Outrageous and Improbable Harry Potter Scenarios

What if all those letters weren't really from Hogwarts?

Dear Mr. Patter ,

We are pleased to inform you that you may already be a millionaire! Please find an enclosed packet of junk mail generating forms that you'll need to sign and mail back to be eligible to receive the prize! We await your response by no later then July 31!

Congratulations!

Athena McGregor

Athena McGregor

Acme Junk Mail Headquarters Vice President,

What if all those letters weren't really for Harry?

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that your cousin Dudley Dursley has been accepted to Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! Please pass this letter on to him for us. Oh by the way, your name was originally down for our school since your birth, but our record keeping quill was malfunctioning at the time, so while you do have magical parents, we regret to inform you that you are actually a squib and the Prophecy really referred to a Mr. Neville Longbottom, and You Know Who just made a mistake...Oh wait, you don't know about any of that...never mind. You never saw this letter. We await your cousin's owl by no later then July 31.

Tough break kid.

Yours Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

Minerva McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress

What if Mafalda Hopkirk just wanted Harry's autograph?

Dear Mr. Potter,

I have always wanted to have your autograph. Though a levitation charm was detected at your residence at some odd hour tonight, I'll let it slide just this once if you give me your autograph! Oh, and one for my daughter too! She's nine! Her name is Desiree Hopkirk. She knows all about your story and wants to marry you some day. Why the other day I caught her playing dress up with my wedding gown. When I asked her whom she was going to marry, she squeaked, "I'm going to be Mrs. Harry Potter!" It was so adorable! So anyway, if you could give her an autograph with an extra special message from you, I would really appreciate it and as stated before, I would let this infraction slip through the cracks. I mean it's just a levitation charm after all, it's not like it was used to upturn a pudding on a muggle's head or anything!

Have a Pleasant Holiday,

Mafalda Hopkirk

Mafalda Hopkirk

Improper Use of Magic Office

What if Dudley was actually jealous of Harry's adventures?

"BUT DADDY! I WANT TO RIDE AROUND IN A FLYING CAR TOO!" Dudley screamed at the top of his lungs. His mother sighed and placated her rotund son with a cream filled doughnut from a box that she kept handy for such occasions in her bed robe pocket.

"Now Dudley, I won't have this nonsense! You don't want anything to do with that troublesome boy and his freaky little friends! Flying car indeed! It'll probably end up crashing and killing them all before they reach their destination, serves them right!" Uncle Vernon said. "What you should be worried about is where I am going to find the money to fix this bloody window!"

Dudley cried at this suggestion in secret as he scarfed his doughnut. It was one thing to admit to loving a flying car, but it was another to admit to being worried about his freakish, and well-hated cousin.

"It's sort of like a fairy tale isn't it mum?" he asked when he was sure his father was too preoccupied with grumbling curses at the window to hear him. His mother looked down at her son with her mouth set in a thin line.

"Eat your doughnut and be quiet," she snapped at him.

What if Voldemort was particularly embarrassed by his lack of hair and made up for it by wearing cheap, colored Halloween wigs?

"What do you think Lucius?" Voldemort asked as he admired himself in the mirror. He was currently wearing a metallic pink Mylar Go-Go Dancer wig. Lucius grimaced uncomfortably.

"It looks...unique on you master," he finally managed to say. Voldemort whipped the wig off his head and held it out towards Lucius.

"Why don't you try it on? I bet shiny pink is just your color!" Voldemort said in a singsong voice. "I want to try on the rainbow Afro wig next!

"No thank you master. I just had my hair styled today and..."

"ARE YOU MOCKING MY BALDSPOT?" Voldemort yelled in a cold, cruel tone that chilled Lucius to the bone.

"N-no master! I was just merely-"

"DON'T LIE TO ME MALFOY! EVERY DAY, I TRY AND LET YOUR COMMENTS SLIDE! AND EVERY DAY, YOU FLAUNT YOUR LONG, BEAUTIFUL, BLONDE LOCKS IN FRONT OF ME WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A SPLIT END! I HAD BEAUTIFUL HAIR ONCE! BUT I GAVE IT UP FOR POWER! NEVER FORGET I AM MORE POWERFUL THEN YOU WILL EVER HOPE TO BE BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO BLINDED BY YOUR OWN NARCISSIM TO SEEK THE POWER THAT COULD BE YOUR RIGHT! YOU EVEN MARRIED A WOMAN NAMED NARCISSA!" Voldemort screeched as he threw the pink wig at Lucius's head.

"Now, try it on," Voldemort said in a voice that was entirely too quiet and calm. Lucius shuddered.

"Yes master," he said as he put the wig on his head, and looked at himself in the mirror.

"Hey, whadda you know? Shiny pink is my color!"

What if Dudley really DID go to his friends' houses for tea?

"Please pass the sugar Piers!" Dudley said in a prim voice.

"Oh, gracious me Dudley, by all means pass me your tea cup, and I'll serve the sugar to you! Would you like one lump or two?" Piers asked. Dudley handed Piers his teacup then politely smiled and folded his hands on his lap.

"Three please!"

"And you would you like another biscuit?"

"Oh no thank you, two is all I could possibly eat!" Dudley smiled as Piers handed him back his tea.

"Did you hear about the European plea to the United States to put a ban on asking US bound passengers for their personal information?" Piers asked and took a polite nibble off of one of his biscuits.

"Oh yes, and we're well with in our rights! That brute in the White House doesn't care about violating our privacy laws!" Dudley said indignantly and sipped his tea. "Suppose I wanted to go visit the USA. Why, can't they just tell by looking at me that I'm not a terrorist? They'd need my personal information too?" he added.

"One would think! However, I suppose I can see their side. I suppose I would be paranoid if my country had been attacked like that!" Piers said.

What if Dumbledore was a Supreme Master Ninja instead of a Supreme Mugwump?

"Come out where I can see you Dumbledore!" Voldemort shouted. The lights were flickering menacingly. Harry was still hidden underneath of the animated headless wizard statue. His breathing was still. He knew what Dumbledore was up to.

"SHOW YOURSELF!" Voldemort shouted and whipped around, his dark robes fluttering lightly at his feet as he moved.

Suddenly, without warning, there was a slight *clink*

Harry immediately looked over to Voldemort, whose head was now severed and laying on the floor. Dumbledore was standing there, looking very regal, despite the fact that he was dressed like a ninja wearing a wizard hat. He walked over, and carefully picked up baby Fawkes from the pile of ashes nearby as Fudge and several Aurors came through the doors.

"There he is! Sieze him!" Fudge shouted in a high, barely controlled voice. Some of the Aurors started after Dumbledore, but he held his sword out at the ready, still shining with Voldemort's blood.

"Here is your proof Fudge. As I have been telling you for the past year, I do not want your job, only the downfall of Voldemort," he said and motioned with his chin down to the body. Fudge shrieked.

"YOU JUST HAD TO GET HIS BLOOD ON THE WALLS...AND WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE FOUNTAIN OF MAGICAL BRETHREN?" he shrieked.

"Fudge, you're retarded," Harry sneered.