Hogwarts: A Revised and Twisted History

Hogwarts: A Revised and Twisted History

WARNING:

FORWARD BY ALBUS DUMBLEDORE:

Welcome muggles,

This promises to be a riveting read. Read carefully to experience the highs and lows of life at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Be amazed at the antics of the initial four founders, laugh at my antics with a goat and feel saddened by the tragic events of Harry Potter. All of this and quite possibly even more can be found in this very book. An exceptional read from cover to cover, it's a must for all fans of Hogwarts and for the non-satanic individuals amongst us who wish to burn it. I placed special charms on it to enhance its burning power.

Be prepared to find out things you never thought were possible like not being able to apparate in Hogwarts and the monster Gryffindor left under his bed. Go backstage with the Sorting Hat, as he teaches you crazy songs and shows his immature side. Watch as the author makes up some stuff to keep your interest due to a lack of research done on the topic and listen as he tells lies that could have him in court on fraud violations.

Finally, you'll be able to read in amazement at the time muggle landscapers tried to transform Hogwarts into a large car-park, as well as the time American publishers tried to change the name of Hogwarts to Pigwarts to ensure there was no confusion with a largely unheard of disease. All that and more in Hogwarts: A Revised and Twisted History.

This is the first time this edition of the book has been sold to muggles, whilst it bears no resemblance to real events be thankful than I didn't put you under the body binding spell just for fun and if you don't buy it I'll place you under the Imperius curse It's good for making people buy your ordinary books.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE - Hogwarts Headmaster, noted fan of goats.

CHAPTER 1

BEFORE HOGWARTS

NOTE: Slytherin died over nine centuries before this book was written. After writing this chapter, in which the author claims to have had conversations with Slytherin he was locked in a loony house for twelve years. Upon release he finished off this remarkable but somewhat untruthful yarn.

In order to show you the true impact that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has had on the education of magical persons, half-giants, werewolves and individuals with other strange anomalies it is important that we first look at what education was like prior to the founding of everyone's favourite school.

Before the fabulous Hogwarts was founded - I'll warn you right now this story is being used to encourage new students to come here, so it may sound like a pathetic advertisement - students were generally taught by their parents. Sure some of them taught themselves - usually to devastating effects - but in general it was the parent who taught them the magical and mystical ways to become a magical and mystical person.

Now I know what you're thinking, if parents were teaching their children what happened with the first people on earth? Who taught them? Well I did a lot of research on this question and my conclusion is I don't have a clue but let's face it, this is history and well it's rather boring. Personally I think it sucks and what sort of individual would write a history boo...wait never mind.

Amazingly in these ancient times muggles sometimes taught wizards spells as well, of course they weren't aware of it but nevertheless muggles attributed to the rise of the dark arts. As pathetic muggles you've always marvelled at magic, particularly the most famous muggle magic spell "Abra Kedabra". Well one day - and trust me this is an exclusive, hold on to your knickers everyone because you never saw this twist - a young wizard named Gregory Bobkins was walking down the road when he came across two muggles playing in their front yard. Here is a transcript I received by my father's friend's girlfriend's former roommate, I have no doubt that it's legitimate:

Muggle #1: Hello funny looking boy.

Muggle #2: Hello funny looking boy.

Gregory: Hello funny looking boys. What are you doing?

Muggle #1: We're doing magic.

Muggle #2: Yes, we're doing magic.

Gregory: Oh really? Let me see.

Muggle #1: Sure Abra Kedabra!!!

*Muggle #2 falls over*

Gregory: Ok, my turn. Avada Kedavra!

*Muggle #1 dies*

Muggle #2: No way, what the hell did you do?

Gregory: Whoopsies...

That was the invention of the most dangerous dark arts spell. Poor Muggle #1 was thrown in a lake and was never seen again. According to my somewhat questionable sources Gregory Bobkins decided to change his name to Salazar Slytherin to avoid detection. Later on he decided to copyright the spell and allow only those that would appear in his Hogwarts house the right to use it; this explains why every Slytherin is an evil git.

So the nice young lad Gregory Bobkin's say an ample opportunity to make a quid and suddenly became an evil git but wait there's more. Old Slytherin became a slimy human being, when he wasn't charging everyone for the right to use his favourite spell he was looking at other business dealings. The creation of Hogwarts is one such example - a frizz free shampoo for men was another. Here is a transcript of the negotiations between Gryffindor and Slytherin according to Slytherin himself:

Slytherin: Look, I see a market for a school, where we charge a lot and teach very little.

Gryffindor: I'm not so sure Salazar, I like the idea of a school but I'm all for a quality education.

Slytherin: As I understand it your popular with the ladies, how many of these honeyz can you get on board?

Gryffindor: Well I'm sure I could get Miss Ravenclaw and Miss Hufflepuff to help out.

Slytherin: Sounds good, so there'll be four of us charging ridiculous prices for a truly average education.

Gryffindor: I'm still not sure about this average education.

Slytherin: I don't like your attitude young man.

Gryffindor: Sorry *cries like a girl* Sorry, please forgive me.

Slytherin informs me that although the first part of the conversation is a little sketchy he remembers quite clearly Gryffindor crying like a little girl. From this point on the building of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry would begin. No longer would people be trying to learn magic from their dogs and no longer would lovely young wizards kill innocent muggles without meaning to. Now they killed them because they knew how to.

The wizarding world hailed these four individuals as heroes and they had a parade throughout the centre of London to celebrate, Slytherin was knighted and treated like a hero - or so he told me.