Holding a Torch For Gilderoy Lockhart

By January, Gilderoy Lockhart was the bane of the Janus Thickley Ward. Always annoying, always pestering, he had recently recalled he was a man and wouldn't stop harassing any female in sight.

"Please? I like to kiss!"

"Gilderoy, try to concentra- Gilderoy! Do that once more, and I'll send you to the corner! Do you want to go to the corner?" Miriam demanded.

"No!"

"Then try to concentrate on your therapy. What was your mother's name?"

"I can't recall..." Miriam performed the spell that generally helped such problems. "Ephie?"

"Good boy, Gilderoy!" Miriam said encouragingly, marking a spot on her graph. They'd taken to trying to coax his memory back now that they were sure it wasn't coming on its own. Several different potions were known to help, but unfortunately, they all had to be fine tuned to the specific patient. "What about your father's name?"

"Your pretty! Would you like to kiss?"

"Dearborn! I'm taking a break!"

"Hey, at least he thinks you're good-looking. He doesn't even give me the once over," he pouted.

"Why would he think you're good-looking?" Miriam puzzled as she left the ward.

"Cow!" came Dearborn's response.

"Don't you have actual work to do, Pippa?" Miriam asked petulantly as she reached the stairwell.

"Ayah, I do! Dragon Pox season, you know," Pippa replied, passing Miriam a cigarette. "By the way, you've got a date for tomorrow."

"Have I?" Miriam asked. "And who's the man of my tawdry dreams this month?"

"Hey! How could I have known John was such a pervert?"

"He's your brother!" Miriam posed.

"We aren't close. This ones name is Xavier and he's gorgeous... No, really," she pouted when Miriam gave her the look. "He works for the Ministry as an administrator with the Wizengamot."

"A bureaucrat? You set me up with a bureaucrat?" Miriam asked, horrified. "What were you thinking?"

"That he's actually gorgeous, and that you needed a date."

"But-"

"Seven. He'll meet you at the Sanguini's Linguini Shack."

"Oh, dear god..."

"Well, time to save some lives!" Pippa said cheerfully.

The next evening, as Miriam took abuse from her mirror, she reflected how much she hated dating. She hadn't ever done much of it, either. Her pre-marriage relationship with Sirius could never have been termed anything so normal as dating. Generally, he would knock on her flat door randomly, and somehow Miriam would manage to get to her classes the next day, often Apparating from rather odd places.

Since Sirius, she'd had a few relationships, mostly with other Healers. She really really hated Pippa's monthly quest to find her a man, generally because Pippa thought that love at first sight was the way to go. In other words, Miriam never knew any of these guys before she met them somewhere datey. Which meant, really, that there was no reason for her to ever speak to most of them.

Sighing in frustration, Miriam finally capitulated to the mirror and put her red hair up in a twist. "Do you want me to break you?" she warned when the mirror then suggested she put on 'the little black dress.' "This looks fine," she continued, smoothing the wool jumper she had chosen.

"For a walk on the moors," the mirror said.

"Sanguini's Linguini Shack is not the place for a little black dress," she replied, pulling on her cloak and leaving the room.

Apparating to the tacky faux-gothic pasta place, she informed the hostess she was looking for a wizard named Xavier. "Just this way..."

As it turned out, Xavier was gorgeous. He was also a bureaucrat, and by the main course Miriam was thinking about how to best bore out her eyes- Spoon? Too clichéd. Fork? Spectacular potential for irreversible slippage. Knife? Hard to make that look like an accident.

Hmm. What about the candlestick?

By the time dessert was served, Miriam had managed to convince Xavier that she, unfortunately, had to retire early that evening, due to a early meeting the next morning. A disappointing good night kiss later, Miriam trudged into her bedroom.

"Should have worn the black dress, you know," the mirror said.

"I'm going to buy a restaurant, I think," Miriam replied before dozing off.