Evil Overlords Anonymous

The tall wizard pulled the hood of his cape more tightly around his face to better hide his identity as he pushed open the door of the towering building in Muggle London. Though the building was on one of the busier thoroughfares in the large city, it was hidden like the Leaky Cauldron and very few Muggles took notice of it at all.

The glass door slammed shut behind him as the wizard strode down the hallway towards a witch sitting pleasantly at a desk. Just as he was about to reach her, the wizard stopped and glanced at a building guide. Unable to find the room he was looking for on it, he reluctantly approached the witch.

"Can I help you?" she chirped happily.

He scowled at her, though she couldn't see it; his face was still shrouded almost completely by his hood. He glanced around to make sure that no one was paying attention. Sure enough, there was nobody around. He leaned close to her and whispered reluctantly, "I'm looking for the meeting..."

The witch smiled at him, "Oh, yes, of course. That's what most wizards are here for tonight. I don't recognize you, this must be your first time."

He grunted in response.

She was unperturbed by his lack of emotion and continued to smile at him. "That'll be on the fifth floor, room 513. You can either take the staircase to the left," she indicated down the hallway, "or just apparate straight up there."

"All right," he muttered. "I'll just..." he motioned upwards with his gnarled hand.

The witch nodded happily, "Have a great meeting."

He grunted at her again and, with a pop, disappeared. The hallway the wizard reappeared in looked very much like the one he had just left behind, except that there was no helpful witch sitting behind a desk to point him in the right direction. He glanced at the door in front of him. It was labeled 525.

The wizard started off to the right, glancing at each door until he found number 513. A parchment sign with the words 'Evil Overlords Anonymous' scrawled across it was taped to the door. With a sigh, he pushed it open and stepped inside.

He found himself in a small room with three rows of five Muggle-style folding chairs facing a podium at the front. A few of the chairs were filed with other wizards in similar garb to himself. None of them were speaking.

Two wizards stood at the front of the room by the podium chatting happily. When the wizard entered, they both looked up and smiled at him. They were the only two in the room whose faces were not completely hidden from view.

"Welcome," one called to him.

"A newcomer, good," the other wizard exclaimed. "Always fun to have new people here. Come in, come in, make yourself at home!"

The wizard nodded curtly at the two excitable men at the front of the room and found himself a seat in the back row, as far from any other wizard as he could be. It was not easy to find such a seat, as they all appeared to have had the same goal in mind while choosing where to sit. No two wizards were seated directly next to, in front of, or behind each other.

Over the next few minutes, five more wizards entered the room, each to a cheerful greeting from the two in the front. Each wizard who entered seemed to scowl at the two cheerful wizards, though it was hard to tell without actually being able to see any faces, and then found himself a seat.

At exactly nine o'clock, one of the wizards at the front clapped his hands together and called the meeting to order. He welcomed all of the members back and then turned to the newcomer.

"Don't be shy!" he called. "Come up here and introduce yourself!"

All of the wizards turned their shrouded heads to face the newcomer, and he reluctantly got up and made his way to the front of the room. The wizard who had taken charge of the meeting directed him to the podium.

"Hello," he began, glancing out at the watching wizards. "I'm Lord..."

"Oh, no no no," the wizard in charge interrupted. "We don't give our evil overlord names here. We give our other names." At his look of confusion, the wizard continued, "Our birth names."

The wizard at the podium nodded now. "All right. My name is Tom Riddle and I am an evil overlord."

"Hello Tom," the crowd chorused.

The wizard in charge smiled at him, "Welcome, Tom. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself? Where you are from, crimes you have committed, banes of your existence, that sort of thing."

Tom cleared his throat and began, "My mother was a witch and a direct descendent of Salazar Slytherin himself," he paused and smiled.

The crowd gave an awe-filled chorus of "Oooo!"

"My father was a Muggle. Naturally, I killed him upon finishing Hogwarts." The crowd nodded in agreement. "Soon I began to gain power and followers. Oh, my beloved followers..." If he had been a sentimental man, a tear would have come to Tom's eye.

Tom growled as he continued, "At the height of my power, I targeted a certain family. A horrendous mudblood and her pureblood husband who tainted the bloodline by breeding with her."

"An outrage!" a wizard in the crowd shouted. Others murmured their agreement.

"That," Tom continued, "brings me to the problem of the bane of my existence. Their horrid little son." He clenched his fists and scowled at the crowd, though his face was still hidden by his hood. "I went to kill the family. I got the parents, of course; nothing is easier than Avada Kedavra when you've been practicing."

"It's the best," he heard one wizard whisper to the wizard sitting closest to him.

"I then turned on the son," he growled. "Just a baby... and he survived! Impossible, I know, but true. I was robbed of my physical form as a result, but, after many years of waiting and with the help of a loyal follower, I have regained my body."

A cheer from the crowd interrupted him. The wizard in charge hurried to shush the crowd, "Now, now, no cheering now. Remember, the point of these meetings is to curb our homicidal tendencies!"

The crowd muttered and hissed their disapproval, but the cheering stopped, and Tom continued.

"That pretty much brings things up to the present. Right now I'm concentrating on rebuilding my following and, of course, plotting appropriate ways to torture the bane of my existence," Tom concluded and the looked over at the wizard in charge. "Can I sit down now?"

"Of course, of course, that was very good, Tom. You'll make a lovely addition to our group!" the wizard assumed Tom's place behind the podium. "Now, where were we? Oh yes, Christopher, have you had time to think over your question from last week?"

The wizard in question nodded. The wizard in charge nodded, and then turned to address Tom quickly. "Every week, one evil overlord is asked a question. If he can answer it right away, he does. If not, he has the week to ponder his answer," with a smile he turned back to Christopher. "Why don't you stand up, repeat your question for those who have forgotten, and then tell us your answer?"

The wizard stood up and cleared his throat. His hollow voice drifted out from behind the hooded cloak hiding his face. "The question was, what constitutes a senseless use of the Cruciatus Curse. My answer is, using the Cruciatus Curse on a fellow wizard who cuts you off on his broomstick." He turned to the wizard in charge for approval.

The wizard in charge nodded eagerly, "Very good, Christopher. Remember, evil overlords, broomstick traffic can get sticky, but the Cruciatus Curse is never the answer. Now, on that note, I want all of you to repeat after me: There is no excuse for senseless murder."

"There is no excuse for senseless murder!" the crowd chorused.

"There is no excuse for senseless Muggle torture!"

The crowd chorused the line back to their leader.

"There is no excuse for senseless use of the Unforgivable Curses!"

The wizard in charge smiled broadly as the group of wizards chorused this line back to him as well. "Very good," he crowed. "These three things are very important to remember. If ever you feel your temper is getting out of control, just think back to what we've discussed tonight." He glanced down at his watch. "I know you are all very busy wizards, what with Dark Wizard gatherings and all, so we'll get right down to this weeks question. Tom," he called to the newcomer, "I hate to single you out since you're new, but we do like everyone to participate, so this question is for you: Imagine you are at a meeting with your followers. One comes up to you and tells you he has been unable to accomplish the task you set for him. What do you do?"

"Cruciatus Curse," Tom answered immediately.

The wizard in charge shook his head, "That's not the spirit of these meetings, that's what we're trying to overcome! Jude," he called to another wizard. "What would you do in that situation?"

"Cruciatus."

"No no no!" the wizard in charge exclaimed. "Is there anyone here who would do anything else?"

The wizards in the crowd all shook their heads no. The wizard in charge sighed. "All right. Well, Tom, why don't you think on that for this week, and get back to us next week with your answer."

Tom nodded his assent.

"Okay, then, before we break up, does anyone have any announcements?" A wizard in the front row raised his hand. "Ah, yes, Matthew?"

"I've heard from a source that there will be some good Muggle baiting outside of Newcastle this weekend, if anyone is interested in coming," he hissed from underneath his hood.

"Yes, yes, good fun for all," the wizard in charge chirped. "Anyone else?" Tom raised his hand. "Tom, our newcomer, yes, do feel free to speak up at any time!"

"As I said I am rebuilding my following. If anyone would like to join me, or even discuss allying his followers with mine, there will be an informational meeting next Tuesday night. I have cards here that give the specific time and location," Tom showed his stack of cards to the crowd.

The wizard in charge squinted at the cards to get a better look from far away and spoke again, "Now that does sound like good family fun. I may have to come to that meeting myself. Well, if there is nothing else..."

No one else raised their hand to make an announcement so the wizards stood up and moved towards the front of the room. Confused, Tom followed. The wizards formed a circle around the podium and reluctantly joined hands. The wizard in charge slipped into the circle and grabbed the hands of the two wizards nearest him.

The wizards began to chant, "Together we can curb our homicidal tendencies! Together we can curb our homicidal tendencies! Together we can curb our homicidal tendencies!"

After the third time through, they let out a cheer, broke apart, and began to clap. A moment later, the wizard in charge said, "Good meeting, you all. Same time, same place next week!"

With that, the meeting ended and the evil overlords filed quickly out of the room.

The End.