Out With the Old Professors, In With the New

Ch. 15: The Nose Knows

As Harry approached the Great Hall for the feast in honor of the heroic exploits of Crabbe and Goyle, he saw a small crowd gathered outside the entrance. They were talking and laughing; it looked like the celebration had already started. Neville noticed him coming, and hurried over, wiping tears from his eyes.

"Harry, Harry, you've got to come over here!" he said, still catching his breath from an obvious bout of laughter. "The humor competition has begun! Come on and listen to the Hufflepuff team, they're great!" he finished, grabbing Harry's arm and steering him over toward a pair of students surrounded by a small crowd.

The Hufflepuff humorists were two 4^th years Harry had played Quidditch against, Cadwallader and Chambers. They were both wearing comically oversized bow ties.

"Alright there, Evan, have you got one for Harry?" asked Neville enthusiastically.

Cadwallader looked over to Neville and smiled. "Why, if it isn't Longbottom. Back for more, eh? Why don't you begin this time, Brian."

Chambers grinned and said, "Righty-oh, Evan. Seeing as this one is for Harry, we better make it good. OK, here goes: Knock-knock!"

Harry groaned inwardly. Everyone paused and looked at him for a moment. Neville nudged him and whispered, "You're supposed to say, 'Who's there?'"

"I know that, Neville," he whispered back. "Who's there?"

"Doris!" said Brian.

"Doris who?" asked Harry.

Pausing dramatically, Brian answered, "Doris locked, that's why I had to knock!"

Neville and the others in the crowd laughed, and Evan jumped right in.

"Knock-knock!"

"Who's there?" Harry replied wearily.

"Norma Lee!" said Evan, barely able to contain his mirth.

"Norma Lee who?" asked Harry.

"Norma Lee I wouldn't have to knock, but the Doris locked!" Evan finished.

As the crowd of admiring Hufflepuffs and Neville broke out in peals of laughter, Harry grinned. That was actually kind of funny, he thought, but he sincerely hoped that the other house contestants could come up with something better. Knock-knock jokes were OK, but they grew wearisome after, oh, one or two. He was really looking forward to what Ginny and Colin had in store for them later.

Harry heard some more students laughing nearby, and among the laughs he recognized that of Hermione. He excused himself from Neville, and walked over to see what she had found so amusing.

She and Ron and three other students were standing in front of a section of wall watching Orla Quirke wield her wand. While Hermione and the other students watched with anticipation, Ron had a glazed-over, vacant look on his face. Orla, a thin, dark-haired girl with thick horn-rimmed glasses, waved her wand and traced a series of shining, obscure runes that meant nothing to Harry on the stone surface of the wall. When she had finished, the onlookers critically appraised the results for a moment, before they all began to snicker, then chortle, and finally laugh loudly. Meanwhile, Ron stared mutely off into the distance.

"Uh, what's this all about, Hermione?" asked Harry, studying the unfamiliar figures.

Still smiling broadly, she remarked, "Oh Harry, I never knew Orla was such a wit, she's usually so quiet. Don't you see, she's just expressed the arithmantic identity principle as a recursive reverberating spell function!"

"Oh, and that's not the best part," said Stewart Ackerley, wiping his eyes. "Everyone knows the arithmantic identity principle was first enumerated by Babylonian wizards, and she's expressed it using Sumerian runes! Bloody brilliant, I must say!"

Hermione let out another burst of laughter. "Oh my, you're right Stewart, that went right over my head! The runes are so similar; I totally missed the distinctive serifs of the Sumerian runes. Bravo, Orla!"

As her admirers laughed and clapped, Orla blushed and muttered something shyly that Harry could not make out.

"That's our Orla all right, she's the life of the party in Ravenclaw!" said a 4^th year girl who Harry didn't know. "On the weekends, when we have our Mathemagic Marathons, she keeps everyone loose with rounds of Arithmancy Charades. I'm just glad we were able to talk her into entering the competition, we're sure to win now!"

"Shh, everybody be quiet, she's starting another one!" said Hermione enthusiastically, as Orla wiped the wall clean with her wand and began to produce more runes.

Harry turned to go, but Ron clutched at his arm. "Harry, you've got to save me!" he whispered desperately. "I think I'll go mad if I have to stand here another minute! It's like watching paint dry, then these brainiacs start laughing and prattling on about arithmacal sheriffs and such, I've got no idea what they're talking about. Help me, Harry! Just Obliviate me or something!"

Harry removed Ron's hand from his arm, and said, "Sorry, mate, she's your girlfriend. You'll just have to budge up." He laughed at the desperate expression on Ron's face, and continued. "Tell you what, we'll talk about Quidditch at the feast tonight, and it'll be Hermione's turn to be bored. Just hang in there, Ron, I know you can do it."

"That's easy for you to say," said Ron despairingly. "You can just walk away, free as a bird. I've already been subjected to this torture for over a half an hour. Alright then, go on, just leave me here to rot."

Winking at Ron, Harry said to Hermione, "Well, I'd love to stay, but I think I saw Luna in there, and I wanted to say hi. Have fun, you two!"

"Oh yes, we will! Bye Harry!" replied Hermione, turning back to Orla's newest creation, as Ron glared at Harry and ground his teeth.

As Harry walked into the banquet hall, he was still smiling at Ron's obvious discomfort. Too bad Ron and Hermione hadn't entered the competition together, he thought in amusement; they're always good for a few laughs. He headed over to the house table, ready for the evening's feast. Harry joined Dean and Andrew Kirke, who were already seated at the Gryffindor table enjoying a few appetizers. There were chips, meatballs, fruit and cheese to munch on before the main event began, and Harry helped himself to a plate.

"Hi there Andrew, Dean, how are you?" he asked.

"Good, Harry, pull up a chair," said Andrew, gesturing to a seat opposite him.

Andrew and Dean were smirking, as if they had just shared a joke. "What's so funny guys?" asked Harry. "And don't tell me you were enjoying Quirke's runes!"

Dean laughed. "No, Harry, that kind of humor's a bit dry for my taste. No, I'll tell you what we were laughing at. Look over there!" he said, gesturing toward the Slytherin table.

"I don't believe it!" exclaimed Harry. For there, in their accustomed places, eating as if they had just come off a day's worth of hard labor, were Crabbe and Goyle. "I figured they'd be in hospital for at least 3 days after what they ate during breakfast!"

"I know!" said Dean, reaching for a piece of cheese. "But there they are, just as good as new. I heard they even ate their usual lunch!"

"Well, that's unbelievable," commented Andrew. "They must have Vanishing Stomachs!"

"Either that, or they're part Ogre," said Harry. "Looking at Crabbe, I think that's not entirely unlikely."

The boys chatted for a while as they enjoyed their snacks and some pumpkin juice. Soon, the hall began to fill up as students and professors arrived for the festivities. Harry saw Sirius and Hagrid take their places at the staff table, and decided to go up and say hello.

"Arr, shiver me timbers!" said Hagrid as Harry approached. "Look perfesser, it's Harry, come ta pay his respec's. Ron tol' me about yer Quidditch accident, matey. Ya get that snitch out'n yer bum yet?"

Sirius spewed butterbeer onto the tablecloth and began laughing heartily, as Harry blushed and replied, "Yes, Hagrid, thanks, but please don't bring it up anymore, it's a bit embarrassing, you know?"

"Arr, no reason ter be shy about it, Harry. We've all had our share a' embarrassin' misfortunes. Why, I remember one time I had a blast-ended skrewt clamp on ta' me nards. Blimey, I was howlin'! That's one skrewt that hain't gonna bother nobuddy no more, I mus' say!"

"Hagrid, you're always good for an interesting anecdote!" exclaimed Sirius, clapping the huge gamekeeper on the back. "So Harry, heard any good knock-knock jokes lately?" he asked, smiling.

Harry grinned, and replied, "Now that you mention it, yes. I guess you've run across Brian and Evan, then?"

Sirius frowned, and said, "Knock-knock jokes! I couldn't believe it. And that Ravenclaw girl, with her Ancient Runic puns? That's just sad. All I can say is, it'll be smooth sailing for the Gryffindor team."

"So, you've got some idea of what Ginny and Colin have planned for tonight, have you?" asked Harry excitedly.

Sirius sat back with a malicious grin, and said, "Now Harry, I don't want to spoil the surprise. All I'll say is, if anything unusual happens, try a cup of tea."

"Got it, thanks Sirius." Harry glanced up and down the table, and said, "I guess Professor Lupin's really not coming, huh?"

"Probably not," replied Sirius. "It's getting close to the full moon, you see. If I know Remus, he's holed up in his room gorging on chocolate. He always gets this really strong craving for it a couple days before he goes Moony. I think I'll stop in and see him after the feast, bring him a box or two and make sure he's OK."

Just then, their conversation was interrupted by the headmaster. "Settle down, settle down, everyone! Please take your seats!" he called out. "I don't want to keep you from celebrating for very long, so I'll be brief."

Dumbledore waited a moment while the students quieted down and gave him their attention. Harry said goodbye to Sirius and Hagrid, and hurried over to his place at the Gryffindor table, joined by Ron, who had left Hermione with the other professors.

"Now then, as you all know, there's nothing I like better than a proper feast!" said the headmaster. "We have been provided an excuse for a grand one by our heroes of the day, Mr. Crabbe and Mr. Goyle, well done gentlemen, well done, take a bow!"

As the rest of the students and the teachers applauded in admiration, the two Slytherins rose to acknowledge their praise. Goyle simply bowed, and Crabbe waved a leg of mutton on which he had been munching at the grateful crowd.

"Thank you, gentlemen! Now, I had intimated to you at breakfast that I should have some additional happy news. I have had the opportunity to meet with the leader of the House Elves, and am pleased to report that he has agreed to release Miss Granger." Dumbledore gestured to Hermione to stand, and she rose from her seat at the staff table, blushing, as the gathering applauded.

Dumbledore continued. "Welcome back, Hermione! Of course, I am sorry to say that this means you all must complete your History assignments by Monday, but that is a small price to pay for the return of your professor, I'm sure you will agree." He spread his arms wide, and exclaimed, "And now, without any further ado, let the feast begin!"

As usual, the students were amazed to see the tables suddenly covered with a bountiful repast, as if they had not seen this happen a hundred times before. Roasts, chicken, potatoes, blah, blah, blah, it was all there. The students feasted happily on all their favorite dishes, you know the drill.

Anyway, while they all feasted on the feasty goodness of the feast, Ginny and Colin slunk surreptitiously over to the house table and sat down next to Ron.

"Hey there," said Ron. "You're a bit late. Busy, were you?"

Ginny grinned, and replied, "That's right Ron, Colin and I were just down in the kitchens making some last-minute preparations for our little gag tonight. We would have been back earlier, but there were a couple of Slytherins sneaking around down there for some reason."

"That's right!" exclaimed Colin, still excited from his adventure with Ginny. "I think they were trying to spy on us, probably wanted to know what we were up to, if you ask me. But we were careful, I don't think they even noticed we were there!"

"Good for you, Colin!" said Harry. "I'm really looking forward to whatever you two have planned for us. I don't suppose you'd like to give us a hint, would you?"

"Now Harry, be patient," chided Ginny. "You'll just have to wait along with everybody else!"

As the feast went on, and the students ate and chatted, Harry almost forgot about the pending pranks that his friends were about to unleash on them all. Finally, dinner was finished, and the remains of their meals were replaced by desert. Harry was pleased to see plenty of his favorite, treacle tart. He grabbed one and was about to take a bite, when Colin grinned nervously and said, "Uh, Harry, wouldn't you rather have some custard or something?"

"No thanks Colin, maybe later. This is my favorite, I've been waiting for it all day!"

"Yeah, leave him alone, Colin," said Ginny, winking at him, while Ron, who had also picked up a treacle tart, dropped his suddenly and looked on uncomfortably. "It's his favorite! Dig in, Harry!"

Harry took a big bite and chewed greedily on the plump tart. "That's funny," he thought, "this tastes a bit strange." Suddenly, Harry felt something warm and wet on his face. His nose was bleeding! Ginny laughed, and Harry looked up. All along the length of the Gryffindor table, everyone who had sampled the treacle tarts, about a third of the students, had the same nosebleed.

Holding his hand to his nose, Harry looked at the other house tables, and saw that similar numbers of students at all the other tables were experiencing the same condition. "Very funny, you two!" he said. "So this was your prank, huh?"

Still laughing, Ginny said, "That's right Harry, we replaced the tarts the elves made with these! Spiked them with Nosebleed Nougats from my brothers' shop!"

Ron handed Harry a napkin, which he held against his nose to catch the trickle of blood. It was showing no sign of stopping on its own. "OK Ginny, good joke," said Harry, trying to be a good sport. "Would I be right in assuming that a cup of tea will make this stop?"

"Yes, that's right Harry, how did you know?" asked Colin, who was smiling somewhat sheepishly, as if in shock that he had helped cause even minor harm to his hero. "I put the antidote in the tea. It was hard to get it done with those Slytherins hovering around, though."

While Harry poured himself some tea, he said, "Well, you had better let everyone else know before the joke gets out of hand, don't you think?"

"Right Harry, I'll take care of it," replied Colin. He gestured with his wand, and a small explosion went off near the Head Table.

Red and gold smoke coiled upward, and formed a huge, grotesque smiley face, which exclaimed in a loud and ridiculous voice, "Bloody good fun, don't you think? But to stop the bleeding, it's tea you should drink!" The smiley face then began cackling loudly in maniacal laughter.

Harry and the other students with bloody noses all quickly quaffed a cup of the tea from the pots distributed along the various house tables. Harry felt an odd sensation in his nose, which he assumed was the antidote taking effect. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw two students from Slytherin with whom he was not familiar leap to their feet and gesticulate frantically, yelling all the while, but their cries were drowned out by the laughing smoke smiley face.

One of the Slytherins pulled out his wand and pointed it at Colin's handiwork, and shouted "Finite Incantatum!" The smiley face immediately dissipated, and the cackling ceased. In the next moment, several things occurred simultaneously.

"Hey, that's not very sporting!" exclaimed Ginny, upset that the Slytherin had interfered with their prank.

"Everybody, don't drink the tea!" shouted the agitated Slytherin.

Harry had drunk his tea moments before everyone else, of course. As Ginny and the Slytherin yelled, his nose twitched, and a great gout of blood shot out of both of his nostrils, spraying Ron and Neville, who were seated on either side of him. Almost immediately thereafter, the same thing happened to all the other students who had drunk the supposed antidote.

"We replaced the tea, and spiked it with Nosebleeding Libation!" the Slytherin shouted.

"Uh oh!" said Colin, and Ginny looked horrified.

Pandemonium erupted across the hall. Blood spouted out of the nose of each effected student as if it were being sprayed from twin garden hoses. The room was filled with screaming. One by one, the unfortunate victims turned paler and paler, as their spewing life fluid drenched their neighbors' robes, faces and hair, coated the tablecloths, and began to collect in pools on the floor. Harry pressed both hands against his nose to try to stop the bleeding, but the blood just flowed between his fingers.

"Blimey!" said Hagrid. "Will ya lookit that! Them students' is bleedin' like stuck pigs, they is. I hain't seen this much blood since the feud that time I visited the giants!"

Sirius could not respond immediately. He was doubled over in his chair, laughing too hard to draw breath. "Oh, ah, this is hilarious!" he said between laughs. "This is almost as funny as the time Branford and Harrington got each other with the Entrail Expelling Curse!" He broke down into hysterical laughter and fell from his chair.

The stricken students began to drop to the blood-slickened floor one by one, their faces ashen. Dumbledore exclaimed, "Oh dear! I daresay poor Poppy is going to have a busy night. Well, I suppose I better do something in the meantime."

Harry was extremely dizzy, and felt his consciousness ebbing. The last thing he remembered seeing before blackness overtook him was the Headmaster standing and waving his wand, and calling out an incantation.

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