Hogwarts: A Revised and Twisted History

CHAPTER 4

WORD GAMES AND DETENTIONS

NOTE: This chapter led to the author once again being sued by the remaining members of Miss Hufflepuff's family, who claimed that she was not as stupid as she was portrayed in this chapter. They spelt stupid, she and chapter incorrectly in the report.

The three remaining founders loved teaching; they got a big kick out of seeing the little kids bright faces when they finally learnt how to do something they should've learnt five years earlier and they got an even bigger kick out of the devastation they termed 'detention'. Kids hanging by their thumbs in the dungeons, some forced to run naked through the forbidden forest, the naughtiest students were chased from Gryffindor's office by a flying rabbit that breathed fire. Everybody enjoyed detentions and it was Ravenclaw who said she heard many a student say "What you have detention? You lucky bugger!" Of course that could be due to the fact that Ravenclaw was known to feed her students chocolates and there wasn't any battles with a flying rabbit or even a pregnant goat to be found.

Unfortunately the founders had a lot of spare time and no matter how many detentions they gave - even for the most trivial of matters - they were unable to fill in the time. They resorted to playing word games; back in the day Salazar thought he was a star at them. He spent hour after hour thinking of anagrams for his name. He wasn't particularly talented at it but it kept him busy. The best he had come up with was Thinza Rasllayres and that was nothing to be proud of.

The game that was the most popular in the office these days was I Spy, Gryffindor and Hufflepuff played it all the time. Of course Gryffindor only played it with Hufflepuff because Ravenclaw was far too smart. In an exclusive I managed to get a transcript of one of the few times that Hufflepuff managed to show some signs of intelligence.

Gryffindor: I spy with my little eye something beginning with T.

Hufflepuff: Breakfast!

Gryffindor: What?

Hufflepuff: I start breakfast with tea, followed by a crumpet before finishing off with a big juicy sausage.

Gryffindor: I meant as in a letter.

Hufflepuff: Oh no, I never begin breakfast with a letter; the mail-man doesn't come until 10 o'clock.

Gryffindor: You try Rowena.

Ravenclaw: I spy with my little eye something beginning with R.

Hufflepuff: Army!

Gryffindor: It starts with a bloody A! Rowena wanted a bloody R! You know rrrrrrr.

Hufflepuff: A motorcycle!

Ravenclaw: What?

Hufflepuff: A motorcycle begins with rrrrrrr. When you turn it on it goes rrrrrrr rrrrrrr rrrrrrr.

Gryffindor: I give up...

Gryffindor couldn't help thinking that Slytherin had achieved his dream. At the time Hogwarts was a school that cost a ridiculous amount - a full 5 Knuts a term - and gave an entirely substandard education - most of this due to Hufflepuff's incompetence. He decided to talk to Rowena about the problem. The two discussed it at length and came to the same conclusion - the woman needed tutoring. Gryffindor himself refused to do it himself, citing the debacle that was teaching her the difference between a letter and the running of a motorcycle. Ravenclaw claimed she had more important things to attend to although outsiders claim it was little more than painting her toe-nails and flossing her teeth.

The two of them finally decided that Hufflepuff would be tutored twice a week by a group of travelling trolls who had once been part of a circus. Although Godric had his doubts as to whether this would teach her anything he realised the benefit of her being able to communicate with individuals of similar intelligence.

CHAPTER 5

THE SORTING THINGY

NOTE: The author received some sponsorship for this chapter and thus you see the references to Coca-Cola and Mars Bars. None of these products existed a thousand years ago so once again we see some liberties taken by the author as a result of trying to make an exciting read.

Some years down the track the three remaining founders knew that it was almost time to retire and settle on a beach in Jamaica sipping Coca-Cola and eating Mars Bars. They knew they'd have to find somebody - or something - to sort through the students and place them in the right house. As it was the three remaining founders were doing an ordinary job because they no longer cared about the student's education. They were overworked and overstressed and downright cranky and it was affecting their work. Slytherin house still didn't have a head so they run amok and did as they pleased. Thirteen students had been expelled just that year for calling false bomb alerts and three others were in deep trouble for allowing two goats to mate in their dormitory - their children had positively destroyed the Great Hall, which was now termed the "Downright awful and dung infested" Hall. Something had to change - if only for the fact that the new name of the Great Hall didn't roll off the tongue so nicely. The founders radically decided to bring in a third party.

They sat down together to discuss the issue.

Ravenclaw: I think we need someone of great intellect to perform the duty.

Hufflepuff: Oh no, that won't do at all; I say we choose the Gingerbread man!

Gryffindor: Your obsession in food is ever so slightly disturbing, almost as much as the mess that is in the room formerly known as the Great Hall. I propose we have some interviews to see who would be suitable.

So that is what they did and the next week they once again had a long line-up of potential sorting people. Heading the line was Mr Mumble-Guts, a giant whose previous job was eating people who walked under a bridge in Liverpool. His resume was impressive there was no doubting that; everyday he had to sort through the accidents he'd caused to find people to eat. His sorting skills were second to none but alas he failed on a vote of two to one against when it came to demonstrate his style.

Gryffindor: Ok sir, it's time to show us how you would sort the children into their houses.

Mumble-Guts: Ok well...one for Slytherin, one for me...yum...one for Hufflepuff, one for me...yum! Delicious.

Ravenclaw: Yes well that'll be enough; we'll owl you if you are successful.

Mumble-Guts: Thank you, it's been a pleasure.

Gryffindor: I was impressed until he started eating our kids.

Ravenclaw: I agree he's just not suitable.

Hufflepuff: I thought he did a good job, I'm sure he'd sort out those Slytherin's.

Gryffindor: So he's not approved by a vote of two to one against.

The founders looked through the rest of the applicants with no success. They'd given up hope when Gryffindor came up with the idea that it didn't necessarily have to be a human being to take the job. The others thought it was a brilliant idea and they searched for things that could do the sorting for them.

Gryffindor: What about my sock?

Ravenclaw: It's possible...pull it off and charm it.

Gryffindor: Ok done.

Gryffindor's sock:

I am the Sorting Sock hear me roar,

I'm here to sort you into one of the four,

Slytherin's are stinky,

They have dirty little pinkies,

Gryffindor's feet stink,

He forgets to use the sink,

Ravenclaw's forgets to shower,

It's no wonder they're always sour,

Hufflepuff's smell as bad as they look,

There brains are funny and they're all little sooks.

Ravenclaw: I'm not sure that'll do.

Gryffindor: Well I think we should try him on the feet of a student first.

The founders found an unwilling little bugger in the form of Matthew McDougall-Noodle, a second year student.

Gryffindor: Ok, just stick this on your foot.

McDougall-Noodle: It's so warm.

Gryffindor's sock: Hmm ... plenty of brains, a big dark secret I see. Your not trustworthy that's for certain and you like being in the girls dormitories. CROSS-DRESSER!!! CROSS-DRESSER!!! THE KIDS A DIRTY ROTTEN CROSS-DRESSER!!!

McDougall-Noodle: It's not true, I don't ... me never ...*cries*

Ravenclaw: This just won't do ... we cannot have our sorting instrument humiliating our students.

Gryffindor: Perhaps we could use something else?

Hufflepuff: Like what? Your underwear?

Gryffindor: No, I was thinking more like my hat, it's not as psychotic as my socks or my underwear and I think it might do a good job.

Ravenclaw: Your hat it is!

From that moment on the Sorting Hat choose which house individuals were in. Of course it made a few mistakes initially, deciding on numerous occasions that some students were useless and didn't deserve to be at the school but overall it did a good job. The founders knew it was only a matter of time before they could take a well un-deserved break.