Uric the Oddball's Fantastic Adventures

The Trial of Uric the Oddball: Excerpt One

Orpheus Bludderdon: Uric Beaufolle you are charged with seven counts of indecent use of magic. Twelve counts of displaying magic in a non-appropriate -

Uric Beaufolle: Non appropriate?

Alastair Beaufolle: He means you used magic in front of Muggles, Uric.

Orpheus Bludderdon: Ahem. You are also charged with thirteen different counts of gross magical negligence. I am obligated to ask you if you have a statement for the Council before we proceed with the trial.

Uric Beaufolle: May your children flower up normally and may you dance naked in a shower of teaspoons.

(Archivist's note: There is a long silence in the recording.)

Orpheus Bludderdon: Who is defending him this time?

Neal Cambert: No one. Mallius has retired to a nice place in the country and told us not to call upon his services again, and Rachel is in St. Mungo's.

Chester Forthwright: Surely not because-

Neal Cambert: No, not because of Uric, though he was the original reason she decided to take a holiday in Africa. Got tangled up with some "medicine men" there apparently...

Orpheus Bludderdon: Isn't there anyone who is willing to defend Uric Beaufolle?

Sylvia Marsters: Not if they value their sanity.

Neal Cambert: If we valued our sanity, we wouldn't be trying him either!

Alastair Beaufolle: He's not contagious Neal, just...confused.

Chester Forthwright: You're his father Alastair, and you always seem to have a blind spot when it comes to him. Uric is a danger to himself and the people around him. Not to mention your reputation. Like son, like father they're saying in the streets.

Sylvia Marsters: And they wouldn't be saying that if you hadn't been saying it first, dear Chester.

Chester Forthwright: Come now, Slyvia. Surely you don't believe Uric can take care of himself out there? How many times has he been before this Council? How many more times must we deal with him before we come to some sort of decision?

The Trial of Uric the Oddball: Excerpt Two

Orpheus Bludderdon: ...and now we come to the heart of the trial. The charge by a Mr. Lamark against Uric Beaufolle. We have asked Mr. Lamark here for his testimony. If you would be so kind as to show him in Starks?

(Archivist's note: There is the sound of a door opening and closing, and chairs shuffling.)

Orpheus Bludderdon: Mr. Lamark, do you recognize the man sitting to your right?

Mr. Lamark: I think I'll remember that face for the rest of my life. Why don't you have that oddball in chains?

Slyvia Marsters: Uric has promised to behave himself. Are you questioning the Council's decision?

Mr. Lamark: No, Ma'am. It's just that he caused so much havoc that day...

Chester Forthwright: Go on, Mr. Lamark. We are listening.

Mr. Lamark: Well, I was doing my job-

Alastair Beaufolle: And what is your job, Mr. Lamark?

Mr. Lamark: I'm one of the caretakers of the Official Aviary for Magical Birds.

Orpheus Bludderdon: Please continue.

Mr. Lamark: It was getting late and I was waiting for Randy to show up and relieve me for the night shift. I thought I heard some noise from inside the Main Enclosure, so I headed in that direction. When I got closer I was able to make out the sound of someone singing.

Neal Cambert: And what were they singing?

Mr. Lamark: Nonsense, Sir. Complete and utter nonsense. The man, this one right here, was talking to himself as well, and to all the birds. They had gathered around him and were sitting in a circle with him in the middle. Almost as if they were watching him...Then he just went crazy. He started chanting this strange spell and the wind picked up around us. Some of the birds started flapping, squawking and meowing in the case of the Felinocorpe. There was a flash of lightening and the ceiling, the one enchanted to look like the sky, crashed down. I ducked and when I looked up again, the birds were going crazy. Some of them had already disappeared, while some were perched on Uric's arms.

Orpheus Bludderdon: And what was Uric doing?

Mr. Lamark: He was twittering away at them, as if they could understand him. And he had that grin on his face, like the grin he has now. An utter loony.

Orpheus Bludderdon: And what happened after that?

Mr. Lamark: Well, I called the aurors to take Uric into custody. Then Randy and I - he had shown up near the end of Uric's show - we had to go and find the missing birds. They had taken off to the nearby Muggle town and were scaring them to death. We had to pull the Felinocorpe off of one Muggle it was enthusiastically purring to death.

Orpheus Bludderdon: According to the report, there were over a hundred cases where Muggles needed to be obliviated. Is that right?

Mr. Lamark: It sounds right. My job was just to bring the birds back.

Orpheus Bludderdon: Very well, Mr. Lamark. Thank you for your time.

(Archivist's note: There is once again silence as Mr. Lamark leaves.)

Chester Forthwright: What was the headline that day, "Birds of A Feather Flock Together?"

Slyvia Marsters: Shut up, Chester.

*****

The Department of Mysteries is the seventh and most obtuse of the magical departments. Their charter claims they were founded in 1377, which is impossible since there were no magical departments up until 1691. This hasn't stopped certain of their members from drawing payrolls for centuries of overtime.

Due to the high amount of secrecy surrounding the department, very few wizards actually know the truth about what is done there. Even among its employees the department's unofficial motto is "Of course, we don't know what we're doing." The official motto of the department has never been revealed.

*****

Uric didn't even attempt to get out of the rather tight hold Mr. Bond had on his shoulders. Years of admonishments by his parents had taught him not to resist when the authorities showed up, but inside he was beginning to panic. They're going to send me back. They're going to send me back.

Mr. Bond led him back into the Leaky Cauldron, earning a glare from the proprietor for bringing in his least favourite customer. Bond ignored him and took Uric upstairs to a private room. He pulled a chair away from a dresser, gestured for Uric to sit in it, and sat down on the bed. Uric looked at the chair, and the chair looked back at him. Neither of them liked what they saw.

"Uric. What are you doing?" Bond asked. Uric had begun to edge away from the chair, making sure he kept eye contact and didn't blink.

"That chair doesn't like me." He was now up against the wall.

"Oh for heaven's sake!" Bond drew his wand and transfigured the chair into an iguana.

"Are you happy?" he asked. Uric nodded.

"So you want me to sit on the lizard then?" Uric looked at him expectantly. Bond muttered some words that are best left unsaid and transfigured the nightstand into a cushioned chair of a type Uric had never seen before.

"Sit. Down." Bond said in a flat voice. Uric collapsed into the chair, his panic back in full force.

"Are you going to take me to the Council now?" he asked. Bond stared at him, than made a small sound of exasperation.

"That's the problem Uric. There is no council. You're about two hundred years too late for that." Bond got up and started to pace the room agitatedly gesturing at Uric as he spoke. "Normally, we'd just send you back to your own time and let the proper authorities deal with you, but history records no time travel by Uric the Oddball, and we only learned the truth three hundred years later." Uric had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, but found Mr. Bond's pacing was fascinating to watch. "Now I'm here at one of the confirmed stops on your journey to warn you, just so we don't have a time paradox." Bond shook his head. "Utter nonsense really, but here I am." He paced over to Uric and took a scroll out of his pocket. He cleared his throat and began reading.

"Uric, listen very carefully and memorize this note. 'Forget about the upside down ducks and do not enter the house! I repeat, do not enter the house! Something bad will happen and you won't be able to get back to your birds, or even your sock collection. Do not enter the house!" Bond was shouting so loudly, the mirror was rattling, causing it to call him some very bad names. Uric noticed Bond's hair seemed to bob in time with his shouts.

"Uric. Did you just memorize that or were you staring at my hair the whole time?" Bond demanded.

"Err...yes, no and yes." Bond sighed.

"Just repeat the message back to me, Uric, or I'll read it again until you do have it memorized." Uric shrugged and repeated the message back to him verbatim. Bond stared at him, mouth hanging open. Uric shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. His memory was actually very good, when he remembered to turn it on.

Abruptly, the door burst open and Bond ran in. This left the Bond sitting on the bed in something of a dilemma.

"Uric you..." he began, but the new Bond, his hair waving wildly was shouting over him.

"DON'T LISTEN TO ME URIC!"

"Of course he should listen to me. I'm giving him the best warning of his life." The new Bond glared at the Bond on the bed.

"You know I can really be an idiot at times...He lied to us, James. And we fell for it." The Bond on the bed just stared at himself, then shook his head.

"It doesn't matter if he did. I'm supposed to do my job so unless you have a letter from the Minister stating otherwise, please leave." The Bond who had burst in, stared very hard at his counterpart. Quickly, he pulled out his wand.

"Stupefy!" Bond rolled off the bed and against Uric's legs. Uric looked down, startled. Had his toes finally decided to leave?

"Get out of here, Uric!" Another spell missed Bond's head by inches. "Use the time turner and remember what I told you!" Uric stared down at Bond, in his usual state of befuddlement. Was Bond letting him go?

"No Uric! Everything will go wrong! Stupefy!" the Bond with the wand was almost in hysterics. Unfortunately for him, Uric had pulled out the time turner and was in the process of turning it, when the spell hit him. Uric slumped forward, the time turner was jostled, and Uric disappeared.

The new Bond stared at the old Bond and vice versa.

"This is all you're fault!" they said simultaneously.