Harry Potter and the Evil Pink Bunny of Doom

Chapter 1: Lord Voldemort, No More

 

Voldemort sat in his throne-like chair deep in the heart of his Evil Secret Hidden Lair, brooding. Nothing, even torturing random Muggles, or casting random Unforgivable Curses on unsuspecting Death Eaters, made him feel better. Once again, Harry Potter, a mere underage teenage wizard, had gotten the best of him.

To his immense irritation, a beautiful, spotted grey owl flew through the cracked door with a medium-sized parcel wrapped in brown packing paper. The owl dropped it at Voldemort’s feet, then flew away with a loud swoosh. Only mildly curious, and this was due to the lack of Death Eaters to hex, he picked up the box and read the address label:

Mr. Dark Lord Voldemort
Evil Secret Hidden Lair
Somewhere Hidden, United Kingdom

Whoever sent the package was obviously more intelligent than all the Aurors working at the Ministry of Magic and Dumbledore’s Order of the Phoenix combined, for this person knew exactly how to find the Dark Lord. Impressed, he opened the box and stared down at its contents, puzzled. It was a bunny.

A pink stuffed bunny, to be exact, with a matching pink bow around its furry neck. The insides of its ears, around its face, and the pads of its bottom paws were white, but except for that, it was a very girly shade of pink. Not exactly a fitting present for an Evil Overlord, he thought with disgust.

However, it did have shiny red eyes that reminded Voldemort of his own. Intrigued by the resemblance, he picked up the stuffed animal and stared at it. The bunny’s eyes locked with his, and the strangest thing happened – he felt his evil drain away, from the hairs on his head to the bottom of his feet.

He didn’t feel evil anymore. No longer did he want to take over the world and rule it as a supreme despot. Nor did he want to kill that stupid upstart Harry Potter, or anyone else, for that matter. For the first time in his life, he felt...happy. He clutched the bunny to his chest and laughed out loud – a real, mirthful laugh. It was the strangest sensation, and not altogether unpleasant.

The former Dark Lord lost no time going to Diagon Alley, where he planned to begin his new life, as a reformed Evil Overlord. But wherever he went, people ran away from him screaming, even when he tried to give flowers to beautiful ladies or lollipops to babies. For some reason people couldn’t quite believe he wasn’t evil.

Depressed and about to return to his Hidden Lair, he passed by a young girl. She was Mary Sue Who, aged five times two, and quite excited about attending Hogwarts for the first time that fall. Despite her young age, she was possessed with many strange and powerful magical gifts, one being that she could read minds with no training or effort at all. She clearly understood that Voldemort was no longer evil.

She ran up to the sad middle-aged man, and threw her arms around him, exclaiming, “I believe you, Mr. Voldemort!”

“Please,” the former Dark Lord said, “call me Tom, for I no longer hate Muggles and want to be called by my Muggle name. Would you like some candy?”

“Oh, yes, Mr. Tom!” Mary Sue squealed, happily eating the offered Fizzing Wizzbies. Professor Dumbledore heard the exchange and walked up behind Tom, clasping a friendly hand on his shoulder.

“Well, if Mary Sue believes you,” the Professor said kindly, with a twinkle in his eye, “I believe you, too, for this girl is gifted far beyond her years.”

Tom Riddle hung his head in shame. “Can you ever forgive me for turning into the nastiest Dark Evil Bad Guy ever, or should I turn myself over to the Dementors myself?”

“No!” Professor Dumbledore gasped. “There’s no need to be so dramatic! So, you killed thousands of unsuspecting Muggles, and caused general mayhem for decades. Nothing a simple ‘I’m sorry’ couldn’t cure!”

“I’m sorry,” he said contritely.

“There now, all better. Now, if you need a job, since you quit being an Evil Overlord, there’s a vacancy for a good Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Who would know more about the Dark Arts than you? What do you say?” the Professor inquired.

“Why, I’d love that!” Tom Riddle answered happily, shaking the Headmaster’s hand in agreement. Mary Sue beamed her approval, which is utterly key to the plot.

“I can’t wait to have you as my Professor, Mr. Tom,” she gushed, hugging him one last time before skipping off to meet her parents for a sundae in the ice cream parlor.

----- 

Harry Potter couldn’t believe what he was reading. Sitting on the twin bed he used while at the Dursleys’, which was nearly too short for his growing frame, he sat and read the Daily Prophet’s headline over and over. Was Lord Voldemort truly giving up? After facing him at the Department of Mysteries, Harry sincerely doubted it.

It must be a trick. He narrowed his eyes and balled up the paper in his fist, irritated that everyone, including Professor Dumbledore, believed the Dark Lord’s trickery. For once, he was actually glad that he had to spend the summer holidays at the Dursleys’ house. The wizarding news shocked and irritated him, and he needed time to process it all. No one bothered him, even Dudley, and he spent the lonely hours figuring out his sixth year schedule and doing various homework.

When he boarded the Hogwarts Express, he looked around for his mates, who had already claimed an entire car. Despite the traumatic events of the past year, he was looking forward to the new year. Until he heard that the new DADA professor was none other than a Mr. Tom Riddle. The mere idea of studying with the man who murdered his parents made his blood boil.

His rage grew during the sorting ceremony, which was rather uneventful, except that the Sorting Hat became very excited when a pretty young witch named Mary Sue Who sat on the famous stool to be sorted. Naturally, she sorted into Gryffindor, which got very rowdy cheers from his classmates.

Harry compared schedules with Ron and Hermione, flirted a bit with Ginny, who had broken up with Dean Thomas over the summer, and made a fifth-year Slytherin give back Luna Lovegood’s Astronomy homework, which she nicked on the train ride. He woke up bright and early for the first day of classes, dreading DADA. In fact, he skipped breakfast, choosing to brood by the lake.

When the bell rang, he headed towards the classroom, where a disgustingly pleasant-faced Tom Riddle stood outside, waiting for him. The former Dark Lord caught Harry’s arm on the way into the classroom, and cleared his throat to speak. Before he could, Harry jerked his arm away and gave his professor an obscene hand gesture.

“I guess I deserved that,” the Professor admitted. “But I truly am sorry for everything I did. Can you forgive me?”

“Hell--” Harry began, before a young female voice interrupted him.

“But, he’s really sorry,” came the small voice of Mary Sue, timidly clutching her first year Charms book to her chest and grinding her toe into the floor shyly. “Mr. Tom apologized and everything.”

As much as Harry wanted to hex Professor Riddle into oblivion, he just couldn’t. Mary Sue made too much sense; after all, he was sorry. Harry heavily sighed, and stuck out his hand in a sign of compromise with his former nemesis. Overjoyed, the former Evil Overlord embraced the teenager in a fatherly hug. The two walked into class, with a beaming Mary Sue watching.