews were held in the library and the advertisement garnered a huge response. On a bright and sunny Monday morning seventeen qualified witches and wizards, three rather ambitious students, a house-elf and a dog named Bud came to be interviewed. Overall the interviews were a shamble, only the dog showed any evidence of being able to successfully run a business and that was only because he used to bounce a ball on his nose whilst passers by chucked loose change into his large purple hat.

So at the end of the day the three founders decided to carry on with three members and instead of being an awesome foursome they became a fairly decent threesome. Slytherin decided to become an impressionist and worked the London stage scene for three years until Auror's discovered his real name was Gregory Bobkins and arrested him for the murder of a muggle boy many years earlier.