Harmless and Easily Domesticated

— INTERLUDE —

The Redneck Wizard

It was over a week before Harry's face returned to normal. The de-pustuled Clabbert took up residence in the oak behind Hagrid's hut. The class spent their next few lessons preparing a variety of slimy, squelchy and foul-smelling things for it to eat, following a special pus-building diet Hagrid had drawn up. Harry was never able to feed these unappetising dishes to the Clabbert himself as it retreated to the topmost branches of the tree whenever he approached.

Hagrid was still having no luck finding a Bowtruckle which, in Harry's opinion, was just as well. After his experience of the Clabbert he thought it entirely possible someone actually would have their eyes gouged out. Nonetheless when Harry, Ron and Hermione went to visit Hagrid Sunday after lunch he was looking so depressed that when he asked them to help with his search they couldn't bring themselves to refuse.

'If I don' find a Bowtruckle today it'll be Diricawls next lesson, an' they're really borin',' Hagrid told them gloomily.

'Can we study Nifflers again instead?' said Ron.

'You might want to try reading Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, instead of just scribbling in Harry's copy,' said Hermione waspishly. 'Nifflers are rated XXX. Hagrid would get in trouble with the Ministry if he brought one to class.'

Harry couldn't help thinking that it was most unfair (and typical of the Ministry of Magic) that Augureys and Clabberts were classified harmless whilst friendly, useful Nifflers were not. But as the Ministry was unlikely to change their rankings overnight on his say-so, off he set with Ron, Hermione and Hagrid to hunt for Bowtruckles.

Going into the Forbidden Forest wasn't what you could call a lark at the best of times and the damp, chilly October weather did nothing to make this endeavour a more pleasant one. All the Bowtruckles seemed to be sensibly staying in their nests. Three hours later their search was brought to an ignominious conclusion when Ron blundered into an abandoned Acromantula web and nearly had heart failure.

When they got back to Hagrid's cabin Hagrid and Ron remained outside to try and get the webs off Ron's robes whilst Harry and Hermione went in to make hot chocolate. Harry filled the kettle with water and carried it to the fire. The crate the Clabbert had arrived in stood by the hearth; apparently Hagrid was using the packing materials for kindling. As Harry waited for the kettle to boil he spotted a piece of parchment that had fallen out. He picked it up and flicked his eyes over it.

'Hermione?' said Harry. 'What's a redneck wizard?'

'A what wizard?' said Hermione, who was ferreting for cocoa in Hagrid's cupboard.

'A redneck wizard,' said Harry. 'Red. Neck. There was a parchment about them in the Clabbert's crate.'

'Oh, a redneck,' said Hermione. 'A redneck is someone who lives in the American South. It's a bit of an insult, really -- an offensive stereotype. Rather like --' she threw a quick look around to make sure Hagrid was nowhere nearby, '-- people in Britain with West Country accents.'

'Ah,' said Harry.

He checked the kettle. It still wasn't boiling. For lack of anything better to do he began reading about redneck wizards. Most of it didn't make much sense:

You Might Be a Redneck Wizard If:

• You have ever heard the phrase, "Don't let the Muggles get y'all down."
• Your robe is a camouflage color.
• You have ever used your wand to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. [1]
• At least one door of your enchanted Ford Anglia is primer colored. [2]
• You have ever used magic in conjunction with fishing/bowling. [3]
• Voldemort has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the Dark side ... it'll be a hoot."

Harry was surprised to see Voldemort's name written out; even in print most wizards referred to him as You-Know-Who. Perhaps in America they were more relaxed about saying the name. He went on reading:

• You have Bicorn horns on the front of your Firebolt.
• You can easily describe the taste of a Puffskein.
• You have ever had a flying carpet up on blocks in your yard.
• You ever lost an eye during a wizard duel because you had to spit.
• The worst part of going into the Forbidden Forest is the dadgum skeeters.
• You think Hagrid would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a big sissy in that moleskin waistcoat.
• In your opinion, that Snape feller just "ain't right."

Harry's mouth fell open. 'Hermione!' he said loudly. 'This parchment from America has stuff about Hagrid and Snape on it! Come have a look!'

'Hang on, I'm washing the milk jug,' said Hermione.

Harry stared back down at the parchment:

• Trolls are offended by your body odor.
• You have ever used magic to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
• You have ever used sparks from your wand to get the barbecue grill to light.
• Your flying carpet is woven in the pattern of a confederate flag.
• You have the doors of your enchanted Ford Anglia welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
• You ever fantasized about Cho Chang wearing Daisy Duke shorts. [4]

Harry felt himself blush to the roots of his hair. Unfortunately Hermione chose exactly that moment to walk over and pluck the parchment out of his hand. Face burning, he tried frantically to think of a way to distract her before she reached the part about Cho, but once Hermione started reading, there was very little that could make her stop.

'Oh!' squeaked Hermione. Her cheeks went bright crimson. 'I -- I know why this parchment mentions Hagrid and Snape and -- and other people,' she said rather rapidly. 'It's got a Personalisation Charm on it. See -- when I'm holding it, it says "redneck witch" instead of "redneck wizard".'

Harry noticed she kept the item that described fantasising about -- well, presumably not Cho -- carefully covered with her thumb.

'Let's have it back, then,' he said, tugging the parchment away from her.

'You ever fantasized about Cho Chang' now read 'You ever fantasized about Ron Weasley'. As Hermione's fingers left the parchment, the letters rearranged themselves. For a horrible instant, the words became 'You ever fantasized about that Snape feller', then mercifully returned to Cho.

Harry finished reading the list:

• Although you had to destroy his diary, you kinda thought that Tom Riddle had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
• You have ever accidentally referred to the Slytherins as "them damn Yankees."
• You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Fluffy.
• You suggested that they outfit the Gryffindor common room with red wood deck. [5]
• You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks in the Leaky Cauldron scene. [6]
• Voldemort has ever told you, "I am your grandfather, Harry -- both of them!"

It took Harry several seconds to work that last one out.

'Eurgh!'

He crumpled up the parchment and tossed it into fire.

— CHAPTER THREE —

The Diricawl

Next Care of Magical Creatures lesson Hagrid led the class to the small vegetable patch behind his house. A peculiar-looking bird was pecking contentedly amongst the cauliflowers and leeks. It resembled a fat grey chicken with a long curving neck and a great golden hook of a beak.

'Now, this's a Diricawl,' said Hagrid. 'What yeh need ter remember abou' Diricawls is they'll disappear at the firs' sign o' danger --'

Harry stepped forward to take a closer look. With a soft, feathery pop, the Diricawl vanished.

'Ah, yeah, like that,' said Hagrid. He gazed at the empty space where the Diricawl had been, then said brightly, 'Nex' lesson is Bowtruckles!'

'Bet it's not,' muttered Ron.

Footnotes:

[1] Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill: A strawberry-flavoured "malt beverage" (i.e. beer) sold in bottles as cheap wine.

[2] primer: The stuff that's put on a car before painting it, to make the paint stick to the metal.

[3] You have ever used magic in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

As his Famous Wizard card says he "enjoys ... tenpin bowling", Dumbledore probably actually meets this qualification. You might be a redneck wizard if you have a brother who was prosecuted for practising inappropriate charms on a goat ...

[4] Daisy Duke shorts: Very short denim cut-offs.

[5] red wood deck: Sodomy non sapiens, as Terry Pratchett would put it (i.e. buggered if I know). Some kind of special flooring, I assume.

[6] Jack Daniels: An old and very good brand of Tennessee sipping whiskey.