Out With the Old Professors, In With the New

Ch. 14: The Spice Boys

When Harry, Ron and Hermione returned to the Common Room, the Gryffindors gave them a raucous welcome. They were all thrilled that Dumbledore had been able to secure Hermione's freedom from the House Elves. What's more, they were amazed that Winky was now Hermione's servant. After all the badgering her housemates had taken from her over SPEW, she took some good-natured ribbing for having her very own House Elf.

"Well, I guess this means Neville can toss out his SPEW badge, huh?" joked Dean.

"No, it's all part of her plan to give them more freedom," said Ginny seriously. "Hermione's going to get a whole stable of House Elves, and order them to do whatever they want."

"Hey, she's not the only one to get her own elf," said Ron, gesturing at Dobby, who was standing awkwardly in the corner near the fireplace. "Harry, you should go over and talk to him," he finished in an aside to Harry.

"Yeah, I guess I should," replied Harry, noticing that Dobby was looking somewhat uncomfortable.

"Hi Dobby, how are you doing?" asked Harry as he approached the elf.

"Oh, Dobby is fine, Harry Potter. I has been over to see Professor Dumbledore, sir," he said uncertainly, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other.

"Well, I imagine he talked to you about how the other House Elves feel about you working here," said Harry.

"Yes, Harry Potter, and Dobby could not believe it! He said, he told Dobby that, well, that Harry Potter might be willing to have Dobby as a servant!" he finished excitedly.

"Well, I know how much you like being free Dobby, but I want to keep you here with us at Hogwarts, and you're welcome to stay with me," replied Harry.

Dobby began to jump up and down. "Oh, Harry Potter!" Dobby said gleefully. "Dobby only wanted to be free because I thought that Harry Potter did not want a servant! When you freed Dobby from the bad, dark, evil Malfoys, I thought that you might think all House Elves should be free. Then, when Dobby came here to work and saw how much your friend Hermione wanted to free all the elves, and that you were in SPEW too, I thought Dobby would just continue to work here where I could still be of service to you. Harry Potter, was Dumbledore right, will you take Dobby as your servant? Will you, Harry Potter, will you?"

Harry could not help but be amused at how excited Dobby had gotten at the prospect of essentially enslaving himself to him. "Settle down there, Dobby! Yes, I'd be delighted to have you as my servant."

"Oh, thank you, thank you, Harry Potter!" said Dobby in ecstasy. "You will not regret this! Dobby will be the hardest working servant anyone has ever had! Dobby will not rest, or sleep, or shirk from any task Harry Potter sets him!"

"Well then, my first order to you, Dobby, is that you will rest and sleep. Work as hard as you want to, Dobby, but I must insist that you take plenty of time for yourself, too," said Harry with a grin.

"Yes, Harry Potter!" said Dobby happily. "You are wise and kind. Now, would Harry Potter mind if Dobby goes over and tells Winky?"

"Of course not, Dobby, help yourself!" Harry replied. "You'll be happy to know that Winky is Hermione's servant now, and she seems really happy."

"Oh, Harry Potter, that is great news!" exclaimed Dobby happily. "This is the best day Dobby can remember, even better than the day that Harry Potter set Dobby free!"

Harry grinned as he watched Dobby run over to Winky. The two elves clasped hands and began jumping up and down as they chattered excitedly to one another. He was really glad to think that he had helped to make the little elves so happy. However, he wasn't sure he had enough work he needed done to keep Dobby satisfied. Maybe he could order him to harass Malfoy for a week or two, that'd make both he and Dobby happy, Harry thought maliciously.

The subject of elves taunting someone reminded Harry of what he and Ron had overheard Dumbledore saying earlier in his office. The Headmaster had decided that Professor Snape was going to be working with the elves in some capacity. He was intrigued as to the nature of Snape's assignment. Harry could not imagine that the dour Potions Master would take it well, whatever it was. However, anything that upset Snape or made his life more difficult was fine by Harry, he mused happily.

The Gryffindors were ready for a big party to celebrate Hermione's release. She tried to excuse herself, arguing that she was behind on her class preparation, but her housemates would have none of that. Soon, pumpkin juice and butterbeers, crisps and sweets were making the rounds of the Common Room, and the celebration grew quite raucous.

As Harry stood chatting happily with his friends, sipping a butterbeer, Colin approached.

"Alright there, Harry?" he said. "You feeling better after your, uh, back problem?"

Ron coughed and nearly choked on some pretzels he had been eating, and Harry replied testily, "Yeah, Colin, I'm fine, thanks for asking."

"That's great, Harry," Colin continued, talking rapidly. "Guess what Harry? Guess what?"

"What, Colin?"

"No, guess Harry, guess!" he replied excitedly.

Harry sighed, and said wearily, "I really can't guess, Colin, if you have something you want to tell me, get on with it."

"OK, well, I'm going to be in the competition! The one to see which is the funniest house in the school!"

"Oh really, that's good Colin," said Harry. "Who's your partner?"

"Well, when we were in Professor White's class, he asked us if anybody had what it takes to play some really wicked pranks. Well, of course, I spoke right up and said Ginny should do it, she's brilliant at that sort of thing, you know. Everyone in the class agreed with me, and she said she'd do it as long as I helped her, so there you go. We'll be playing our first prank tonight at the feast, you know."

"I never thought of her," said Ron thoughtfully. "She'll do a great job, she was the only one in the family who could give back as good as she got from Fred and George."

"So, what have you two got planned for us, Colin?" asked Harry with a grin. "Should we plan to be elsewhere, or will your prank be safe for everyone at the feast?"

"Um, I'm not really sure, Harry," answered Colin. "I'm really going to be Ginny's assistant more than anything else. It should be fun though, you should hear some of the ideas she's had!"

"I can only imagine," said Harry, as Ron muttered darkly about Bat Bogeys.

The students amused themselves by swapping jokes and stories about pranks and tricks they had played in the past, or been the victims of. After some time had passed, Dean walked in. He looked around the room until he saw Harry, then approached and said, "Oh Harry, there you are. I was just coming back from the library, and Professor Lupin gave me this message to give to you. He asked me to tell you to open it right away."

"Huh, I wonder what it's about?" asked Harry, as he opened the lilac envelope and took out Lupin's note. He read it quickly, and said, "Oh, excellent, he wants to start Occlumency lessons today. In fact, I'm supposed to meet him in fifteen minutes! I hate to leave the party, but I better get going."

His friends wished him good luck, and he set off to Lupin's quarters. As he approached the corridor leading to the teachers' rooms, a curious sight greeted him. A long queue of House Elves was lined up, leading around the corner toward Professor Snape's room. Near the end of the line, Harry recognized Chunky and Skippy.

"Hi there, what are all of you doing?" asked Harry.

"Oh, hello Harry Potter! Chunky is pleased to see you," replied the elf. "We is all going to see Professor Snape. He is our new good friend. Once a week, all the House Elves will get to meet with Professor Snape, and he will help us with our work, sir! We all loves Professor Snape, sir!"

"Yes sir," squeaked Skippy. "Professor Snape is the best friend of all the Hogwarts House Elves. Skippy is wanting to see him every day if I could!"

Harry was intrigued. He could not help but peek around the corner at the beginning of the line. There, the first elves in the queue stood, waiting excitedly for the professor to appear. He imagined that Snape would be extremely upset at having to meet individually with each of the House Elves, and wanted to see his reaction for himself.

Suddenly, the door opened. Snape walked out and bowed, to the applause of all the elves in line. He did not look displeased, much to Harry's surprise. Then, as he straightened up and looked down the line, Snape caught sight of Harry. He smiled, and called out, "Hello, Harry, how are you on this fine day? Off to see Lupin, I would imagine? Say hello for me!"

"Urgh," Harry replied, so surprised that he was momentarily unable form a coherent reply. Snape was smiling! Not an evil grin, or a sneer, or a leer, but a happy smile. He seemed relaxed and was uncharacteristically friendly. What in the world could have put him in such a jovial mood, Harry wondered? He soon got his answer.

"Well, let's begin, shall we?" called out Snape with apparent glee, and the assembled House Elves all let out a shout of approval. Snape approached the head of the line, and the first elf stepped forward happily. She was a small, cute little elf with a tiny button nose. She turned her back on the professor, and leaned over with her hands on her knees.

What happened next caught Harry completely by surprise. Snape grinned malevolently, then shouted, "Get to work, you lazy, good-for-nothing lay-about!" He finished by booting the poor little elf in her backside.

As Harry stared in shock, she sailed gracefully through the air, and called out happily, "Yes sir, professor sir, Squinchy will work harder, sir!"

That was some kick, thought Harry, she must have gone over 30 yards. Snape should have played football, he would have made an excellent striker. His face lit up with joy as the next elf hurried to take his turn.

"Make yourself useful, you indolent little waste of space!" Snape cried, punting the happy elf even further than the first one. Harry had seen enough. He turned and hurried off to Lupin's room.

When he arrived, Harry knocked at the door. "Hi Harry, come on in!" called Lupin. Noticing his strained expression, he said with concern, "You look upset. What's the matter?"

Harry described the scene he had observed between Snape and the House Elves to the professor. Surprisingly, Lupin laughed.

"Well, that sounds like a match made in heaven!" he exclaimed. "The House Elves will love that sort of treatment, and good old Severus has a, shall we say, somewhat sadistic streak. But you know all about that, right Harry, that's why you're here with me now instead of studying with Professor Snape!"

"Yes, I had a lot of trouble learning Occlumency with him, we just don't get along at all," said Harry. "Snape's just plain evil!"

"Now Harry," chided Lupin, "let's not talk about Professor Snape that way. He's had a lot of adversity in his life, and he deals with it by putting on that 'scary teacher' act. If you really knew him as I do, you'd pity him for the man he has become."

"Maybe," said Harry uncertainly, "but really professor, I think it's the rest of us who have to deal with him who should be pitied."

Lupin laughed again, and said, "Well, I really can't argue with you there, Harry. Anyway, let's get to work. We've got to give you the tools you need to block Voldemort's intrusions into your mind, if we can. I think we should begin by trying to figure out why you had so much trouble with your lessons last year." Harry opened his mouth to reply, and Lupin continued. "Beyond your and Severus' mutual loathing of one another, that is. How exactly did Professor Snape instruct you to close your mind?"

"He told me to try to make my mind blank, and empty it of all emotion. He said that was the best way to keep Voldemort out."

Lupin stood up and paced back and forth for a moment. "Yes, Severus is right of course, that is the most effective way to shield your mind. However, it is extremely difficult to do so, as you probably learned. Very few wizards are ever able to gain enough conscious control over their emotions to succeed that way."

"Well, if Snape can do it, so can I!" said Harry vehemently.

"It's not that easy, I'm afraid. Don't let yourself be fooled by the fact that both Professor Snape and our headmaster are highly skilled Occlumens. Dumbledore, of course, is an expert at every branch of magic he has seen fit to turn his attention to. Snape has developed the ability to clear his mind of emotion whenever he sees fit, although I believe the strain caused by that effort helps to explain why he is usually so, um, testy."

"Wait a minute, are you saying you don't think I'll be able to do it?" asked Harry with chagrin.

"No, no, I'm just suggesting we might want to try an easier method of occlumency first. I myself have never reached the level of achievement that our two resident experts have, but I can block my mind effectively when necessary, and even push out an intrusion. The method I use is not as effective, to be sure, in that an expert Legilimens can get a quick peek at my thoughts before I push him out if I'm not on guard, or if I'm asleep, but it still works. Also, if you master this method, I think you'll have better luck learning the more complicated form, since a lot of the pressure on you will have been lifted."

"That sounds great!" exclaimed Harry. "So, what do we do?"

"Well Harry, the first step is pretty simple. Are you familiar with the Muggle concept of getting a song stuck in your head?"

"Sure," replied Harry, "I've had that happen to me before."

"Yes, well, you probably know that sometimes Muggles will get a song they really despise repeating over and over in their heads. That is often because a wizard nearby is using that song to shield his thoughts, and it leaks into the Muggles' minds. They have no idea where it is coming from, and no way to block it out."

"I see, so if I'm thinking of a song it will block out all other wizards' thoughts?"

"Yes and no," answered Lupin. "It should preferably be a simple, monotonous song which can repeat itself over and over without you really thinking about it, and it should be mindless enough to clear your brain of any real mental activity."

"OK, which song should I pick?" wondered Harry.

"I've got just the one, it always works for me. What we'll do is, we'll actually start out singing it together, then I'll let you continue and try to intrude on your thoughts. For this first attempt, you should keep singing out loud to stay focused, but as you master the technique, you can just let the song run non-verbally through your mind. Alright, ready Harry?" asked Lupin.

"Ready, let's give it a go," he replied.

"Excellent!" said Lupin, gesturing with his wand toward his magical Victrola record player.

A trite, repetitive beat began to issue from the old machine. "Hey, I know this song!" said Harry.

"Good, I'll start, then you join in," said Lupin, waiting for the appropriate place in the song for the vocals to begin.

Harry and Remus' Insipid Mind Shielding Song:

(Remus) Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want!
(Harry) So tell me what you want, what you really really want!
(Remus) I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want!
(Harry) So tell me what you want, what you really really want!
(Remus) I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zig-a-zig ha!

(Remus) If you want my future, forget my past, if you wanna get with me, better make it fast!
(Harry) Now don't go wastin', my precious time, get your act together we could be just fine!

At this point, Lupin stopped singing, and said, "OK Harry, take it away! You keep singing, and I'll try to break into your mind."

But Harry was not listening. The driving, monotonous tune had banished all rational thought from his brain. He gyrated around the office, continuing to sing, as Lupin prepared to make his attempt.

Lupin tried to use his Legilimency skills to access a simple memory of Harry's, but all he managed to get was what Harry was singing at the time:

"Easy V doesn't come for free, she's a real lady, and as for me, ha ha, you'll see!"

"Harry, you did it!" exclaimed Lupin proudly. "I wasn't able to pick up anything from your mind except the shielding song."

Lupin smiled as Harry, still not paying attention, continued to dance around and sing:

"Slam your body down and wind it all around!
Slam your body down and wind it all around!"

Looks like Harry has blanked out his mind really well, he thought with amusement. He waved his arms, and shouted, "Harry! HARRY!"

Harry stopped dancing and singing, and said, "Huh, what? Oh, sorry Professor Lupin, I guess I wasn't paying attention."

"No Harry, you weren't. But that's ok. You were completely successful at blocking my attempt to enter your mind! I couldn't perceive any of your memories at all!"

"Really? Wow! So I did it, huh? That wasn't so hard."

"Yes, this is a great beginning, Harry. I think we've done enough for today. Next time, we'll see if you can use this technique to push me out after I access your thoughts. Here, have some chocolate."

"Chocolate?" asked Harry in confusion. "That's OK professor, I feel fine."

"So what? Have some of this chocolate anyway, it's really good, it's got nuts. Mmmmmm, chocolate!" finished Lupin, chomping messily on a large chunk.

"No thanks," replied Harry. "The banquet starts in a few minutes, and I don't want to spoil my appetite."

"Suit yourself. Hey Harry, if you don't want it, can I have your piece?"

"What? Sure, go ahead," he said. "Um, I guess I'll head off to the banquet now. Are you coming?"

"No, I'm just going to stay here and eat chocolate. Yum!" answered Lupin enthusiastically and stuffing another piece into his mouth, as Harry waved goodbye and left to take part in the festivities in the Great Hall.

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