Swept From the Past

Chapter 37: A Christmas Miracle -- part one

Severus stared at Burns. She looked peaceful and her face had regained colour. Her icy tears had thawed out, wetting her face. How long had he stayed at her side? One? Two hours? Had he missed his classes? He didn't care. Burns rested in his arms. Her head lay on his shoulder and her hand was enclosed in his. Nothing in the world would have made him let go of it.

She looked so harmless when she was sleeping in his arms. So beautiful... He kissed her again. But he had to stop. If he continued, she would eventually wake up and notice what he was doing. Severus fought his Slytherin temper and just kept enjoying her presence in his arms.

He felt he was connected to her. Knowing that only his contact could heal her gave him a feeling of power. He had the power to save her, although she didn't want to be saved. Some part of her was dependent on him. Some part of her didn't reject him.

Severus cast a quick glance around the room and noticed the Pensieves. He had been so focused on Burns that he hadn't paid attention to them. One of the Pensieves stood at the bottom of the bed. Severus supposed that Burns had used it before she had fallen asleep. But why? Had she put a new memory inside? Checked something? What was in her mind? Severus didn't know.

"What is hidden inside your lovely head, stubborn girl?" he whispered. "Why are you torturing yourself? Give me a chance to make you happy. I promise that I'll never, never hurt you again." Severus couldn't resist. He planted another kiss on her lips.

"Severus," Dumbledore's voice said.

Severus turned his head and straightened up a little, embarrassed to be seen in such an awkward position. What the hell was Dumbledore doing here? Why had he come back? Why did he have to ruin this wonderful moment?

"Your next class is in ten minutes," Dumbledore said softly.

"I don't care," Severus snapped. "Send Filch!"

"I am afraid that he is not the Potions master in this school," Dumbledore replied.

"I won't leave her alone here," Severus hissed.

Dumbledore smiled. "Professor Burns will be all right now," he said. "She will wake up in a few hours." He paused. "Severus," he continued, "Professor Burns will be very angry with you if she finds you here." He cast him a knowing stare.

Severus frowned. Yes, Burns would be furious. He reluctantly laid her back on the mattress and got out of the bed. It took him several seconds more to let go of her hand.

"Come on, Severus," Dumbledore said. Severus cast a last glance at Burns and left the room, cursing the stupid students who had their Potions class now.

***

Harry entered Lupin's room in the Shrieking Shack, as he had often done since Lupin's human appearance had been restored. As usual, Lupin was seated on his bed in the cage, a book on his knees. Miss Linsay was watching over him, sitting at her desk.

"Harry," Lupin said, smiling.

He looked better. This Lupin had nothing in common with the man in torn clothes Harry had seen in front of Hagrid's hut. He was back to normal. And for once, he was even wearing a new set of modern wizard clothes.

"I'll leave you alone," Miss Linsay said. She stood up and left.

"Professor Lupin," Harry said. "How are you doing?"

"Fine," Lupin replied. "The last potion that Severus prepared worked pretty well. No transformation since last week!"

"Glad you feel better," Harry responded.

"I know," Lupin replied. He paused. "So," he said. "Anything new in Hogwarts?"

"Not much," Harry replied. "Ron and Hermione are still mad at each other. And Snape gave me a 'T' on my last exam."

"T?" Lupin frowned.

"He paired me with Neville," Harry grumbled, remembering his last Potions class and Snape's smirk when he had given Harry and Neville their mark. "Neville added the wrong ingredients," Harry said. "The cauldron exploded. Funny, those ingredients weren't even supposed to be in the potion. I don't know how they ended up on our table."

"Well," Lupin replied, throwing a knowing glance at Harry. "It happens sometimes... Always check the ingredients before adding them, just in case..."

Yes, just in case. Snape had probably done it on purpose. Or was it one of the Slytherins' tricks?

"Oh," Harry said, "and I saw Trelawney in the corridors." He grimaced. "She said that I was going to be drowned. I'm supposed to throw myself into the lake on the third of June."

"She's precise..." Lupin replied, laughing.

"She's nuts," Harry retorted.

"A little eccentric maybe," Lupin replied. An awkward silence followed.

"Er," Harry said with embarrassment. He wanted to ask Lupin advice for the Spring Ball.

"Yes?" Lupin asked.

"There's also..." Harry continued, "...the Spring Ball." Harry tried to hide his disappointment. "I'd like to ask someone," he said, "but..." But Ginny had a crush on Alphonso... Even if the man would not invite her -- come on, Ginny was in fifth year --, she had a crush on him! Harry didn't stand a chance against him.

"It's not easy to ask someone to a Ball," Lupin said.

"No," Harry replied, remembering how difficult it had been for him to find a partner for the Yule Ball. "What did you do when you were in Hogwarts?" Harry asked. "How did you ask a girl to the Ball?"

"Well," Lupin said, blushing. "I... I went with Katarina. Except in sixth and seventh year."

"You went with Burns?" Harry exclaimed. His mouth fell agape. "But I thought that she was like a sister to you!"

"Er," Lupin replied awkwardly, "yes, she definitely was. But I was not very... talented when it came to talking to girls."

Harry cast Lupin a questioning look.

"James and Sirius were always the first to find partners," Lupin responded. "And Peter..." Harry saw a shadow pass over Lupin's face, "I mean, Pettigrew... well, he didn't have much luck."

Harry was pleased to hear that girls pushed Pettigrew away. He deserved it!

"James and Sirius were so popular and good at everything," Lupin continued. "I wasn't like them. I just thought I would be rejected like Pettigrew. Being a werewolf... changes a lot of things in your life, even if no one knows. And I was young. So I said I didn't want to go to the Ball. But Katarina insisted on being my partner. She knew that I was not self-confident enough to ask anyone."

"What happened in sixth year?" Harry asked. "You said you didn't go with Burns."

"I was older in sixth year," Lupin responded. He cleared his throat and blushed a little. "Actually, Sirius and James arranged a date for me, because Sirius wanted to be Katarina's partner. But she refused his invitation anyway." Remus chortled. "In seventh year, I finally asked a girl and she immediately agreed to go with me. I realised that it was easier than I thought. So if you want my advice, go ask the girl you want to go with."

"But if she turns me down?" Harry asked.

"What if she agrees?" Lupin retorted.

But Harry also feared that she would agree.

"It... would be frightening in both cases," Harry confessed. He was confused.

"I know," Lupin responded. "But another boy could ask her if you don't."

Harry remembered how odd it had been to ask Cho and discover she'd already had a partner. Was he ready to experience this again with Ginny? He sighed. "Ok," he said. "I'll... think about it." He paused, feeling more awkward than ever. "By the way," he asked, trying to think of something else. "Why did Burns go to the Ball with Sirius in seventh year?"

Lupin sighed. "In short," he said, "she had quarrelled with Severus. It's a very complicated and private story, Harry. You just have to know that there was nothing between Sirius and her."

Harry was still irritated by this 'it's a private story' thing. But he wanted to know something else.

"What about my parents?" Harry asked.

"They went to the Spring Ball together," Lupin responded.

"I know," Harry replied. "I mean... after Hogwarts. I don't know much about them. I learnt more about Sirius and Dad than about Mum and Dad!"

Remus laughed. "I see what you mean," he said. "Sirius and James were always together, playing tricks. Listen... When Lily and James left Hogwarts, they got married. They moved to a flat in London. Then they had you. I think that it was the happiest moment of their lives. Of course, Sirius often went to visit them, since his flat was close to James'. But I don't think that it bothered Lily. James spent a lot of time with her. He cared for her very much."

"Really?" Harry asked.

"Oh yes," Lupin replied. "Their marriage was a real success."

"So what did you mean when you said that you 'envied Snape and Burns'?" Harry asked.

An awkward silence followed. "Harry," Lupin said, "It's just... linked to the context. I don't want to speak about that. As I said, it's private."

"You're always saying that!" Harry exclaimed. "Why don't you tell me the truth?"

"Harry," Lupin replied. "Think of the girl you want to invite to the Ball. Would you like people to ask about your life? Wouldn't you think it'd be something private?"

Although he was very curious, Harry had to admit that Lupin was right. At least... partly right.

"Maybe," Harry replied with aggression. "But I'm not 'people.' I'm her... sort of godson. Something happened to her in the past and I don't have the right to know? I'm meant to see her die without understanding anything?"

Lupin's face whitened suddenly. "What did you say?" he asked in a whisper.

Harry's eyes flew open. He realised he had made a big mistake. "You... you didn't know?" he asked.

"What don't I know?" Lupin asked, emotion in his voice. "Tell me immediately, Harry!"

"Burns said that she had less than six -- I mean five now -- months to live," Harry replied. He felt guilty. Why had he mentioned that in front of Lupin? It would hurt him. But now it was too late for secrets. "She said that she didn't want me to get attached to her," Harry continued. "That she wanted to be freed."

Lupin stared at the floor. He looked deep in thought and appeared to have stopped breathing.

"So that's why she ignored me," he murmured sadly. He sighed deeply.

***

Burns woke up late in the afternoon. It took her several minutes to know where she was. She'd had strange dreams. It had started with terrible nightmares and awful sensations. Then Burns had felt pacified, as if a comforting presence had watched over her. She had felt a deep, reassuring warmth beside her, around her, on her face and hands... Where did that sensation come from? There was no one in the room. It had seemed so real, that... No, it had just been a dream. A new illusion. And illusions were dangerous. Burns had to control that stupid habit of seeing and feeling things that didn't exist.

Her dreams had destroyed Katarina. She had thought that she'd almost reached them, but she was wrong. Reality had come back, more fierce and cruel than ever. It had taken all that mattered to her.

Burns went to the back of her bed, sat, and looked at her Pensieve...

***

Hogwarts, twenty-two of December, third year of Katarina's Auror's training.

Katarina woke up and prepared herself in the bathroom. She had spent the night thinking of Severus' attitude. She didn't understand anything. He could be so cold with her sometimes and the next second be so tender! Why? Sometimes, he was the Slytherin who had taught her Potions in sixth year. Someone who liked to hurt her. And sometimes, he was the one who had helped her in front of Malfoy in fifth year, who had danced with her at the Spring Ball and said that he loved her. How could he both love her and hurt her at the same time?

Katarina thought of Sirius. She wondered what would have happened if she had dated him at Hogwarts. If she had forced herself to give him a chance. Katarina and Sirius were at the same University, so if they had dated, they'd have been close to each other. No need to send Owls. No need to write passionate letters and receive cold responses. They'd have studied together, always been together. A simpler life. However, that would have never been enough.

Her relationship with Severus was quite the opposite. Of course, Severus always put barriers between them. Beyond the fact that they were separated by distance, Katarina knew that something else separated them. She didn't know what it was, but she felt it could make their relationship fail. It scared her. Sometimes, she was sure that Severus loved her, and sometimes, she was convinced that he didn't. It was a strange impression.

But despite all the barriers Severus put up, something invisible linked Katarina to him -- a closeness she would have never had with Sirius, even if he had lived with her. A closeness she would have probably never had with anyone else. It was the reason why her relationship with Severus had lasted so long, although they didn't see each other much. But it was time for them to have a conversation.

Katarina decided she would speak to Severus today. She wanted the barriers to collapse. She wanted to understand.

Severus had planned to join her for breakfast at her chambers at nine. Cooky prepared everything and left. Severus knocked at the door. He was very punctual, as usual.

"Come in," Katarina said.

Severus entered.

"Good morning, Love," he said.

"Good--" Kat replied. He kissed her before she could finish her sentence. "... Morning..." she said finally, smiling.

"Now, my morning is good," Severus retorted. "I would take kisses for breakfast every day if I could."

"Well, I'd give you those everyday if I could," she replied.

They sat and started eating. They spoke about a few things: Severus' work, Katarina's studies, the recent events in their lives. Then Katarina decided to talk about what bothered her so much.

"I wonder..." she asked, "why were you so cold with me yesterday, Honey?"

Severus took a drink. Then he put his glass down. He seemed to be ill at ease.

"I... wasn't in a good mood," he replied. He cleared his throat. "At certain periods of the month, I'm rather irascible."

Katarina burst into laughter.

"What?" Severus asked. He raised an eyebrow.

"Hey!" Kat replied. "That's what I'm supposed to say!"

Severus upper lip curled.

"Seriously," Kat continued. "Why? Were you angry because of the way I was dressed?"

"No," Severus responded. "You were beautiful."

"But you said--" Kat uttered.

"What I said doesn't matter," Severus interrupted. "I kept thinking of you all night. I was tired. I splattered tea on my robes at breakfast. It angered me for the whole day. When I saw you, you became my victim." He took her hand and placed a kiss on the hollow of her wrist. Then he returned to his tea.

Katarina felt relieved. But something else bothered her. Something she had never really talked about with him.

"Severus," she said finally, "I'd like to speak with you about something."

Severus looked intrigued. "Yes, Kat?" he replied.

"It's... it's not easy to ask you this, but..." she said awkwardly. "You know we've been together for more than three years now..."

Severus frowned. It was not a good sign. Did he know what she was going to ask him?

"Maybe we could..." she continued, "you know...?"

"Could what?" Severus snapped. Why was he so sharp?

"Be... together," Katarina said.

"We're already together," Severus replied coldly. "For more than three years now. You've already said it."

Katarina swallowed. "I mean," she said, gathering her courage, "really be... together."

"I don't understand," Severus hissed. He looked at his watch. "The Headmaster is expecting me in his office at ten. I must go now." He stood up brutally. Had he thought that she was talking about marriage? And would he act like the previous day? She'd had enough!

"Severus!" Katarina exclaimed, standing up too. "I'm talking about making love!"

Severus stopped in his tracks. He turned back to her.

"Making love?" he asked, disdain in his voice. Now it was enough. Katarina was irate.

"Did your Mudblood friend put that silly idea in your head?" he asked.

"What?" Katarina exclaimed, shocked.

"Ever since the Potters had their little brat, you want to imitate her!" Severus hissed. "Is that a new fashion?"

"A new fashion?" Katarina yelled. "A new fashion??? I'm with my boyfriend for three years, I ask him to make love to me, and he says I follow FASHION?"

"Women and their hormones!" Severus replied disdainfully. "Motherhood!"

"That's not true and you know it!" Katarina shouted. "I don't want children just yet! In six or seven years, maybe, but not now!"

"All women say that," Severus whispered under his breath. "But they use men to get what they want!"

Katarina was horrified. "All women say that?" she repeated, flabbergasted. "Tell me, you seem to be well informed," she shouted, revolted. "I'd like to know how many women said that to you!"

"Don't be ridiculous," Severus replied sharply. "You're the only woman in my life. But I don't need to be involved in such a situation to know that it's the truth."

"Do you think that I could... do that to you?" Katarina exclaimed, her eyes wide opened. "Use you... betray you? Do you have such a bad opinion of me?" How could he think that of her? How could he believe she'd ever do that to him?

"I don't want to have children," Severus hissed. "Never! So don't imagine I'll give you what you expect!"

Katarina could hardly breathe. So he really thought that she could...? It was so unfair and humiliating that she couldn't express the disappointment she felt. She was deeply hurt.

"I don't care about babies!" Katarina yelled. "I just want you! That's what people are supposed to feel when they're in love! But it seems that you don't feel the same for me!"

"If you really want to have sex that much," Severus replied meanly, "you should ask Black. I'm sure he'll be happy to give you what you want!"

Bastard! Katarina stepped forward and slapped Severus as hard as she could. Severus stepped backwards, shock painted all over his face. A red mark appeared on his left cheek.

"When you kissed me in the library," she said coldly, taking a defiant expression although tears came in her eyes, "I should have hexed you! You're right, maybe Sirius will be happy, and above all, able to give me what I want. You're obviously not!"

Then she snapped her fingers and Disapparated with a Crack.

Katarina Apparated to the shore of the lake, where she used to study with Lily during hot spring days. She fell on her knees on the snowy ground, took her face in her hands and sobbed. She sobbed so much that she thought she'd never stop. Severus had been so mean with her. Not mean, cruel! But the most painful thing, for Katarina, was to realise that she still loved him as much as before. Even after the awful things he had told her, she felt guilty to have slapped him so hard. She felt guilty to love him so much.

She cried for a long time, kneeling on the cold ground. All the pain she had felt for the last two days... for the last five months... or more... came out. Then she felt something on her shoulders. A blanket. She raised her head. Dumbledore stood close to her. He knelt beside her.

"It is very cold there," he said gently. "You will make yourself ill, Katarina."

Katarina had Disapparated without taking a coat. She was frozen, her robes were wet, but she hadn't really noticed until now. She hadn't even noticed she was shivering madly. The Headmaster helped her to stand up. Then he muttered a Drying Spell. Even if she felt a little warmer, Katarina kept shivering. Her teeth chattered.

"You will feel better when you are inside," Dumbledore said.

"How did you find me?" she asked.

"Fawkes," the headmaster replied with a soft smile. "He flew above Hogwarts to see where you were. Then I followed him.

"I don't want to go inside," Katarina said.

Dumbledore frowned.

"I want to leave," she continued.

"Leave?" Dumbledore asked. "Why do you want to leave?"

"I want to be away from him," Katarina replied. "I want to forget about him. That love is going to kill me."

Dumbledore looked worried. "You need to sleep, Katarina. To be in warm blankets and sleep. This is tiring to cry so much."

"Do you think I'll be able to sleep?" Katarina asked. "I don't think so. How could I sleep, knowing that I'm deeply in love with someone who doesn't care?"

"Severus loves you," Dumbledore said. "He loves you more than you can imagine."

"Really?" she asked ironically. "I haven't seen him for five months! Five months! And I hardly saw him before! I spend my life waiting for him! And you say he loves me? He... he doesn't even respect me!"

"Severus was awkward, Katarina," the Headmaster replied. "Just awkward."

"When your boyfriend gets the date of your birthday wrong, that's awkward," Katarina replied. "When he tells you to have sex with Sirius Black to calm your hormones, that's not awkward. That's just terrible!"

"Did he really say that?" Dumbledore asked. He raised an eyebrow.

"Even worse," Katarina replied. "I don't want to speak to him anymore. Never."

"All right, Katarina," the Headmaster said finally. "You do not have to speak to him. I will bring you to Poppy. It is quiet in the Hospital Wing, and she will take care of you."

***

Burns smiled sardonically. Here was the real face of Severus Snape. Of course he had said that he didn't want babies. Not with someone like her. Not with a disgusting half-blood. He had managed to dupe her with kisses and words. But the idea of a more intimate relationship had been nauseating to him.

Again, Burns felt humiliated. Asking Snape to have sex had been very difficult for Katarina. At first, she had liked that they'd taken their time. Then she had thought it would have come naturally. And she had wanted to give Snape time. After a while, Katarina had wondered how long it would have taken for him to make a move. She had finally made that move in his place, unsuccessfully. He had treated her badly, reducing her demand to physical or biological needs. Katarina would have contented herself with little things: being able to sleep in his arms, even chastely, or simply to remove his shirt. Being able to touch him without his clothes. Things that he had never allowed her to do.

But now, Burns had explanations for Snape's attitude. Of course he had never wanted such intimacy. He had just wanted to keep control over her like Voldemort had asked him to. She had been his prey, nothing else.

Burns wondered why she had put that memory in her Pensieves. She decided to keep it in her mind. She needed to remember how much he despised her.

***

The following day, Severus Snape entered the Shrieking Shack reluctantly. Why wasn't Madam Pomfrey in the Hospital Wing when she had to be? Severus could have given the potions for Lupin to her, and she'd have come to the Shrieking Shack in his place.

All for a bloody werewolf! Severus had volunteered to help Lupin only for Burns. Now that Lupin was almost healed, Burns had not forgiven the Potions master. And Severus had enough of brewing potions for that awful werewolf. Severus hadn't really expected Burns to forgive him, but he had hoped that she'd have changed her attitude towards him. He'd seen no difference.

Severus opened the door of Lupin's room and entered. Lupin was alone in the room, back in his 'human' form.

"Your potions, Lupin," Severus said sharply.

"Severus," Lupin replied, "we need to talk." He looked worried.

Before Severus could say anything, Miss Linsay stood up and left, closing the door behind her.

"What do you have to say, werewolf?" Severus asked.

Lupin glared at him. "This is no time for arguments," he said. "I've learnt that... Katarina is dying."

Severus' eyes flashed. He couldn't bear hearing that she was about to die. "Silence, Lupin!" he shouted.

"You must face the truth," Lupin replied. "You're the only one able to do something for her! So you'd better act quickly!" he said almost menacingly.

"It's none of your business!" Severus snapped.

"Do you think that you're the only one who loves her?" Lupin said angrily. He looked shocked.

"I knew that there was something between you both!" Severus exclaimed.

"You don't know anything," Lupin replied with irritation. "I've just lost a dear friend. I don't want to lose her too. She's like my sister! And you... you were engaged to her. How can you stay here without doing anything? Because of your stupid pride, she's going to die!"

His pride? Since the beginning of the year, Burns had always damaged Severus' pride! He had endured her insults, although they hurt him. Just because he wanted to bring her back to him!

"You'd better shut up, Lupin, or--" Severus said between clenched teeth. He pulled his wand out of his robes.

Lupin seized the bars of his cage. "Damn, Severus!" he exclaimed. His jaw clenched. His face reflected his anger and worry. "She loved you! Will you let her die? Do something! Don't wait too long!" He paused. "We have plenty of reasons to dislike each other," he added, "but we both want Katarina to be happy again. And she can be happy only with you. I know she's different from who she was, but... if there's a chance for her to be saved, please do your best!" His voice shook with emotion.

Severus lowered his wand. He still hated Lupin, but he shared his worries. He also remembered that the werewolf had never tried to spoil his relationship with Katarina. And Lupin was important to her.

"I keep doing my best," he grumbled. "Do you think that I'm happy to see her that way? She was meant to be my wife..." He left the room without another word.

***

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