Uric the Oddball's Fantastic Adventures

The Trial of Uric "the Oddball" Beaufolle: Excerpt Three

Orpheus Bludderdon: Now that the charges have been addressed, we may come to the sentencing. Uric Beaufolle you are hearby found guilty of all charges brought against you. This is your third time before the Council, and for many of the same charges. We have been forced to come to the conclusion that you have not learnt from your mistakes.

Chester Forthwright: It's a wonder he's ever learnt anything.

Sylvia Marsters: Chester!

Alastair Beaufolle: Yes, Chester, why don't you tell us all about your great experience with my son?

Chester Forthwright: You voted with the rest of us, Alastair.

Alastair Beaufolle: Uric needs restraint, not your taunting him.

Chester Forthwright: Taunting? Look at him! (Archivist's Note: It is unknown what Uric was doing at this time, though it is known that he was sitting in a chair in the middle of the Council Chambers.) He probably doesn't even know that he's on trial, much less that he's being taunted.

Sylvia Marsters: So you admit that you're taunting him, Chester? How kind.

Neal Cambert: Much as I enjoy this witty repartee, can we get back to the trial?

Sylvia Marsters: Of course, Neal. As always, you are the voice of reason.

Uric Beaufolle: Where is the rest of Mr. Reason then?

Orpheus Bludderdon: Ahem, Uric, the Council has exercised its executive rights to devise a punishment suitable for you and your crimes. Therefore, you will be placed in an inaccessible chamber with no possessions and no way of escape. There you will remain until such time as you have realized the error of your ways.

Uric Beaufolle: Can I keep my tea cozy?

Chester Forthwright: N-

Sylvia Marsters: Of course you can.

Chester Forthwright: I don't see why-

Sylvia Marsters: Shut up, Chester!

Orpheus Bludderdon: Starks, take Uric away and place him in the chamber we prepared and please inform the press that I will be making a statement.

Starks: Yes, Sir. Come on, Mr. Beaufolle.

Uric Beaufolle: Cheese!

Alastair Beaufolle: Uric! Go with him!

Uric Beaufolle: Father?

Sylvia Marsters: Talk to him!

Uric Beaufolle: Father!

Alastair Beaufolle: Goodbye, Uric.

*****

Being stupefied is like having every molecule in your body doused in a very strong painkiller, and then you are told to start tap dancing. The only consolation for the whole thing is that by the time it takes effect you are already out cold. It is said that the spell stupefy was invented by a crazed witch who was being perpetually tormented by Cornish pixies who were trained to play the first chord of Beethoven's Fifth over and over again on tiny pianos. This is absurd of course, since everyone knows that Cornish pixies are immune to the stupefy curse.

Waking up from being stupefied has been rather vocally compared to a rather vicious hangover by many wizards. Unfortunately for anyone who has ever been the victim of the curse, this is an accurate description.

*****

Pretty stars. Wait. Not stars. Is that a duck? Uric blinked and tried to get his eyes to focus. His head hurt more than that time he had fallen off of the floor. Nobody had believed him when he claimed the world was upside down that day. Upside down...That was it. The duck was upside down. It pulled away from him and he saw an upside down face looking at him.

"Are you all right?" Uric frowned at her. Any sane person would have realized that the reason she had an upside down duck sewn onto her jumper was because they were looking at it from upside down. Uric was just wondering where the upside down ducks lived. The woman gazed anxiously at him, her short, brown hair blowing about wildly in the blustering wind. "Do you need any help?"

"My head hurts," Uric said, still preoccupied with the upside down duck.

"Here let me see." Uric shrank away from her, frightened by the duck coming closer. "I'm a trained nurse. I won't hurt you." Uric relaxed. Her voice reminded him of his mother's when she was tucking him in at night. She checked him over quickly. "There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you. Well, excepting that tea cosy. You don't even smell like alcohol. What have you been doing?"

"Talking to-" A strange noise cut off his words. I don't think I've ever heard a bird cry like that before...Could it be the upside down ducks? He sat up, his headache forgotten. He was lying on the ground outside a wall. Further down, he could see a large gate swinging open and shut in the wind. The cry came again. The woman at his side shuddered.

"What is that? It doesn't sound human," she said in a shaky voice. Uric smiled at her pleasantly.

"It's an upside down duck." He started walking towards the noise, not noticing when the woman stared at him, then got a determined look on her face.

"No. You're hurt and delirious." She hurried after him and grabbed his robe. "You can't-" Another cry was heard, this time much deeper in pitch. Uric gave the woman another of his grins and headed through the gate towards an old house that was now visible. A strange green light was emanating from one of the upper windows. The woman's hand dropped unconsciously from his clothes.

"We should leave Mr.- I don't know your name."

"Uric," he replied absently. There was something he was supposed to be remembering, but all he could think about was the strange ducks. He hurried towards the house. The woman stared after him, then reluctantly followed.

The door to the house was open, the wind blowing through the house causing it to sway back and forth. Uric bowed to the door and walked through, followed by the woman.

"Please come with me to the hospital," she pleaded. Uric started climbing the stairs in the entranceway, but abruptly turned to face her. He clasped her hands and stared into her eyes with an intensity that shocked her. She felt herself blushing.

"Ur-" she began, but then he spoke.

"Do you like badgers?" Uric hoped she did. He had never met a woman who wore upside down ducks before.

"Badgers?"

"Yes, badgers." He did a badger impersonation for her. She stared at the mad man making snuffling noises and decided to humour him.

"Yes, I like badgers." His face split into a huge infectious grin and she found herself grinning back. Just what had she gotten herself into? He began to climb the stairs, never letting go of her hand. They reached a landing, and walked along it, their steps muffled by a deep printed carpet. A door near the end of the corridor swung open and a green light shown out. Did upside down ducks glow green? The woman dug in her heels and tried to make Uric stop.

"We shouldn't be here, Uric," she said, her voice trembling with fear. Uric paused, his eyes focused on the green glow.

"What's your name?" he asked. She stared at him.

"Elizabeth, Elizabeth Stuckert," she answered out of habit. "Can we leave now?" She had an idea. "We can find some badgers." He turned to her.

"Really?" She opened her mouth to respond in the affirmative, but a low chuckle broke through the silence. She stared past Uric at a tall, dark-haired boy. He was smiling grimly at them and for a second she fancied that his eyes glowed red.

"Oh yes, you won't find any badgers here. You won't find anyone living here," said the boy in a slightly crazed voice. Uric turned to look at the boy.

"Except for you," he said, slightly disappointed that it was probably the boy who had caused the green light and not the upside down ducks.

"Who says I was ever alive?" snarled the boy. He drew his wand and pointed it at them. Uric maintained a look of polite interest, though Elizabeth took as many steps back as she could without letting go of Uric's strange clothes.

"Are there upside down ducks in there?" asked Uric, gesturing towards the room the boy had just left. The boy paused and seemed to really look at the man standing before him. He took in the tea cosy and the goofy grin on the man's face, and smiled.

"You're Uric the Oddball aren't you? I've read your biography." Uric bowed to the boy. He doffed his tea cosy.

"Uric Beaufolle. Who are you? I don't think I've read your biography," he said. The boy laughed.

"I am Lord Voldemort, and soon the whole world will know my biography." The tone of his voice changed. "But for now I must remain secret, and you cannot know what happened in this house tonight."

"What did happen?" asked Elizabeth, surprised by her own boldness. Voldemort made a gesture that encompassed the whole house.

"You are standing in a coffin. A coffin for my late Muggle father, and all his relatives I could find. They attempted to put up a fight, but how could a Muggle ever defeat me?" It was only then that she noticed the bloody footprints that marked Voldemort's passage across the corridor. Before she could do anything, Voldemort raised his wand and pointed it at Uric.

"Avarda Kevarda," he said. The words sounded strange to her ears. A green light issued from the stick in the man's hands. Elizabeth didn't know what was happening, but she saw the green light heading towards Uric, and her nursing instincts kicked in. Time froze.

Uric stared at Lord Voldemort, a hurt look on his face. He knew that curse, even if Elizabeth hadn't. Her body slumped into his arms. He overbalanced and crashed to the ground. The time turner ground into his side. Was that a crunch? He heard laughter, and then the world spun out of focus.