Prelude to Destiny

Chapter 14

Could It Get Any Worse?

Waking up Monday morning was one of the most difficult experiences of Lily's life. She even thought about taking Professor McGonagall's "free skip," but ended up deciding that doing so would just draw more attention to herself. So she sat up in her bed and looked blearily around the room, hating her friends for being able to sleep because they had no morning class on Monday.

She took what might have been the longest shower of her life, brushed her teeth, changed, and then left her dormitory for breakfast.

"Lily!" called a voice as soon as Lily entered the common room. She cast her eyes around the room and spotted Remus walking up to her. If he so much as breathed incorrectly, even her half-awake mind realized he would be facing her wrath.

"Hello, Remus," Lily murmured, choosing not to stop and wait for him. If he wanted to talk he could follow her down to breakfast.

"We need to talk about the prefect meeting last night," he continued as she pushed open the portrait.

"Why?" Lily asked, turning left down the corridor.

"Because- um-" He couldn't even complete a whole sentence without stumbling over his words. Didn't Matt think he was a werewolf or some nonsense like that?

"Because why?" Lily prompted, sliding aside a panel in the wall that led to her favourite secret passage way: the one that went straight to the kitchens.

"What're you doing?" he asked, staring at her walk into the space in the wall.

"Using this passage?" Lily replied, still walking. He had to scramble through quickly in order to keep up with her.

"How did you learn about this?" Remus asked, changing his own subject.

"I don't even remember," Lily replied, shrugging as the torches lit themselves as they moved through the passage. "I think Christine and I found it second year or something. It was a long time ago."

"Second year?"

"Yes." Lily stifled a yawn as she reached the steep, spiralling staircase that led to the kitchen's back entrance. "I'm sorry. Why did we need to talk?"

"Oh, right." Remus was too busy looking at the stairs and the portraits to pay any attention. It was as if he'd never been in this passage before. But that wasn't possible. It opened only one corridor away from Gryffindor tower. Didn't everyone know about it?

"Something about the meeting I missed," Lily prompted. "When did you get back, by the way?"

"Yesterday afternoon." Then Lily must not have seen him in the Hospital Wing. Well, that was a relief. At least he wouldn't be asking her any uncomfortable questions.

"What kept you?"

"Family business. How long is this staircase?"

"Not much longer," Lily replied, too tired to press for details about anything. Lily had lain in bed for hours without rest, running over the various conversations she'd had at the Ministry and after, she held no great desire to consume more information.

"And this goes to the Great Hall?" Remus asked after a moment.

"No," Lily replied. "It goes to the back entrance of the kitchens."

"Really?" Maybe he had never found this passage. How strange. Didn't everyone search the castle? Maybe he and his friends just didn't go in for that sort of thing. But then, hadn't she found them in that room after hours last year, during the Game?

"Do you not like to use secret passages?" Lily asked.

"Oh. Um." That was much more like the Remus she knew and patrolled with: inarticulate, awkward, and unable to answer simple questions. Okay. Maybe the sleep deprivation made her a little harsh, but honestly, she'd never seen him speak so avidly as he had during this short dialogue.

"Prefect meeting," Lily reminded him as they reached the bottom of the stairs and a black wall.

"Right. Well, the Hufflepuff sixth years and the Slytherin fifth years were both caught by Filch snogging during their patrols."

"What?" Lily asked, stuck with disbelief.

"They were caught on different days-"

"I wasn't disturbed by the logistics of it. I was disturbed by the imagery. Can you imagine Jenna kissing anyone?" Lily shuddered at the idea. Then she smiled. "She must be so angry at being caught. She'll think it'll compromise her chances at head girl."

"It could," Remus put in.

"Who cares?" Lily retorted. Then she turned to the wall and drew a happy face on it with her wand. The wall disappeared in front of them and Lily walked forward. Unfortunately, Remus did not. She had to go back, grab his hand, and pull him forward.

"What was that you just did?"

"I opened the door," Lily replied, deciding to be childish and not tell him how to do it.

The house-elves made short work of breakfast, bringing Lily a bagel with jam and Remus a bowl of oatmeal. They eyed each other shortly, realizing that the other person must come very often to the kitchens if the house-elves knew what to bring them without asking.

"So, that's why you followed me down here, to gossip about the other prefects?" Lily asked, taking a bite out of her bagel as she walked toward the front exit. It was closer to her Arithmancy classroom.

"No," Remus said, holding his oatmeal bowl in one hand and his spoon with the other. "I came to tell you that those pairs were banned from patrolling, so everyone else has to take two additional patrols, and some have to take three more a month since the extra patrols are split between only the remaining sixth years." Lily stopped eating and turned to look at Remus Lupin.

"If you tell me that you signed us up for three more shifts a month, I will kill you," Lily said clearly. His sheepish and apprehensive look was enough of a response. Lily turned and marched out of the portrait.

"It's only five nights a month since we had fewer than other pairs already," he continued, following her.

"Five nights a month!" Lily yelled, still walking toward her class. "Are you joking? Are you even there during our patrols? Not only are they useless, they're boring! Horribly, horribly boring! We don't even talk. And you signed me up for three more nights of that? I just- I can't even fathom your reasoning."

"Well-" He tried to interrupt, but Lily wouldn't let him.

"If anything, we should snog and get caught. Then we wouldn't have to deal with patrolling!"

Colour jumped onto Remus' face and his eyes darted over Lily's shoulder a moment later. She turned to follow his gaze and found herself looking at James Potter, who was just staring at them, about to go into the Arithmancy classroom.

"And now," Lily muttered, "my morning is truly complete; I've made a stupid statement in front of James Potter."

"Hey, Remus," James said.

"We'll talk tomorrow, Remus," Lily said, turning to go into her classroom.

"Actually, we have a patrol tonight."

"Joy," Lily said with false enthusiasm, walking into her class and slamming her bag down on the desk she normally shared with Kevin Creggie, the Ravenclaw prefect. He looked at her with wide eyes.

"You look happy," he said sarcastically.

"I don't need to hear it right now," Lily said, sitting and taking a large bite of her bagel. "What the hell happened at that meeting last night? Hormones gone awry?"

"Something like that. Jenna's furious."

"I'm furious," Lily countered, pointing to herself with her bagel. "I'm the one who has to take three extra patrolling shifts to pick up her slack."

"We all have to take at least two."

"And I have to take three."

"What's so wrong with that? Your partner seems like a good enough bloke. Remus, right? One of that group of Gryffindors that charmed the Great Hall ceiling to make real rain last year."

"Yes, it's Remus," Lily answered. "And the problem isn't that he's a bad person. The problem is that he is silent. He never speaks."

"We should switch. I'd like some peace and quiet. Jodie's a nutcase on patrol. She disillusions herself and ducks behind statues like she's an Auror, then tackles passing students. I try to warn them, but some don't catch on fast enough. First years are terrified of her. Hell, I'm terrified of her."

"All right class, let's begin," the professor began. Lily and Kevin stopped their conversation and turned toward the front, but Lily couldn't stop thinking about it. It's true; Remus wasn't a horrible partner. In fact, this morning he'd been rather talkative. Maybe she just needed to say something to interest him.

"Today we'll be working with the variations of the annual calendar and discussing the importance of Mayan dating," the professor continued, pointing to the board, where a picture of some old stone ruins appeared. "The Mayans created one of only four original written languages, and had the concept of zero. Does anyone remember anything else interesting about the Mayans?"

They were amazing astronomers. They could predict eclipses and created Chichen Itza, an observatory that was made so perfectly that when the sun sets on the Summer Solstice, the shadow looks like a snake crawling down the side of it, Lily remembered, but did not raise her hand. She would have answered readily enough if called on, but Lily didn't want to be that kid: that handing-raising kid who was so impressed with themselves that they had to demonstrate to others how great they were. She left that position open to people like James Potter. Actually, why was the professor still asking for volunteers? Shouldn't James have raised his hand by this point and enlightened the class with his wealth of knowledge?

Lily craned her head around and found James Potter looking back at her. Geez! She spun back around to face forward, hating her heart for speeding up and her cheeks for flushing. Traitors.

And Lily hated it that she wanted to know why he wasn't raising his hand. She hated that she actually (in that place in her mind that she wanted to cut out and throw away) found James's intelligence attractive. So then why wasn't he answering the question? Why, instead, was he staring at her with such intensity that she could feel it on her neck and she blushed even more?

Slowly she raised her hand.

"Miss Evans, do you have an interesting fact?" the professor asked, relief evident in his voice.

"The Mayans were talented astronomers," Lily began, and then she explained the history that she learned from Professor Sinistra: about their technological advances and calendars that ran in cycles. Lily finished, "Actually, they predicted the end of the world to take place December 24^th, 2012."

"Very good, Miss Evans, and very accurate. Because of their ability with astronomy, they created a calendar that varies only slight from modern ones."

As the class dragged on, Lily kept stealing glances at James and kept hating herself for feeling disappointed when she found his intense stare not directed at her. What was wrong with her? Hadn't she promised herself that she would stop- oh toss it! She wasn't mad at him. She'd forgiven him long before she meant to. It was hard to see the grief of the Prewetts and still believe that anything, when compared with the actions of Voldemort, could be worthy of real anger.

Anyway, she still liked James. Stupid prat that he was. She was still infatuated, and it irked her that she had loved walking back to the common room in silence beside him. In fact, the conversation she'd had with him (even if it had been very, very brief) probably marked the longest, most decent conversation that they'd ever had. She decided to quit beating herself up about her crush and just to revel in it. Thus she returned to daydreaming about him in order to distract herself from thoughts of the inquisition or the people she'd run into there.

~*~*~

"So, I hear you verbally assaulted Remus Lupin this morning," Sam said the moment Lily left the Arithmancy classroom.

"Sort of. Just kind of blew up at the poor bloke. Ought to apologize," Lily replied, too used to Sam picking her up from class to be disturbed by starting a conversation so quickly.

"Did he ask you about the your Ministry trip?" Sam asked as the two began walking toward Potions.

"No," Lily said. James Potter pushed past the girls then and Lily let herself stare at his retreating back, enjoying admitting that she liked him even as she hated herself for being so weak.

"I guess you're back to obsessing again?" Sam asked, catching Lily's stare.

"It's not like I want to. I just can't help it," Lily replied, shrugging and nodded subtly toward him. "Look at him. How can you not like him?"

"With relative ease, actually," Sam replied.

"Thanks for the support," said Lily.

"Sickle if you kiss him right now," Sam offered.

"Sickle if you fall off the North Tower," Lily countered.

"Grouchy much?"

"No. I'm just revelling in being honest with myself again."

"Anyway, why did you attack Remus?"

"Oh. That. He signed us up for three more patrol nights a month."

"Ew. Why?"

"Because those idiot prefects in Slytherin and Hufflepuff couldn't keep their hands off one another for four bloody hours and got their patrols taken away."

"Ha!"

"No. Not funny. It means more silent, boring, long nights walking up and down the corridors as I ruin other people's fun. You know what I have become? I've become the person we run from during the Game," Lily moaned.

"Tracy would freak out if she heard you talking about that in a corridor," Sam said, turning left.

"Tracy doesn't freak out about anything."

"Which Tracy are you talking about?"

"Tracy, the beater who is one of the most relaxed people that I've ever met," Lily replied.

"No. I don't know a Tracy like that. Maybe you're thinking of someone by another name that you have confused with Tracy McGrath," Sam said, and Lily wasn't sure if she was kidding or not.

"Maybe," Lily said, shrugging because she did not want to disagree with Sam right now.

"Anyway, how did the Ministry thing go?"

"You know that twenty feet of parchment you gave me?" Sam nodded as the two reached the door to the Potions room. "It's full."

"What? How? Didn't you leave that here when you left?" Sam asked, opening the door. Lily nodded and ducked under her friend's arm to enter the classroom.

"And I stayed up all last night writing on it. Now it's full."

"I'm guessing your weekend was eventful then?" Sam asked, following her into the room.

"Like you wouldn't believe." The two sat together at the table in the middle left of the room.

"What happened?"

"I'll tell you later, but it involves running into Christian, Ian, Cordelia Crouch, a mole covered German, and Gertrude Wrightman," Lily said, seeing Professor O'Malley enter at that moment. She knew they would be able to speak of nothing but their assignment for the duration of the class.

"Cauldrons out."

~*~*~

Tracy did not sit by Lily at lunch. In fact, she sat almost twenty seats away, speaking with James Potter in hushed tones as Lily munched away on bits of apple and pretended not to care.

"And then Gertrude left?" Sam asked.

"Yep." Lily felt a vague sense of guilt wash over her as she lied to her best friend, but Lily had definitely edited her trip to the Ministry in her retelling. She had mentioned nothing of the mole-woman who spoke about Sirius Black or of Cordelia Crouch talking about a Wizard's Debt. She also left out the bit about Gertrude and her walking together and the challenge that the other sixteen year old had given her. Oh. And she had omitted the Prewetts. Sam wasn't ready.

"So do you know what Ian was talking about? How did he know about James?" Lily asked, deciding to focus on what was probably the most self-involved aspect of the previous day: Ian teasing Lily about James.

"About you obsessing over the boy?" Sam asked, lowering her voice. James was always referred to as 'the boy' when they were where someone might overhear them.

"Exactly." Lily dragged her eyes away from the sight of James and Tracy at the end of the table and looked at Sam.

"He doesn't know about that," Sam said, eating a spoonful of soup.

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I haven't said anything to anyone. You definitely haven't said anything to anyone. No one else knows." Now, if Lily were the sceptical type she would think that Sam was lying to her. She would suspect that her friend slipped up one time and was trying desperately to cover her own tracks. Then Lily would probably leap across the table and pour that bowl of soup over Sam's head. Fortunately for both girls (and their sanity) Lily was not the suspicious type.

"He mentioned Tracy."

"I haven't told a soul," Sam said, and it bothered Lily that she believed Sam so implicitly because that led to all sorts of uncomfortable questions.

"So what was Ian talking about? What did Tracy say to him?"

"I couldn't tell you for certain." Sam put her spoon down and crossed her hands on her lap.

"You know something," Lily accused.

"No. I suspect something."

"Suspect with me."

"Can't."

"Why not?" Lily whined.

"Girl Rules."

"Arg!" Lily exclaimed, causing a few people to look over. "Why did it have to be Girl Rules? Anything else could be countered, but those damnable Girl Rules can't be broken."

"I'm glad you acknowledge the situation I'm in," Sam said.

"Shut it," Lily snapped. "That just means that Tracy- well, actually, I have no idea what that means, except that I can't pry the information out of you." Lily stood quickly, leaving her half-eaten apple.

"Where are you going?" asked Sam.

"I'm going to Hogsmeade, want to come?"

"And skiv off class?"

"Why not?"

"Can't do it. Sorry," Sam said. "I don't skiv off. You know that."

"And I've told you since second year that you are seriously hampering our friendship by refusing to bond with me through breaking rules."

"I race around this castle in the middle of night, just like the rest of you. Let that be enough."

"Fine, boring bunny. I have other friends, you know."

"No, you don't," Sam said, smirking. Lily made a face at her and then walked down the table and tapped Tracy on the shoulder, causing her to cut off her conversation with James abruptly and face Lily.

"Come to Hogsmeade with me," Lily commanded. She tried to ignore the obvious shock in James Potter when he heard her words.

"Sorry, Lily. I can't."

"You have to," Lily countered. "Christine is missing - I think she's somewhere snogging some Ravenclaw - and Sam refuses to blow off class. You're my last chance."

"I can't and neither can you."

"I can and I really want to," Lily said. "I want to go dance and sing and build snowmen and just generally be those obnoxious teenagers that the villagers hate."

"We have a Transfiguration exam."

"What? Why?" Lily moaned, sinking down to the floor cross-legged and slapping her knees.

"Because Professor McGonagall hates us," Tracy said, smiling.

"Fine," Lily consented, slumping and resting her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. Then her eyes brightened and she focused on Tracy. "But later you are going to have to answer one or two questions I have for you."

"About what?" Tracy asked, curious. Lily narrowed her eyes, watching for admissions of guilt, admission that she had indeed spoken with Ian about Lily and James, though Lily couldn't guess what she might have said.

"About Ian," Lily replied, feeling rebellious mentioning this in front of James himself.

"What about Ian?" Tracy replied. If Lily hadn't seen the way her friend paled two shades, she might have believed her innocent tone.

"Oh. I think you know," Lily replied, still watching for signs of guilt. "I ran into him yesterday and he mentioned a comment you made."

"Did he visit?" James asked. Lily resisted the urge to look at him as she started to see Tracy's shifting in her seat.

"Not exactly," Tracy replied.

"Well, where did she run into him?"

"The Ministry," Lily replied, kind of enjoying making Tracy so obviously uncomfortable. "I was summoned for an Inquisition and so was he."

"Wasn't Sunday the day of the Ball Inqui-" James stopped himself and this time Lily did look over and literally saw him putting the pieces together in his mind.

"There was only the one inquisition?" Lily asked.

"I didn't know," he muttered, and Lily was surprised. Didn't the whole school know? Lily wanted to mentally slap herself. How arrogant could she have been to assume that everyone knew. Friday she had hoped that no one knew.

"You had other things to worry about," piped a voice across the table. Lily had to shift her position and rest on her knees in order to get a good look at a defiant-looking Peter Pettigrew. His tone suggested that he thought she ought to know what he was talking about.

"I didn't mean he ought to have known where I was. I was just asking," Lily lied, annoyed with Peter's tone. She barely knew the boy. In fact, this may have been their first conversation since first year, when Lily had spoken to everyone.

"Well, you were there at Tracy's party." Peter obviously hadn't put two and two together like James. "You ought to know that he-"

"Lily!" exclaimed Tracy, standing and interrupting Lily just as she was about to ask Peter what he'd meant. "I left my Transfiguration things in the dorm. Come get them with me." With that, she grabbed Lily's arm and pulled her away from the potentially interesting conversation she might have had with one Peter Pettigrew.

~*~*~

At the beginning of the Transfiguration class, Professor McGonagall took Lily into the corridor and told her that while the rest of the class was scheduled to have an exam, Lily was excused.

"It's all right, Professor. I'll take the exam now," Lily protested. She knew she wouldn't do very well, but she'd never heard of anyone taking an exam late in McGonagall's class. She didn't want to be the first.

"You will take it Wednesday during your free period in the afternoon," McGonagall commanded. Her tone left no room for negotiations, but Lily tried anyway.

"I don't want an unfair advantage."

"Advantage? Miss Evans, you were in the hospital and missed the lessons which this exam tests. You will meet with me today and tomorrow at four to learn the material covered. Then you will take the exam in two days time." With an impressive sweep of her robes, the Deputy Headmistress turned and marched back into her classroom.

"Argh!" Lily yelled, frustrated. She hadn't even wanted to come to class today, and now this was what she had to deal with? That was ridiculous. Stomping her feet in a decidedly childish fashion, Lily found herself heading toward the kitchens and an ice cream sundae.

"Lily!" called a voice behind her, causing her to whip around. Oddly enough, her hand sought out her wand on reflex. Trying to ignore the fear that had coursed through her for a moment, Lily smiled as she recognized Christine running up to her, two books in her arms, a bag slung precariously over one shoulder, and a huge grin on her face.

"Don't you have an exam to take, Christine?" Lily asked, pocketing the wand, ashamed of pointing it at a friend.

"I have a note from Pomfrey excusing me. Basically, I am awesome," Christine said, reaching Lily and shifting to get a better grip on her things.

"McGonagall doesn't let people make up her exams. You'll take a zero."

"I'll do really well on my practice N.E.W.T.s and she'll forgive me," Christine said. "I heard you wanted to go to Hogsmeade."

"Christine, I love you!" Lily yelled, jumping forward and embracing her friend. Christine laughed and hugged her back, though her books and bag ended up on the ground. Lily quickly scooped them up, shoved the books into the bag, and handed it back to Christine. She ignored the pain in her ribs. It was fainter anyway.

"Ready to go?" Christine asked.

"Don't you have to put your things away?"

"No. I'll leave them by the Great Hall," Christine said as she began heading in that direction. "We have to go pick up Matt."

"Matt?" Lily inquired. "Matt, as in Tracy's brother Matt?"

"Yes," Christine replied.

"The head boy?" Lily pressed, knowing that occasionally a person had to triple or quadruple check information with Christine in order to be sure that she understood it. Sometimes, she lived in her own little world.

"Yes, Lily. I know what I'm talking about," Christine replied.

"Okay." And so the pair walked down the stairs, Lily's giddy feeling of freedom adding an extra (sometimes painful) bounce to her step. Christine put her things down on the floor next to the Great Hall and Lily did the same, though she found a somewhat hidden chair. Soon they walked out into the cold, wrapping their winter cloaks tighter, as they marched toward the Care of Magical Creatures area.

"Christine, is he in class?" Lily whispered as they drew near a group of seventh years.

"Yeah," Christine replied in a tone that obviously suggested this shouldn't be a problem.

"You're going to ask him to cut class in front of the professor?"

"No. I'm going to lie."

"Oh. Well. Fine then," Lily muttered sarcastically. But secretly, Lily knew that it was fine. Lily could create lies well- knowing how to read people often helped her create believable lies- but in actual practice, her feelings of guilt normally gave her away, so unless she though lying was beneficial in some way, she avoided it. Christine, on the other hand, was an excellent liar. The fact that all of the professors (and students, really) heard he speak the truth all the time, heard her yell the truth across the Great Hall when it was neither appropriate nor appreciated, helped matters considerably.

So Lily walked on, smiling a tight smile as the students turned to look at the two sixth years approaching. In the group she saw many people she recognized: a few prefects (including an upset-looking Slytherin she remembered from the end of the year train ride party), not a few Gryffindors, and Professor Kettleburn whom she only vaguely recognized because of his missing right arm. Lily hung back around the fringe of the group as Christine walked through the group and to the professor. Matt waved to Lily and gave her a questioning looking, indicating Christine with his head. Lily shrugged and smirked, unable to hide her excitement about going to town.

"Matt McGrath," the professor summoned. The head boy glanced at Lily again, before talking to his professor and then jogging back to pick up his bags and things. Then Christine and he walked over to Lily. The three of them headed back up to the castle.

"What happened to her?" Matt asked.

"Who?" Lily asked.

"Tracy," Matt replied. Seeing Lily's blank look her turned to half-glare at Christine. In warning tones he began, "Stumpy."

"Yes, Matt?"

"You said I needed to go to the hospital wing in order to check on Tracy."

"True."

"She's not in the hospital wing, is she?"

"No," Christine replied, "but you didn't want to stay in class."

"I did, though. We were revising."

"It's cold," Christine said, as if that ought to have been enough reason for him to want to leave class without a valid reason. Lily snickered, still happy to be leaving campus.

"I know this wasn't your idea," Matt said, smiling a half-smile at Lily.

"Matt," Lily jokingly admonished, her voice full of shock, "I'm a prefect-"

"And top of every class," Christine added.

"Well, no, not that, but I am a prefect," Lily corrected and tried to continue.

"And top of some classes," Christine interrupted again.

"Nope. Not a single one," Lily inserted.

"Most classes," Christine said, turning to Matt. "Lily is the top student in our year."

"Is that true?" Matt asked, obviously not caring turn in the conversation.

"No," Lily replied. The three students entered the castle at that point, put Matt's bags atop Lily's, and headed up to the forth floor mirror that would move aside and let them travel to the town.

"Liar," Christine chirped.

"I'm not top student. Don't you think I would know if I were?"

"No. Wait." Christine looked confused. "You are the top student. I promise."

"I'm not."

"Then who is?"

"I don't know, but it's certainly not me," Lily replied. She looked at Matt and gave him a self-deprecating smile, "I failed out of Defence, that's what kind of a student I am."

"Wait. You did not fail out of it."

"Yes, I did," Lily replied, laughing. She had always been bad at Defence. Her friend knew from the game, didn't she?

"How'd you do on the practical part?" Christine asked.

"I received a 'D.'"

"Oh. Well. Maybe-" Christine drifted off, absentmindedly stepping over the 'sticking step.'

"How'd you do on the written part?" Matt asked.

"Oh. Um. You know." Lily shrugged, turning left to address him. She really hoped he wouldn't press. While she had no qualms sharing her horrible grades, sharing the good ones always bothered her. It felt too much like bragging, even when someone asked her directly.

"No. Wait. You are the top student in our year," Christine protested. "I promise. Tracy told me."

"Even if I were, which I'm not," Lily said as they reached the mirror and each made a horrible face at it, causing it to disappear, "I'm not going to be after the transfiguration exam."

Christine walked forward and Matt turned to Lily as they followed her, saying with a smile, "I think you received an O on the practical part, and nearly every other O.W.L. that you took."

"What?" Lily exclaimed, catching her foot on the bottom of the mirror and nearly falling to the ground. When she balanced herself again, she turned and looked at Matt.

"Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me."

"I'm not top student."

"Sure," Matt said, winking.

"No. Really-"

"Hurry up, you two!" called Christine from somewhere in front of them in the long, dark passage. The two quickened their paces.

"The one time those stupid badges could have come in handy, I left mine in my room," Lily complained.

"Lumos," Matt whispered, lighting his wand as the pair caught up with Christine.

"Well, sure. I could have done that, but I prefer not to cheat," Lily said primly.

"Cheat?" Matt repeated.

"That's right. You're a cheater, using magic to actually make things easier. Who does that?" Matt laughed.

"I want a butterbeer," Christine announced.

"I suppose you're looking at me for a reason?" Matt asked.

"Well, you're buying it for me," she explained.

"Of course," Matt replied, smiling. Lily watched them, walking together, and was struck by their similarities. Both blond, both tall, both with half smiles on their faces. Their actual features were distinctively different: Matt's dull blue eyes were very different than Christine's brown ones, and his smile was markedly smaller than hers, which seemed to take up her entire face. They'd known each other since Christine was nine, practically grown up together.

"Lily?" It occurred to her that they had been talking and she hadn't been listening.

"Sorry, what were you saying?"

"Some top student you are," muttered Christine. Before Lily could respond, Matt cut in.

"What do you think about James Potter?" Matt asked. Lily almost stopped walking, so surprised was she by the change in subject.

"Excuse me?"

"James Potter. What do you think about him?"

"I don't know. I don't know him very well. Why?"

"He and Tracy have been spending a lot of time together is all. Just wondering." How adorable. Matt was worried about his sister and the types of- wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Why was Matt worrying about James Potter and Tracy? Unless-

"Do you think they're dating?" Lily asked, shocked. Suddenly, all the times Lily had seen them together flashed across her mind's eye: common room, lunches, the party, Quidditch practices, all summer...

"I was just wondering," Matt replied, neither affirming nor denying her suspicions.

"They aren't dating," Christine announced. But with Matt's question on her mind, Lily was not inclined to believe Christine.

"Anyway, how many more patrols did you pick up?" Matt asked, mentioning the one and only thing that could have bothered Lily more than the idea that one of her best friends was dating James Potter.

"Three," complained Lily.

"Sorry about that. Diana insisted that the extra patrols all be covered by the sixth years, since the seventh and fifth years have important exams.

"I'm pretty sure I strongly dislike that girl," Lily said vehemently.

"Strongly dislike?" Matt repeated. "You don't hate her?"

"No. Hate is too strong a word. I don't think I-" Lily cut herself off. She used to tell people that she never hated anyone, but was that true anymore? Didn't she hate the men that had attacked the Ball? Didn't she hate Voldemort?

"You don't think what?" Christine asked. "Don't cut yourself off in the middle. That's annoying." But, further considering her feelings, Lily realized she did not even hate them.

"I don't think I hate anyone," Lily finished. No. She only felt terribly sad for those men and women who killed without conscience. She was angry and sad and hurting a lot, but she did not hate them. Hating them would make her like them, and she would never submit to becoming like them in any way.

"You okay, Lily?" Matt asked.

"Yeah. I'm fine," Lily replied, smiling as she pushed those dark thoughts away. She was going to town to forget those things, and she would, for that moment, because she knew it would not last long. Only too soon, even trips to Hogsmeade would no longer erase the dark memories.

And so the three teenagers headed into the magical city adjacent to Hogwarts castle and the day passed quickly. They built snowmen, snow angels, and a large snow fort. Matt bought Butterbeer. For those few hours, Lily forgot to try to stop worrying about the Inquisition, Matt forgot his duties as head boy, and Christine just plain forgot everything.

~*~*~

After returning from Hogsmeade, Lily had had to run to the entrance hall to pick up her bags in order to make her tutoring session with Professor McGonagall. Luckily, the woman was scolding a pair of first years when Lily arrived. As the two first years left the room, Lily caught the eye of one of the boys and recognized him as Will McGrath, Tracy and Matt's brother. The other boy, Lily saw, was Sam's brother Chad Caldwell. She smiled at the pair. Chad lowered his head in shame, but Will gave her a big smile and wave before they both ran off and Lily entered the class.

"Chad and Will causing trouble?" Lily asked, her good mood from her Hogsmeade escapade lingering.

"I never had that sort of trouble with their sisters," Professor McGonagall muttered.

"Be glad you'll never have to teach my sister," Lily quipped, setting her bag on a desk and summoning her transfiguration book out of it. Yes, using the spell caused a lot of excess parchment and books to tumble out, but it was faster than searching through with her hands.

"How old is your sister?"

"Twenty-two in April," Lily replied, shoving everything but the book back into the bag.

"I assume she's a Muggle," Professor McGonagall said.

"She's the most Muggle person you may ever meet," Lily replied, wondering why her things wouldn't fit back into her bag properly. She'd taken something out. Shouldn't it be easier then? "If there were a scale of Muggle-ness she would be a twelve out of ten."

"Interesting."

"Not really," Lily disagreed, shrinking her charms book and only then managing to put everything in her bag. She turned to find McGonagall looking worriedly at her bag. "Don't worry. I do it all the time." The professor gave a curt nod.

"Have you read chapter ten?"

~*~*~

Lily met Remus in the front hall just after she had finished her tutoring session with McGonagall. Seeing Remus standing in the shadows of the hall only served to remind Lily of the most boring task of all that lay in front of her: patrol. Hours and hours of patrol, but that was okay, Lily resolved, because she'd had a partially good day up until that point. Sure, lunch hadn't been great and Arithmancy had been a little painful, what with obsessing over James again, but the afternoon went well and the tutoring had been helpful. Maybe her day was on an upward trend.

"Hey, Remus," Lily greeted him.

"Hello," he replied, turning to head down a corridor.

"I'm sorry about the things I said this morning," Lily replied, following him down the hall. "I was tired and sleep deprived, and I had no right to yell at you."

"I understand." And while that didn't exactly alleviate the guilt she felt, Lily knew she had to accept his treatment. After all, she had been especially horrible to him for no apparent reason (though, by the end of this patrol, the reason was more apparent).

"I'm glad we're taking these patrols. Honestly. You're the best partner I could have. I spoke with Kevin and he was telling me about patrolling with Jodie. It's horrible. She tackles little children and things like that. You and I, though, we work well together. The badges keep us from being really effectual, but we try. And you care and everything. In fact, you ought to put your name in for head boy, because I think you'd do good leading those meetings and things. And I'll just shut up now."

Despite Lily's babbling, the pair still lost all words and dialogues. What happened to the boy who had walked with her that morning? Oh, and hadn't Matt thought Remus was a werewolf? That could have been interesting.

~*~*~

The patrol ended quickly enough, though it was a silent affair. The next day, Lily went through a similar routine, including the tutorials. The transfiguration professor in class was intensely competent as a teacher. One on one, McGonagall proved herself to be intensely powerful. Watching the ease with which she both transfigured live animals and conveyed the lesson to Lily made the younger girl feel overwhelmed.

Actually, a lot made Lily feel overwhelmed. Her rib injury, which she still had to see Pomfrey about once a day, made climbing stairs more of a challenge than it had ever been before. At meals, people still tended to look at her whenever she entered or exited, though Lily knew she was just the most recent attraction in the ever-running rumour mill. It helped her to remember that there were still people like James Potter, who did not know about the Crystal Ball.

Still, she walked into the library on Wednesday with all the energy of her Monday Hogsmeade trip gone.

Lily threw her bag of supplies on the ground next her table, slouched into her chair, and rested her head on her arms on the table. Maybe, just this once, she could forget studying and simply fall asleep. Just fall and fall and fall.

"Hello, Lily," greeted the voice of James Potter, the voice Lily definitely did not want to hear, the voice that could keep her awake without effort.

"Hello, James," she mumbled resigned to his constant presence on Wednesdays. In truth, she was happy to hear his voice, to have him slide the chair out next to her, to just generally be near him, but she didn't have to let him know that. She could obsess over him in silence until the feeling passed. And it would pass. Eventually.

Sure, it hadn't passed after nearly a year or dulled even while Lily had dated another boy, but that was no reason to give up hope, was it?

The night might have passed away in silence if Lily hadn't found herself unable to sleep and unwilling to accept another silent night with a member of her year. If Remus didn't want to talk, fine. He was forced to be with her, but James came into the library and intruded upon her time. The least he could do was entertain her, right?

Lily turned her head in her arms, considering the anomaly that was James Potter. She looked him over - really looked him over for the first time since coming back - and the sight frightened her. He had deep bags under his eyes, looked thinner than normal, and his eyes still held that guilt-filled look she understood only too well, though she could not imagine the cause of it. Was this what he had looked like two nights ago, when the dark of the night obscured her view? Was this what she had seen at lunch and in classes over the past week? How had she missed this horrific sight?

"Are you all right, James?" Lily asked, concern bringing the words to her mouth before sense could stop them. She was supposed to be mad at him about last Friday, when he'd left her collapsed in a hallway, but he looked even worse now than he had at that point.

"What?" he asked. She hesitated, then repeated her question.

"Yes. I'm fine. Fine."

"Oh. You sure?" Lily asked, and then he focused his eyes on her and Lily froze. Those eyes were heart-stopping.

"I just- no, never mind."

"Is it about Sirius?" Since the Inquisition, specifically since the strange words of the orange-eyed German, Lily could not help but keep wondering about Sirius Black.

"What? No. Why would you think that?" James shot back. His defensive attitude told more than he wanted.

"When I found you on the first floor on Sunday, he looked- I don't know. Sad." Lily didn't know why she mentioned that moment now. She hadn't mentioned it to anyone else, but mentioning it to James Potter made the most sense. They were best friends. "Just take care of him, all right?'

"I'm trying." And once more James's eyes unfocused. "He just doesn't seem to want my help."

"Sometimes, people need help the most when they refuse to accept it," Lily said, unsure what personal experience she had in this area, only knowing with a certainty that it was true. With a final look at James, Lily grabbed her bag off the ground and hauled it onto the desk in front of her.

"So," James began. There was a long pause. "You were at the Ball?" Processing his question, trying not to like the fact that he cared, Lily searched through her bag.

"Yep," Lily replied. In her bag, Lily found jumbles of parchment and ink, a couple blouses, and a shoe, but no Astronomy notes.

"And you were called to the Inquisition on Sunday," James said, pressing a conversation that Lily didn't want. She picked a spider out of her bag and placed it on the table. She couldn't find anything in this bag.

"Yes, and what a load of fun that was." She leaned back and reached into the pockets of her robes, finding a square foot of parchment that she placed on the table. Now she needed a quill. She reached over and snatched James's quill right out of his hand, dipping it in the ink in front of him.

"Did you see- did you know- do you know what happened there?" James asked. Lily scribbled onto her parchment: Sam. Where's my astronomy stuff? Lily. The ink disappeared a moment later.

"Yes. A Ministry Ball was attacked by Voldemort," Lily replied, staring at the parchment for a moment, hoping Sam had heard the ding that accompanied the incoming message.

"Everyone knows that," James said dismissively, almost impatiently. "Do you know what happened?"

"Happened?" Lily repeated, looking up. His emphasis on the word sent shivers down her spine, bad shivers, shivers that reminded her of the flash of lights hurtling at her shield.

"Yes. Do you know what really happened?" James inquired, a look of mingled hope and fear crossing his tired face. Lily thought about the tons of things she knew happened there: curses and hexes, few guests, suspicions flying left and right, deaths. But what did James know of those things? What did he want to know about those things?

"I left almost immediately after the Death Eaters arrived," Lily said, looking down at the parchment.

"Is that why-" He cut himself off. He had obviously thought about what he was about to say as he said it, stopping himself because it wasn't appropriate. That must have been a first in James Potter's life. Now he only had to learn how to think before speaking and not excite the curiosity of the listener.

"Is that why what, James?" Lily asked, leaning back in her seat and crossing her arms over her chest.

"Is that why you were in the hospital on Friday?" he asked. She leaned forward, rubbed her hands over her eyes, then opened them and focused on James. How did he know about that? Never mind. Easy answer: Remus. He had been back at school.

"Yes," she said shortly, not willing to explain anything more about her injuries.

"And is that why you were breathing so hard after you chased me that night?"

"No," Lily replied sarcastically, "that was just because I'm out shape."

"Tracy told me yesterday that you were in the hospital wing on Saturday," James said. Did she mention that I almost a week at St. Mungo's, too? Lilly silently asked.

"She gave me some of your modified frogs," Lily said aloud. "Christine had a time chasing them all over that room. Pomfrey's not a fan."

James cracked a half-smile. It faded quickly from his face and his hand travelled up to his hair, pausing just before it reach its destination and fell back to the table like a failed levitation charm. Then he looked her in the eye and said, "I'm sorry I just left you there. "

"You're what?" Lily exclaimed, pushing her seat away from the table.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, looking very uncomfortable as he dropped his gaze.

"No. No, you're not." Lily couldn't handle this right at this moment. Who did James think he was, apologizing? James Potter never apologized. Never. What was this? Oh. He was just playing another prank, trying to lull Lily into a false sense of security.

"Yes, I am," he said, sounding both sincere and like he desperately did not want to be explaining this. "A lot happened over the break. Sirius was mad and so we played a prank. Only, Sirius took it too far and it wasn't really a prank anymore, which I realized a bit late. And when you found me, I was trying to fix everything and I didn't even know that you were hurt."

"I just don't understand," Lily said, shaken and angry that his words were effecting her so much. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Well-" He looked lost. Absolutely lost. It was as if even he did not know why he would bother with this apology. "Shouldn't I be apologizing?"

"Why would you?" Lilt asked. His blank look answered her question.

But then she started thinking about it. Why would he be apologizing unless someone told him to? And why would someone have told him-

He knew. Oh gosh. He knew.

He wouldn't be apologizing if he didn't know how she felt about him. Suddenly the pleasant feeling of liking him, which she'd enjoyed for a couple of days now, disappeared. Ran away.

Tracy told Ian. That meant she figured it out and could have told James. Of course she told James. They were friends and she probably didn't see the harm in telling him. Oh frick. What if, like Matt had said, James and Tracy were actually more than friends? Lily had never believed that before, but it made sense. It made a lot of sickening sense. What if they were dating and Tracy had convinced James to let Lily down easily?

Lily felt an overwhelming amount of shame at the thought. Closing her eyes, she tried to breathe normally. This couldn't be happening. And yet it was. James knew. He was apologizing and he never apologized. He had to know, and he was just trying to be nice to her, the sad little girl with a big crush. He knew and it made her ill. He was just being nice for Tracy and here Lily was, enjoying his company. Oh frick!

A quiet ding sounded. Lily blinked and looked down at her parchment where it said: Lily. Your notes are in your Herbology book and your book is in the dorm. Sam. What was she even talking about? Oh. That's right. The astronomy notes. Who cared about astronomy notes?

"James," Lily began, still looking at the parchment.

"Yes?"

"Stop it."

"Stop what?" he asked, sounding genuinely confused.

"Stop this. Stop sitting here every Wednesday. Stop pretending. I know you don't care. I know about you and Tracy." She looked up and the shock on his face confirmed everything she'd hypothesized. Every last bit of it. Oh frick.

"Who told you?" James asked.

"Ian hinted at it and Matt guessed. I put it together myself," Lily said, shaking her head and feeling like a fool.

"I didn't want you to find out," James said, shame evident in his voice. "I'm sorry."

"Stop it," Lily said, closing her books and putting them away with shaking hands. How could this be happening? "You don't need to sit here and make nice with me. You hurt me last year, but I'm sure that I hurt you too. So we're even. You don't have to apologize to me anymore."

"Lily-"

"No," Lily interrupted, finishing packing up here things. "I don't need your company. I don't need your apologies. I don't need you to make me feel better about my feelings. I know you know, but don't let it bother you anymore. Forget how I feel and I'll do the same." I'll forget you.

Lily picked up her bag and turned to leave the library with silent tears lying unshed in her eyes. Even as sadness and shame overran her, Lily felt guilt in the back of her mind. Why was she so upset by this? The Prewetts had died. She had nothing to complain about. Nothing. So she pushed those tears back and refused to let them fall. She pushed her ego and heart away, ignoring their bruises. She had nothing to complain about.

If a year ago, someone had told Lily that James Potter would discover her secret crush, she would have demanded to know how. She would have yelled a bit and then she would have promptly ignored James and that friend.

If someone had told James a year ago that Lily Evans would learn about his feelings (as he now believed she had) and look like she wanted to cry, he would have laughed and thought it impossible. Sure she didn't like him yet, he would have thought, but she would some day.

But instead of that yelling girl and that laughing boy, Lily Evans and James Potter were two broken halves of a heart that had yet to be put together. She walked and he sat with dark circles under eyes, shaking hands, and fatigue settling on shoulders and showing itself in slow movements. But more importantly, the difference between their fifth year selves and their sixth year personalities was that neither was thinking of themselves in that moment.