And Chaos Ensued

Leaving Left-Armless Alex behind, the group returned to the Great Hall to finish their lunch at last. Remus happily dragged Lucius behind him by a rope.

Everyone had just sat down when an odd noise from under the table prompted them to jump back to their feet. Ron bent down and pulled up the edge of the tablecloth. Gasps, laughter, and hysterical barking greeted the sight that awaited them.

Monica and Snape, who had lipstick all over his pallid face, were entangled in a rather compromising position. Doggett rushed forward and tugged frantically at the hem of Snape's robes, as Monica crawled out from under the table. Blushing quite a bit, she wiped her lips and reached for her martini.

But before she could grab it, Remus stretched out a hand and snatched it away. He held it to his nose and sniffed it. "Does this smell strange to you?" He handed it to Sirius, who smelled the drink in turn.

"Doesn't smell like any martini I've ever had, that's for sure," Sirius agreed.

"I knew it," said Remus, dumping the drink on the floor. "I never would have put this past Snape--"

"What do you mean?" Scully asked.

Sirius was laughing uproariously behind his hands, but Remus took time to explain. "It seems Professor Snape was a little taken with Ms. Reyes, and so he spiked her martini with a Love Potion that he made himself."

"Well, that explains it," said Scully. "I was wondering why her standards for men had suddenly plummetted to... that." She pointed at Snape, who glowered as he rolled out from under the table.

The mystery of Snape and Reyes's behaviour solved, lunch resumed at last. As they ate, Mulder and Scully were observing Harry and Hermione.

They had approached the corner where Remus had dumped Lucius once again. Mulder and Scully couldn't hear from all the way across the room, but it was clear from the fury on Lucius's face that they were taunting him. Pushing off against the wall with his feet, Lucius lunged at Hermione's legs and knocked her over; Harry promptly kicked him in the ribs just as Hermione shot another Stunning Spell at him. Harry pulled Hermione to her feet and together they walked back towards the table.

"Look at that, Scully," said Mulder. "They depend on each other... they're equal and strong and they respect each other. She's got the brains and he's got the brawn... now who does that remind me of?"

"I don't know," said Scully. "I just can't put my finger on it."

"But they're definitely gonna get together later," said Mulder.

"Oh, definitely. You can totally tell."

"Even if it takes them seven years..."

Harry was now staring into Hermione's corrugated cardboard-brown eyes, and Hermione into his zucchini-green ones. Simultaneously they nodded and started walking off.

"No secrets at the table, Harry," said Sirius.

"Yeah," said Ron, "would you mind sharing with the poor primitive people who still use the spoken word to communicate?"

Harry sighed in frustration. "Fine."

"Remind me, Harry," said Hermione. "How long have we known each other?"

"Seven years."

"Right then, you heard the people. Let's go snog."

Hand in hand, Harry and Hermione left the Great Hall.

"Well that was easy," said Scully. "I think we just resolved some sexual tension, Mulder. And it wasn't even ours."

"Our work here is done."

"So it is," said Professor McGonagall, who had just entered the Great Hall. "I've checked with Henry, and despite his age he insists that he hasn't made a mistake in the records. He says he would know if he was simply having a senior moment, so, there you are. Therefore, Agents, your son is most definitely not a wizard." She paused and looked at William, who was laughing and juggling empty plates without touching them. "He is just a very, very strange child."

Scully sighed, discouraged. "Well then, I guess it's back to our... other theories." She glanced tiredly at Mulder.

"Cheer up, Scully," he said, with a huge smile. "Having an alien baby is way cooler than having a wizard baby." She rolled her eyes and slapped him hard on the arm.

Meanwhile, Doggett was whimpering pathetically and tugging as hard as he could on McGonagall's robes. She looked down and wrinkled her nose.

"Look at the ears on that thing," McGonagall remarked, then gasped in realization. "Oh! That's you, Agent Doggett! I'd completely forgotten!"

Doggett's entire body relaxed in relief, and he wagged his tail for the first time.

"I'm so sorry!" McGonagall continued. "Here, let me fix you-" She extended her wand towards him, but suddenly Mulder moved in between her and Doggett.

Scully frowned. "Mulder, really. The poor man has had enough torment for one day. Let the Professor change him back!"

"It's not that," said Mulder, looking uneasily at McGonagall's wand. "I just think that for the sake of everyone, especially the young eyes present, Agent Dog might want to crawl into that suit over there before he becomes Agent Doggett."

Doggett's eyes went wide, then he all but teleported over to his pile of clothes, crawled back into the suit and shirt, and waited there patiently.

McGonagall waved her wand, and another jet of carnation-pink light snaked its way into the suit. A flash of light momentarily blinded everyone; when they looked again, John Doggett lay there, stunned and blinking, for a few moments before he slowly got to his feet and looked around. He straightened his suit, checked behind him for the presence of a tail, and, finding none, said in a voice that channelled Clint Eastwood, "Well I dunno about you guys, but I'm ready to go home. Gotta clean my gun and watch some more NASCAR."

"In case you were, for some odd reason, questioning his manliness," Mulder muttered sarcastically.

Reyes threw her arms around Doggett happily, and he smirked at Snape, who was standing nearby and now looking fairly grumpy.

"Miss me?" Doggett asked Reyes, and swiftly bent her over backwards as he kissed her. Reyes suddenly squirmed wildly in his arms and pushed him away, mumbling something about tasting like rat. "Sorry," Doggett muttered, and wiped his mouth self-consciously.

"Sorry," said the rat, and Doggett clutched his stomach in horror.

"That's gotta be uncomfortable," Ron commented.

"Oh, nothing a little rat poison won't fix," said Snape.

"John, I promise, we're going to get you the best doctors," said Reyes. "You can have your pick of gastroenterologists from the NYPD, the Marines, not to mention the standard Bureau..." She suddenly stopped and raised her eyebrows at his hair.

"Umm... you've got something... right there," she said awkwardly, pointing at the black hairbow. Doggett reached up and ripped it from his head like it was burning him, then threw it on the ground and stomped on it until it was properly dead.

Snape laughed harshly, but quickly shut up when Doggett narrowed his eyes and stormed towards him. "And YOU!" he growled, pointing an angry finger at the professor, who raised an eyebrow. "What the hell did you think you were doing, drugging my partner with that... that..."

"Magical love potion?" Reyes filled in.

Doggett paused. "Monica, I'm sure it was just GHB or ergot or something-"

"It was NOT!" Snape protested.

"That's not the point!" Doggett snapped. "The point is that you're lucky I don't find your face worthy to meet my fist, because if I can beat the bleep out of Arnold Schwarzenegger, imagine what I could do to you!" With that, he turned on his heels, grabbed Monica's arm, and dragged her towards the door.

Monica leaned to whisper in his ear. "John, you never beat up Arnold Schwarzen-"

Doggett waved his hand dismissively. "The stupid bleep doesn't even know who Arnold Schwarzenegger is."

Mulder and Scully hastily collected their belongings, including their sleepy son, and hurried after them, murmuring thanks and apologies to McGonagall, Snape, Sirius, Remus, and the remaining students-- Ron, Fred, and George.

"Monica!" Snape cried just before the doors closed behind the agents. "I'll send you an owl, my love!

Sunday, June 20, 2003

8:32 PM

Back in their own time zone, the four agents took a stroll along the Potomac River, after a very generous meal at Denny's. The bill was only nine dollars for all four of them, including drinks and dessert.

"Well that was an interesting trip," said Doggett.

"In more ways than one," said Reyes, alluding to her GHB/ergot/magical love potion escapades.

"Yeah," said Scully. "Oh, and John, have you called a doctor about your... stomach problem?"

Doggett sighed. "Yeah, I have an appointment tomorrow. The procedure doesn't sound pretty, though. I think they're basically going to do a rat abortion."

Everyone cringed.

"I'm pro-life!" the rat cried in desperation.

"Sorry, buddy," said Doggett, patting his stomach. "My body, my choice."

Reyes, shockingly enough, smiled. "So, what do you guys want to do now? Call it a feeling, but it seems too early to go home. I'm ready for a little more downtown fun..." She giggled, and Doggett could barely keep his eyes from rolling.

Mulder checked his watch. "Actually, guys, Scully and I have to go. We're needed in some ten-year-old's fluffy plotless shipperfic in ten minutes." He cleared his throat and stared into Scully's Cookie-Monster-blue eyes. "Scully we have been through so much together how could I not love you because you save me from myself and you help me find the truth that we both need so bad so will you marry me?" He paused and seemed to snap out of whatever brainless funk he was in. "How was that?"

"I think I'm going to vomit," said Scully.

Mulder nodded, very pleased. "Good. Looks like we're ready to go. Don't forget, we've gotta pick up William at your mom's place."

Doggett frowned. "Will's with your mother? Um, are you sure she's gonna be okay?"

Scully nodded. "Oh, yeah. Don't worry, she always wears a helmet."

"All right, guys, see you at work tomorrow," Mulder called as he rushed Scully off towards the nearest cab.

Doggett looked at Reyes awkwardly. "Uh... maybe we should call it a night, too?"

"We can't call it a night," said Reyes, pouting. "We're falling behind in the shipper races. We've got to practice our angst. In fact, I should probably be in a car-accident-induced coma right now."

Doggett sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Ooookay," he said tiredly, and offered his arm to Reyes. "Let's get you some beer and put you behind the wheel, then."

She took his arm cheerfully and they headed for the nearest bar. But suddenly Monica noticed something in the sky, circling overhead. She stopped walking and looked up curiously.

"Hey, is that an owl?"

Doggett followed her gaze and spotted what was, indeed, a spotted brown owl descending towards them. His eyes widened and he pulled his gun faster than Wyatt Earp, quickly shooting the poor bird dead. It hit the ground at Doggett's feet, most of its feathers slowly floating down to join it.

Monica stared in horror at the decimated owl, which was not, in fact, holding a message. Doggett threw an arm around Monica's waist and glared unremorsefully at the lifeless pile of bloody feathers.

"Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"