And Chaos Ensued

June 19, 2003

11:32 AM G.M.T. (6:32 AM E.S.T.)

A bit jet-lagged from their early morning flight, the Agents slowly approached the gate of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. They caught sight of an old man squinting in their direction. He was very tall, and had very long silver-grey hair and beard. His emerald-green robes touched the cobblestone path on which he stood. He adjusted his glasses as they approached, setting them nearer to his pale blue eyes.

"Welcome to Hogwarts!" he said cheerfully, shaking Mulder's hand. "You must be Fox."

"Mulder," Mulder corrected him. "This is Agent Scully and our son William, and Agents Doggett and Reyes," he said, gesturing to each of them in turn.

"Pleased to meet you," said the old man. "I have heard so much about you. I must say, your work on the X-Files is quite impressive." He cleared his throat. "My name is Albus Dumbledore, and I am the headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. My job is to run the school and to make sure that visiting FBI agents-- and their children-- have comfortable stays here."

William laughed as Dumbledore winked and smiled at him. Together they walked up the path leading to the great wooden doors of the castle. The doors swung open before they were even within reach of them; the agents watched with raised eyebrows. Dumbledore marched through the stone corridors with enormous strides, humming to himself as he went. The others followed, feeling as if they were in a dream; they tried to ignore the curious stares coming from young witches and wizards in every direction, all uniformed in black robes and tall, pointed hats.

"It's like something out of a kids' book," Doggett whispered to Reyes.

"It is out of a kids' book," Reyes whispered back. Doggett grew quiet, pondering the irony.

Dumbledore led them to the foot of a steeply winding staircase, at the foot of which stood two other professors and a gargoyle. "Minerva, Severus," Dumbledore greeted his waiting colleagues, "these are our guests. Remember, I told you they would be dropping in for a while today?" He introduced the professors to each agent.

"Now, it's time to get down to business," said Dumbledore, clapping his hands. "Fox, Dana, William, and Minerva, I'm going to ask you all to come up to my office and discuss the problem at hand. Severus, would you mind remaining down here with John and Monica?"

"Not at all," said Snape in his smooth voice, not taking his eyes off Reyes. Monica blushed a bit. Doggett narrowed his eyes.

"Mars Bar," said Dumbledore, pointing his wand at the gargoyle. The stairs opened up and he led Mulder, Scully, and McGonagall up the winding steps into his circular office. Scully set William down on a chair once they reached the office. Fawkes the phoenix came down and sat on William's shoulder; Scully loosened her gun in its holster, ready to blast off the bird's pretty little head should it dare try to bite her son.

"I assure you, Fawkes poses no threat to William," Dumbledore told her. "And may I inform you that the phoenix is an endangered species, and should any harm come to Fawkes, you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. As a member of the Order of the Phoenix, a group devoted to the preservation of this remarkable species, I feel obliged to tell you that." He cleared his throat, and gestured to Mulder and Scully to take their seats in front of his desk.

"I understand that you have some questions concerning young William here," said Dumbledore.

"Well, his behavior has been a little strange, to tell you the truth," said Mulder.

"Ah, the truth," said Dumbledore vaguely, and looked mysteriously out of the window. Mulder grinned at Scully as if to say, 'I like this guy.'

There was a minute or so of silence until Professor McGonagall spoke. "I have checked the Hogwarts records," she said. "We have a magical quill, named Henry, that writes down the names of every magical child born, and William's name is not on the list. However, it is entirely possible that Henry slipped up a bit. He's over a thousand years old, after all. Perhaps he is going senile. I'll have to have a talk with him, and get back to you."

Dumbledore turned around and faced them. He clapped his hands again. "That settles it," he said. "Minerva will double-check William's status as a potential wizard, and the rest of us will enjoy the day with our delightful guests." He beamed at Mulder and Scully, who stared. "Oh!" Dumbledore added suddenly. "We'll want our way clear of student distractions; on the other hand, there are some students I would like you to meet, and they can hardly meet you if they're in class, can they?"

Dumbledore pointed his wand at his throat and said, "Sonorus." He pocketed his wand and plugged his ears. "ATTENTION, ALL HOGWARTS STUDENTS!"

Scully covered William's ears; Mulder covered Scully's, and waited courageously for the noise to lessen.

"TODAY'S CLASSES HAVE BEEN CANCELED FOR PLOT PURPOSES. PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY HOLIDAY. THANK YOU; THAT IS ALL. Quietus."

A deafening cheer about fifty decibels lower than Dumbledore's voice thundered from every classroom, hallway, lavatory, and secret chamber. "Please follow me," Dumbledore said happily, and started down the steps. Mulder, who had gone temporarily deaf, didn't move; Scully tapped on his shoulder and motioned for him to descend the stairs behind her.

"I'm a big fan of your work on the X-Files," Snape was just starting to say to Reyes, and step a little closer to her, when the gargoyle opened again and out stepped Dumbledore and the others. Snape stopped in his tracks and reassumed his silent, eerie demeanour. Dumbledore filled them in on the plans for the day.

"Right now we'll go down to the Great Hall for lunch," he said. "There you can meet a few more Hogwarts celebrities. I'm sure we'll all have a great time."

They trouped through the hallways, Dumbledore in the lead. Suddenly he stopped, peered into a room from an open door on his left, and led them all in. It was an empty room, completely round, with three padlocked doors across the room from where they now stood. Thirteen unlit candles floated near the walls; the only other object was a mirror, standing upright in the centre of the room.

"The Mirror of Erised," Dumbledore announced, "may be of interest to you, or to your curiosities if nothing else. This mirror, of unknown magical origins, will show you the deepest desire of your hearts."

Nobody moved, save Scully, who rolled her eyes.

"Don't be intimidated," Dumbledore said. "Go on, give it a try, somebody."

Snape leaned sideways and whispered into Reyes's ear in a low monotone. "I dare not gaze into it, my lady, for fear that I would see your face beside mine, and embarrass you."

"Does he always act like this?" Doggett, annoyed, asked Dumbledore loudly. Snape, his attention fixated on Reyes, didn't even hear.

"Not at all," replied Dumbledore, glancing quickly at Snape. "He is acting uncharacteristically... uncharacteristic today." He paused. "Do you know why this is, John?"

Doggett did know. "Plot purposes."

"Plot purposes, indeed," agreed Dumbledore. "More specifically, humour purposes. Just be thankful for his atypical state. I assure you, it is much more pleasant today than it normally is around Professor Snape. He is usually, for lack of a better word, a bastard. So, do not complain."

Doggett was about to point out that he'd heavily prefer Snape in his classic "bastard" demeanour than in this bizarre "Romeo" bearing, when a movement behind him interrupted him. Mulder sidestepped in front of the Mirror, and glanced where his reflection should have been.

He blinked a few times and said in a tone of false wonder, "Diana?" He turned to Scully, grinned stupidly at his own joke, and waited for her reaction.

Scully stepped in front of him and gazed into the Mirror. "Walter? Mmm, you've been working out, haven't you?" She then turned on the spot, raised an eyebrow at Mulder, and walked over to stop William from eating one of the floating candles. Mulder's grin evaporated.

Before Doggett had a chance to use the Mirror (in which he expected to see Professor Severus Snape's head upon a platter in a puddle of its own grease), Dumbledore clapped his hands and it vanished in a whiff of green smoke. "We had better move on," he said cheerily, "or we shall miss lunch. And what a terrible thing that would be!"