Rating:: G
House:: Riddikulus
Characters:: Severus Snape Lord Voldemort
Genres:: Parody Humor
Era:: Multiple Eras
Spoilers:: Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire
Stats:: Published: 06/05/2003

Updated: 06/05/2003

Words: 571

Chapters: 1

Hits: 571

Practice the War

yap

Story Summary:: It's not so easy, you know, being a Dark Lord and intimidating people and all that. It's all about the act. It's a matter of practice. Assistant Director: Severus "I have to know my motivation" Snape. Beware of complete and utter nonsense.

Posted:: 06/05/2003

Hits:: 571

Author's Note:: This ficlet is a co-production by yap and Mi. Yap officially crossed the fine line between beta reader and co-author. Mi’s fault. It doesn’t feel that different, actually.

The Hogwarts School of Lunatic Drama Art presents:

Practice the War

by yap and Mi

with kind permission from samvimes

"You wanted to speak to me, my Lord."

"Ah, Severus! Please sit down. I want to have your opinion about ... something."

"Of course."

"What do you think about that - "

Voldemort throws himself up dramatically and recites the following:

"YOUR FRIENDS WILL

FALL

AWAY

YOUR - "

"I don't have any friends."

"Of course not. But I have to practice on someone. Just tell me if you are intimidated - when I have finished."

"YOUR FRIENDS WILL

FALL - "

"Oh - you mean Potter's friends!"

"Just - pretend, for God's sake."

"You don't believe in God."

"For the Dark Lord's sake, then."

"Nope. Not that. That's you."

"So what? Can't a man - okay, yes, I know - can't an Evil Nemesis believe in himself these days?"

"Sure, no offence. Go on."

"YOUR FRIENDS - "

"Sorry, but ... I can't do it. I have to understand my motivation first. You know, how does it feel to have friends?"

"How should I bloody know! Just be ... Potter if you have to."

"I need more background info - "

"Oh well! Have it your way then. I'll skip that line."

"YOUR OLD RIVALRIES - "

"That's better. Sorry - go on! Thumbs up!"

"WILL

BECOME

DEATHS

YOU THINK THIS ONE OR THAT ONE IS TRYING TO

PROTECT - "

"No, no - no protection here. They would rather feed me to the - "

&quill you SHUT UP. You always do that."

"Do what?"

"Spoil my best lines. Remember the last meeting."

"Oh, that." Severus grins maliciously "But, please - go on. I'll be good. Promise."

"THIS WAR YOU SPEAK OF.

YOU'RE WAITING FOR IT."

"No, he's not. Potter is such an impatient little brat. If I can't bring him to focus on his potions for five minutes, you shouldn't rely on having him wait for ... but you probably don't want to hear about that right now. You know what. I really liked it. It was - uh - creepy! Probably you shouldn't be crying while performing it. But apart from that - Go Team!"

"Lucius, come over here. Group Hug!"

***

[International Court of Magic, Trial No. 6b, 08/09/98, re: Intelligence Activities, Suspect #4, S. A. Snape, Item of Proof No. 4253c, dated betw. 11/96 and 03/97, retrieved from Saviour of the Wizarding World's Fireplace (re-glueing spell c.o. Ms. H. Granger) Cleared by Ministry, vouchsafed by Prof. A. Dumbledore.]

Confidential:

Dear Mister Potter,

please find attached a transcript of a meeting I had with the Dark Lord recently. The information it contains might prove vital to your preparation for the upcoming Final Battle, such as there is. I'd suggest you learn it by heart so you can be ready when the Dark Lord descendeth upon thee ... scratch that, just learn the words! (And keep in mind that it's intended to intimidate you.)

Severus A. Snape

P.S.: If I catch you memorizing in Potions class - you will have much more to fear than the Dark Lord's wrath. Do it in Transfiguration!

P.P.S.: I still don't know about the friends bit, I'll leave that to you.

[Case closed, 11/12/98. Order of Merlin, 1^st Class, awarded to Former Suspect Snape, Prof. DADA, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, for Subtle Subterfuge and Cunning Manipulation of Dark Lord.]