Prelude to Destiny

Chapter 21

Flying

"I suppose you're amazing at chess?" Lily asked Gertrude as the pair stood to leave their dinner table in the kitchens.

"I know how to play," Gertrude said, side stepping away from her bench. "Why?"

"Well, my image of aristocracy always comes with a chess expertise, although I suppose that wouldn't work since my sister's amazing at chess, but I couldn't imagine you to be bad at it," Lily explained, walking up to the main exit with Gertrude beside her.

"Sirius plays well," Gertrude noted.

"Sirius?" Lily repeated, shocked. Then she thought about it, nodded, and said, "Yep, he'd have to be, and that's probably why he claims not to know how to play."

"He says he doesn't know how to play chess?"

"Well, I suppose he never says that, but he never plays it, giving way to assumptions from the general populace." Lily shrugged and pushing the portrait open. Lily began to turn right and Gertrude turned left, sharing a small smile of farewell.

"Good luck on the rest of your practice N.E.W.T.s, Gertrude," Lily said in parting.

"Thank you." Gertrude seemed to pause then, locking eyes with Lily and staring at her. She walked back and stood in front of Lily.

"Are we having a staring contest?" Lily asked, smiling uncertainly. Gertrude did not smile inn return. Sometimes Lily wondered if she understood her humour at all.

"Do you still like him?" Gertrude asked. Lily's eyes widened.

"What? Who?" Oh, Lily knew who Gertrude was talking about all right. Yep. Always had. But that didn't mean she was about to admit that James was always at the top of her list of people she was thinking about.

"Do you still like James?" Gertrude repeated. Lily looked down at her shoes, then at the wall, and finally back at her friend.

"What happened to talking about chess?"

"Why are you still ignoring him?"

"Because," Lily answered, "he has to know that what he did was not okay. That--that lying to me is not okay."

"It's been a month."

"I know," Lily mumbled. Oh how she knew. She knew she could be with him every moment she saw him in class and walking between class and eating and smiling and freaking breathing. How she wanted to be with him, but he still hadn't--hadn't given her a real reason to forgive him. Lily told Gertrude so.

"He won't cover the castle in flowers for you," Gertrude noted. Lily laughed and smiled.

"I really wouldn't want him to." Lily shook her head remembering Sirius's ridiculousness. "That was the corniest, dumbest thing I'd ever seen in my life."

"But it worked."

"It did, didn't it?" But somehow the corniness and extravagance of that entire affair had worked, because it came from Sirius. From anyone else it would have been stupid. Hell, it was stupid when he did it, but he refused to let that matter.

"Maybe James has already done something to make you forgive him," Gertrude said, giving an elegant shrug and turning to leave. "Good luck on your exams tomorrow."

What the hell had that meant?

Lily had the entire walk back to the common room to think about what Gertrude said. Was she talking about something James might have said on their patrols? Something he did after she found out about the potion?

But all that made Lily think of was the current state of her patrols. Originally they had been dull and boring. Then exciting and fun, and now they were back to awkward and uncomfortable. Remus spoke to her with the desperate intention of pulling her into a friendship she still couldn't stand because looking at Remus still hurt. But even that feeling was slowly ebbing and giving way to light, basic conversation about classes. It was hard fought, though.

Lily wished she could just patrol with Gertrude tonight instead of Remus.

"What were you doing with Gertrude Wrightman?"

Lily turned around and saw Tracy jogging to catch up with her, broom in hand.

"What?" Lily asked. Was this the first conversation Tracy and she had partaken in since the Great Meltdown? Yes, Lily realized, it was. Good that her friend made it a hostile beginning.

"Sirius told me you were having dinner with Gertrude Wrightman in the Kitchens. Since when have you been friends with Gertrude Wrightman?" Tracy asked. Lily mentally reminded herself to flick Sirius.

"I don't know that we're actually friends," Lily answered, disbelieving that Tracy thought she had the right to ask Lily anything about her life and her choice in friends.

"She's dangerous, Lily," Tracy cautioned.

"Neat," Lily replied. She turned and began to head up to the common room.

"Don't just brush me off, Lily," Tracy said. "You always do that. Stop. Listen. Gertrude's whole family were Slytherins--"

"And my whole family is Muggle. What of it?" Lily snapped, stopping to glare at Tracy.

"But you're not a Muggle. She's still a Slytherin," Tracy answered.

"And?"

"They're evil."

"They're evil?" Lily repeated, incredulous as she began walking away again toward her common room.

"They are," Tracy insisted.

"Are you even listening to yourself?" Lily asked. "Because you've just asserted that all people in a house are evil, that everyone from the smallest eleven year olds to the eldest eighteen year old wearing a green and silver scarf is inherently intent to inflict pain in others."

"They are and just because you think you've found a good one doesn't mean--"

"Shut the hell up!" Lily suddenly screamed, facing Tracy again. The brunette looked shocked. "Stop acting like you understand other people. You don't. You make shitty assumptions from your high horse and assume your word is divine. Stop it."

"If this is about James--"

"This is about you!" Lily cut her off. "This is about the way that you feel like you are good enough to dictate what other people ought to know about their own lives and the lives of the people around them."

"I don't want to fight with you."

"Oh. Good. Then we don't have to talk anymore about stupid stereotypes." Lily walked away again, this time with Tracy at her heels.

"Lily, you need to be careful."

"And you need to butt out," Lily said. "Or at least stop talking to me as if you aren't just as angry as I am. I know you are. Why can't you just start yelling like a normal person?"

"Or blowing up walls?" Tracy asked, gesturing at the walls with her broom. "Yes, that's right: Will talks to me too. Glad to know you're not mad at me, though."

"Tracy, what do you want?"

"He lied to me too, Lily," Tracy said, shaking her head at her friend. "You and he lied to me. I thought we were friends and both of you kept so much from me--"

"Tracy--"

"I thought he was such a good guy, Lily," Tracy said. "He had me charmed too. I hate that I trusted him so much, but I can't take that back. I can't."

Lily wanted to argue this point with Tracy, wanted to defend James, and for that she felt like complete trash.

"I trusted him too," Lily said, still angry.

"Yeah, well, I trusted you too," Tracy muttered, taking a folded, crinkled envelope out of her back pocket and handing it to Lily. "Here."

With a broken heart and an overwhelming amount of shame about the way that she handled her friendship with Tracy, Lily sat down on the step she was on and opened the envelope, knowing she still had a while before curfew started.

Lily,

I don't even know how to begin this letter, but it's been over a month and we're still not talking so I think I have to do something. Sam said I ought to just tell you everything from the beginning. Well, here: When we started having all of those Quidditch practices this summer, James and I started talking. And I jokingly mentioned that he was in love with you, and he corrected me by saying, "No, I'm just obsessed with her."

Oh, that made Lily feel fabulous. Tracy had known since this summer and James was a tool.

And at the beginning, all he told me was, "She just needs to realize how great I am," and I thought he was ridiculous, but he was a nice friend to have, especially during all of these practices. And it was something we could both talk about easily.

Yep, Lily was feeling better with every word. She was used as the 'common topic' that had led to Tracy and James bonding. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

It took a while, but I finally realized that he genuinely liked you, and I felt bad because I knew you'd never date him. He was going about it wrong. So I decided to help him out, thinking that if you got to know him, you'd grow to like him. (I feel like such an idiot, writing that now). And so I thought of a way to make you comfortable around him: those Wednesday study things of yours. I figured if he didn't speak unless spoken to he couldn't freak you out and you'd grow comfortable enough around him to start talking. I know how you hate silence.

And there was a sharp twist in Lily's heart. Oh frick. James hadn't even thought to do that on his own. She had been right all those months ago: James had been working under Tracy's orders.

But then everything started spiralling out of control: you went to the Ball, we get back to school and you're missing, James and Sirius and Remus are missing, and then no one's talking to anyone. And then James tells me what he said to you at my party and I nearly killed him right there. And I asked him what the hell he was thinking and all he could tell me was that he made bad decisions around you.

And that was always his excuse: he never knew what to say around you so he always said the wrong thing. The phrase "Blinded by your beauty" came up more times than I thought appropriate.

Lily nearly gagged just reading that phrase. If she'd actually heard him say it... eww.

And then James stopped going to those study things and told me that you knew about us working to get you two together. I tried apologizing for a week but you kept brushing me off. And then Sam came to me and told me that you thought James and I were dating... and that you liked him all along... And why didn't you just tell me all of that?

Okay. Lily felt like a shitty friend now. Except--wait--Tracy had done the same freaking thing! Lied and kept secrets from Lily.

And after all of this, he came up to me in the common room, saying nothing, just standing and watching you across the room. He told me, "I'm done. She's too good for me." And that was it. He walked away. He had watched you kiss your ex-boyfriend goodbye after you two were in your room for hours. He'd watched Sirius become good friends. And now I realize he lived with you opening up and falling in love with as Remus even as you pretended to hate James as James. All of this he put up with and continued to pursue you, but one night he came back ready to give up. Heartbroken.

He lied to me, Lily reminded herself. He lied and that ought to have kept her from caring that he was hurt. Right? Then why did she feel like such a bitch? Why did she just want to comfort him?

But still, when I realized he was using Polyjuice, I was furious with him. I still am. I haven't spoken to him since then. I know you're mad at me and you're mad at him, but he lied to me too. He lied so badly. I couldn't believe he would stoop to this low. I thought he was a decent bloke. And he's mad at me for not telling him how you felt, but... well... this whole thing is falling apart. We were supposed to win the Quidditch Cup this year, too, and we didn't.

Tracy

~*~*~

Patrol began in the Entrance Hall with the unusual presence of two people Lily had not expected to see. The first was Matt McGrath, though that was no big surprise. Although it wasn't a full moon, Matt was the one who normally covered Remus's shifts. Clever boy, that Remus. Couldn't just miss the full moon days now that Matt was suspicious.

"Hey Matt," Lily greeted, waving. "What's up?"

"Remus's aunt had a set back." Lily briefly wondered if that was sarcasm in his voice.

"And what's up with her?" Lily asked, pointing a finger at Christine who was leaning against the wall a few feet away from the pair of them.

"Oh, Stumpy has a plan," Matt explained, turning to look at his girlfriend.

"Find me!" Christine said, jumping up and down. "Find me."

"That'll cost you--"

"Nothing," Lily said, cutting off Matt and turning to address him. "She is out here to be with you, so I blame you for this. If she loses points, Ravenclaw loses points."

"I'm not illegally out of bounds," Matt replied, but he was smiling and his eyes were twinkling and Lily just knew he thought this was hilarious.

"I don't care," Lily replied.

"Find me!" Christine chanted.

"We found you already," Lily answered. Christine smiled brightly, walked over and took Matt's hand and swung their arms together, looking content.

"Ew," Lily muttered, jealousy creeping up.

"Don't be mad just because James is stupid," Christine said, beginning to walk down the hall.

"What?" Lily exclaimed, cutting her friend off.

"Tracy said you found out it was James on patrol," Christine answered.

"What?" This came from both Matt and Lily, staring at the tall blonde girl.

"You knew about the plan? Who told you?" Lily asked, shock giving way to... sadness.

"What do you mean James was on patrol?" Matt asked.

"No one," Christine replied. "Remus is a werewolf so he couldn't patrol those days. I thought everyone knew."

"What?" Both again.

"I told you I liked Remus!" Lily exclaimed.

"I thought it was a joke, like with codenames. I knew. I thought you knew. I thought we were being clever," Christine said. "We weren't."

"No, we weren't!" Lily snapped.

"He's a werewolf?" Matt asked, staring at Christine.

"Yes," she replied, nodding.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Matt asked.

"You didn't ask." Christine shrugged. "Why do you care?"

"Why do I care? He's a werewolf."

"He's Remus." Christine started walking again, but Matt let go of her hand and just stared after her.

Lily looked carefully at Matt and then at Christine. How had she thought--but, actually, Lily had absolutely no problem believing Christine. Out of everyone in the entire world, Christine would be the most likely to not mention something because she thought everyone knew. It just seemed like such a waste.

"Did you know he was a werewolf?" Matt asked Lily.

"I only just found out."

"And do you--"

"No," Lily answered, "I don't care. And neither, apparently, does Christine."

Matt stared at Lily, then turned to see Christine keep walking away. He smiled. "Of course Stumpy doesn't care. She doesn't care about anything."

"Do you?" Lily asked, cautious, protective.

"I don't know yet." His eyes focused on Lily. "He hasn't hurt anyone? Doesn't do anything dangerous? Leaves during the full moons?"

"As far as I can tell, yes," Lily answered. "And Pomfrey takes care of him, so the professors must know."

"All right then." Christine had turned around and was walking toward them with a questioning look on her face.

"Do you care?" Lily asked again.

Matt looked at her then Christine. "Stumpy, should I care that Remus is a werewolf?"

"No," Christine answered. "Why aren't we walking? Aren't we supposed to be patrolling?"

Lily and Matt glanced at each other and started walking.

"And why aren't you talking to James, Lily?" Christine asked.

"I don't even know James, Christine," Lily answered.

"He's still Remus," Christine pointed out.

"Do you know how weird that is to hear?"

"He tried to punch Matt," Christine answered, twining her arm with Matt's and leaning against him.

"He did," Matt conceded, "because he thought you liked me. I'm so confused. Who was who? Is James a werewolf?"

"Shhhh," Christine said, shaking her head at her boyfriend. And Lily was struck, more than ever, by the fact that Matt was Tracy's brother. As unforgiving as his sister was about Slytherins and evil and stereotypes, Matt was actually thinking this through.

"He used that bloody potion," Lily muttered.

"To seduce you," Christine added. And that was certainly an awkward response. "You should go talk to him."

Lily thought about the millions of reasons why that wasn't true. The millions of reasons why she ought to just avoid James for two more days, until they were on the train ride home and she could avoid this whole mess. And then she thought of the one really good reason why she couldn't.

"I'm falling for him," Lily murmured.

"True," Christine agreed. And Lily realized that as crazy as it sounded, James really was still Remus. She didn't know if she could believe it completely just yet, but hadn't he been there for her five patrols a month for three months? Didn't he deserve something in return for that loyalty? Didn't he at least deserve to talk to her?

"I have to go," Lily said.

"True," Christine said, wrapping an arm around Matt's waist and pulling herself against him.

"No," Matt said, untangling himself and giving Christine an incredulous look. "You don't have to go for us."

"No," Christine answered, "for James."

Lily looked at her friend, gratitude in her eyes, and nodded.

~*~*~

Lily threw open the door to the boy's room in time to find Remus and Peter sitting on a shared bed quizzing each other on Care of Magical Creatures questions, and Sirius, across from them, was reading and questioning them about Muggle Studies. All three turned to face the door when it opened, looking bewildered. Lily supposed they weren't used to anyone ever coming into their room unless it was one of the four of them.

"Where's James?" she asked the room in general, though she was looking at Sirius.

"James?" Sirius asked.

"Yes," Lily replied. "Where is he?"

"Quidditch practice?" Remus guessed.

"No, no, the last match was two weeks ago," Peter replied. "The library?"

"No, he'd be in here studying with us," Sirius said. "The common room?"

"No, none of us is there," Remus said.

"And neither is Lily," Peter continued, "so there'd be no reason for him to be there."

"You people are perfectly useless," Lily announced, turning to leave.

"Wait a second," Sirius called out, rolling off his bed and hitting the floor with a thud. There was a lot of shuffling, something that sounded like a board breaking, and then a lot of muttering. Lily looked questioningly at Remus and Peter.

"Yes?" Peter asked, as if this was all perfectly normal and Lily had absolutely no right to look at him like something was effing wrong.

"Nothing," Lily replied, joining in the act.

"He's at the Quidditch pitch, probably flying in circles," Sirius called from the other side of the bed. Lily walked forward and peaked over the edge.

"Hey!" Peter called out, just in time for Sirius to shove a piece of parchment under his bed. Did Peter think Lily didn't know about the Instant Message Parchment? That would be really sad for her.

"Why did you need to know?" Sirius asked standing up.

"Oh, you know," Lily replied vaguely, getting ready to leave.

"Yes, I do know," Sirius said suggestively. Lily leaned across the bed and flicked him.

"You're a really frustrating person to talk to," Lily said, turning.

"My mother always used to say that to me." Well, that couldn't be a compliment if he'd just run away from home this year.

"But I love talking to you, Sirius," Lily added. "Yes, you're frustrating, but also fabulous. Utterly fabulous."

"Oh. Thanks?" Sirius replied and it occurred to Lily that this might have been the first time she'd ever actually complimented him to his face.

"I mean it, Sirius," Lily said, opening the door and stepping out. "Talking to you makes my day better."

"Yes, well, I am fabulous."

"Never forget it," Lily agreed, turning to leave.

"You better not steal Prongs's girl, mate," Peter said as she began to shut the door.

"Nah, she's his," Sirius replied, "and I'm insanely glad for it."

~*~*~

Lily Evans found James Potter flying circles around the Quidditch pitch, alone in the sky as all of her Muggle sensibilities told her he should not be. He should be falling, but he wasn't. He never was.

She thought of all the ways she could call him down--the romantic option of grabbing a broom, proving she was an excellent flier as she stole the Quaffle from him, and then talking in the sky--but quickly decided to send red and gold sparks shooting from the end of her wand and signal him to come down. It worked like a charm, an easy, first year charm.

"Lily?" he asked as he neared, the sun had long-since set and the only light came from the stars above them.

"Hi," Lily said, feeling awkward now that she was actually in front of him, desperately to tell him--something.

"Why are you here?" he finally asked, running a hand through his hair. Yep, she definitely still found that attractive.

"I'm here to talk," Lily said, sitting down on the grass. He looked confused but then joined her.

"Talk about what?" he asked. Lily blinked. It was nearly midnight and they were sitting on the Quidditch field, staring up at the stars.

"Us, sort of," Lily replied, picking up her wand and lighting it and putting it out again and again. Flashes of white briefly light the area.

"All right."

"I don't know how to make this work," Lily confessed, staring up at the stars instead of looking at him. He learned his head back and gazed up at those same stars, glad and dumbfounded by the fact that there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

"Do you remember that night when we sat on the stairs and you pointed the constellations out to me?" James asked, completely changing the subject.

"Yes," Lily replied. That was been a great night. They'd--Lily and James as Remus--had stayed out past the patrol time, talking about the stars.

"Do you still try to find Orion every night before you go to bed every night?" James asked. And Lily understood how Tracy could feel like such an idiot for trusting him so completely.

"Yes," Lily whispered. James inspired trust in people, inspired them to open up, inspired them to tell him what they loved and hated. If Tracy no longer thought he deserved that information... well, that could have been bad.

"Good." Lily, despite everything that told her it was wrong, still thought he deserved that amount of confidence.

In silence, they both leaned back on their hands and extended their legs in front of them. They were side by side, two parallel roads. They lay there, two students who had to take an exam in less than seven hours, staring at a blinking, star-filled sky. This is what Lily wanted, more than anything else.

"Sirius told you where I was?" James asked.

"Yes, he's a great help to a girl trying to stalk you. Does he have a tracking spell on you?" Lily joked, glad that he wasn't pressing her to tell him why she was there, why she wouldn't leave.

"Just a touch." His voice was soft and resigned. A moment passed with the two of them trying not to think about the proximity of the other, the fact that rolling over just so much would--

"You still stubborn?" Lily asked in a light tone, unable to ask him straight out if he was still interested in her.

"I don't know anymore," he said. "You still angry?"

She looked up and traced Orion's Belt with her eyes. "No, not anymore."

"Really?" She didn't look at him

"I remember--I'd been trying to forget--but I remember you telling me about a girl you liked," Lily said.

"Oh, yes," James said, lying still beside her. "She was amazing."

"Was she? Are you sure?" Lily kept her eyes locked on the sky. "I'm pretty sure she was impulsive, mean, and prejudice against you. I remember you telling me that she thought she was better than you and when she found out you liked her, she ran off, told you to forget it."

"There was a bit of a miscommunication." Was his tone joking?

"Really? That must have been frustrating." She could match that tone.

"Not that bad. I got to know her," James replied. "That's what I really wanted to happen, but then I did something super stupid and she stopped talking to me."

"Did you miss her, the girl I called a bitch?"

"I really do," he answered. Lily chest seemed to contract with his words. Why did she believe him? He'd done everything possible to destroy her trust, why wasn't it broken?

"You know my guy?" Lily asked, ripping grass out of the ground and throwing it onto her legs.

"The dumbarse that did notice you?" James remembered, moving a hand up to pillow under his head.

"Yeah, see, turns out he did." She brushed the grass off. "I was the one that was really not noticing him."

"Another miscommunication?" James suggested.

"They seemed to be running wild these days, ruining the days of perfectly happy people."

"Were we perfectly happy?"

"No, but I was trying to be poetic," Lily replied, smirking. She ripped more grass out of the ground beside her and layered it on her stomach. She couldn't think. Didn't want to think.

"You hurt me so much this year, Lily," James muttered. And Lily's shock, to say the least, was a little overwhelming. What?

"What?" she asked, twisting her head to look at him.

"After you yelled at me at the end of last year, I figured I needed to change tactics. Well, Tracy helped me with that, but then you got angry with me anyway. I thought you knew I liked you and you just stormed out of that library like it was the worst idea in the world."

"I thought you knew I liked you and that you were humouring me because you were dating Tracy," Lily cut him off. He shook his head and kept looking at the sky.

"And you went out with that tool of a guy, Christian, who was everything I never could be, and I knew you didn't like me, but I didn't realize you wanted my polar opposite."

"I didn't," Lily said, blinking bat tears. Goodness, she felt like such a bitch. "I wanted to forget you."

"Oh, that's better," James muttered.

"I liked you for a year and I just--I needed to stop. You weren't right for me."

"You are amazing for my ego."

"But you were right for me. That was the problem. You were everything that I wanted. Everything I could ever want, and still you said the meanest, dumbest things around me."

"Yeah, I'm still embarrassed about Christmas." Lily laughed a little at his words. "I went into that train compartment just wanting to talk to you. I made up some excuse about the Floo Network and then I said the stupidest things to you. I was just so mad that you were going on a date with that guy. I thought you'd be at that party. Why weren't you going out with me?"

"Why didn't you ask me?" Lily asked. James snorted. "Okay, I get that, but why were you so upset? "

"I told my parents I wasn't going to the Ball because I had a better invitation."

"You were invited to the Ball?"

"But I thought you'd be at Tracy's. If I'd known you were going to the Ball I might have changed my opinion."

"Because I looked good enough to be on your arm?" Lily asked, more than a little bitterness creeping into her tone.

"You did," James muttered, closing his eyes. "You looked incredible that night. That dress--yeah. Incredible."

Lily blushed. "I don't know about that. Tracy's mom did everything."

"She did a great job."

"If you promise not to let this get to your head too much," Lily replied, "I almost went weak at the knees that night, you looked so good."

"Thanks," he said, still with closed eyes. "But New Year's was so hard. I was trying to get as drunk as possible to avoid thinking about you and the French guy, and then I get this owl from Sirius saying he's running away from home and I get to him just in time to see him dragging his trunk down the street with a picture of himself he ripped off the wall. He moved in with me and in all of the hectic-ness of the legal stuff and coming back to school late, I didn't even notice that you were gone. Or that you were hurt. I'm sorry about that."

If Lily hadn't been lying down, she would have shrugged awkwardly and stared at her feet. As it was, she just stared at her toes and tried not to cry.

"Oh, and hearing you tell Remus that you two ought to just snog?" he quipped. "Yeah, that hurt too."

"Gha," was the incoherent sound Lily made as a tear escaped her treacherous eye. "Did you hate me?"

"No," he answered, shaking his head beside her. "It all just made me try harder, and when I overheard Matt telling you he thought Remus was a werewolf--"

"You overheard that?"

"I'm sneaky," was all James would say on that matter. "I couldn't just let my friend rot, you know? And I knew a seventh year had made Polyjuice potion, too much of it too, so I stole some and then--then I did the stupidest thing I went on patrol with you, and I never wanted to stop."

He sat up and turned to look at Lily, his eyes wide and sincere. Lily sat up too, wrapping her arms around her knees and looking away from his gaze.

"I told jokes and you laughed. You made me laugh. You told Will McGrath about my prank on Sirius like you thought it was brilliant. Like you thought I was brilliant. And I just couldn't stop. I needed to see you," he said.

"You could have stopped," Lily disagreed. "You could have told me what you were doing. You could have done a hundred thousand things differently."

"It wasn't my secret to tell, and I didn't know you then. What if you'd told someone? What if, worse still, you'd confronted and taken it out on Remus?" James asked. "I couldn't risk that. I didn't want to."

"Then it was a choice."

"No, it was--" He stopped himself and stared at Lily until she looked up at met his eye, blushing. "You wouldn't talk to me in the library on Wednesdays. You yelled at me outside. You were abrasive in class. And then on patrol, it was like you were someone else. But it was all just because I was someone else. And that sucked, but it was how it was, and I just needed to know you, to be able to joke with you."

"It hurt so much when I found out," Lily muttered.

"It hurt every moment I was on that patrol. Every moment." He blinked and looked up at the stars. "You remember talking about loving something and being frustrated by it? That was me each and every patrol, when you were so comfortable around me that you hugged me and wrapped your arm around my waist. I loved talking to you, walking with you, being with you, but it drove me mad that I couldn't do it as me, that for some unknown reason you hated me as me."

"I didn't hate you."

"Yeah, well, I found that out a bit too late."

And how Lily wished she would have just told him at the beginning. But then again she didn't. Because he hadn't been the type of person she wanted to like or date at the beginning of the year. He hadn't been like this.

"Are you mad at Sirius for not telling you?" Lily asked.

"You know," he said, "I'm not. Were you?"

"No, not really," Lily said. "I don't know why, though."

"It's cause you know he'd never intentionally do something cruel to a friend. He'd kill an enemy. But for a friend--"

"For a friend he would die and think it natural," Lily finished, nodding, and wondering if it was odd that she was still so frustrated by Tracy and Sam when Sirius had been the real puppet master of the whole thing and she'd forgiven him.

"I've never seen you more beautiful than that night," James randomly noted, breaking the silence.

"Which night?" Lily asked.

"Fifth year. That night a month before exams when you came bursting in on the four of us. I guess you were playing that game of yours, and your cheeks were so red and you looked like you were holding back a laugh as you looked at me. You never looked at me like that."

"You never gave me the opportunity."

"See? That's where I disagree," he countered. "I think I was perfectly hilarious around you and you just refused to acknowledge it."

Lily chuckled a bit and shook her head. "Nope, I'm pretty sure you were just being ridiculous most of the time."

"But it turns out you'd get a seventy-five percent on liking the male half of the Gryffindor sixth years," James noted.

"Peter has grown on me," Lily quipped. And James smiled. "Can we still use our codenames, poppet?"

James laughed. Actually laughed. It simultaneously made Lily glow and broke her heart. When the pair calmed down a touch they looked at each other for a long time as Lily looked at him and realized that he could be the Remus from the patrols, that he was, that the same things made him laugh and made him thoughtful and made him wonderful.

"You know, there were a lot of clues I feel idiotic about missing," Lily began.

"Yep," James agreed. "Thinking about it all makes me feel stupid."

"I am interested to know what you thought Sirius was talking about with all those Sputnik references and making me sit by you all the bloody time."

"The sitting by me thing?" James smiled and shook his head. "I thought he was doing it to harass me."

"I suppose there was that benefit too. He is a mean bugger."

"And I thought Sputnik was Matt."

"Matt?"

"You told me you liked a guy that was dating your best friend and the only one of your friends dating anyone was Christine."

"Oh, right."

"I wanted so badly to punch him when I saw you kiss him."

"It was a sickle bet," Lily felt she needed to explain.

"I know. I knew it then. I still wanted to punch him." Was it odd that his simple statement made Lily's heart flutter? "And every time I saw him after I had 'put it together' that you liked him, I wanted to curse him," James continued. "I just kept hearing you telling me that he broke your heart and it made me want to beat him up so badly."

"Good thing you didn't."

"I yelled at him, as me and then as Remus," James said. "Wow, I hope he doesn't hate Remus for that."

"He told me to tell you, as Remus, that he understood," Lily informed him, remembering the words she had not conveyed, but not daring to mention that he now knew about the patrolling business.

"Oh. Good."

"Yeah, good," Lily repeated as silence overcame the two of them again. Silence when they sat side by side in the middle of the Quidditch pitch and wanted to be nowhere else, with no one else.

"I never meant to break your heart," James finally said, and Lily knew he was talking about more than just their misunderstanding.

"Yeah, well, it happened," Lily said, embarrassed by how vulnerable she felt at the moment.

"It shouldn't have," James replied, and her embarrassment ebbed a bit.

"I hurt you just as much," Lily admitted. "You thought I was a snobby know-it-all who thought you weren't good enough for me. You thought I hated you and I only reinforced that idea. I was pretty wretched in this whole thing. Oh! And last year, after the O.W.L. when I just started yelling at you. I'm still so embarrassed about that."

"Why?"

"Because I just started yelling."

"It wasn't the first time."

"I'm embarrassed about all the times, but you have to know that it wasn't about Snape. Ever. It would have been the same with anyone. You can't just--"

"I know. I went on patrol with you and I learned a lot about you."

"I don't mean to be snooty."

"You're not. You're amazing."

"Ha! I don't know about that."

"You don't even understand how happy it makes me that I knew you were going to say that. Yes, I really messed up with this plan, but I love that I got to know you. I love how well I know you right now. I love that you probably read the secret admirer note I wrote you for F.A.D. and brushed it off as a prank."

"You wrote that? I thought it was a prefect that had to."

"See?" James asked, smiling.

Lily looked at her hands. It was uncomfortable, this guy knowing her so intimately when she'd believed him a stranger for years.

"I know you miss the Muggle world," James announced, forcing an awkward turn in the conversation.

"Yes," Lily said, taking a deep breath and casting her eyes in the direction of the Forbidden Forest, "I do."

"But I know something else," James said, reaching out and turning Lily's head gently toward him. She jerked her head away from his hand but didn't turn away. "I know that you don't belong there anymore. When you're home, every night before you go to bed, you look up and find Orion because it reminds you of Astronomy and brings you close to Hogwarts and magic, and your home."

Lily looked over, ready to remind him that he was the one to tell her she didn't belong in this world, but when she looked into those amber eyes, she saw what she had been trying to forget: truth or dare and sickle bets through corridors; rock skipping in the middle of the night; being dragged behind a suit of armour and tackling Filch; teaching him how to walk like the characters in the Wizard of Oz; and laughing, laughing like there was no Voldemort, laughing as she had not done since she was a little girl when her father used to pick her up and twirl her around and she felt so safe, laughing and letting it echo through the hallways and stick to the walls. In those amber eyes Lily had found her place in the wizarding world and reconciled the change in her life.

"I know you don't want to believe this, Lily," James began, taking both her hands in his. She didn't pull them away, but she did look out at the horizon, "because you just don't think much of yourself, but I think you're--you're fabtabulous. Always."

Lily laughed a little, averting her eyes and pulling her hands out of his. "You made that word up."

"Yes." Lily felt him shrug beside her and she glanced at him, only to see his gaze directed at the sky.

"I wanted so much for that Remus to like me," Lily said, "that Remus who skived off duty and made sickle bets. I thought that after two years, I might finally be able to forget about you and move on with him. And to find out that you and he are one in the same, to find that I have liked you again, that you really are as wonderful as I never dared to believe you actually were--it's hard."

"It was still me," James answered.

"I know," Lily said. "I'd been trying to pretend like maybe it wasn't, but Christine--well, she just reminded me that you're still the one I fell for, still the one I want to date. And she just can't understand why I wouldn't let it be okay."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I like you," Lily replied, "but that it's going to take time for me to become okay with this situation. With us."

"Time?" James asked. "What does time entail?"

And Lily, kind of hating herself for having to say it, looked at him and said, "The summer holidays."

"The summer holiday?" James repeated. "All of it?"

"Yes," Lily replied, standing and wiping off her robe. "That'll give us both some time. And if you come back and you realize that this isn't what you wanted, I'll accept that."

"This is what I want," James said, using his broom to help him leap to his feet.

"But if it's not after a little break--"

James reached out with his right arm, the arm holding his broom, and wrapped his arm around Lily, pulling her as close to him as he decently could and crushing her lips with his. Her arms, stuck between them, clutched at the front of his shirt and pulled them even closer as their lips kept moving against one another.

It was a messy kiss, brought about by emotions that neither really could control, and when they pulled apart and found Lily's tears on both of their cheeks, neither cared. Lily laid her forehead on his shoulder to catch her breath and James kissed his way gently down her neck, sending shivers of pleasure through her, before he pulled away and they stood staring at one another.

"If you don't want this in September--" Lily began, but James's laughter made her stop. She looked down at his chest to avoid staring at his lips.

"I'll want this," he announced.

"If you don't, though, in September, it'll be okay."

"Yeah, okay," James mumbled, reaching out and having his left hand trail up and down her side. And frick how she loved that feeling.

"I just need to believe that you are that bloke I patrolled with. I need to know that you really are him, and I just need some time," Lily explained, trying to convince her body not to launch itself at James and snog him senseless. That hand was doing amazing things to her senses. And when he pulled it away she wanted nothing more than to grab his hand and drag it back toward her.

"I'll convince you," James whispered.

"Well, you are a pretty stubborn bugger," Lily quipped, smiling. He laughed and nodded.

"And a snivelling toerag," James added. Lily laughed a little.

"It's okay, I'm basically perfect and think I'm too good for you," Lily returned, trying to joke though there was still a dull ache when she thought about his words. She wondered if he felt the same, so she said, "I never thought you were a snivelling toerag. I just liked you so much and I didn't know how to handle that."

"Insulting me was a good plan," James joked and Lily smiled, "but my method's a bit more complex. I insult and shame a girl in public if I like her."

"Good to know," Lily said. She looked at him, this man of sixteen whom she had just fallen so quickly for, and shook her head. "I better get back to bed. Arithmancy exam tomorrow and all. You coming?"

"To your bed?" he asked. Lily smiled a half smile, and he smiled back at her, so open and sincere. He shook his head. "No, I want to fly some more."

"You sure? It's pretty late."

"I wish I could fly forever," James answered, smiling. "I love it."

"As much as Transfiguration?"

"More." And with that he kicked off the ground and rose and rose until he was nearly a dot in sky, flying off to join the stars that waited above.

~*~*~

Lily's final practice N.E.W.T. finished at three in the afternoon. Three in the freaking afternoon. And it felt amazing. Sure, Lily was confident that she had failed all of her exams, but come on! Who didn't fail these practices that they took a year too soon. They had little actual purpose except to convince students that they were complete idiots and needed to study a lot more. Well, that was fine, but this was a beautiful June day and she planned to spend it--

"Miss Evans?"

Lily turned at the voice, trying to keep her face from cringing. She had not been planning to spend this day with Professor Dumbledore.

"Yes?" Lily asked, walking toward him as the students began to leave the classroom.

"Please accompany me to my office," he said, beginning to walk, but Lily called out to him in a voice loud enough for the surrounding students to hear.

"If this is about the Muggle Studies project, James hasn't asked me about that yet," Lily said, hoping this was about nothing more than Professor Carpenter really wanting her students to care about assignments.

"This is not about Muggle Studies," Professor Dumbledore said as she drew parallel to him and the pair began talking more quietly.

"Then-- What?"

"Madam Pomfrey wanted one final check up before you left for the holidays," Professor Dumbledore explained, only that confused Lily too. Why would the headmaster escort her to the infirmary? Why wouldn't Pomfrey have just--just--just done anything rather than bother the headmaster with this menial task?

"And you had to escort me?" Lily asked, then realized how blatantly rude that must have sounded. Well, frick, she'd always been horribly disrespectful to Dumbledore this year, why not at least remain consistent.

"I also wanted to ask you how your year went," Dumbledore said. Oh, he was a clever one, not mentioning anything specific. If he'd asked about class, Lily would have known how to answer, but with such an open-ended question she felt lost.

She certainly knew that she could talk about a multitude of things - James and the Polyjuice, Remus as a werewolf, basically not studying at all for these pointless exams that did not effect her marks, playing the Game, or even her prefect duties and Friendship Appreciation Day - but what did she really want to discuss with this man? Nothing. Not really.

"Do you have any chocolate?" Lily asked, definitely changing the subject and not caring. She thought he would shake his head, no. Or she thought he might even smile. She had not expected him to reach into his robe pocket and pull out a bar of Huneyduke's finest.

"I always have chocolate," the headmaster replied, handing her the bar. Was he joking?

"Are you joking?" Lily asked, staring at the chocolate. "This is amazing. I'm going to write the chocolate frog people and insist they add, 'Could be mistaken for a candy store,' onto your card!"

"You wouldn't be the first," he replied, pushing open the door to the Hospital Wing and holding it open for Lily to pass through.

"Students have written in before?" Lily asked, smiling as she began opening her chocolate.

"Sirius Black is very insistent that it be known that I have an extensive, exclusive relationship with Professor McGonagall."

Lily choked on her bite of chocolate. Coughing, she couldn't breathe until she spit the piece out into her hand and looked down at the disgusting glob.

"Scourgify," Professor Dumbledore said, helpfully vanishing it.

"Sorry about that," Lily said, still coughing. "So, you and Professor McGonagall are dating?"

"No," Dumbledore replied, smiling at the approaching nurse.

"No? Then--" Lily cut herself off. "Why do I believe anything Sirius would say?"

"Miss Evans, how are you feeling?" Madam Pomfrey began. Lily, used the this painfully boring process, answered her questions mechanically, knowing that her chest pain would take a bit longer to heal.

"Headmaster, there is a woman here to see you," Professor McGonagall announced, entering the room at Pomfrey poked Lily's lower ribs with her wand.

"Ow!" Lily yelled, slapping the wand away.

"Miss Evans, I cannot properly help you if you don't let me examine you."

"Fine, exam me. Don't poke me." Lily crossed her arms around her middle protectively. Who did this woman think she was? To distract herself as the woman pulled her arms apart and began 'examining' Lily again, Lily watched Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore talk. And she started laughing, watching them, thinking of Sirius.

She stopped laughing when a woman with five freaking moles on one eyelid entered the Infirmary and curtsied at Professor Dumbledore.

"You!" Lily called out, twisting away from Madam Pomfrey and running toward the door, where Professor Dumbledore and the woman had stopped to watch her. "Who are you?"

"Miss Evans, I would like to introduce you to--"

"We've met," interrupted moley woman.

"Ah, I thought you might have," Dumbledore replied.

"But you disappeared--you just--like fruit!" Lily stuttered, unheeding the other people in the room and their reactions. "What are you doing here?"

"Meeting Albus." Her accent was still thick. Too thick. And those disgusting moles were still sitting there.

"You grabbed my arm in the Leaky Cauldron and accosted me at the Ministry, and I think you talked to Gertrude Wrightman about me too. Who are you? What do you want with me?" Lily asked.

"I not here for you."

"Well, that's too bad because I'm here to talk to you," Lily snapped, feeling self-centred.

"Miss Evans!" Professor McGonagall reprimanded her. "This woman deserves your respect. You will address with politely and by her title--"

"I'm sorry, professor," Lily said, talking to Professor McGonagall though she did not take her eyes from the mole woman; she couldn't risk her disappearing again, not when Lily was so close to her answers.

"Perhaps you two would like to speak in private?" Professor Dumbledore suggested. Lily didn't care, but the woman nodded.

"For a moment," she agreed, and before Lily knew it the Infirmary was cleared of other people. It was just Lily and the orange-eyed woman, but Lily could distantly hear Pomfrey complaining.

And soon they were gone, Lily stood staring at this woman: the disappearing, heir-speaking woman.

"What do you want?"

"I here to give you choice."

"What sort of choice?" Lily asked, cautious. The woman had just told her she wasn't here for her.

"A choice I only offered one other person."

"Oh, good to know I'm not unique," snapped Lily. She felt irrationally terrified of this woman and that put Lily on edge.

"You must choose now," Mole Woman said.

"Choose what?" Lily asked.

"Your path."

"Okay, the cryptic message doesn't work for me. I've heard others talking like that. Is it a Pure-blood thing?" Lily asked, thinking of Sirius and Gertrude and the way they always spoke to one another like they assumed the other person knew background information without introduction.

"You must choose now between danger and safety."

"Danger and safety?" Lily scoffed. Bit melodramatic, wasn't she?

"I here to offer you chance for long life with family. Safety."

"At what price?" Lily asked, remembering her father's favourite saying: there's no such thing as a free lunch.

"Price?" repeated the woman.

"What would it cost?"

"Cost of travel. You leave, you will be safe."

"Leave what? Leave Hogwarts?"

"Leave England, leave magic, leave with family," the woman clarified.

"Why?" Lily asked. "Why do you want me to run from you?"

"Not me. Voldemort. He kills Mudbloods. Kills you."

"Why do you care if I live or die? Who am I to you?" Lily asked, scared despite herself as she remembered those hooded figures.

"You are first of two. Tied to everyone." Seriously, this cryptic business was annoying Lily to no end. What sort of person spoke like this? "If you run, Sirius be free."

"What do you mean, free?" Lily asked, unnerved.

"I not know future. I know ties. He tied to you strongly. Tied to your future. Leave and he will be free from you," the woman expanded.

"And Gertrude?"

"Be free too, if you leave."

"If you don't think you know the future, why do you know that them being 'free' will be better?" Lily asked, thinking of Gertrude and the deal they had made, thinking of the fact that Gertrude had challenged her to stay and convince her that being right didn't necessitate being suicidal or stupid.

"You will not leave," the woman said as if it were a certain truth she had just realized. "Gertrude pulls you."

"Everyone's connected to everyone," Lily replied.

"No," the woman said, her eyes flashing that orange colour again. "You are tied to everyone. Tied to me too. I didn't know then. I don't understand."

"Oh, good to know. I don't understand either," Lily snapped. Her eyes returned to normal and she turned to leave the Infirmary.

And Lily let her leave without saying another thing, let Professor Dumbledore walk off talking to that woman, let Professor McGonagall lecture her about her responsibility as a Hogwarts student to maintain a certain level of politeness, let Pomfrey poke her some more. She endured it all in silence, the silence of anger and frustration, the silence of choice.

Lily could have, at any moment, taken this woman's offer, run away and been safe, severed the ties that bound her to others. It was always an option. Every day of every year of Lily's life, running away was an option, a safe, secure option. But she was right to ask about the cost of running, because it would have cost her those ties. It would have cost her Sirius Black and Gertrude Wrightman and, though the woman did not mention it, the strongest tie of all, the tie that bound Lily Evans to James Potter, the tie that remained through patrols and potions and broken promises, the tie that bound them as he flew among stars and she played the Game in deserted corridors.

Yes, running might have been an option every day, but it was never a choice for Lily Evans.