The Worm That Turned

Chapter 13 - The Decision

Severus knew it would only be a matter of time before Voldemort worked out whose child the prophecy referred to. Voldemort was pleased with the results of the raid on the Order, which after its unpromising start had resulted in mass casualties and several deaths among the Order members, with minimal losses to the Death Eaters. But best of all, it revealed to him the existence of two babies born to Order members, and within days Rookwood's network had used the new information to confirm these were indeed the likely 'prophecy boys'.

The existence of a second boy filled Severus with brief hope. Perhaps it would turn out that this other boy - child of the Aurors Frank and Alice Longbottom - fitted the criteria better than the Potter baby. But it was not clear which was better suited, and the decision was to kill them both. Voldemort would do so in person - the role of the inner circle was to locate the two families. This was easier said than done, as they were all in hiding, but no one could hide for that long in the face of the full might of Lord Voldemort.

Voldemort called Severus to a private meeting. Severus was terrified that he might have come to know about Severus' feelings for Lily, but it turned out not to be the case. Nevertheless, the Dark Lord was not pleased with Snape.

'It is at times like these, Severus, that I most acutely feel the need for a spy within Dumbledore's camp,' said Voldemort, toying with a silver locket that presumably had come from some recent victim. 'If I had a loyal follower at Hogwarts, close to him, I am sure that it would be no time before the whereabouts of these fools and their progeny would be found.'

Severus didn't know what to say, so he only whispered, 'Of course, my Lord,' and bowed his head very low.

'But I don't have such a well-placed loyal follower, do I, Severus?' he continued. 'And why is that?'

'My Lord, I have tried. But Dumbledore suspects my involvement with the Death Eaters, and he will not be reassured.'

'Damn him!' shrieked Voldemort suddenly, causing Severus to jump so hard he bit into his lip. The iron taste of blood filled his mouth. The Dark Lord paced furiously. 'It's high time he hurried up and died, and stopped interfering in my plans. The meddlesome old Machiavelli wants power for himself, that's the truth. I've heard enough about his past to know his game. He might make out to the world that he's reformed, but it's just a front.'

All of a sudden, realisation dawned on Severus, an idea germinating in his mind. It took his breath away with its simplicity, and he wondered why he hadn't thought of it before. 'My Lord,' he choked. 'My Lord... I have an idea.'

Voldemort stopped pacing and turned his full attention back to Severus. 'Well?'

Stumbling a little in the terrifying gaze of his master, Severus began to outline his idea as coherently as he could manage. 'Dumbledore suspects my involvement, and nothing I do will change that. So the solution is to stop trying to cover it up, and admit to it. I will go to Dumbledore and tell him I used to be a Death Eater, but now I am reformed. Perhaps I could say that seeing the terrible injuries of those hurt in the raid was the thing that finally changed my mind. I can spin a tale of deepest remorse, and beg to be allowed to make amends. I can plead to be kept in the safety of Hogwarts, and in return will impart all of my knowledge of the Death Eaters.'

There was a breathless silence whilst Voldemort considered. 'It may work,' he said eventually. 'But it will require extraordinary occlumency from you. Do you really think you are capable of that?' The Dark Lord came close and stared into Severus' eyes. At these quarters he was truly terrifying, a presence far beyond the physical man. Severus could feel the power radiating from the unremarkable body.

'It is a high risk strategy,' said Voldemort after what felt like an eternity, still not moving his snake-like eyes from Severus'. 'If they do not believe you, you will face Azkaban for sure.'

'It is a risk I am prepared to take,' whispered Severus. 'Our cause needs a spy. Other methods have proved impossible. If we do not take a risk, we may never penetrate Dumbledore's camp.'

Eventually Voldemort smiled. 'I note your loyalty. However I need to think about this. Your skills make you useful, Severus, highly useful. It would be inconvenient to lose them. We will talk again. You may leave.'

Severus backed out of the room, heart pounding. When he got back to the flat he washed himself thoroughly, but he still couldn't shake off the feeling of Voldemort's scrutiny, covering his skin like slime. He hardly dared to think about his plan, for fear that Voldemort would read it there, would realise.

The intervening days were painful. Severus feared all the time that Lily would be tracked down. He could just imagine Potter doing something reckless, probably along with Black, and leading the Death Eaters back to their hiding place. Dumbledore may be powerful, but that hadn't stopped the idiocy of Potter and Black nearly blowing his little werewolf protection set-up. It only took one idiot to ruin the best of plans, and Lily was surrounded by idiots.

He had rarely felt so relieved to be summoned to a meeting as he did when his Mark burned a week after his proposition to Voldemort. He arrived in a state of feverish excitement, barely able to sit still, although he tried to contain his thoughts. Beside him, Lucius picked up on his tension and shot him an anxious look. But the meeting was unremarkable, with the cell leaders reporting on their progress in various tedious missions. No one had made any progress in locating the Potters or the Longbottoms. Voldemort shrugged. 'Someone will make a mistake sooner or later,' he said. 'I think I can probably face a two year-old as easily as a one year-old.' Sycophantic laughter rippled around the relieved Death Eaters in response.

At the end of the meeting, Voldmort again asked Severus to remain behind, but this time he also motioned for Lucius to stay. Whilst the others filed out, Bellatrix shooting them filthy looks, Severus could tell that Lucius was desperate to ask him what was going on. But of course, he didn't dare in Voldemort's presence, even through his Mark.

As soon as the last Death eater had left the room, Voldemort spoke. 'I have considered your suggestion, Severus, and decided it is worth trying,' he said, without further ado.

Relief surged through him. 'Thank you, my Lord,' he whispered. Beside him, Lucius tensed even further. Severus could almost hear him thinking, What suggestion?

'It is a high risk strategy, as I have said. However the rewards outweigh those risks, on balance. I have considered certain mitigating measures. Firstly, I shall place very strong enchantments upon you to prevent you revealing the names of your fellow Death Eaters, no matter what inducements are placed on you. A memory charm would be too dangerous, and render further operations more difficult. Secondly, you will carry antidote to Veritaserum in a capsule on the shoulder of your robes. Thirdly, your contact with me, and with the Inner Circle, will be limited from now on. That is where Lucius comes in.'

'My Lord?' said Lucius, almost falling off his seat in his eagerness to be let in on the secret.

'From now on, Lucius will run you in much the same way he does his other information assets. You are already a known friend of the family, it will not arouse suspicion if you remain in touch - in fact, it would do the reverse should you cease to see him. Lucius will act as a conduit between us. Naturally, if any urgent matters arise, your Mark will still serve a useful purpose. Have you told Lucius of our plan?'

'No, my Lord.' Severus turned to his friend and quickly outlined his idea. Lucius took it all in silently, his grey eyes hard to read.

When Severus finished, Malfoy turned to Voldemort and bowed his head. 'It would be an honour, my Lord, to serve you in this way,' he said smoothly.

'Good. Then there is no need for further delay. The sooner Severus is in place, the sooner we can start to crack Dumbledore's hold on this country.' Voldemort raised his hand to dismiss them. Severus took a deep breath, knowing it was now or never.

'My Lord? May I make a request of You?' His voice shook a little. Voldemort made a slight movement of his head in ascent. Severus swallowed hard and ploughed on. 'Some time ago, my Lord, You told me You would arrange for me to have a woman - any woman I wanted.'

The Dark Lord's lips curled into an ugly smile. 'So I did. So tell me, Severus, have you found time to fall in love amidst all the excitement of recent events?'

'Not fall in love, exactly, my Lord. But I have been thinking... My Lord, the mudblood woman whose child you seek - the Potter woman.' He could hardly bring himself to refer to Lily that way, and the revulsion in his voice wasn't faked as a result. 'I... she is married to my enemy. Potter. I have hated him from the moment we met. I would very much like... I would very much like to take her... to have her. When he is dead.'

Lucius made a noise of horror and stared at Severus. His eyes screamed, Are you mad? But Voldemort, after a very dangerous pause, began to laugh, a soft and sinister chuckle. 'Oh Severus, dirty blood will always out. Your genes betray you, my friend, causing you to desire such a woman.' He flicked his wand and an image of Lily appeared in the air between them, rotating slowly. Another tiny movement and the clothes vanished. Severus stared at the naked Lily in sickened confusion, until he could bear it no longer and looked away.

'I am sorry, my Lord!' he choked, wondering if he had gone too far.

'She is not without her charms, I suppose,' Voldemort said. 'What do you think, Lucius?'

'My Lord?' spluttered Lucius. 'My Lord, she is a mudblood!'

'Come now Lucius, have you never desired a woman on her physical merits alone? Have you never had your way with a Muggle? You would not be the only Death Eater to do so.' Voldemort's tone was mocking.

Severus knew Lucius was blushing without looking at him. 'Perhaps the lower ranks... but not I. I could no more feel desire for such creatures than I could for a... a hippogriff, or a bowtruckle!'

'Ah, Lucius, Lucius, my fine young friend. Do you know, I actually believe you? But then of course, you have such a lovely young wife. Narcissa, isn't it?' His wand didn't move, but the image of Lily became one of Narcissa, equally naked. 'Still, maybe Severus has a point. After all, no pureblooded woman would consider him. I can't imagine you have any fear of the delightful Narcissa running off with your friend here.'

Lucius was so tense that Severus could feel it coming off him in waves. He knew his friends' hands would be clenched, his teeth also. He'd be lucky if Lucius was still speaking to him after this, much less prepared to run him as a spy. Voldemort, of course, was enjoying it all greatly. The Dark Lord went on, 'It is one thing to desire her, Severus. And I understand the attraction of such a woman, for isn't the possession of one's enemy always the most deeply coveted? But I cannot condone, for example, you having children with this woman.'

'Children!' exclaimed Severus, his first truly honest reaction of the day. 'My Lord, I hate children.'

At this Voldemort laughed louder, and the image of Narcissa vanished. 'What a wonderful candidate you are for a teaching post!' The laughter died. 'Very well. If I am able to spare this woman, then I will do so. But my paramount concern is the removal of her brat, this prophesised child. I will not jeopardise that. If it is possible, and if you are successful in your mission to spy on Dumbledore, I shall perhaps reward you with this mudblood you desire.'

'My Lord, You are too gracious, too kind!' exclaimed Severus, jumping to his feet in order to prostate himself at those of Voldemort.

'I make no promises. Now, remain still whilst I place the enchantments we discussed.' Severus stayed on the ground whilst Voldemort muttered the words of numerous incantations over him. Severus could feel the magic permeating him like a tingly numbness. His head felt rather fuzzy. Eventually Voldemort said, 'It is done. You may rise.'

He got to his feet, blinking and befuddled. Voldemort smiled. 'You will feel a little disorientated, but that will pass. The enchantments are strong. Now, you may both leave.'

Backing out with a spinning head was not easy, and Severus almost tripped over several times. Lucius, walking beside him, did nothing to steady him. Outside the church, Lucius grabbed Severus with such suddenness that he didn't even have time go for his wand, and disapparated. Severus was still reeling when they landed in the lane outside Malfoy Manor, and Lucius pinned him against the hedge. 'What the hell are you playing at? Since when did you keep your brain below your belt?' he asked, emphasising his words with a knee to Severus' crotch.

Seeing even more stars, Severus managed to gasp around the pain, 'It's Potter, you don't understand...'

'It's nothing to do with Potter!' spat Lucius. 'You've always had a thing about that mudblood, right from when we were at school. It was funny, back then, but it isn't funny now! You're old enough to know better!'

'I just want to teach him a lesson!' said Severus, his voice rather higher than usual.

'By getting involved with his Muggle wife? How can you bear to even think of such a thing?' Lucius sounded quite hysterical. 'She's the one, isn't she? She's the one you nearly killed yourself over?'

'I was trying to stop liking her, I was trying to take away the feelings! Lucius, I'm sorry! I didn't know what to do. I just... I don't know what I want. Does it matter? Dumbledore will almost certainly catch me, and then I'll end up in Azkaban anyway.'

'You idiot,' said Lucius, but the anger was fading from his voice, and he loosened his grip on Severus' robes. 'I will never understand you, if I live to be a thousand! You're by far the stupidest genius I've ever met.' He moved away shaking his head, and touched his wand to the Manor gates, pulling Severus through them after him. 'You've really done it this time. Look what a mess you've got yourself into. How the hell am I going to get you out of this one?'

Severus felt relief that at least Lucius seemed to be talking in terms of them still being a team. 'I don't need to get out of it. I can manage it, Lucius. It's barely different to how we originally planned it. I go and teach at Hogwarts, and pass any information on Dumbledore that I pick up back to our side, via you. It's no different to how you run your spy within the Order. I believe I can do it, Lucius. I wouldn't have suggested it otherwise. I'm not suicidal. I know what I'm doing. And as for the mudblood, if the Dark Lord spares her, I'll be discreet. Very discreet.'

'You fool, the Dark Lord isn't going to spare her. And even if he did, how are you going to explain that away whilst maintaining your cover? Unless things have changed radically since I was at school, I'm fairly sure teachers aren't allowed to keep Dumbledore's favourite mudbloods prisoner in their rooms.'

'I wouldn't be keeping her prisoner!' exclaimed Severus, horrified at the thought.

'Oh yes, I suppose once her husband and son are dead through your actions, she's going to be just delighted to take up with you instead!' Lucius began to laugh, then stopped abruptly when he saw Severus' face. 'Oh my... You actually do believe that, don't you? You actually think that's going to happen.' He swore softly, shaking his head. 'Oh Severus, you really are hopeless.'

Lucius took a pace forwards. 'Listen to me. Little Lily Mudblood is never going to like you, Severus. She is never going to be attracted to you, or think kindly of you. She is never going to forgive you. She will only ever hate you. Do you understand that?'

Severus was unable to nod, not wanting to allow Lucius' words to sink in, even though he knew they were true. His friend went on, 'You are a big part of the reason her son is going to be killed. No matter what else you do, nothing will ever compensate for that. Believe me. Things cannot ever end the way you want them to. Now you've gone and put your life on the line - and mine too - for some stupid dream that only someone as socially idiotic as you could possibly have ever believed for a moment.'

'She might... if I save her...' stuttered Severus, still unwilling to let the idea go.

'No! Read my lips. She. Will. Never. Forgive. You. You don't have a child, you don't understand, but I do. Forget her. She is nothing, no one! Who is the only person in your life that has never let you down? That has bailed you out of trouble time and again, fed and clothed and sheltered you, got you out of every stupid scrape you've got into? Who, Severus?'

'You... you are.'

'Exactly. I am. So maybe it's time you started getting your priorities right! After everything I've done for you, you'd still put me and my family at risk just for some ridiculous fantasy about a horrible jumped up little mudblood! Because if you go down, you'll almost certainly take me with you.'

'I would never betray you!' exclaimed Severus, stung. 'Even if you don't believe me, I can't, remember? The Dark Lord's enchantments.'

'We're too closely associated,' he said, shaking his head. 'If they catch you, they'll look at me next, for sure. I can't believe you didn't think about me when you were hatching this crazy little plan of yours! But oh no, you were only thinking about getting your hands on that mudblood! Me, Narcissa, Draco... you could have just condemned us all.'

'I haven't, I wouldn't! It will work, Lucius. I've never failed you yet, have I? And I'll maintain my friendship with you, so it will look even more like you're all right - someone who isn't involved with the Death Eaters. Lucius, you're my best friend, you're like a brother to me. I'd never do anything to hurt you, never!'

Lucius gave a heavy sigh. 'Not intentionally, but you can be far too clever for your own good. From now on you tell me the truth about things. No matter how embarrassing. I thought you'd learned by now that without my help, you make a total mess of everything. I can't help you if you don't let me, Severus, and the stakes are too high for you to get this wrong.'

Chastened, Severus nodded. 'All right. I'll forget her. And I'll be careful. Really really careful.'

'You better had be. And next time you start thinking about that mudblood, for goodness sake take a cold shower.' Lucius turned on his heel and strode off towards the house, leaving Severus to disapparate home. He blocked out Lucius' words. He wasn't going to believe them, he couldn't believe them. What would Lucius understand of Lily's thoughts and feelings anyway? They were as different as chalk and cheese. The only thing they had in common was Severus' friendship, and he was increasingly realising that ultimately he was always going to have to choose between them.

*****

A week later, Severus stood on the place where the Pillar of Storge had once stood, now a bleak and scarred moor. It was a terrible night, the wind screaming around him. Severus was very, very scared. He wasn't even sure if Dumbledore would come, or if a squad of Aurors would arrive instead. This was different from parleying on behalf of Voldemort, where the rules of engagement were reasonably clear, where you knew the Dark Lord would be able to back you up. His palms sweated, his fingers tingled, his heart clenched again and again. His breathing was ragged. He spun round and round on the spot, unsure of where Dumbledore would appear from. He was so skittish that he almost apparated accidentally several times.

This suddenly didn't seem like such a good idea. He had no doubt that Dumbledore was just as ruthless as the Dark Lord, beneath the jolly exterior. These could be his last moments of freedom, before he was dragged away to the horrors of Azkaban. He couldn't even commit suicide, as he knew he had to stay alive to try and help Lily. The realisation that Lily's survival was more important to him than his own brought home the reality of just how high the stakes really were for him.

His wand was ripped from his hand as Dumbledore appeared, and he dropped instinctively to his knees. 'Don't kill me!' he shrieked, terrified that Dumbledore was going to do just that before Severus even had a chance to beg for Lily's life.

'That was not my intention,' replied Dumbledore, coldly. 'Well, Severus, what message does Lord Voldemort have for me?'

Severus tried to gather his wits. He wasn't dead, which was a good sign, and there were no Aurors as yet. But Dumbledore had his wand, and without it he felt naked and helpless. 'No - no message - I am here on my own account!' he gasped. 'I... I come with a warning - no, a request - please-'

Dumbledore's face remained stony, but he moved his wand and an unnatural stillness fell around them, insulating them from the raging storm. A tiny spark of hope kindled in Severus. 'What request could a Death Eater make of me?' asked the Headmaster.

'The - the prophecy... the prediction - Trelawney,' began Severus, struggling to get his words out in the face of Dumbledore.

'Ah yes. How much of it did you relay to Lord Voldemort?' enquired Dumbledore.

'Everything - everything I heard!' he wailed, for there was no point in trying to hide it now. 'That is why - it is for that reason - He thinks it means Lily Evans!'

'The prophecy did not refer to a woman, it spoke of a boy, born at the end of July.'

'You know what I mean! He thinks it means her son, He is going to hunt her down - kill them all,' the words stuck in his throat as he was struck again by the horror of it all.

But Dumbledore still seemed impassive. 'If she means so much to you, surely Lord Voldemort will spare her? Could you not ask for mercy for the mother, in exchange for the son?' His voice had a mocking edge which didn't augur well.

'I have - I have asked,' he began, but Dumbledore cut him off.

'You disgust me,' he said, contempt in every one of the deep lines of his ancient face. 'You do not care then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?'

Severus stared up at the great wizard, lost for words. How could he even begin to explain the mess of conflicting emotion inside him? Every bit of his emotional energy, all of his considerable mental resources, was focussed on saving Lily. He hadn't really thought either way about Potter or the baby. It would be pointless to ask Voldemort to spare the boy, anyway. And he certainly wasn't going to plead with the Dark Lord for Potter's life. But if Dumbledore could save them all, then why not? As long as Lily was safe, that was all that mattered. 'Hide them all, then. Keep her - them - safe. Please.'

'And what will you give me in return, Severus?' asked Dumbledore, staring at him in an appraising way.

Of course, Severus might have guessed Dumbledore would name a price. He could call the old man's bluff, on the basis that surely Dumbledore would try to keep them safe anyway. But he knew he couldn't risk it. It was like playing Russian roulette with Lily's life - the life he'd already endangered so terribly. 'In - in return?' he echoed. His mind worked overtime. What payment would Dumbledore extract from him? Eventually he simply said, 'Anything.'

Dumbledore stared hard at him, and he stared back, opening his mind, pushing away every barrier he'd placed there. He wanted Dumbledore to see inside him now, and know he was telling the truth. He repeated, 'I'd do anything to keep her alive, to keep her safe. I don't want her to die. If it means Potter has to live, so be it. I'd rather she was alive and with him, than... than...' he couldn't bring himself to even say the word 'dead'.

Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, Dumbledore nodded. 'Very well. It so happens I sorely need a spy within Voldemort's camp. Someone who can pass me information, and perhaps pass back disinformation to Voldemort. Now, I know you have been trying to seek a teaching position at Hogwarts for some time, presumably on Voldemort's orders?'

Severus nodded, not surprised at the turn the conversation had taken. After all, what else did he have to offer? 'He wants me to spy on you. At first we thought I could just get a job, but of course you saw through that. So now I have told Him I will pretend to switch sides. That is what He thinks I am doing tonight.'

'So he thinks you are spying for him, and I think you are spying for me.' Dumbledore laughed quietly. 'One of us is very badly mistaken.' The old man's eyes bored into him.

Casting around desperately for some way to prove himself, he suddenly hit on it. 'Give me my wand back, and I will prove it.'

The Headmaster considered this, and then produced the wand from an inner pocket. Severus wondered how it had got there. 'You may have it back, but I might take this opportunity to remind you of who you are dealing with. I may be old, but I am fast.'

'I'm not going to hurt you,' snapped Severus, snatching back his wand. He turned slightly away from Dumbledore, drew deep inside himself, and cast one of the most difficult charms he knew. 'Expecto Patronum!' A silvery-blue deer leapt from his wand tip and skipped away from him, sniffing the air curiously. It approached Dumbledore and looked up at him, before vanishing into nothing. 'It's the same as hers,' explained Severus, looking hard at Dumbledore. Surely the old man would realise this was something that couldn't be faked.

Eventually Dumbledore said, 'I do believe you, Severus.'

He breathed a quick sigh of relief. 'I don't really want to spy for you, and I'll probably end up dead within weeks, but if that's what it will take to keep Lily safe then I'll do it. Just... if I do fail and die, you must continue to protect her.'

'Very well. You will spy for me. We will meet clandestinely. You will advise me of the plans of the Death Eaters, as far as you know them. I want to know everything, no matter how trivial. In return I will give Lily and her family every protection I can. Tell me, what makes you think I wouldn't have done so anyway?'

He eyed Dumbledore carefully. 'I never assume anything,' he said eventually. 'I need to be part of it. I need to know.'

'Of course, there's the question of his formidable legilimency, but I think you already have considerable proficiency in occlumency?'

'I'm good,' admitted Severus. 'Very good. Maybe not good enough. No one ever lies to him outright, unless you count flattery. You would have to be mad. But that will work in our favour, because no expects it. Of all the things they fear, traitors within - at least in the inner circle - are not one of them.' All the same, he shuddered at the thought of lying to Voldemort day after day.

'Let us hope for both our sakes then that you can fool him. And Severus, be warned that I shall expect absolute loyalty from you. If I have any suspicion that you are working for anything other than the best interests of the fight against Voldemort, I shall have to revise my decision. Of course, it has crossed my mind many times that it may be beneficial for Voldemort to meet this boy - this prophesised boy. That it may lead to his downfall. Not a pleasant thought, but sometimes the benefits for the whole outweigh the cost to the few...' He let his words trail off, all the time watching Severus closely. The threat hung implicit in the air between them.

'I'll do whatever it takes,' Severus repeated. 'I'll be loyal to you. I'll do what you say. Just remember I'll need to keep my cover, that's all.'

'That is understood.' Dumbledore withdrew his own wand and nodded to Severus. 'You will hear from me in due course.'

'What if I need to contact you?'

'Send your patronus with a message. It is a complex set of spells, but someone of your talents shouldn't have any difficulty. I believe the book you need is Cadwallader's Compendium of Complex Charms. Good evening.' Dumbledore flicked his cloak and was instantly gone, leaving Severus alone and more confused than ever.