Utterly Parvati

Chapter One: In which Parvati is an idiot (oh wait, that's every chapter)

She hadn't meant for it to happen.

Once again, Parvati had made a complete and utter mess of things. And after she'd repeatedly forged that promise to herself; don't do it, Parvati, don't be...

'Parvati!'

She snapped upright and met Padma's wary gaze. Looking at her twin was like staring at her own reflection, only Parvati was sure her mirror-self could never manage that expression Padma often wore that told people: yes, it is possible to be this anal-retentive.

'Do I even want to know why you won't stop hitting your forehead against that table?' she sniffed.

Parvati scowled. 'Well, if you don't want to know, don't ask, Stupid.'

Padma sighed and sat down next to her sister. 'You're calling me childish names now...this sounds bad.'

'It is bad,' muttered Parvati sulkily.

'How bad?'

'Think: really, really, I'm-going-to-Avada-Kedavra-myself-now bad.'

'You're engaged to Draco Malfoy.'

'Nope. Worse.'

'You...chipped a nail?'

'No. But that did happen yesterday, and it made me very upset.'

'You're having an affair with Professor Snape?'

'PADMA!' hissed Parvati, making desperate, flailing hand movements. 'You're NOT helping! I might as well talk to Lavender; you're supposed to be the smart one!'

'What, I'm not funny at all?'

'No, I am very seriously unamused. You have three more guesses before I hex you.'

'Um...you killed Harry Potter so there's no one to fight You-Know-Who and we're all going to die?'

'No, but close.'

'Ah. So this is about Harry then.'

'No, this is about You-Know-Who,' said Parvati wryly.

Padma quirked her head to one side. 'I thought things were going well with you guys.'

Parvati let her head fall and hit the hard, polished desk again. 'So did I!'

*

It had been roughly a month (or four weeks and six days, to be exact) since the accidental kiss in the garden. Although Lavender claimed that it was impossible, Parvati still insisted that the entire thing was an accident. No, she hadn't kissed Harry on purpose and no, she did not want to do it again. Stick to your story no matter how unlikely it seems, that was her motto.

Anyway, Lavender hadn't been much help the next day. Parvati was freaking out and decided to drag her away from lunch for an emergency discussion.

'So...I still don't understand...'

Disbelief and irritation were evident in every one of Parvati's pretty features, from her pouted lips to arched eyebrows.

'But I've just spent half an hour of our lunchtime trying to explain it to you!' she exclaimed.

Lavender looked sulky. 'But you know I don't listen well on an empty stomach.'

They were sitting on a bench by the side of a path in one of Hogwarts' many gardens. It was the best place for having guaranteed privacy without appearing suspicious. Unofficially known as their gossip spot, it was a fairly quiet area and anyone who happened to pass by could be spotted ages before they came within earshot of Parvati and Lavender's conversations.

'It's not your empty stomach that's the problem, Lavender Bianca Brown, it's your empty mind.' Parvati rolled her eyes.

'Don't! It's so unfair, I can't call you anything because you don't have a middle name,' the unfortunate Lavender whined.

'At least your nickname isn't Vati. I mean, what's more terrible than that?'

Lavender fixed her with the sourest look she could manage. 'Lav?'

'Ah,' Parvati conceded meekly. 'Fair point. You win.'

'My parents are such losers. Three colour names?'

'It is extremely cruel, but...okay, why the hell are we talking about this anyway?' cried Parvati despairingly.

'Well, stop going off on random tangents, then.'

'Shut up. You don't even know what "tangent" means.'

'No, you don't know what "tangent" means.'

'I don't care. You're so immature.'

Lavender stuck out her tongue and Parvati returned the childish gesture.

'We're so cool,' she said with mock seriousness.

'I know,' agreed Lavender. 'But we've told ourselves that a million times already.'

'I don't know what to do.'

'I think you should sleep with him.'

'Now I remember why I don't ask you for advice; it's because you're an IDIOT. And that was a surprisingly slutty thing to say, by the way...I'm impressed.'

'I think I've been spending too much time with Seamus,' confessed Lavender. 'Perhaps you should talk to Padma.'

Parvati sighed. 'That's the only sensible thing that you've said all day.'

'You're one to talk about being sensible.'

She had to admit, Lavender had a point.

Although Parvati was a witch highly-blessed in many areas (beauty, talent and cleverness, just to name a few), she was highly aware that she didn't have the best of luck on her side-even Professor Trelawney had remarked on it. Parvati's reasoning for this was that she must have been a horribly evil person in her past life, like the Dark wizard Grindelwald or a Blast-Ended Skrewt.

It just seemed that whenever she wished for something bad to not happen, it always did. Sometimes that was a result of her own stupidity (the whole Malfoy fiasco, for example), but more often it was just appalling luck. A good example of the latter was that on her way to find Padma in the library, she just happened to walk into the Entrance Hall at the same time that Harry did. It was difficult to say whether the presence of half the school's population made the situation more or less awkward.

'Uh, hey,' said Harry, sounding a bit strangled because Hermione had just elbowed him violently in the ribs after a long moment's silence.

'Um, hi,' said Parvati, and promptly ran away.

Alright, so she hadn't literally run away but she'd certainly escaped the crowd before anyone could stop her.

Oh, GOOD ONE, Patil!

The voice inside Parvati's head was steeped in sarcasm. Idiot. Why don't you just take the Idiot crown from Lavender, cross out her name, engrave your own on, then wear it, you idiotic...idiot thing. Dammit, why can't I think of any synonyms for "idiot"? Is it because I'm too idiotic?

Mostly to stop her inner voice from incoherently rambling on further but also because she wanted to make sure she wasn't experiencing some sort of dreadful nightmare, Parvati began to smack her palm against the side of her head as she walked. Thankfully, no one was around to see.

'You should stop doing that. I really think you need the few brain cells you currently have, Patil,' a voice called out.

Or not.

Parvati turned to face Pansy Parkinson. 'I really think you should rethink the pink eye shadow.'

She didn't expect for the Slytherin to start looking genuinely worried. 'Really?'

'...No,' Parvati conceded reluctantly. 'It looks great.'

'Yeah, I thought so too.'

'I don't like you,' she stated icily. 'So, if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to leave now.'

'So I hear you snogged Potter,' said Pansy casually.

Parvati whipped around. 'You know about that?'

'Please. You should know that word gets round this place faster than Blaise does.'

'And...?'

'And so how was it?'

Parvati rubbed at her temples and made a pained face; she was beginning to develop a considerably large headache.

'That bad, huh? I knew it.'

'Uh,' said Parvati weakly, 'not exactly...'

'What?' cried the other girl. 'How good?'

'Quite...'

'That's. Well...that's shocking news, actually.'

'Are we finished yet?'

'Wait, wait, one more question!' said Pansy eagerly. 'Why don't you sleep with him, then?'

'Okay, why does everybody think that's going to solve my problem?'

'Might make it more fun,' she shrugged.

'I need to find someone else to have this discussion with,' said Parvati resolutely and leaving behind a highly amused Pansy, continued on her way.

'I need to see you,' announced Parvati, after having marched over to the table where Padma and her friends were sitting and interrupting their conversation.

'Oh hi, Parvati,' greeted Daisy Zeller. 'Why don't you join us? We were just talking about-'

'Ooh, that honestly sounds really fascinating, but unfortunately I've got urgent matters to discuss with Padma at the moment,' apologised Parvati, dragging her sister out of her seat.

'-Harry,' finished Daisy.

'Ah...'

'Yes, how is he, by the way?' asked Cho Chang, smiling in a very insincere kind of way. As if Parvati couldn't spot it a mile off; she used it for teachers all the time.

'We need to go,' she said hurriedly to Padma.

Once they were safely in an isolated corner, Parvati slumped onto a seat.

'Does everybody know?' she asked miserably.

'I think I was the last to hear about it.' Padma folded her arms crossly. 'Thanks, by the way.'

'Look, I didn't even get a chance to tell you.'

'Sure. And?'

'And, what?'

Padma clicked her tongue impatiently. 'What's happening with you two now?'

'Nothing.'

'Nothing?'

'Yes, nothing.'

'What?'

'What do you mean by "what"?'

'Well, what do you mean by "nothing"?'

'I mean,' said Parvati tersely, 'that nothing is happening with us now.'

'Parvati, you've been in love with him since forever.'

'I have not!'

'Have too.'

'Have n-dammit, Padma! I need advice from someone who's sane around here!'

'Okay, okay,' said Padma quickly in hushed tones. 'Just stop yelling, or we'll get kicked out.'

'A break from the library wouldn't hurt you,' scoffed Parvati.

'This is not my life we're discussing.'

'No, we never discuss your life.'

'That's because you're always talking about yourself, and I have to listen.'

'Right then, let's talk about you.'

'Drop it, Parvati.'

'Fine.'

'So why is there nothing happening with you and Harry?'

'I...He...er...'

Parvati's twin stared at her disbelievingly. 'That was very informative. I fully know what you mean.'

'Oh, for Godric's sake. Isn't it obvious? It would never work out.'

'Why? Because you actually like him?'

'Do you honestly think,' Parvati asked slowly, 'that Harry likes me for anything other than the way I look?'

'Oh come off it, Parvati, do you honestly think Harry is that shallow?'

'He went out with Cho Chang!' cried Parvati. 'Miss Bitchy McBitch! And also, I'm really attractively gorgeous, in case you hadn't noticed.'

'Cho's not that bad, really. You're exaggerating. She's just...a lot nicer to the male population of Hogwarts.'

'I hate people like that,' she scowled. 'See, that's one good thing about Draco; he treats everyone the same way.'

'Like they're shit and he's so much better than all of them?'

'At least he's consistent.' Parvati shrugged. 'Why are you friends with Cho anyway?'

'Well, she makes the most amazing cue cards for study; not just colour-coded but-'

She abruptly cut off Padma's eager reply. 'Okay, I don't care.'

'Alright so what are you going to do about the Harry situation, before I have to hear the news from Justin Finch-Fletchley again.'

'I'll...figure out something.'

'I don't like the sound of that,' said Padma.

To be frank, neither did Parvati.

Parvati couldn't exactly avoid Harry in their next lesson for the day as Professor Flitwick decided to pair them together to research Imperturbable charms for homework. See, she did have terrible luck.

'So,' said Harry, after the class had all moved to sit with their partners.

'So,' echoed Parvati.

'I guess this is going to be really difficult.'

It took her a moment to realise that he was talking about their assignment and quickly pretended that she'd been looking at her instruction parchment, too.

'Yeah,' she agreed after quickly skim-reading the brief. 'We have to find out about the origins including all points of interest, any different types or variations of the charm if there are any, its uses, advantages and disadvantages and prove that we can effectively perform the charm. Difficult? That sounds impossible.'

'We've got a whole month to do it.'

'We're going to die,' groaned Parvati.

'I like your positive attitude,' Harry remarked.

'Gah,' was Parvati's most eloquent reply.

'Right, since we don't get any class time for this-'

'We should meet after school?'

'Library? I can't do Tuesdays and Thursdays,' said Harry apologetically.

On Mondays they had DA meetings, and Parvati firmly believed that Fridays should be kept homework-free. That left them with Wednesday afternoons and weekends.

It was the beginning of a very good month; life at Hogwarts slipped back into its usual routine and Parvati was blissfully happy. Which meant she whined less to Lavender about school, boys, bad hair days (okay, so she made those up but it was only to make sure she didn't get conceited about it) and how hungry she was all the time. Marginally less, anyway.

The work they had to do in her classes was still a challenge (except Divination, of course) but Parvati was beginning to understand things better and her grades were higher than they'd ever been before. The DA had begun a sort of training regime which incorporated-after Parvati's suggestion-both Wizard and Muggle duelling. It seemed that Zacharias Smith was a bit of an expert in something called Kickboxing, which he'd proved last week in a demonstration. It looked swift, sweaty, lethal and a whole lot of fun.

'I can't believe,' Parvati said to Lavender in a mortified whisper, after the brief presentation had finished and everyone was clapping rather enthusiastically, 'how amazingly hot that was.'

'Oh my god,' Lavender squeaked back. 'I'm lusting after Smith.'

The Hufflepuffs were the only girls in the room not sharing startled looks. Parvati reflected that it was a awful moment for all of them.

Parvati had even talked about it with Harry during their next research session, but he had a hard time believing her.

'Did all the girls really think it was hot?'

'Yes!' laughed Parvati, scanning the shelves for a particular volume of a Charms encyclopaedia. 'It's funny when you suddenly discover that someone you hate is actually extremely attractive.'

'You hate Zacharias?'

'Strongly dislike.'

'But he's still an annoying git, isn't he?' asked Harry, hopelessly bemused.

'Yes, but a hot annoying git,' she grinned.

'The "suddenly hot" thing, was that the same with Malfoy?'

Parvati's fingers touched on the spine of the volume they'd been looking for. 'Not really. Draco's always been extremely attractive.'

'Oh. Right.' Harry received the heavy book and they moved back to their table where several other textbooks of similar size had been chosen and discarded. They made impressive piles around the seat and lopsided towers, stacked on the wide desk.

'Can I ask your advice on something?'

Parvati smiled at Harry. 'Sure.'

He shifted a few of his parchments, no longer looking at her. 'I'm...not sure what to do about...something.'

'Something?' Parvati's throat tightened; she sat down gingerly and wondered where this was heading.

'Yeah. I uh...someone asked me to go to Hogsmeade this weekend with her.' Harry's face was definitely a bit pink, and he was staring determinedly at the quill in his hand. Parvati was glad because she didn't think she was concealing her surprise all too well. 'Do you think I should go?'

'Really? Who?' she asked quickly.

'Uh, Lisa in Ravenclaw.'

They were partners in Potions. Snape's NEWT class only had a few handful of students, so all the Houses shared the same lesson and Parvati had been made to work with Pansy for the past fortnight. Lisa Turpin, pretty, popular, the blonde and younger version of Cho Chang in fact, only less bitchy. Maybe.

'Well...' Parvati tried to clear her throat; what was that annoying lump that was stopping her from speaking properly? 'Do you like her?'

'She's nice,' he shrugged. 'I don't know. I've never really...what should I do?'

'Er,' Parvati winced. 'You should probably make up your own mind about this.'

'Yeah. Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you with-'

'Oh no, no, it's fine!' She beamed. 'I think it's great. And I'm glad you felt comfortable asking for my opinion about it. I mean, it's cool that you're okay with it. Means that we're, you know....yeah...'

'Good friends?' he offered, after a sizeable pause.

'Yeah,' repeated Parvati faintly.

'Cool,' said Harry, and flipped the book open to the glossary.

'Yes. Cool.'

And that was the beginning of the end of Parvati's perfect, stress-free month.