Prelude to Destiny

Chapter 16

What Leadership Ability?

"Hey, Lily, why the wide eyes?" Tracy asked, sitting down at the breakfast table after Lily had already opened an owl from her mother and placed the letter from Ian in her pocket.

"Petunia's getting married," Lily replied, unable to drag her eyes away from her mother's shocking words.

"I didn't know she was dating anyone," Tracy replied, grabbing an apple and taking a bite.

"Neither did I," Lily said, her stomach twisting uncomfortably. How could she not have known her sister was dating someone? That her sister was in love?

"What's his name?" Sam asked.

"Vernon," Lily replied dully, searching the document for the name. Shame and heartache and regret circled in her stomach. Last Lily had heard (or cared, to tell the truth) Petunia was interested in some bloke from the Uni. That had been in August.

"What's his last name?" Christine asked. "That's the important one, since she'll have it soon too."

"Oh," Lily muttered, scanning the letter again, "I guess she will."

How had she and Petunia fallen so out of touch? Whose fault was it? Petunia and Lily, though they did not get along (for which Lily adamantly blamed Petunia), had never been estranged. They annoyed each other, snapped at each other, but they were still sisters. Petunia still asked about Christian and remembered their anniversary. Petunia still wrote monthly letters.

"Well?" Christine pressed. Only then did Lily realize she hadn't replied.

"Dursley. His name is Vernon Dursley," Lily read. When was the last time she'd written her sister? Not since the Ball, Lily knew that much. Petunia had written to ask how she was, but irritated, Lily had thrown the letter away. Now she wished she'd made an effort, even if her sister could drive her insane.

"Not that great of a name," Christine determined. Lily looked over at her and smiled at Christine's honest face, pulling herself out of the upset mood she had been in.

"It's original," Lily said. "Petunia likes original."

And, finishing the conversation and her meal, Lily left her friends and went up to the owlery to write a letter to Petunia, but found herself unable to properly convey her feelings. She didn't know how to translate the feeling of lacking from her heart to the parchment. How was she supposed to tell her sister (whom she'd never gotten on with) that she missed her? Or, at least, missed knowing her. Even if Lily hated Petunia (and Petunia definitely hated Lily), they had always known each other, hadn't they?

~*~*~

Dear Petunia,

Mum says you're engaged to be married. When did that

~*~*~

Dear Petunia,

Who is this Vernon character and when did you meet him? What happened to Pete or whoever from Uni?

~*~*~

Petunia,

How are you? It's been a while. I hear you're engaged. Congratulations. I'm sorry I didn't respond to your letter in January. It was kind of hectic. This dark wizard named Voldemort and his minions attacked the Ball I went to. I know. I know. Who honestly has minions, right? Well, this bloke does. Anyway, I was hurt. You probably know that.

What you don't know is that he scared me, Petunia. He terrified me. I could have died. And as I was thinking about this, I realized that I'd made far too many mistakes for me to die, starting with the fact that you and I hardly speak. I'm sorry for goading you, pushing you, irritating you. You're my big sister and you have always tried to protect me. You were the one whose room I used to go into when I had a nightmare. And my life is kind of turning into a nightmare and it's making me realize how much I could use a big sister's advise. I miss you. I'm sorry I pushed you away.

Love,

Lily

~*~*~

"Lily Evans?" asked a voice behind Lily at dinner later that Sunday. Turning, the seventeen year old found herself facing a very stout professor.

"Yes, that's me," Lily said, standing. In fact, if stout needed a picture definition, Lily was sure this woman would be able to provide one.

"I wanted to talk about a project that James Potter turned in some months ago." Well, wasn't that a surprise? Lily's eyes flickered toward the end of the table, where she spotted James chatting with Peter Pettigrew.

"He's right down the table, professor," Lily said, unsure why the professor would need directions.

"I know. I wanted to talk to you about his project."

"All right." How odd. "I'm sorry, but I don't know what you teach."

"I'm Professor Carpenter," the woman said, inclining her head.

"Oh. The Muggle Studies professor. Hello." Lily felt a little silly not to have known the woman. After all, she had gone to school here for six years.

"Good evening, Professor Carpenter," Tracy greeted, walking up and nodding at the professor before giving Lily a questioning look (one that the Muggle Studies professor hopefully missed). Lily looked back at her and shook her head. She honestly had no idea what this was about.

"If we could please speak in my office?"

Lily looked back at her plate of food and realised she was as done as she was ever going to be, so she turned and nodded at the woman. Together the pair manoeuvred around the last dregs of students. It was the very end of dinner that Sunday night, and these students marked the late-dinner holdouts.

"I understand that you are enrolled in Arithmancy," the professor began.

"Yes," Lily replied, falling into step beside her. "It's one of my favourite classes."

"Are you thinking of pursuing a career in it?"

"No." Lily's reply was a bit quick. Rather ridiculously quick, actually, but the thought of pursuing a career in numbers and a sort of divination just seemed repulsive to her.

"What are you doing your seventh year project on?" Lily hated this question, this often-asked-even-though-no-one-is-actually-curious question.

"The correlation between activation charms and potions," Lily recited.

"Sounds interesting," the professor said, stopping in front of a portrait and placing her hand against it.

"It's not, really," Lily replied, watching the portrait swing open and hesitating just a moment before following the professor inside. She instinctively reached into her robes for her wand, just to make sure it was there, you know? "I'm hoping to change if I can think of something better soon."

"It's a year of your life you'll spend on this. Choose carefully," Carpenter said, sitting down on a short red chair and motioning for Lily to take a seat on the blue chair opposite her.

"I'm really sorry, professor," Lily said, sitting, "but I have no idea why you've asked me to speak with you."

"James Potter turned in a project to my class and cited you as a source," the professor explained, stretching her short arm across her desk to grab a roll of parchment. Lily wondered why the woman didn't just summon it. "The assignment was to ask a Muggle-born student about the things they miss from the Muggle world."

"Oh! That. Yes. He asked me to help him with a project," Lily said, remembering and feeling enormous relief that this wasn't some completely random meeting. "But that was months ago, wasn't it?"

"Well, that was only one part of a much larger assignment which the students turned in last week. I started reading James's two nights ago and was so surprised by the answers. I tried to find you then, but you were out of your dorm on a patrol." Yes, that had been the night of the Good Patrol. Lily hadn't seen Remus since then, actually.

"I'm sorry professor, but I don't remember exactly what I said to James. It was before the holidays and--"

"Oh. Yes. Right," Professor Carpenter interrupted, letting Lily know that she knew about the Ball. "Well, he wrote that when he asked you what you missed most about the Muggle world and a specific thing you gave up, you replied, 'While I appreciate the great power of magic, there are some things that I would prefer to have in a Muggle way, such things as television and telephones. It's frustrating to have to learn new forms of mass media and communication. But most of all, though it may sound silly, I miss whipped cream in a bottle.'"

"Oh. That's right. I'd forgotten," Lily muttered, remembering after hearing his words, her shock, annoyance, and basic inability to comprehend James's pattern of thought.

"Then you really said these things?" The woman looked steadily at Lily, the professor's chubby little ankles crossed in front of her and her hands lowering the parchment onto her lap.

"I agreed to put my name on that paper," Lily affirmed.

"But you did not say the words."

"Is there a difference, Professor?" Lily was not willing to have James fail this project just because he put down such a stupid answer and she refused to tell him it was stupid.

"The point of this project was to let these students learn about the cost of magic to Muggle-born students," the professor explained. "If you weren't willing to tell him the truth, you should have asked James to put someone else's name on the document."

"He doesn't want to know what I gave up. He never did."

"And that is why he must." The professor leaned forward and met Lily's stare with her beady eyes. "In times of such high tension between the two worlds, it is imperative that both people understand. If you choose not to explain the price of coming to Hogwarts - not the cost, which all experience, but the real price of it - then the other students will never know."

"They don't have to know," Lily replied. Who was the woman anyway? Just some teacher who had no idea what Lily gave up. Not really.

"You aren't protecting them with your silence. You're helping the Dark Lord." Lily straightened in her seat and did not blink. "He wants people to think that Muggle-borns are of a lower race, unworthy. We must stand together and prove that we are made of stronger metal than he wishes."

"You're a Muggle-born?" Lily asked, knowing it was the least appropriate question.

"Yes."

"Oh," Lily said, looking down at her interlocked hands.

"Yes, 'oh.' Do you care to explain yourself?" the professor asked.

Lily began to think. Why hadn't she told James the truth? Had it just been a rash decision or was it what this woman said, that Lily was trying to protect her friends?

"I guess you realized whipped cream in a bottle was pretty ridiculous, huh?"

"Not the worst that I received, though most of the others didn't use real students."

Lily sat for a moment looking at this woman who was too short and too wide and too too many things for Lily to count and consider. Did she really think that by staying silent that Lily was helping Voldemort? Was she honestly suggesting that Lily ought to have explained about the way keeping the secret of magic had cost Lily her childhood friends, her sister, and (though she would never admit it or talk about) her parents?

"He asked me if he could use my name, told me what he'd written, and I just couldn't be bothered to correct him," Lily finally said. "I didn't think he'd cared."

"No one will care unless you make them."

"Well, Professor," Lily said, standing. "I'll think about what you said. You won't fail James on this project, will you? Because, I mean, while he suggested it, I didn't refute it. I could have."

"I won't fail him, though I may suggest he speak with you again." Lily nodded, though secretly she wanted to scream at the woman that she couldn't do that, that she ought to never suggest that James seek Lily out for any reason at all, but maybe Professor Carpenter was right. Maybe, at the end of the day, Lily needed to stop pushing people away and start letting them in. Wasn't that what Gertrude was always saying?

~*~*~

Lily did not go back to the common room right away. In fact, well after curfew had fallen, Lily was found sitting on the ledge of the astronomy tower, feet dangling over the edge bouncing against the wall as Lily sought recognizable constellations in the skies. Her wand in one hand, covered in a pleasant warming charm, Lily could not help but wonder what had become of her life. And then feel like a terrible cliché for wondering.

But all she knew was that her family no longer knew her, and she no longer knew them. Her sister was engaged to a man Lily had never met. Her mother and father were people she wrote carefully constructed letters to once a week out of obligation. She omitted all mention of magic and classes and lessons because she knew they wouldn't understand, and all that meant was that her letters were never complete. Her family never really knew everything about Lily's life.

And so she was going to change that. The first step had been writing Petunia that letter.

She could only hope her sister responded.

Swivelling and sliding off the wall onto the ground, Lily straightened her robes and began her long journey back to the common room.

Wishing she had her badge to light, just in case she was caught, Lily walked through the main corridors, knowing that Filch avoided them in favour of the 'secret' passageways that second years tended to find and believe they were the first to discover. Lily walked past the portrait of the Balancing Ballerina and the Dancing Bear, but just as she was about to step off a staircase in front of the Fat Lady, it turned and Lily found herself looking at a corridor on the opposite side.

"No," Lily said, looking at the steps. "I don't know how to get back from here. Take me back. Please? I just want to go to bed."

But the staircase did not move. Petulantly, Lily glared and muttered some obscenities.

"Look, Lily's gone crazy." Jumping up and pointing her wand in the direction of the disturbance, Lily found herself ready to fight Matt and Christine.

"Staircase not where you want it to be?" Matt asked, smiling. Lily shook her head and smiled at the pair.

"What were you doing out?" Lily asked Christine. Matt, she assumed because of his lit badge, had been patrolling.

"Snogging," Christine replied.

"With that same Ravenclaw?" Lily asked, interested. Christine had quite a few passing flings. This one had seemed to last over a month.

"Yes," Christine replied. Matt was giving her a knowing smirk.

"So are you dating him, then?" Lily asked, walking off the staircase and into the corridor so that they could lower their voices.

"No," Christine said quickly, shaking her head and having her long blonde hair swing.

"They are," Matt mocked whispered to Lily. "Stumpy just doesn't like commitment words like dating or boyfriend."

"Are you exclusive?" Lily asked Christine.

"I don't know. I don't want to talk about this." Christine began to walk past Lily and Matt, but Matt grabbed her wrist and gently pulled her back, then turned to address Lily.

"Yes. They're exclusive. Or, at least, he is," Matt replied, looking at Lily though he never let go of Christine, who had a smile form and then stay on her face.

And then Lily clicked.

"Matt's the Ravenclaw!" Lily exclaimed, looking at Christine for confirmation.

"True," Christine replied, nodding and looking at Matt.

"Really?" Lily asked, smiling at the idea. "For how long?"

"Ew. Why would someone count?" Christine asked. "Except for a date for the anniversary. Then it might be important."

"Yes, for the presents," Lily said jokingly.

"Feels like forever," Matt complained mock-sadly. Even if Lily hadn't caught the tone of his words, she could have seen that he had no problem because his hand had moved off of Christine's wrist and was now resting of the small of her back, where Lily couldn't see it. But she could see Christine's smile grow as she moved to rest her head in the space between his shoulder and neck. He was tall, but Christine was not much shorter.

"Have you told anyone?" Lily asked.

"Why would we?" Christine asked, looking honestly confused.

"No," Matt said. His white teeth shining out from that ever-present smile. Had Lily never noticed the way they both seemed to glow around one another? (And it wasn't just that they both had blonde, almost Veela-like hair.) They looked happy. Lily felt a brief pang of jealousy. She wanted that. She wanted that very much.

"Are you trying to keep it a secret?"

"No," Christine replied, stepping away from Matt and beginning to walk in the direction of the staircase that Lily had just vacated.

"Then why not tell people?" Lily asked.

"Why would we do that?" Christine questioned.

"She really doesn't understand," Matt said to Lily. Once again, Lily found herself walking beside him as Christine marched ahead, leading the way.

"So that people know you're not available," Lily said, loud enough for Christine to hear.

"I'm still available," Christine piped up from in front.

"She has commitment issues," Matt whispered in explanation to Lily, not seeming disturbed by Christine's exclamation, almost as if he knew that she was not actually still available.

"So I'm guessing you're not on patrol?"

"Oh. I am," Matt said, "but when Diana and I found Christine, one of us had to take her back to her common room and Diana insisted that it was me. She thought she'd heard someone in a room down the corridor and she knew I was sometimes too lenient."

"Well, there's one benefit to no one knowing," Lily said.

"Diana took ten points from me," Christine countered, turning around and heading back toward Lily and Matt, then walking right past them. The pair turned around and followed her.

"You took off points?" Lily asked, looking at Matt.

"You Gryffindors must learn to not be out to late," Matt said as Christine sat down on a stair in the middle of a staircase. He sat too. "Speaking of which, I think we caught you too."

"Oh," Lily replied, sitting down, "but I was--"

"Liar," Christine interrupted.

"I haven't even said anything," Lily protested.

"Pre-emptive strike," Christine explained.

"You're the weirdest person I know," Lily said. "Speaking of which, why are we sitting here?"

"We're waiting to go back to Gryffindor Tower," Christine replied as if it were obvious.

"And sitting here will do that?"

"Yes."

And so they sat and waited for the staircase to move back to the Gryffindor Tower corridor, talking about Quidditch and dating and anniversaries and commitment issues. Matt McGrath, Christine O'Connell, and Lily Evans sat on a staircase in the middle of the night, attached to the wrong corridor, and talked for the first time in a long time about the way life was supposed to be. When the staircase detached itself, it did not go to the Gryffindor corridor, but it went to one that was close enough and the three set off.

"So how'd you get together?" Lily finally asked.

"I kissed him," Christine said by way of explanation. Lily smiled; her friend did hate to explain things clearly, didn't she? But maybe it really was that simple: one kiss and then a lifetime of friendship changed into something more.

Lily wanted to ask if they were scared, if they feared losing the easy friendship they'd shared since Tracy and Christine met over six years ago. Didn't Matt and Christine wonder what would happen if it didn't all work out?

But walking beside the pair of them, Lily knew that they weren't wondering about the future. They were just walking with a friend down an old corridor after curfew, waiting to reach a common room they did not share. And to Lily, it made perfect sense.

It was funny to think that at the beginning of this school year, Lily had considered Matt a fringe friend, connected only through Tracy, and Christine was her most distant best friend. Now, no more than five months later, they were two of only a handful of people whom she felt genuinely comfortable around.

"Am I the only one that knows?" Lily asked, as the Fat Lady swung open.

"Dunno," Christine replied, shrugging.

"Probably," Matt amended. Neither one of them looked scared at that idea.

"I won't tell anyone," Lily promised.

"Duh," Christine responded, rolling her eyes.

"I feel kind of special, being the only one that knows. And I figured it out all on my own," Lily said, grinning.

"Well, you are the top student in your year," Matt said, smirking.

"I'm--" Lily began protesting.

"Liar!" Christine and Matt interrupted together, Matt's tone mocking Christine as a grin curved his lips upward.

Lily left them then, smiling to herself. Yes, they made sense.

~*~*~

The next day, Lily did not receive a response owl from Petunia. Not that she'd expected to. Beavendean was far from Scotland and bird travel would take awhile. She knew all of that and yet she was still a tad disappointed.

In the Transfiguration lesson, Professor McGonagall began by introducing protective transfiguration.

"Does anyone know what protective transfiguration involves?" Professor McGonagall asked as if she hadn't just lectured on it the previous Friday. A few students raised their hands.

"Yes, Miss Wrightman?" Lily turned to look at Gertrude, surprised that the Slytherin prefect had raised her hand. She never did that in Transfiguration. Or ever, basically.

"Protective transfiguration involves transfiguring an object into an exact copy of itself only stronger, with charms and defensive spells imbedded into the material," Gertrude answered.

"Good. Anything more?" McGonagall asked, scanning her eyes over the students.

Lily, who was seated near the front, on the left side of the room took the time to look over everyone too. Tracy, seated beside her, had her hand raised. As did quite a few others. Lily felt vaguely bad for not raising her hand, since she knew the answers, so she raised her own hand too.

"Yes, Mr. Underwood?" Lily turned at the sound of the name, more than a little surprised to find that she did not recognize the name.

"You can also use protective spells when transfiguring an object into a completely different object. It ensures that it will remain transfigured and that other spells will have less effect on the object," said the boy sitting next to Gertrude, who Lily recognized as the other Slytherin prefect. She'd forgotten. His name was Barbantio Underwood. "But it is a difficult task. It requires the combination of Charm, Defensive, and Transfigurative magics."

"Correct. Ten points to Slytherin for the collective answers," Professor McGonagall said, nodding in their direction before beginning to ask for volunteers to demonstrate the proper hand motion, which was the one used for conjuring and shining objects. Of course Jodie the Ravenclaw prefect automatically raised her hand and was chosen. She was always ready to volunteer (and to brownnose, though Lily didn't mention that).

Lily lowered her head the moment the girl stood in front of the class. Jodie was already making a mistake, holding her wand the wrong way. So Lily took out her book and flipped through the pages until the section they were covering was before her. Then, of course, Professor McGonagall noticed she wasn't paying attention and called her on it.

"Miss Evans, please explain to the class what just happened with the demonstration." Oh, if a tone could cast a freezing hex, Lily wouldn't thaw until June. Lily looked up, first at McGonagall and then briefly at Jodie, before meeting McGonagall's eye again.

"Jodie held her wand in the wrong position and used the wrong hand motion," Lily said. She was only half-guessing. She knew the other girl hadn't had her wand in the correct position, and assumed the motion wasn't possible without that grip.

"Correct," McGonagall said, obviously pleased that Lily had answered correctly though she would never admit it. She knew Lily hadn't been paying attention. "Would you care to demonstrate the proper technique?"

"All right," Lily assented, knowing that McGonagall was commanding more than asking. The woman was a brilliant teacher, a genius of a witch, and a very strict person in general. No one got away with anything in her class. Lily sometimes wondered why the male half of her year dared to pull so many pranks in front of this woman.

Lily stood in front of the class and smiled at them all before casting her eyes over the desk for the object she was supposed to use the spell on. Nothing was obvious, so she quickly conjured a small stone and cast the spell.

"Protegitius Substitium," she said, making the appropriate double loop. The rock shimmered briefly before reappearing in the same spot without a visible difference. "Not exactly fireworks, is it?"

"Very good, Miss Evans," said Professor McGonagall, "but you were only supposed to demonstrate the hand motion. Demonstrating the spell could have been dangerous if you hadn't performed the hand motion correctly. Five points from Gryffindor for carelessness."

Sometimes, Lily really felt like Professor McGonagall hated her. This was one definitely of those times.

"Sorry, Professor" Lily said, lowering her eyes to the table.

"Please see me after class, Miss Evans," Professor McGonagall said, walking forward and picking up the stone. Addressing the class in a louder voice, McGonagall said, "Pair up and practice the hand motion with the stones on the table and the shining charm."

Standing in front of the class, Lily watched the pairing happen too quickly for her to become involved. Christine paired up with Remus Lupin (who'd only gotten back that day). Tracy went to the front of the room and paired up with Sirius Black. By the time Lily even had a chance to ask someone to partner up, the only people left unpaired were Severus Snape and James Potter: the guy that called her a Mudblood, and the egotistical bloke who knew she had been obsessed with him but was currently dating her best friend.

Maybe she could just work on her own and have James and Severus work together. Then Lily could join Christine and Remus Lupin's group and be at least moderately more comfortable than she would be with either of her options.

A glance at McGonagall told her that wasn't an option. Well, fine then. If Lily had to pick between mean-spirited Snape and the humiliation that came with even looking at (not to mention speaking and working with) James, it was an easy choice.

Lily picked up her wand and moved to talk to James, determined to make the situation less awkward. Determined to pretend like nothing had happened, like he hadn't been avoiding her and their Wednesday study sessions because he knew she was obsessed with him and was so terribly embarrassed. Okay. Deep breath.

"Need a partner?" Lily asked. Yes. That was a good opening line. Cool. Concise. Straight to the point. Lily felt like throwing up.

"Yes," he said. Good. He looked a little green around the edges. That served the dual purpose of making him look less attractive and letting Lily know that this wasn't a comfortable situation for him either. That brightened Lily's day a touch. Misery did love company after all.

And so Lily sat down next to James Potter and waited for him to start shining the stone. After a moment with him doing nothing, Lily looked over and found his attention (and gaze) on Tracy and Sirius. Oh that caused a pang of jealousy all right, but one which Lily determinedly ignored.

"Do you want to go first?" Lily offered, feeling quite generous to have opened a dialogue between them again.

"It's all right. You can start," James responded, nodding toward it and still not meeting her gaze.

"Okay," she said, leaning forward and 'shining' the stone. James un-shined it and then practiced his own shining charm.

"I feel like we're in the wrong class," James muttered, upset with his lacklustre (literally) result.

Lily didn't reply. Maybe he hadn't been talking to her. Maybe he'd just been muttering to himself. Either way, responding only made her feel sort of ill. All right, very ill. He was sitting there next to her (her best friend's boyfriend) knowing that she had lusted after him. Ack. This sucked. A lot. Why hadn't Tracy partnered with him? Hmmm?

Lily leaned forward and shined and un-shined the stone.

James leaned forward and failed again. Lily noticed the way his thumb was too far back on the wand. He'd have done fine with regular Transfiguration with that grip, but this spell needed a slight different grip.

"Do you have a suggestion?" James asked, catching her watching his grip. Lily shook her head automatically.

"No," Lily said. Definitely not. Nope. Never.

"You could tell me if you see something I ought to change," James continued, sounding like he was talking about more than transfiguration. "That's why we're in pairs."

Lily watched him try once more to perfect the charm, shining the stone but not as well as he might have hoped. He tried a few more times, finally growing so frustrated that he just transfigured the entire thing into a diamond and back.

"Wow," Lily said involuntarily, commenting on his bit of Transfiguration.

"What?"

"The diamond. That was great."

"Just stone to stone transfiguration. We learned that in second year," James mentioned, shrugging. It is had been anyone else, Lily might have thought that comment was humble. Coming from James, it sounded like condescension.

"The tougher the stone, the harder the transfiguration and the more power it requires," Lily said, equally condescendingly. "I don't think I could've done that."

"You don't?"

"Oh no. I'm not that powerful," Lily explained, shaking her head.

"So you think I'm powerful?" James asked with a toss of his head. Lily shook her head at his sheer stupidity and arrogance and looked down at the rock, casually un-shining it.

"You say some really stupid things sometimes," Lily said, feeling brave for saying it. But if he was dating her best friend, the least Lily could do was to get over her crush (read: obsession) and start acting like a normal human being around him, which meant she would have to start talking to him. After all, she was probably going to see a lot more of him if she wanted to rebuild her friendship with Tracy.

"Excuse me?"

"You say some really stupid things sometimes," Lily repeated. Okay. So he knew she liked him. But Lily had to be sure he knew also that she didn't think he was perfect. "And I have to believe that they are stupid things you don't think about saying, because if you think about them and if you are really that conceited, mean, or arrogant, I should just leave."

"And work with Snape?" James asked with an edge of meanness.

"No. Ew. But that's not really the point," Lily said, shaking her head and shining and un-shining the stone. "The point is that you have started thinking before speaking. I've seen you do it, but occasionally you forget and it makes me sick to hear some of the thoughtless things you say."

"Are you done berating me now?"

"I didn't mean to berate you," Lily said, sadly realizing that he probably just had more reason to hate her now. "I just wanted you to know how you come off. "

"What business is it of yours how I come off?"

"A lot, as I am the one that's hurt and confused by your comments," Lily replied, still shining and un-shining the rock.

"Why does this have to be so bloody difficult?" James asked, slouching in his chair and his eyes staring hard at the stone.

"What's so difficult?" Lily asked.

"This- you and me talking. Why is it so hard?" He sounded honestly confused, like the question wasn't a rhetorical one, like he wanted an answer.

Well, if he thought Lily was about to answer that question, he had another think coming. Lily was not about to rehash the fact that James was acting like a jerk, ignoring her, glaring at her, and generally being uncomfortable around her because he knew she liked him. Instead, Lily kept shining and up shining the stone, creating pretzel motions with her wand. Until, that is, James reached over and pinned her wand to the table with his own and began to speak, and Lily's instincts took over as she yanked her arm back, twisted her wand free and, in a single movement, placed the point of her wand between his eyes in an offensive stance.

"Whoa. Calm down," he said, holding up his hands and cutting off the spell she'd begun. "I just wanted you to stop shining the damn thing."

"Sorry," Lily muttered, closing her eyes and shaking her head as she lowered her wand to her side. "I'm just jumpy. I'm tired or something."

"Or you were attacked by Death Eaters and I forgot and made a stupid gesture," James said almost apologetically. Lily eyes snapped open and her eyes locked with his.

"What?" Lily asked.

"Oh," he said, lifting his hand and running it through his hair in that way that irritated Lily because she found it so attractive. She needed to stop thinking like that. This was her best friend's boyfriend. "Was that another stupid comment?"

"No," Lily replied, shaking her head. "That was a brilliant comment."

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"No. For once, that was sincere," Lily said.

"Really?"

"Yes," Lily said. She wanted to explain that everyone else tiptoed around the issue, irritating her to no end. To hear someone just come out and say it -- it was sort of refreshing.

"Okay," he replied. He seemed to want to say so much more. It was as if a flood of words and sentences and thoughts were being held at bay within him, wanting so desperately to leak out and reach Lily. But instead of any of those comments, James turned to the rock and said, "What am I doing wrong?"

So Lily told him about his thumb and showed him where to put it on the wand, but never gave into the temptation to just place his fingers herself because she kept feeling Tracy's eyes flitter over to watch the pair of them. Seriously, why hadn't Tracy just worked with him?

~*~*~

"I don't understand you, Miss Evans."

Most people don't, Lily refrained herself from saying. The class had been dismissed and Professor McGonagall was in the process of giving Lily her dressing down.

"You are a brilliant student, but you never volunteer. You blatantly pay no attention to demonstrations and yet are prepared to answer my questions."

Lily waited.

"How did you know what Miss Livingstone had done incorrectly? Did Miss McGrath tell you?"

"No," Lily replied. "I saw the moment she stood up there that Jodie was holding the wand incorrectly for that spell."

"There is no mention of the correct grip in the book, Miss Evans," Professor McGonagall said tersely.

"Then I remembered from your lecture," Lily replied, waving off the irrelevant comment.

"I made no note of wand grip either." Well, that was a shock.

"Well," Lily amended, taking her own wand out and holding it the correct way, "look at the motion. Jodie couldn't have made the proper loop without having her hand turned at least a little to the right."

"Have you studied this spell before?"

"No," Lily replied. "And I'm sorry about not paying attention, but it's difficult to watch someone demonstrate the wrong way."

"Then why didn't you interrupt and correct her?"

Lily scoffed at that. Aloud. It was obviously not the response the professor had wanted, but Lily couldn't help herself. Correct Jodie? In front of the class? Ha!

"I don't see the humour in the situation, Miss Evans."

"I'm not a professor, ma'am," Lily said. "Correcting a student would make me look like a ridiculous show off and a braggart."

"No, Miss Evans. It would look like you studied hard, paid attention in class, and cared about the learning experience of your fellow students." Professor McGonagall's voice sounded annoyed as she continued: "You cannot continue to hide in the middle of the class, Miss Evans. I know your scores on your exams and have even discussed your performance with my colleagues. Professor Flitwick, in particular, speaks highly of you, but we have all noticed your talent and your leadership abilities."

What leadership ability?

"Why do you think I nominated you for the prefect position?"

Because I was the only one that would take it? Lily thought. Sam didn't want it. Tracy would have ignored the responsibility. Christine would have forgotten it.

"I understand, Professor," Lily said, though she didn't. "I'm sorry."

The two parted ways shortly after that, nothing really resolved.

~*~*~

It had been a weird day. Actually, a weird week. Remus had spoken during patrol. Petunia had gotten engaged. Sam and Tracy disappeared for hours on end to 'talk.' Christine and Matt were dating. And so, when Lily went up to her dorm to study that Monday night, though she was shocked and freaked out, she wasn't all-together too confounded by the presence of Christian Knowles on a broom knocking on her window.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Lily asked, running up and opening the window, grateful that the dorm was empty.

"I needed to talk to you," he said, flying inside and stepping on the ground.

"And owling me was too simple?" Lily asked.

"This isn't something that ought to be discussed by owl," Christian said, holding his broom in one hand. He looked dishevelled. And gorgeous. Let's not forget gorgeous.

"How far did you fly?" Lily asked, trying not to remember how much fun kissing him had been. Her hormones were getting out of control.

"Not far. I flooed to Hogsmeade and then bought this broom and flew here," he explained.

"Of course," Lily said, putting her hands on her hips, "because owling wasn't an option, walking seemed blasé, and only commoners bring their own brooms into the floo network."

"Lily, I need to talk to you about the Ball--"

"You couldn't have even owled to let me know you were coming?" Lily asked, growing more and more frustrated by this strange occurrence.

"I shouldn't have brought you there," Christian continued as if Lily hadn't interrupted.

"Because if you'd owled me I could have at least met you somewhere that wasn't also my bedroom."

"It's my fault you were attacked."

"Somewhere where-- What?" Lily stopped her rant as she finally processed his words.

"It's my fault."

"Oh. Is your name secretly Voldemort?" Christian flinched at the name, eyes widening enough to cover the bags under his eyes.

"I'm serious, Lily."

"That, at least, I believe," Lily said. "You're always serious. But you're also randomly in my dorm room during dinner hours in a country where you don't go to school. Forgive me if I don't think you're exactly in your right mind at the moment."

"It was Ian," Christian said. "I think he tricked me into bringing you. I think he works for Voldemort."

"Hey, Ranting Boy," Lily cut him off, feeling a sharp stab of anger though she did not know why, "you need to calm the hell down."

"I am calm," Christian said. "I've been thinking about this for a month. Longer than that. Why did I invite you? I needed a date but Sophie would have gone with me and you broke my heart. So why was I there? Or. Why were you there? Why had Jacob called me away just when the Death Eaters arrived? You were there, and you were alone, and that is my fault."

"Christian. Stop." Fear was grabbing at Lily. Christian sounded crazy.

"No. Lily. Ian told me to bring you, but he didn't go. I think he knew."

"Shut up. Shut up!" Lily yelled. Her voice seemed to have shocked her ex-boyfriend into silence. She took his head in her hands and brought it down so that she was looking him in the eye. "Listen to me. Ian is a good friend and a good person. But even if that weren't the case, he is a Muggle-born. He does not work for Voldemort."

"He's not a Muggle-born," Christian replied, lifting his hands and covering Lily's so that she could not remove them from his face. "His family only lived in a Muggle neighbourhood. He's a pureblood."

"Well," Lily said, thinking quickly, "even if that's true, it doesn't change anything. Ian's been a good friend to both of us."

"Don't you think it's odd that we met in a grocery store? Don't you think it was convenient?"

"No," Lily replied. "I was looking for bananas and so were you."

"But why were we there? We hadn't even planned on going until that day," Christian continued.

"And I hadn't planned on being there until ten minutes beforehand. That's how grocery shopping works," Lily answered. But a thoroughly guilt-ridden and panicked Christian did not want to believe Lily. They sat for hours together, talking things through, calming his frayed nerves until well after the sun set and her room mates tried to enter the room. Lily had told them all to come back later.

In the meantime, Christian told Lily about what happened right after the Ball, the details she hadn't known: cameramen waiting at the exit and taking pictures of the injured guests, Aurors taking over and scourgifying all of the film and oblivating the reporters. He told her about being healed and sent out of the hospital in less than an hour, the staff telling him that he couldn't see Lily, that she was being worked on.

He sat at the hospital for hours, waiting for her to be better, waiting for the nurse to come out and say that they were doing working on Lily, but by the time the next day dawned and she still wasn't allowed visitors, Christian knew something was really wrong. He'd never heard of the healers not being able to fix anyone in less than a few hours. He had thought she was dead and he realized that it was his fault.

But the Auror Director had come to speak with him, reassuring him that Lily would be fine, asking about what had happened at the Ball. Christian said he barely remembered talking to the woman. He only remembered the moment his father had arrived, sweeping into the hospital and telling the woman off for asking Christian for a statement without an attorney present.

Christian had told his father about Lily's state, about the way nurses and healers ran in and out of her room all the time, never letting him in. Mr. Knowles had found the director of the hospital and insisted that Lily's parents be notified and brought in. It turned out that Mr. Knowles was one of the largest donators to the hospital, and when he suggested something, it happened. That was how Mr. and Mrs. Evans had defied a lifetime of tradition and entered the wards of St. Mungo's Hospital.

"I didn't know," Lily said. "I knew them coming was different, but I hadn't known what it took."

"The Aurors picked up your parents, and I wanted to stay and talk with them, but the Ministry Official said that I would be hampering an ongoing investigation. Father took me home. I tried to owl you, but they came back unopened."

"One of the guests was sent letter that blew up," Lily explained. "We weren't allowed any mail after that."

He nodded and told her how worried he'd been. Christian told her about the guilt her felt, knowing that Lily was only at the Ball because of him, and Lily told him that she had never even thought of being angry with him about that.

"You didn't?" he asked.

"Not even for a moment," she replied, wondering how he could have thought she would.

"But I brought you and then--"

"And then Voldemort attacked," Lily finished. "Voldemort. Not you. It wasn't like you turned around and started lobbing chairs at me or anything."

"But I wasn't there to protect you." And the sadness in his voice endeared him to Lily all over again. She leaned in toward him (by this point they were both sitting on the ledge under the window) and wrapped her arms around him.

"You didn't have to protect me," Lily murmured against his shoulder.

"I should have." But Lily knew Christian better than he thought she did. Yes, he wanted to have protected her. Yes, he would have thought he was, but Lily knew that he would have thought grabbing her hand and the first available Portkey would have been enough. And, though this seemed a strange moment to realize it, Lily finally came to comprehend the fact that Christian was not what she wanted at all in a boyfriend. Instead of someone that would pull her out of the thick of things, she wanted someone who would have jumped into the middle and stood beside her, casting a shield too.

"Christian," Lily began, "you can't do this to yourself. You can't blame yourself and suspect your friends. You can't. You'll drive yourself mad."

"But when I heard you were in the hospital for over a week, I just-" He didn't finish the sentence. He never would.

"Ian is one of your best friends," Lily said, "one of my best friends too."

"I know, and I suppose I never really suspected him, but I need to blame someone. Someone has to be at fault," Christian asserted.

"Voldemort is at fault, he and his Death Eaters. No one else." Christian nodded but did not reply. Lily stood, her back killing her, and said, "It's late. My roommates are probably already asleep in the common room. Why don't I go ask the guys if you can have a bed, and--"

"No. It's all right," Christian said, standing too. "I'll rent a room in town."

"That's stupid. Just stay here."

"No. I'd feel uncomfortable. I already feel uncomfortable, making such a scene in front of you," Christian said, obviously embarrassed by the tears he had shed and the accusations he had flung. "But I'm glad I talk to you."

"Me too. Will you be okay to fly?"

"Yes," Christian said, picking up his broom.

"How did you know where to Floo to anyway?" Lily asked, suddenly curious. Wasn't the castle supposed to be unplotted?

"Gertrude Wrightman told me the name of the town," he answered.

"What?" Lily asked. "How do you know Gertrude?"

"We grew up together, in a way," Christian said. "Do you know her?"

"I know of her," Lily replied. "She's a prefect."

"I knew that," Christian said, smiling slightly before it faded from his face.

"Well, come on, you can't very well mount your broom in here. Let's at least go into the common room and have you fly out a proper window," Lily suggested, leading Christian out the door, down the stairs, and into the common room. He gave her a tight hug - the first since they had broken up - a quick kiss on the cheek and then he was gone, flying out the window.

She heard a slamming door and turned to look at the boy's dormitory door, where she spotted Tracy giving her an exasperated look.

"Was that Hottie?" came Christine voice near the fireplace.

"Yeah," Lily said, looking out the window and remembering the conversation and offering no further explanation.

"How'd he get here?" Christine asked. She and Tracy appeared to be the only other people in the common room at the moment.

"I have no effing idea. Zero." He couldn't really have come all this way just to talk about guilt issues, could he? And why had it been Gertrude that told him where to floo?

"Did he perhaps come here for a snog?" Christine asked, smirking.

"He goes to school in France," Lily replied as if that were the most important reason why that wasn't an option.

"So?" Christine asked.

"So you really think he came all this way just for a snog?"

"True. Was it a shag then?" Lily burst into laughter, staring incredulously at Christine.

"Yes," Lily replied. "That's it. That's what we've been doing for the last four hours, shagging."

"If you weren't shagging, what were you doing?" Tracy asked, finally joining the conversation.

"Talking. A lot," Lily answered.

"About what?" Tracy asked as the door to the boy's dorm reopened and Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew stepped out.

"What's going on down here?" Sirius asked.

"Lily and her ex-boyfriend just came out of the girls dorms and we were all wondering what happened," Tracy replied in a tone Lily did not like.

"Oh," Sirius said, smiling and looking at Peter. "That explains it then."

"Yep," Peter agreed, shaking his head at Lily. It looked like they were passing judgment on Lily. How effing annoying.

"Wait. Why was he here if not to shag?" Christine asked, still looking confused. Sirius and Peter also looked curious about this answer. Stupid buggers. Why should they care about her life? She didn't know them.

"He wanted to talk about New Year's," Lily answered.

"Why couldn't he have owled you?" Sirius asked. Lily's eyes locked on his and she suddenly had a great idea.

"I don't know, but I want to find out," Lily said, walking forward until she was right next to Sirius. "I bet you know the way to the Slytherin common room."

"You don't?" Sirius asked, feigning great surprise.

"Can you take me there?" Lily asked.

"Well," Sirius began, casting his eyes over Lily's shoulder. When she turned, she found Tracy nodding. Sirius nodded back, pointing to the boy's dorm.

"Hey!" Lily exclaimed. "The nodding-silent-message-thing is annoying. Stop it."

"I can take you there," Sirius said, dragging his eyes away from Tracy and focusing back on Lily.

"Good. Let's go," Lily said, walking toward the portrait. When she realized Sirius wasn't beside her, she turned to find Sirius talking to Tracy and Peter. Both nodded before heading to the boys's dorm door. Lily felt another stab of jealousy. Tracy was going to chat with James, probably to explain about Sirius disappearing.

"Sirius, can we go now?" Lily called over to him.

"Where are you going?" Christine asked.

"The Slytherin common room."

"Have fun!" Christine called back, standing and moving toward the girls's dorm, making Lily wonder exactly where Sam was.

As the pair walked outside the common room and into the dark corridor, they were silent. In fact, they kept that silence until they reached the main floor and Lily began doubting her own assumptions and thus began talking.

"Do you really know how to get to their common room?" Lily asked.

"Does a hippo secretly want to dance with sugar plum fairies?" Sirius replied, placing his hand on the small of her back and leading her down the corridor. Lily twisted away from his touch.

"So your boyfriend came to visit?" Sirius asked.

"Ex-boyfriend," Lily corrected.

"But you hugged and he kissed you," Sirius said. She looked at him curiously.

"How do you know that?"

"I'm a Seer," he said deadpan. Lily barked out a bit of laughter. Sirius looked at her and asked, "How do you know I'm not telling the truth?"

"I'm a Seer," Lily claimed, smirking as she ducked under the outstretched arm of a suit of armour.

"How could we not have known that about each other?" Sirius asked. "Shameful, that is, not knowing how alike we were. We ought to get to know one another a little better."

"Eff that," Lily said dismissively. "Talking will only attract Filch."

"Brilliant," Sirius muttered, smiling and nodding his head as if approving Lily for the first time. Like she was something that needed approving.

"Why are you so bloody happy? A few weeks ago you were moody and throwing things. Go back to that," Lily commanded. "Sulky is silent."

"And bitter is not sexy," Sirius said, giving Lily a look that clearly indicated that he was talking about her.

"I'm allowed to be bitter," Lily said. I had my heart broken recently by your best friend and now my ex-boyfriend randomly showed up outside my window and Gertrude knew about it. I'm allowed to be cranky, at the very least.

"Listen, if you're still upset about the James thing-"

"You know about that?" Lily asked, horrified. Horrified. She stopped moving, standing on the main floor and just wanting her embarrassment to swallow her up.

"Of course. I'm his best mate," Sirius said, puffing up his chest and gently pushing Lily to start her walking again.

"Ugh," Lily moaned. "I don't even want to think about it. No one else knows, right?"

"About the recent developments? Just me," Sirius said.

"And Tracy," Lily added. "Do you know when it started then?"

"A few years ago," Sirius said. Lily stopped moving again and just sat on the steps. James had started liking Tracy years ago? Years ago? Oh frick. And Lily had been throwing herself at him, practically, for years. Oh. And he was such a jerk at the beginning but then he got nicer, like he realized he needed to have Tracy's friends approve of him.

"Someone should just hex me," Lily moaned. Once more, Sirius grabbed her arm and pulled her forward until they were at the dungeon stairs.

"It's not all that bad," Sirius said, sounding offended. "He's a good guy."

"Not all that bad?" Lily repeated, wrenching her arm away from him as she started power walking away from him. "I've been obsessed with a boy who has liked one of my best friends for years and you don't think it's that bad? You don't think it's that bad that he knows I've been obsessed with him? I think this qualifies as 'That Bad.'"

"Wait a second," Sirius said, running to cut Lily off and stand before her. "What did you just say?"

"I said this situation is really bad and that I don't need you to belittle it!" Lily snapped, walking around him. "It's bad enough to know that he told you; it makes me ill to just think about in general."

"What are we talking about here, exactly?"

"I thought you knew," Lily said.

"I do," Sirius said. "I think you're confused."

"I'm not confused," Lily said, throwing her hands up in the air. "I know that James and Tracy are dating. I know that he figured out how I felt about him and felt badly about not liking me in return. And I know that I'm the world's biggest fool for just chasing him around, and you know what? I don't need you to tell me not to care."

A moment of glaring and staring (on the parts of Lily and Sirius respectively) passed. Then Lily walked on as a smile spread across Sirius's face.

"This is great," Sirius muttered. Lily spun on him.

"What?"

"This is great!" Sirius exclaimed, rushing forward, picking up Lily and spinning her around. "You're just as confused as he is. This is wonderful."

"Hey, crazy guy," Lily snapped when he put her down, "I think we've covered how not wonderful this is for me."

"You say Tracy knows all about this?" Sirius said, walking again toward the dungeons and leading Lily down a corridor,

"Well, she is dating the bloke, isn't' she?" Lily asked.

"Yes, yes." Sirius made a motion as it to brush that aside. "But you've told her all this?"

"I didn't tell her, but I know she figured it out. She's the one that told James how I felt." Oh that was hard to admit. Overwhelming shame came back. This whole situation royally sucked.

"So she knows what? That she's dating James or that you like him?" Sirius pressed.

"I should think both," Lily snapped. "Because she definitely knows how I feel-- felt about James, and if she doesn't know that she's dating him it would be a bit awkward, wouldn't it?"

"Oh, you have no idea," Sirius said, smiling at Lily. "This has so informative, this walk. We ought to do this more often."

"Well, you know, our futures are tied together, so I'm sure we'll have time for a few more walks," Lily said bitterly.

"What?" he asked. "If you're asking me to date you, there's no way that'll ever happen."

"Wow. That was definitely not where I was going with that, and yet I still feel offended," Lily said. "Thanks for that. Really made this day better. Not that I want to date you, or really talk to you that much at this point, but what's so wrong with me? Tracy told me she didn't think any guy would date me at Hogwarts. And let me tell you, that did nothing for my confidence."

"Oh," Sirius said, throwing an arm around Lily's shoulders again as he turned her to face a wall, "this is going to be so much fun."

"What is?" Lily asked, suspicious.

"Everything."

"All right, Mr. Cryptic, can we just get to the Slytherin common rooms?" Lily said, trying to dislodge herself from his grip and finding it impossible.

"This is it," Sirius said, gesturing at the wall.

"You've got to be kidding me," Lily muttered. "They got stuck with a wall? They couldn't have even had a tapestry?"

"I'm sure they like that they're so secret," Sirius said. Lily scoffed.

"That's such a joke! The Slytherins always get the short end of the stick, don't they? I mean, a bloody wall?" Lily muttered, poking the wall with her wand.

"So why are we here?" Sirius asked, watching her poke the wall.

"I presume you're here to see me."

Both Sirius and Lily jumped and grabbed their wands, pointing them at the direction of the voice. But once they recognized the speaker, Lily lowered her wand. Sirius did not.

"You're creepy, you know, the way you just appear places," Lily said, pocketing her wand.

"Hello, Lily. Hello, Sirius," Gertrude Wrightman said, stepping forward. Lily looked back and forth between them as Sirius lowered his wand but did not put it away.

"Do you know each other?" Lily asked.

"Our families are connected," Gertrude replied.

"Oh," Sirius said, sounding falsely cheerful, "didn't you hear, Gertrude? They aren't my family anymore. I've joined the ranks of Andromeda and company."

"Another scorch mark on a perfectly good wall," Gertrude said shaking her head and causing her blonde hair to shimmer behind her.

"As of New Year's Eve, that's me: scorch mark seventeen." Lily had just been complaining and generally not having a good day (a weird day to be sure, but not necessarily very good), and then she saw Gertrude and her day got better. But Sirius went from obnoxiously happy to guarded and testy. Why hadn't he done that earlier, when she asked him to?

Gertrude gave him a narrow-eyed look of contempt and said, "You ran away from them."

Okay. So they definitely seemed to know one another.

"I disapproved of their beliefs."

"You turned your back on your heritage, your ancestors, and twenty generations of family." Oh. Lily knew Gertrude well enough to know that those were major no-nos. She valued pride and loyalty highly. What Lily hadn't known until that moment, as she watched Sirius turn a scary purple colour, was that he did too.

"I turned my back on my current family," Sirius said in clipped tones, "and their current bigoted, arse-hole ideas of purity."

"You mean you turned your back on your Slytherin family."

"The Sorting Hat helped me there," Sirius said. "But no, I didn't turn my back on my Slytherin family. Andromeda's a Slytherin. Uncle Alphard was a Slytherin. It's the rest I can't stand, no matter what house they were in. I'm not a Hufflepuff, Gertrude. I don't pledge loyalty blindly to a family whose beliefs I hate."

"I'll never be allowed to see you again in public, you know. It wouldn't be proper."

"It hasn't been proper since first year," Sirius returned, his voice changing from defensive to almost sad. Now Lily was really interested in what was happening.

"But it was at least acceptable," Gertrude said, "because of your history. Now even that is gone."

"I chose a side," Sirius said. "I don't regret that."

"I've chosen a side as well," Gertrude said, her eyes flicking over to Lily. And where Lily felt pleased to be acknowledged, it seemed that Sirius was not. He stepped in front of Lily, effectively blocking her from Gertrude's line of sight.

"No," he said. Lily leaned around him to give Gertrude a questioning look.

"Sirius, do you really think I was talking about hurting her?" Gertrude asked. Lily stepped to the side of him so that the three of them formed a triangle.

"Then what were you talking about?" he asked, cautious.

"I'm joining her side, Sirius," Gertrude declared. Lily threw her hair over her shoulders and struck a really self-congratulatory pose, trying to make them smile. Gertrude did.

"Why?" Sirius asked. "Why would you join a side you don't believe in?"

"Well, aren't you just a suspicious bloke?" Lily accused, causing him to stare at her. "What? Did you forget that I was here?"

"She cast a Shield Charm against Death Eaters to protect people she did not know," Gertrude stated. Sirius's head spun side to side as he looked first at Gertrude and then at Lily.

"When? Why? Are you an idiot?"

"She went a ball that both you and I were advised to avoid," Gertrude said. "A ball which, I assume, is part of the reason why you ran away."

"Of course it was!" Sirius exclaimed at Gertrude before addressing Lily, "Are you an idiot? You cast a shield? You went to the Ministry Ball?"

"Yes," Lily said, nodding. "I did. And I cast a shield. It got attacked and I got hurt."

"Of course you got hurt," Sirius said. "If you fight Death Eaters, you fight to win, not to survive. Never go defensive."

"Now there's a stupid strategy," Lily quipped. She turned to Gertrude, "And anyway, I sort of came to talk to you about that."

"Yes?"

"You cast a bloody shield at the Ball," Sirius muttered. Lily ignored him, though she noted the way that guilt seemed to have crawled up and onto his face. Interesting, that.

"My ex-boyfriend visited me tonight, freaking the hell out of me, by the way. He dropped your name," Lily mentioned casually. "Said you'd told him to floo to Hogsmeade."

"Yes, Christian wanted to speak with you in person."

"He asked if I knew you," Lily added.

"And you said no, I assume," Gertrude said, smiling softly. But her eyes had a hard, approving, grateful look to them.

"Christian? Christian Knowles?" Sirius asked, looking at the Slytherin girl. When she nodded he turned to Lily and asked, "Christian Knowles was the bloke you were with all summer?"

"What the hell?" Lily asked. "How did you know I dated someone this summer and how do you know Christian?"

"He's from an old family," Sirius said by way of explanation.

"Oh. And you know all the old families?" Lily scoffed.

"Yes," Sirius replied.

"And her best friend is Samantha," Gertrude added, like that was important at all at that moment.

"And she's convinced you to join Dumbledore's side," Sirius muttered.

"Not Dumbledore's. Hers. I'll join her," Gertrude corrected in her clear, pronounced voice. "And you're walking with her too, aren't you?"

"For a friend," Sirius murmured.

"What friend?" Lily asked.

"And she worked with Timothy all of last year," Sirius said, almost to himself.

"Why do you know that? Or remember that?" Lily asked, hands on her hips. What was going on here? Why did these people care who she knew, who she was friends with? Why did Sirius, whom she had never spoken to before, know so much about her?

"Kevin, too," Gertrude said, a smile beginning to form on her lips. "They're good friends."

"Kevin Creggie?" Lily asked. "I really wish you people would stop with the cryptic business already. I don't like being ignored."

"She's got one in each house, and one in a different country," Sirius said, shaking his head.

"One what?" Lily pressed.

"One heir," Sirius answered.

"Oh, well, you know," Lily said sarcastically as she remembered the Ministry and the orange eyed lady talking about heirs, "I have a checklist of heirs and I just go around picking them up as friends."

"That would almost make more sense," Sirius said.

"Not to distract from the conversation that makes no sense, but why the hell was Christian here?" Lily asked Gertrude.

"He felt badly about leaving you behind. Men, especially men from families like Christian's, do not do that," Gertrude explained. And Lily felt really weirded out. She couldn't believe he'd come all that way just to apologize. The boy had guilt issues, obviously.

"Was he warned?" Sirius asked, using the quietest voice Lily had ever heard him use, and scaring her in the process. He sounded capable of murder in that moment.

"No," Gertrude said. "His parents would never have known."

"Can you be sure?"

"He would not have taken her, if he'd known," Gertrude said, finality in her tone

And so Lily assumed she was supposed to go back to twiddling her thumbs as these two seemed to be talking in a code she wasn't privy to. How annoying.

"Hello. I came here to talk to Gertrude. You were meant to be the guide," Lily complained to Sirius. He looked startled at her.

"You're right," he said.

"Was there something else you wished to discuss?" Gertrude asked.

"No," Lily admitted. "Well, unless you want to tell me what you were doing out of your dorm or how you knew we were here to meet you."

"I'm on patrol at the moment," Gertrude said, pointing to her lit badge, "and I assume that I'm the only Slytherin you would like to speak to in the middle of the night."

"Well, you and Snape, who's secretly my lover," Lily joked. Sirius seemed to choke on his own tongue, then started laughing.

"So where's your partner?" Lily asked. "Whose name I have already forgotten. What is wrong with me? McGonagall just said it today."

"He's escorting a couple of Ravenclaw boys back to their dorm."

"First years?" Lily asked.

"Yes."

"Chad and Will," Lily guessed, shaking her head.

"Yes," Gertrude said. "I had expected better of Chad Caldwell, at least."

"We better get going before your partner comes back," Sirius said, not looking scared or like he particularly care, but looking sincere nonetheless. Lily didn't really understand it.

"Are we still on for dinner tomorrow?" Lily asked.

"Yes," Gertrude said. "We ought to talk about what happened in Transfiguration today."

"Oh. I'm not very good at Transfiguration. You might want to ask-- well-- just about anyone rather than me," Lily said. Gertrude's eyes changed to a darker blue tone as she looked at Lily.

"Still too humble for your own good," Gertrude whispered, though Lily was sure Sirius hadn't heard her.

"If you need help, I know someone that could tutor you," Sirius said to Lily, his eyes twinkling.

"She doesn't need any help," Gertrude said. "You saw her at today's demonstration, didn't you, Sirius?"

He looked to be trying really hard to remember.

"The protective transfiguration," Gertrude prompted.

"Oh, that's right! That was brilliant. McGonagall was impressed," Sirius commented.

"She was not."

"We have to go," Sirius said, ignoring Lily as he shifted his gaze from her to Gertrude, "before your disapproving, boring friend returns."

"And so the thing ends," Gertrude said, looking sadly and almost disapprovingly at Sirius.

"No," Sirius said, shaking his head as he grabbed Lily's wrist and started pulling her away. "I'll crash one of your dinners with Lily. Scorch mark be damned."

But though his words were light-hearted, Lily felt how much they seemed to hurt both students. Gertrude looked like she felt Sirius had run away from her. Sirius looked sick.

"And if I don't see you," Sirius said at the end of the corridor, "happy birthday."

By that time Gertrude had turned and walked back down a side corridor, out of sight, but out of neither one's mind.

"McGonagall, just for your information, was angry today, not impressed," Lily finally said, trying to break the silence that had descended on the pair of them.

"She looked like she wanted to give you a hundred points!" Sirius said.

"She took points away and made me stay after class in order to listen to a lecture about not living up to my potential."

"See? She cares." Lily didn't bother arguing. The boy was mental. "And that was an impressive show, really. Don't know why you say you're no good at Transfiguration."

"I'm not," Lily said.

"Well, that's just--" Lily clamped her hand over his mouth and pulled him quickly into a niche in the wall. Motioning for him to remain silent, she peeked her head out and saw exactly what she'd suspected: Filch. Oh crap.

"What?" Sirius whispered. Oh, that idiot. Didn't he know the caretaker could hear a pin drop during a Quidditch game? Obviously not. Lily did some quick thinking and took what she considered to be the best course of action: she pushed Sirius into the middle of the corridor then cast a Cushioning Charm on the ground. The boy looked stunned, seemed to catch sight of Filch, and was just ready to run when Lily acted out the second half of her plan.

"Student out of bounds!" Lily yelled, launching herself at Sirius and tackling him to the ground. "That's what you get for breaking rules, you disrespectful miscreant!"

"What's this? What's happening?"

Filch was suddenly there. Him and his damn anorexic cat.

"Oh. Mr. Filch, sir. I didn't see you there," Lily said, standing and wiping off her robes. "I would have left him for you to take care of if I'd known."

The creepy old caretaker took in the scene before him: one of the school's most notorious pranksters lying on the ground in a heap and the redheaded prefect that cursed students handling the situation. He'd never wished he were a wizard more than at that moment, able to hex the boy. As it was, he wasn't even able to beat the students! But this girl didn't have to report directly to the headmaster. She'd never been caught for her punishments before.

"Evans?" Filch asked, confirming her identity.

"Yes, sir," Lily said.

"You'll see he's properly punished?"

"Of course."

"Like the Ravenclaw boy with welts?"

"Yes."

"And how many points?"

"Fifty, sir," Lily said. "It would be more, but McGonagall set a limit."

The grungy man nodded at her, shot one last look at the student on the ground, and was about to say something when Peeves appeared and kicked him in the back of the head. He was chasing after the poltergeist a moment later, leaving Sirius and Lily, never noticing the way she was lacking a badge.

Lily bent over and offered Sirius a hand up. He looked at it with wide eyes, looked at her, and then got up himself.

"What the hell was that?" he asked, rubbing his hip as if it hurt.

"Well, I saw Filch, and then you spoke aloud and he was coming over so I took action," Lily said, starting to walk down the corridor. Sirius followed.

"Took action? You bloody well tackled me to the ground."

"Well," Lily said reasonably, "it won't have had quite the same impact on Filch if I'd tried to tackle you and your shoulder hadn't touched the ground."

"You could have broken my shoulder!" he complained.

"Oh puh!" Lily said. "I cast a Cushioning Charm on the ground. You were perfectly safe."

"And then he just left us alone, and what's this about taking fifty points off Gryffindor? And the Ravenclaw with welts?"

And so Lily explained about her relationship with Filch, about the way that Remus and she picked up the students he collected and convinced them to complain loudly about welts and bruises and beatings in general. The points, she said, were never actually taken off as she didn't actually have her badge on her.

"Just to be clear, you tackled me to the ground," Sirius recounted.

"Yep," Lily said, walking up to a wall and pushing the panel aside before walking forward.

"And then you convinced Filch not to take any points away or even give us a detention because you flat out lied to him," Sirius continued the story, following her into the secret passage.

"Yep," Lily lit her wand and kept walking. She heard feet jogging and then found Sirius's arm around her shoulders. He was a very touchy-feely person, wasn't he? Lily really wished he wasn't. She certainly wasn't. She had personal space and she liked it when other people respected those boundaries. Sirius did not.

"I am so glad to have met you, Lily," Sirius said.

"Um. Thanks?" Lily replied, unsure how she ought to reply to that statement as she ducked out of Sirius's grasp.

"No. Really. We're going to have a great time together."

"If that's your way of asking me out, I hope you know that'll never happen," Lily said, throwing his phrase from earlier that night back in his face.

"No. No. Not dating," Sirius replied, shaking his head and not seeming phased by her brilliant insult. "But I have this feeling like we'll be seeing a lot more of one another from now on."

"There is a joy in my heart that I can hardly suppress," Lily deadpanned. Sirius barked out a bit of laughter.

"Oh yes. This'll be great."

"Your enthusiasm is a little overwhelming," Lily said, opening the other panel and stepping out.

"And you know about secret passage ways, and there was that weird night when I thought we were under attack last year. Oh, I didn't believe him, but he was right about you last night. You're more than you appear," Sirius said.

"That's funny," Lily replied, stepping away from him a bit. "Gertrude once told me I was exactly as she expected, exactly as I appeared."

"Gertrude's a girl," Sirius replied. "Plus, she's observant. I just thought you were great at shutting down James. It was fun to watch. Didn't know you were a spitfire all the time. I would have hung out with you more often."

"Oh, think of the years we missed," Lily said.

"Don't worry," Sirius replied cheerfully. "We'll make it up in the years to come!"

"Again with the overwhelming joy," Lily said, taking a left turn and beginning to climb a staircase that conveniently moved up a couple of levels, which meant it was closer to Gryffindor tower.

"I remember you yelling at James after the Defence O.W.L.s," Sirius recalled, and Lily felt like the air was sucked right out of her as a wave of embarrassment hit her. "James was so embarrassed after that. Oh yeah. That was great. But if you liked him, why were you yelling at him?"

"Could we please not talk about this?" Lily asked, still trying to breathe normally after the shock of the subject change. That was one memory Lily wished she could Obliviate.

"Oh, I understand. You're scared that I'll tell Jamsie. Don't worry. I won't. I promise."

"And you reek of sincerity," Lily said sarcastically. "But I'm not worried about James. He already knows. I just don't want to think about this."

Why had she even mentioned this to Sirius? Why? Was she a complete and utter idiot? No. He'd already known. James had told him. It didn't matter what she said.

"Come on. Open up. Tell Sirius your problems. After all, that's what best friends are for," Sirius said sweetly. Lily turned after stepping off the staircase to face him.

"Best friends? Sirius, this is probably the first time I've spoken to you outside of class. I think calling us friends at all would be a stretch," Lily said, turning and walking away.

"Okay. We're secret best friends," Sirius declared. Lily let out a bark of laughter.

"So secret that even we didn't know," Lily finished.

"Exactly. Glad to know you're intelligent too." Sirius didn't seem at all bothered by Lily's attempts to make him leave her alone.

"Look, there's the Fat Lady."

"So now you have a choice," Sirius said. "Either talk to me about this now or wait until we're in the common room."

"No!" Lily exclaimed, stopping walking. "We don't talk about this in the common room. Or ever. Ever would be better, but definitely not where other people could hear."

"So tell me now." He had that damnable twinkle in his eye. "Why'd you yell at Jamesie?"

"It's just because- ugh. I can't believe I'm about to tell you this. I haven't told anyone but Sam this. Ever."

"What about Tracy?"

"Tracy figured it out."

"You haven't talked to Tracy about any of this, have you?" he asked, his eyes widening. "This is going to be great."

"I really wish you would stop saying that."

"Okay. So tell me."

"No."

"Please?" Sirius whined, walking forward and wrapping his arms around her in a hug. Lily stepped away quickly.

"Wow. That's an annoying tone of voice," Lily snapped. "Listen to me, Sirius Black. I don't talk about this with anyone, let alone with a stranger-"

"A secret best friend forever," Sirius interrupted, slinging his arm around her and leading her toward the portrait.

"Wait. Really. We aren't ever mentioning this in the common room."

"Of course not," Sirius said, agreeing adamantly. "I bet you yelled at him because you thought he was being a jerk."

"No," Lily said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "I yelled at James because, like I said before, Snape's my lover and I couldn't stand to see him hurt."

"Yet you chose James as your partner in Transfiguration today."

"Duh. It was between him and Snape. I hate Snape. A lot," Lily replied. Then stopped. "Wait. How do you remember that?"

"James is my best friend. I know everything about him, including who he partners with," Sirius replied, waving a hand.

"Really?" Lily asked as Sirius said the password to the portrait. "Then where is he at this moment?"

"That's easy: in our dorms sulking because he's already cursed everything all over the room and yelled himself hoarse, being calmed by Samantha and Tracy."

"Did they have a fight?" Lily asked. Sirius laughed. Hard. "What?"

"Nothing. This is just- you have no idea. This made my night. My day. My month. Maybe my year. This is perfect. You having a crush on-"

Lily leapt forward and covered his mouth with her hands, leaning in very close and saying, "Not in the common room. Not ever. Understand? You promised you wouldn't tell him."

She let her hands move so he could answer. "Oh. I won't tell him. Or mention him. We'll call him Sputnik."

"Sputnik?" Lily repeated. "Could you be any more random?"

"So why'd you yell at Sputnik?"

Figuring answering him would be the fastest escape and that he already knew the worst parts, Lily told him, "I liked him a lot and he just made a fool out of me. He was a jerk to everyone, respected no one, and in general made me feel stupid for having my crush."

"You know, that's exactly what she said you'd say. Not about the crush part, but about the reason for yelling and hating - or seeming to hate - James."

"She who?" Lily asked.

"She the voice in my head that councils me on matters of interest."

"You're a fast liar," Lily praised.

"As are you, I'm learning. Tackling people."

"Why would I be a matter of interest to you?"

"Oh, you know, I have to look out for my friends."

"We're not friends."

"I wasn't referring to you. My friend that's interested in you. I used to think he was crazy. Laughed. But you. Oh, you'll do," Sirius said, nodding at her.

"Glad to know I pass your inspection."

"Always. You're my secret best friend," Sirius said.

"Forever," Lily finished.

"So you acknowledge how close we are at last!" Sirius proclaimed. Lily shook her head and threw him a dirty look.

"Why's your friend interested in me?" Lily asked, needing to receive some sort of closure after this conversation.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what's it about me that interests him? Does he need to get out of some detentions or something?" Lily asked, but Sirius didn't respond. He grinned, shook his head and turned toward his dorm, chuckling under his breath every now and again.

Oh, Lily felt like an idiot. She had just trusted her most private secret to the best friend of her crush. She'd just trusted a stranger with information she hadn't offered to Tracy or Christine. But then again, wasn't that exactly what she'd done with Gertrude-- trusted her immediately too? And, for that matter, hadn't she done the same thing with Kevin, Timothy, Sam, and Christian?