Shut Up, Ron, or the Perils of Fame and Friends

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Shut Up Ron!

The Daily Prophet came in through the kitchen window of the Burrow in the talons of a spotted owl. Harry picked it up from where it was dropped in his lap and blanched. He groaned and dropped his head onto the table with a loud, painful-sounding thump just as Ron came into the room and sat down, pouring himself some rhubarb juice.

“What are we punishing ourselves for now? I told you you were spending too much time with Dobby. So what special occasion warrants this disturbing display of self mutilation this time, hmm?” Ron asked lightly, raising a copper eyebrow at his friend.

“Shut. Up. Ron.” Harry ground out from the depths of the wood grain where his face was buried against the single panel solid oak dinette table.

“Well if you’re going to be all snippy about it then I guess I’ll just go. I couldn’t take another of your tantrums at this ungodly hour anyhow.”

“IT’S TEN O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING! And Snippy? SNIPPY?! Look at this! Look at what they’re doing to me! I think I have a right to be just a little ‘snippy’.”

Harry shoved the paper in Ron’s face and the redhead took it from him huffily, snapping the crisp page in his hands. Ron read the headlines slowly as he was wont to do. “Hmm…hey Harry I didn’t know you were gay. I’m your best friend, why didn’t you tell me?”

Harry rolled his eyes and sighed. “I’m not gay. That’s the whole bloody point!”

Ron looked puzzled for a moment. “Oh. Okay. Then why did they say you were gay?”

Harry counted slowly to ten in his head. And then again backward. And when that didn’t work, backward in German. Maybe if he confused himself enough he would be prevented from reaching out and strangling his dim friend. He wished Hermione were here. She would have knocked some sense into Ron, and she could do that sort of thing being a girl and all. And of course just being Hermione on top of that.

Harry took a deep breath and started, speaking slowly. “Ron, listen very carefully. It says that because obviously they’re either lying or someone is lying to them. Do you understand? I’m not gay.”

“Hey listen to this, some guy accidentally hexed himself into a muggle rubbish bin in Soho. They had to do three operations just to get all the trash out of his arse after they changed him back heh…continued on page 7…ooh look there’s pictures…” Ron sniggered to himself as he hurriedly fumbled through the pages of the newspaper.

“Ron you aren’t listening!”

“Oh…huh? Yeah I am. You’re upset because all the newspapers want to do articles on you because you’re so famous. Really, and you say I complain too much.”

“No Ron. That was not what I was saying. This is serious. I can’t have everybody thinking I’m gay.”

“Why not?”

“Pfftt…because I’m not you idiot!”

“Sure you’re not Harry. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you checking me out in the shower. It’s okay though you know, there are lots of support groups out there for people like you who are having a hard time discovering their true selves. And don’t call me an idiot,” he added poutily as an afterthought.

“I’m not having a hard time discovering my true self! I don’t even know what that means!”

“You’re just nervous. If you just get out there, play the field and get some experience you’ll feel more comfortable with it I think. Say, you know who you’d look good with? Draco Malfoy. You two contrast nicely. Of course then your apartment would look like Christmas all the time with all that red and green decor. That and Malfoy’s an evil soon-to-be-death-eating git….”

“Ron you aren’t listening!”

“Hmm…or I could set you up with one of my brothers. I don’t know if any of them are gay but at least one of them must be right?”

“Ron…”

“Probably Percy. Yeah, It’s got to be Percy. The rest of them like Quidditch too much. Oh, not that I mean you liking Quidditch is wrong or anything Harry, I don’t mean to stereotype. I guess it could be the Twins…or maybe Bill. He does wear all that jewelry. But then he’s probably too old for you huh, or did you like older men…?”

Harry held his head in his hands and groaned. “Are you trying to make me cry Ron? Because I swear…”

“What? No! Why, is something the matter? Are you thinking of your parents? Shall I get a box of Kleenex?” Ron asked with misguided concern as he eyed his dark haired friend with worry.

“No…no nevermind. Could you maybe just leave me alone for a bit Ron? I need to be by myself for a while.” Harry looked to Ron imploringly. Ron grinned back winningly and gave him an enthusiastic thumbs up. Harry shook his head. “A long while.”

Ron refilled his glass with more juice and picked it up along with a handful of donut holes before traipsing off up the stairs.

Harry sighed and picked up the paper again shaking his head.

HARRY POTTER -- THE BOY WHO LIVED A LIE? The Saviour of the Wizarding World...GAY! A reliable anonymous source claims Harry Potter, dubbed the Boy Who Lived after vanquishing the Dark Lord in an incident fifteen years ago that left his parents dead and ended the reign of terror of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, is a closet homosexual. A close friend of the boy wonder, who preferred to remain unnamed, has disclosed exclusively to this reporter, Special Correspondent Rita Skeeter, that Potter does in fact prefer the company of men.

“Ha. Me. Gay. As if. Sensationalistic tripe. Whatever happened to journalistic integrity?”

Harry sighed sadly and looked to where Ron had disappeared up the stairs.

Wait a second, did he say Draco Malfoy? An image of the blond boy -- looking cool and perfect in grey trousers and an unbuttoned pressed shirt, sweating in the heat of summer as he lay sprawled, basking in the sun on a Quidditch pitch somewhere, dreamy grey eyes turned to the sky -- flitted briefly across his mind.

Hmm...
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