I Can’t Do It Alone

Deep in the woods of Albania sat Wormtail and a bewildered Bertha Jorkins. In front of them was a shadow of a man. He almost looked solid but not quite. Kind of green really. Wormtail was wondering to himself why he was even there. Loyalty, he reminded himself. But then why did he have to be loyal to the point of crawling through brush with a dippy ministry employee to find the Dark Lord. Pathetic really, but then that was his middle name.

Voldemort, in turn, was ecstatic someone had found him; he had some really devious plots to carry out.

Wormtail looked up at what used to be the Dark Lord. How the hell could he make this phantom into a living thing? Or maybe just a functioning thing... Well, since it was Voldemort he was talking about, all he probably had to do was supply a tall body with big red eyes and a skull. The red eyes would be the tough part, the Dark Lord wasn't into coloured contacts. Wormtail scanned the forest him; maybe he should just go home now...

Voldemort could tell Wormtail was thinking, it was odd to see wheels turning behind those rodent eyes. Voldemort glanced over at Bertha, her eyes widened in fear and anticipation. This is going to take some work...he sighed and backed into the shadows.

Wormtail looked around confused, where'd the Dark Lord go? And then...

Ladies and gentlemen, Lord Voldemort in Act of Desperation...

Voldemort came out of the shadows with a bit of a sheepish expression gripping a small stick in one spirit like hand. He appeared to be dressed in a flimsy shirt that was too long and covered in sequins. He took a deep breath then began:

'My cronies and I had a plan that couldn't flop,

A plan that had me headed straight for the top!

My cronies and I killed a hundred a week. Oh yes!

But my loyal are now, unfortunately, deceased.

Oh it's sad of course,

But in fact they were all prats.

And now all that remains

is my plan that's really...

kick... ass....

[spoken] Watch this! You have to imagine I'm doing this with a few thousand Death Eaters, it's swell with over a thousand!

First I'd .... (runs around shouting orders)

Then they'd .... (makes praising movements like the DE are fawning over him)

Then we'd.... (marches forward with "wand" out)

But I can't do it alone!

Then they'd... (pantomimes putting on a mask)

Then I'd.... (shouts out orders)

Then we'd... (pretends to kill a tree that resembles a Muggle)

But I can't do it alone!

They'd say 'what're your wishes lord?'

I'd say 'few' ha ha ha...

They'd say 'where're we goin' now?'

And we'd wow the world again...

When they'd go.... (runs around shouting spells)

I'd go... (shouts out orders)

We'd go... (marches around trees shouting curses)

And then Fudge's mongers would start to roar

Sirens, Aurors, spells galore

Yelling and screaming, saying 'no more!'

[spoken] And we'd say, 'O.K, you Muggle lovers, keep your wands out,

'cuz you ain't seen nothin' yet!'

(Voldemort dances around the trees kicking his heels)

But I simply cannot do it alone!

[spoken] Well what do you think Wormtail? (Wormtail cowers in fear)

Oh come on, you can say!'

'Well....'

'OH COME ON! You know I'm brilliant! But the next part is really nifty! Watch this.

Ok, they'd go... (hides behind a tree)

I'd go... (counts on his fingers to three)

We'd go... (runs out from behind a tree and points his wand at a log on the forest floor)

And then that Harry Potter's down on the ground

He's up against the big man in town

Oh you can bet that he's goin' down

And we'd say. "Okay, boy...

we're goin' now, but before we go here's a few Crucio shots!"

And this...

this we did in perfect unison.

(Voldemort proceeded to dance around the log screaming spells and scattering sequins all over the forest)

Now, you've seen me goin' through it,

It may seem there's nothin' to it,

But I simply cannot do it...

Alone!'

Wormtail looked up skeptically, 'So where's the part you'll blow Harry's brains out?'

Voldemort sighed. ' Oh you can't expect me to kill him so early on! I wouldn't need nearly half the evil schemes I have if I did!'

Bertha sat on the ground with a stunned expression. 'I can't wait till I tell the Ministry about this, Voldemort in sequins, my word. Well I bet-'

'Avada Kedavra!'

The End