Quack! Quack!

A/N: OK GUYS! This came as a moment of inspiration(INSANITY)! after drinking TAB for an hour. @_@ WEE! PLEASE ENJOY! *evil Grin* This is a filk....and we ARE EVIL! Especially to Snape. Who ironically enough is Angel Grrl's fave! Poor man. OH WELL! On with the torture! GRIN

Disclaimer: I own JACK SQUAT!!!!!!

"QUACK QUACK!" By: Angel Grrl and Devil Grrl

Our scene opens with a wide shot of the teacher's bathroom. In the pool-like bath tub sits our FAVOURITE blonde hero! Gilderoy Lockhart! May all teeny boppers swoon! (A/N: He works for Crest in the off season!)

Lockhart: Oh, hello there, reader! Well, here I am in my tubby again and my tubby is all filled with warm water and nice fluffy suds. And I've got my soap and washcloth to wash myself and I've got my nifty scrub brush to help me scrub my back. And I've got a big fluffy towel to dry myself with when I'm done. But there's one other thing that makes tubby time the very best time of the whole day. And do you know what that is?? It's a very special friend of mine. My favourite little pal. Maybe we should pay him a visit.

*Gilderoy Lockhart rises out of his "tubby" and begins to stalk down towards the dungeons...... exactly as he left the bathroom. Let's see what happens when he meets up with his "favourite little pal." *

'What a boring and uneventful day,' thought Professor Snape, as he was grading papers. Little did he know that things were about to take an interesting turn. His ears pricked up at the sound of the dungeon door slamming closed. He raised his eyes and expected to come face to face with one of his students with a very stupid question about today's lesson. What he DID see as soon as he looked up.........we're not gonna tell you because this is PG-13. He merely looked upwards at the smiling, blonde-haired individual and said,

"Oh, my"

"Snape! I've got something I need to say to you.........RIGHT NOW!"

"Please Dear God, make it quick,"

"Alright! I will......HIT IT!"

music plays in background

Gilderoy Lockhart in song:

Oh, Snapey, you're the one, Quack! Quack! You make schooltime lots of fun, Quack! Quack! Oh, Snapey, I'm awfully fond of you; (woh woh, bee doh!)

Snape: No!

Oh, Snapey, joy of joys, Quack! Quack! When I squeeze you, you make noise! Quack! Quack!

Snape: HELP! LET GO OF ME!

Oh Snapey, you're my very best friend, it's true! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! (doo doo doo doooo, doo doo)

Every day when I Make my to the tubby I imagine a little fella who's Cute and greasy and skinny (rub-a-dub-a-dubby!)

Oh Snapey, you're so fine Quack! Quack! And I'm lucky that you're mine Quack! Quack! Oh, Snapey, I'm awfully fond of you.

Snape: You do realize that every time you say "Quack! Quack!" your eyebrows go up and down...that doesn't mean anything....does it??

Lockhart: Hey Snapey! Would you like me to scrub your back with my nifty little scrub brush?

Snape: NO!

Lockhart: You would?! Ok! How's this?

Snape: GET AWAY FROM ME!

Lockhart: Hey! You want me to scrub behind your ears?

Snape: That's not my ear...

Lockhart:Oh! I see you don't have any ears, do you? Well, how about your tummy? Scrub his little slimy tummy!

Snape: Don't you even think about it!!! LEMME GOOOOOO!

Lockhart: Ooh! He's ticklish!!!!! Hehehehe!

Lockhart dumps Snape unceremoniously onto the ground, and continues on with his song...in his birthday suit.

Every day when I Make my to the tubby I imagine a little fella who's Cute and slimy and skinny (rub-a-dub-a-dubby!)

Oh, Snapey, you're so fine Quack! Quack! And I'm lucky that you're mine Quack! Quack! Oh, Snapey, I'm awfully fond of - Oh, Snapey, I'd like a whole pond of - Oh, Snapey, I'm awfully fond of you! (doo doo, be doo.)

Snape: I have just been violated...

Lockhart: I LOVE YOU MAN!

Lockhart embraces Snape in a "manly" hug.

Snape: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A/N: Please give us a review. And thanks for reading! HUGGLES AND SNOOCHIES TO EVERYBODY