Once More with Phoenix

Once More with Phoenix

Scene 2

I’ve got a Theory

It’s Saturday morning. Hermione, Ron, Parvati, Cho, Marietta, Luna and Neville are in the Room of Requirement getting ready for a DA meeting; everyone is sitting on cushions on the floor reading books about hexes, jinxes and countercurses except for Luna, who is reading an upside-down copy of the Quibbler. Harry enters, looking distracted; everyone looks up from their reading but Luna and Marietta. Hermione is eating toast while she reads.

HERMIONE

Good morning, Harry. How was your detention with Umbridge last night?

RON

You must have come in late; I didn’t hear you. Reckon I was already asleep.

HARRY

Erm, yeah, I reckon I heard you snoring.

Hermione and Ron glance at each other, looking confused about why Harry sounds confused. Harry walks past them.

LUNA

Did someone say they saw a Snorkack?

They all stare at her as though she’s barmy. Ron speaks to her as though she is a very slow small child.

RON

(rolling his eyes)

Noooo. Harry said SNORING. Not Snorkack.

HARRY

So, what’s everybody doing? What particular spells are you reading about? Anything about--well--

HERMIONE

No, nothing in particular. I think everyone’s just looking up whatever seems useful. I feel the need to improve my jinxes, so that’s what I’m reading about...

HARRY

Okay. Great. So, um, last night, did anybody, erm, well, last night, did anybody--burst into song?

Everyone freezes; Hermione’s toast-chewing slows and then stops while she stares at Harry, wide-eyed, and Ron stands up shakily. Even Luna and Marietta pay attention now.

RON

Great Merlin!

CHO

(standing and gesturing to Marietta)

We thought it was just us!

HERMIONE

(also standing)

I sang, but Parvati was playing her sitar in our room...

PARVATI

It was bizarre...

CHO

We were talking.

MARIETTA

Then it was--

HARRY

(nodding, his arms crossed)

Like you were in a musical.

HERMIONE

That WOULD explain the huge backing orchestra we couldn’t see...

PARVATI

...and the synchronized dancing from the first years...

RON ,

Angelina and I were having a row about when to have Quidditch practice. Then everything rhymed and there were harmonies...

NEVILLE

And then the two of you did that dance with your brooms and the Quaffle.

RON

(shuddering)

It was very disturbing.

HERMIONE

What did you sing about, Harry?

Harry hesitates, then looks straight at her, shaking his head.

HARRY

I don’t remember. But it seemed perfectly normal.

RON

(wagging his finger)

But disturbing, and not the natural order of things.

NEVILLE

Do you think it’ll happen again?

HARRY

I don’t know. We should look into it.

MARIETTA

Well, we’ve already got these books...

CHO

Do we HAVE any books on this?

HERMIONE

We’ve just got to be logical about this...look at all of the possibilities before it happens again.

RON

I, for one--

NEVILLE

(getting to his feet and singing, holding his index finger in the air)

I’ve got a theory
That it’s the Dark Lord...

LUNA

(pointing to a headline on the front of the Quibbler)

Dark Lord of the Dance!

HERMIONE

(also singing)

No, no, something isn’t right there...

No one is speaking now; all dialogue is sung. Marietta and Cho both scramble to their feet.

MARIETTA

I’ve got a theory that Harry’s dreaming....

CHO

(doing “jazz hands”)

...and we’re all stuck inside his wacky West End nightmare?

NEVILLE

I’ve got a theory we should work this out.

Everyone who was sitting now stands; the entire company except for Harry sway back and forth while singing.

ALL BUT HARRY

It’s getting eerie, what’s this cheery singing all about?

RON

(breaking out of the ‘chorus line,’ pointing at Cho and Marietta)

It could be Ravenclaws, some evil Ravenclaws...

The girls glare at him with wands out; Ron smiles feebly and backs away, continuing to sing.

RON, cont’d.

Which is ridiculous ‘cause Ravenclaw is Flitwick’s house
They’re really smart and love to learn and Eagle Power
And I’ll be over here.

LUNA

(having ignored Ron’s Ravenclaw remark)

I’ve got a theory--it could be Snorkacks.

Everyone stares at her again as though she’s mad; crickets are chirping; after a pause the singing continues....

MARIETTA

I’ve got a theory--

Luna leaps to the side; an invisible heavy-metal rock band seems to be backing her up, the lights in the room have dimmed and a laser light show and explosions accompany her; she plays air guitar as she sings.

LUNA

Snorkacks aren’t mythical like everyone supposes
They got them crumpled horns and fire-shooting noses!
But why are they a secret?
Aren’t we wizards more powerful than them anyway?
Snorkacks! Snorkacks! It must be Snorkacks!

There is silence and the others in the room are staring incredulously at her again. She seems undisturbed by this and sits, shrugging.

LUNA, cont’d.

...or maybe goblins?

PARVATI

(turning her back on Luna)

I’ve got a theory we should brew some potions.

Neville grabs her hand and twirls her; as they sing they start to tango.

PARVATI & NEVILLE

Before the music makes us synchronize all of our motions...

Ron and Hermione stand on either side of Harry, flanking him; the three of them face the others.

HARRY

I’ve got a theory--it doesn’t matter--

HERMIONE

(singing over Harry’s held note, harmonizing with him)

What can’t we fight if we’re together?

RON

We’re in the right, that’s even better.

HARRY

Lord Voldemort? That’s why we’re here.

HARRY, RON & HERMIONE

We’ve all been trained, why should we fear?

ALL

What can’t we do with all our power?
The one who did this will soon cower.
We shall succeed; it’s just what’s right.
We’re all we need to win the fight.
What can’t we fight if we’re together?

PARVATI

(harmonizing with the others)

...what can’t we fight...?

ALL

We’re in the right, that’s even better.

HERMIONE

(also harmonizing)

...if we’re together...

ALL

There’s nothing we can’t fight...

LUNA

(forlornly)

Except for Snorkacks...

Everyone returns to speaking instead of singing.

NEVILLE

(sitting shakily)

See? Okay, that was disturbing.

MARIETTA

I thought it was brilliant.

HARRY

(turning to Hermione)

So what is it?

RON

(also looking to Hermione)

What’s causing it?

CHO

(speaking to Harry but giving Hermione a hostile look)

I thought it didn’t matter?

HARRY

Well, I’m not about to go running home to my Muggle relatives and declare my undying love for them just to escape some singing and dancing, but there’s definitely some dark magic going on here...

RON

...and that doesn’t usually lead to brilliant parties with hot-and-cold-running butterbeer...

PARVATI

Well, is it just us? Witches and wizards?

HERMIONE

Well, I could write to my parents to find out if they’ve been singing and dancing, but if we could find some house elves we could learn whether it’s just humans or--

Suddenly the Room of Requirement causes a dozen house elves to appear; they are waving tea towels around that match the ones they are wearing, except for Dobby and Winky, who are wearing old mismatched children’s clothes and leading the elves in their production number.

DOBBY & WINKY

(sounding like Munchkins with a head cold)

We got - the butterbeer - OUT!

ELVEN CHORUS

(more high-pitched, screechily singing in harmony)

We got the butterbeer OUT!

The number ends with numerous elves turning cartwheels while the rest form a pyramid; Winky is on top, holding up the clean tea towel, while Dobby is in front of the pyramid doing “jazz hands” on either side of his face. The kids watch silently, with dropped jaws, while the elves bow and then disappear with loud cracks.

HARRY & RON

It’s not just us.

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